Impétuosité de Sri...

thank you letter to the universe...

2012-01-10T14:52:00.001+08:00

I started to write this thank you letter on December morning as the year was about to end and a new one ready to begin. I just had a chance to complete this…

It’s a cloudy Saturday morning. The sun seems to be hiding behind the clouds today. I don’t mind. It’s cool and I’m still tucked under the blankets. In a few hours, I’ll be meeting a friend at Bangsar, for our New Year’s Eve dinner & party! We have decided to have our last meal of the year at Chilis – our all time preferred choice! So before the party starts, I would like to take this time to write you a thank you letter.

God, thank you for this wonderful year! All five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes of it! Thank you for the little and big milestones that have happened in my life. Growing up can sometimes be a painful thing especially when it involves handling our emotional and mental state. But what a year of learning and growing! I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I smile with delight but why are the tears falling down my face, blurring my eyes? Perhaps it’s because I just know that there is so much love and gratitude within and all around me. I thank you for this precious, very precious gift.

A life lived in love is so much different. I know because I too have walked the valleys of darkness. And yet, I have made it through. I am here, alive and free! And everyday has become a celebration for me.

The universe, thank you for all the small miracles that comprised the bigger miracle in my life. The miracle of finding, knowing and loving myself. I was lost but now I am found. As I have experienced your love and grow to love myself, I noticed that I am reaching out more to others. I rejoice every time I am able to respond better to situations. I am becoming a better daughter, friend, colleague and a person.

God, thank you for giving me the heart to receive love from others. The same heart that went under the knife when it was so tiny… the same heart that could have died long long time ago when I was still a baby! Thank you so much for still making it alive and fully-function J - Special thanks for that and your love have touched my life.

CK – You have blessed my life so much when you reached out and shared who you are with me. You are the first person who loved me just the way I am and told me about it. Your honesty, encouragement, openness and perceptiveness encouraged and uplifted me more than you will ever know. Looking forward to be your bridesmaid :)

Anu –. We have known each other for more than a decade now and it seems like a lifetime already. I am glad that I am able to be ME around you. I do not have any masks and pretensions. I look forward to another year of growing and learning with you. You have been the best person for me to journey with in the discovery of myself.

Qaisra – She delights me with her bubbly personality and I enjoyed the friendship that we shared.

Mr Nathan – My Father, teacher, guru and a friend. I have much to learn from you. Thank you for making my dreams comes true.

Ms Z – Thank you for being there…

Mei Ling – Thank you for always being so warm and encouraging and most importantly for believing in me… I enjoyed our exchanges immensely.

Mr Conservative – Because of you I learn the meaning of love, pain and everything that comes along with it.

My Boss (Mr. Real McCoy) - Thank you for teaching me that not all women have to be saved by a prince. I have much to learn from you.

Mom - For being kind and gracious all the time (okay, not all the times mebbe some times). You are my one and only family I have left!

Hoong Ling - For your kindness... and the lovely apt!

Thank you for all the newborn babies that have come across my path this year… for teaching me how precious life is J

To all my friends (including FB friends) those who have touched and inspired me, thank you so much.

I’ve discovered that when I started writing my thank you letter, I can see and feel love through my experiences and the love I have felt from so many. I feel so abundant and very blessed. I pray now that please god bless all of them tremendously in the coming year - a life filled with love and abundance in all the aspects of their lives.

I am alive. I am free to live a life of love.

Yaay! I’m going to go out and celebrate life with you in the next five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes! And most importantly at Chili’s tonight with Anu & Margaritas… Hahaha

Love – Sirilah Raman

New Year!

2012-01-05T19:42:00.001+08:00

Well, this is one holiday that Iguess almost everyone celebrates. A start of a brand, spanking new year. Andtime to make resolutions… that most probably you’ll break the next day J. Well, I've been working on it for weeks nowsomehow couldn't put my mind on it. Perhaps my mind is still taking timethinking through what I have achieved/done in 2011.

What I have achieved… hmmm letssee! Apparently nothing from my last New Year’s list!

I made a promise to myself thatI would make my body look sexier… little did I make effort on this. So yes, in2012, I will try to put more effort to get a better body. Carrying it forward!

I also wanted to get better payat work!! I failed at that too… but I’m not going to take this forward thisyear because somehow I just lost interest or rather hope! I’ve actually alreadycome to term that we must look and behave the certain way in order to achievethis and I certainly don’t have any of those qualities. Leaving it behind…

Thirdly, I wanted to work on myanger management… hmmm! Just yesterday, I would have strangled my ‘so called’subordinate at office if she had been around (thank god she was not). And,I came real close (I mean really close) to throwing my housemates' (tenantactually) belongings out for not paying my rental on time… So, big flop theretoo. And I seriously need to work on it this year.

I have gained healthy weightthroughout the year L mainlybecause I have discontinued my gym membership since I can’t afford them anymore(they are literally daylight robbers). And my weekend workout at gym was myonly mode of exercise for last few years and without that I’m not goinganywhere near losing the weight. Carrying it forward… just not sure about themethodology!

Finally, and the hardest partwould be to be a good daughter and wonderful friend and bring happiness to otherpeople… well, failed terrible at this one! And I just don’t wanna talk aboutit.

At least the one that I have achievedsuccessfully is - I have been somewhat writing whole heartly on this blog lately,especially on my rants and ravings to share with everyone that is willing toread. My offends in those posts are sincere as well `no doubts` I am sorry thatit’s not making some of you happy if I am actually talking about you orwhatever that’s the opposite of your interest, you can either keep it as amemory or… hate me. It’s all on you!

Happy New Year everyone, loveyo’ll!

learning to live

2011-12-13T14:28:00.001+08:00

Honestly, the past week has been slowly changing my focus… and it’s helping bring things into a better perspective for my life, helping me learn how to live my life.

Well, mainly two things are occupying my time these days…

I’m pondering the concept of life, the universe and everything.
I’m also spending some time actually doing stuff – the nits and bolts of changing my habit, my circumstances and my body.

Also, I’d learned something from a very dear boy I met last week...

Andrew! and he is autistic. I tell you that not to make you feel sorry for him or his parents, not to make you think that I am somehow a ‘good’ person for befriending him. I tell you he is autistic because it makes him more alive than the rest of us. Well, I knew him back when his mother enforced him to attend the school holiday workshops back when I was at New Straits Times. But I guess I was too dim back then that I never realize how wonderful he could be. I remember I was in a way afraid of him because of his condition. But when I met him the other day at KLCC when he was enjoying his meal with his brother and mom… It just occured to me that he is indeed such a breathtaking, smart and a sweet boy… or rather a man right now :) and that we could actually have a proper intellectual conversation with him.

Well, between my long hours at work, the dishes at home, to the laundry that can easily pile up into a monster that I want to avoid, to the bathroom that can easily become disgusting if left unattended for too long and the kitchen that I don’t want to be in… I was just trying to find a little bit of solitude for myself so that I could clear my mind and stop worrying for a mere moment. God knows I am learning to be thankful for the time I do have, and the things I do have under my responsibility to take care of… but… Heck, life is stressful! whatever our jobs or obligations there is always more to do, things to learn, and ways to be better. That’s not a bad thing though I do spend awful lot of time worrying about things.

However meeting Andrew the other day was refreshing. Andrew is unfettered by social expectations. He spends no time worrying about whether he has the right friends, or if it will ever be sunny again or is just being annoying. Each moment in life presents itself to him for exactly what it is: that moment. A moment filled with the potential of what it could be. And he grabs it, hold it tight, and squeezes every last bit of unabashed joy from it.

Well, my to do list is still long. My apartment is till in the mess, I’ve got tons to do at work. And I have a fast approaching deadlines as well. But, I can still be like Andrew.... right! I don’t have to stop and set aside time for it. All I have to do is to remember to live.

Thanks Andrew.

friday best… and love list!

2011-12-02T14:01:00.001+08:00

It’s Friday! How was your week? Mine was just okay. I felt a little “off” for a few days (a touch of cold) and was a little stessy. On the up site, I met some of my dearest friends in last few days. Anu who has just came back from one of her lifetime adventure. And, also to my other friend and her two-week old baby... Is there anything better than holding a newborn?

Anyway, there are a few lessons I’ve learnt (or am learning) lately…I’m not sure if I’m happy but I’m just very positive today. And when the attitude is positive we entertain pleasant feelings and constructive images right... Perhaps it's because I just know that there is so much love and gratitude within and all-around me. I thank you for this precious, very precious gift. A life lived is I should be… Therefore I’m attributing this post to show some gratitude and love by listing down everything that I love…

I love it when someone makes me laugh. I love being out dancing and hearing the beat drop and watching everyone react to the music. I love holding hands. I love mornings with nowhere to be and a clean house. I love making meals and having someone else appreciates them. I love a spotless house. I love making someone laugh.

I love it when friends share their secrets with me. I love inside jokes. I love watching NCIS and E News. I love going to the movies alone. I love to end a day with a glass of rosé. I love seeing my favorite bands in concert. I love conquering something I’m afraid of.

I love fireworks on new years. I love New Years Eve. I love setting goals for myself. I love quiet mornings. I love my Netbook. I love black dresses and fun jewelry. I love making to-do lists and scheduling things. I love walking through malls. I love getting emails from my friends.

I love a good cry. I love my cat. I love the smell of fresh laundry. I love blogging. I love reading something that inspires me. I love sitting in front of the ocean. I love going out for margaritas with my friends on happy hours. I love getting flowers. I love sending and receiving mail. I love slow dancing. I love a good steak, a glass of margarita and a sinful dessert. I love knowing that I am loved and supported.

I love the denial in me worked out well, as I could secretly love him while not ever confronting the pain of not being able to be with him.

I love those moments when I realize I’m happy.

blueprint for women

2011-11-08T18:37:00.000+08:00

So a few weeks ago, I’m sitting at my desk (bored of course because it’s Friday and because it’s FRIDAY) and I came across an article by Penelope Trunk (founder of match.com) entitled Blueprint for a Woman’s Life.

Let me summarize the story for you. Basically the article talks about what a woman should be doing with her life – personally and professionally – between the ages of 18 and 45. What comes next is bit controversial where the advice starts with not necessarily doing well in school because other things are important too, concentrate on your look, and going to college looking good, consider plastic surgery in your 30’s etc.

The part of the article I want to focus on primarily is the part where she says the 20’s are all about finding a husband who you want to parent with and then your 30’s are for having kids and that your career should come second. Start your career, but don’t focus solely on it. Use your spare time to find a mate and don’t let work get in the way of your relationship.

Before you get your pitchforks out, let me just say that she does make a good point.

Trunk argues that we as women have our whole lives to get a career. We do not, however, have all the time in the world to have children. Trunk says it like it is, “Your career skills will outlast your ovaries.” So focus on your ovaries. Trunk talks more about finding the partner for this, but I think this could pertain just to having children in general.

Let’s face it. The world isn’t fair. As women, we want to have it all. And we want the equality to have it all. But no matter what, if we do have children we have to take time off to do so. And we get a little off track in the process. Reading Trunk’s article made me feel like I could have it all if I followed this blueprint. But honestly, according to this blueprint I’m already wayyyyy behind.

In the beginning, I did really well in school, I mean I was one of those definitely fall under school-wide top 5, straight A student. And, just when I thought everything was going super fine with me, as usual, life has it’s own way to crash right at you… somehow I couldn’t continue to higher education as I planned, so, everything else was either delayed or just passed right through me. I seriously had no time or intuition to find a mate/man in my twenties because I was just busy searching for LIFE! PEACE… trying every bit to survive! So, can’t really I agree with Trunk there? Sometime things go wrong! And I’m in my thirties now and I don’t have a serious boyfriend (let’s be honest, I haven’t had a serious boyfriend since high school) and I don’t think Mr. Right is going to just land in my lap because I have a blueprint to follow! But gotta hand it to you that the part of having kids in your thirties doesn’t really bothers me much cuz for some strange reason I don’t like the little humans. Ok, now I know most of you wanna take that pitchfork out again!

Here’s what I got out of this article and what I think we should all get out of this article. WORK ISN’T THE END ALL TO BE ALL. Yes, having a career is important. Feeling needed and important and getting praise is all-important. But it’s not all there is to life. Do you want love in your life? Then you need to make that a priority. Really, instead of seeing the controversy to this article, I choose to see another kind of advice.

What we really need in life is balance. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s OK to love your career, but it’s also OK to remember that you don’t need to work until 8PM every night and it’s OK to not work at all on the weekends and it’s OK to check your Match.com profile during lunch (what? who me? I would never!) And it’s ok to get a botox in your 40’s.

life is not fair...

2011-10-24T15:24:00.004+08:00

Some people are born with great advantages and others are born with major disadvantages. This is a fact of life that we are faced with from birth…

I usually don’t go around publicizing my woes, but this blog has been my way of letting go of things, sometimes I just want to get things off my chest. Also sometimes I want to see people might understand why I’m where I am in my life, that it’s not all my fault, and I’m strong – but I doubt people would believe half these things, and certainly wouldn't fully understand. But sometimes, I there would be at least one soul who can just listen, instead of telling me “ there are other people out there suffering more than you”… sometimes, I just want someone to say “it’s OK” even when I know it’s not. I just want that one moment of sympathy to keep me going.

I often look around people I work with, I grew up, or someone I just know – who didn’t work hard almost all their lives, and they didn’t have to fight or struggle, yet seem to have everything. Lives a very comfortable life, get to visit or even live in exotic countries, good homes, good parents/husbands, high-flying jobs, social-life, children, upward mobility, and have plenty of time and money to look good.

What more most of them had that I couldn’t is… an opportunity to go to university… to enjoy student life like any normal person and had money in their twenties to spend on partying. I had to work hard just to get little pay and find ways to pay through my college. I spend most of my twenties in poverty and hardships, there were days i had no money to eat and there were days i had no place to stay. Nowadays I find it very hard to face my thirties because I feel like I've missed-out so much on my twenties. It hurts so much thinking back how bad it was... It also hurts now seeing… knowing my friends who have had fun in their twenties and now settling down into cozy family lives and moving on gracefully while I’m in a mad rush to catch-up and sometime I feel like I just can’t do this anymore…

It’s be okay if I was seeing other people and their lives but was still happy with my own life – fact is their lives may not suit me, that’s fine – the thing is that I am not happy with my life. I fail to see how I could feel happy with my life or have self-confident, let alone remain happy when comparing myself to them.

I’m finding it really hard not to get upset at how unfair life can be, why did I have to be the one left behind, the failures, the one who misses out on what all others got so easily? How do you avoid feeling useless and worthless compared to others who’ve achieved more than you just because they were grew up with full of love and never misses anything. This is my only life and I’ve missed out on so much, how do I not feel so helpless and numb at that thought?

These things are not self-imposed, there’re facts of life that can’t be magicked away with positive thinking, and working hard can only do so much to repair the damage or work with what dealt to improve my life – I can also say looking back I didn’t make too many regrettable choices, I can’t see how things could have turned out much different.

I just wish things were much easier…

why i hate rich people...

2011-10-17T22:02:00.000+08:00

Because rich people are supposed to get luxuries with little effort, while poor people are supposed to get them by working long hours under lousy conditions for little pay. Really, is that so hard to understand?

When you know you've hit a low point...

2011-09-22T05:10:00.001+08:00

I normally park my car at a mall next to my office building and have a nice little walk to office from there. During this walk every morning, I always think about all the places I would rather be than on the way to my job. And it wasn’t a, “Oh man, I really wish I was some beach front right about now” or “Wouldn’t it be nice if I had the day off to sit around in my PJs?”

No, this was serious low point shit.

During my walk, I would pass little cafes, shops & bars. And I would say to myself, “Please, you could own a bar. How hard to own a bar? I should open a bar like tomorrow so I don’t have to go to work at X Company anymore.” That would be great!” The kicker…at one point I actually thought, “I would rather work at a laundry shop. Ironing clothes sounds fun!”

Like really, I thought ironing clothes all day in a hot cleaners sounded like a terrific job next to my 9 to 6 so called corporate job where I basically sat at my desk and answer phones and emails. Talk about a cushy job compared to manual hard labor.

But that’s when I know I hit a low point. My low point was thinking I would rather quit my job and get a job at cleaners.

Today (it's 5am - yesterday actually) was another one of those low points for me. I’m chalking it up to changes going at my current company and within my department specifically. I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

But today I would rather have had a job at cleaners.

ghost attack... in dream!

2011-09-04T03:27:00.001+08:00

Coupla nights ago I had this violent dream! The most realistic dream/nightmare I have encountered. This whole experience seemed 100% real as it was happening in my mind.

I, what I thought having trouble breathing, as though something has its hands wrapped around my neck, I can feel this thing sitting knees first down on top of my chest choking my throat, with something holding my arms down. I tried screaming for help but unable to mutter much more that a faint murmur, due to the being’s hands wrapped around my throat. I remember where I was able to somewhat fight this thing off my body and forcing myself to wake up/open my eyes. But I realize this being was back the moment I started to doze off again and I could felt a surge of pressure being applied to my body by this being again and again.

After several minutes of trying to fight this being off my body, I started to communicate with this being by asking it the name... (crazy right… I know I do crazy things even in my own dream!?) Anyway, I recall there wasn’t clear answer from it though I remember hearing a female voice. Well then realizing something is seriously not right I recollect an old Hinduism saying that chanting Lord Shiva’s mantra would ward off evil spirits. I, somewhat have been involving myself into some pious activities lately remembered some mantras at that point and I started to recite them continuously. Than what seemed to be 5 or 10 minutes later, I physically woke up, for real, and threw the pillows and quilt off and turned on the lights and headed straight to my prayer alter to light my prayer lamps. Then I realize it was 7.30ish… pm and there was no one else in the apartment. I suppose it was a wrong timing for a nap!

But, all I could put down to this is it was just a dream. Is there a psychological meaning behind it? Or was it a supernatural thing? Naturally I’m a trouble sleeper, I only get to sleep from 2 to 4 hours a day, may be my exhausted body with years of lack of sleep is trying to sent some message to me. But why it has to be violent? Seriously, this is the first time for me with no previous occurrence of any of this kind before. In the past, on coupla occasions I have had what I believe to be a “good” dream with my deceased father. But none of them were the violent kind - they were all good.

Recalling back similar stories I heard from friends & relatives in the past, wonder if it could be more of a sleep paralysis syndrome? I guess, from now on I’ll stop making fun of my friends who actually been through similar experiences. I’ve been reading some stories in the net, there were both psychological & and mythical interpretations for this. However, the interesting pieces were from my mom and uncle. Mom’s interpretation was along with her usual scolding is being coming really late almost every day could have caused this as that “something” might have followed me back… (I know - she is impossible right). And of course my uncle requested me to ask for a 4D number the next time I experience the similar thing.

Anyway, if it’s a paralysis syndrome, I wonder can “ghosts” visit in dreams. I didn’t think it was possible? Nevertheless, this incident has freaked me completely.

cramps cramps cramps... help!

2011-08-16T05:38:00.000+08:00

I know that i have to get ready for work in coupla hours, but i'm still tossing and turning in bed. I'm having a friggin awful period pain and I could’ve taken some painkillers except for the fact I have some sorta psychological macho thing against pills. It’s been a long time since I have to endure period pain like what I am experiencing now. Sharp stabbing pains that bring me to tears. It’s like having contractions, but it comes and goes. It is not normal pain; it is excruciating type of pain. and this time around my boobs are hurting really bad as well, i couldn't lean over anything.

If I remembered correctly one gynae told me the pain will reduce significantly with age but it seemed to be getting worst but then again what would I benchmark the pain against since my period is very irregular?Before you suggest, yes, I had seen many doctors and each time was given a hell lot of medication to take to regulate them but none seemed to work.

R.I.P - Amy Winehouse

2011-07-25T14:10:00.002+08:00

My goodness, Amy Winehouse has died. She was only 27... too young... with wounded soul. I can really feel her! It's sad, she died broken and alone. Well, perhaps it's better of this way, I think she is happy where she is at now.

Either way, R.I.P Amy Winehouse.

Rainforest World Music Festival 2011

2011-07-17T01:59:00.001+08:00

Unexpectedly, I went to the Borneo Rainforest World Music Festival 2011 @ Kuching last week. An unexpected (all paid for) invitation from a friend’s friend! It was quite an exhausting experience, but it was one I’ll never forget. There’s nothing quite like the atmosphere at the festival ground of Sarawak Cultural Village. The three days packed with magical music-workshops, mini-concerts and action-packed nightly shows. I’ve got to admit this Festival has definitely put Sarawak on the world map. I was quite astonished to see number of tourists congregate this place just for the festival. It is truly a place where people regardless of their ethnicity, cultural backgrounds and music interest come together to have time of their lives. And, seeing people from all walks of lives, different shapes and colors is simply entertaining and gives that feeling of being in my own habitation. And I realize number of things that we all had in common at the festival is the love for music, party, booze and all other foolishness comes along with it.

We had two-day pass with entry into all of the music workshops. The first day we looked around all the craft stalls, into some of the longhouses, attended number of music workshops, watched number of mini-concerts and mostly just walked around the cultural village. In the evening, we sat on the concrete/grass ground overlooking the main stages for the actual performances. Unfortunately, we had to leave early (on both days) and missed out some of the performances especially the Blue Canyon Boys from USA on a first day and Kissmet the Bhangra guys from UK on last day. Well, I was just way too tired.

All in all, I had awesome time at Sarawak. It is a place of mystery, exotic adventures, hornbills, friendly people, orang utans and some fun. I’m definitely coming back next year.

life goes on no matter how...

2011-07-05T13:38:00.000+08:00

Don’t even ask. It’s one of those days…

A song, a story… and you end up crying. That’s life!

The flashbacks are running in mind like there is no tomorrow. You really start thinking about everything… and I really mean EVERYTHING. Sometimes I wish I could say my life is perfect. It’s not. It’s not even close to being perfect. It’s somewhere… without a clear definition. If I would suggest that I’m always right and say the right things… I would lie to myself and moreover to the entire universe. I don’t think there’s anyone who is perfect out there. We all make mistakes, every single day. We pretend to not care but inside we’re hurt, deeply. We think we’re over these fights and insults, but we’re not. Every single one of them hurts. Again and again we hurt each other and don’t even realize it. I start to wonder in what kind of world are we living.

I’ve been bad to everyone lately… I know it’s not fair to punish the whole world for my issues. But sometimes you cannot explain things that go through in our head. You can’t even say a word out, or express your feelings. I guess I’m just a screw-up, someone who can never do anything right and lives in my own world of imagination. I’m a person who wants to be a better person, but chooses the wrong path all the time. The sad part is no one understands me, I’m standing alone! Its kinda sadness overwhelms your entire body leaving you feeling weak and tired... and resentful sometime. And you can’t even sleep cause the sadness is in your dreams too.

“So, please don’t judge me because…. You don’t know me well” - no one knows what I’m going through. “So, please don’t punish me because…. You don’t know me all”

Real people aren’t perfect, perfect people aren’t real. And, I’m sorry I’ve hurt some of you… we hurt each other all the time but without the pain we would not know how life without pain is like. But is it worth all the trouble and tears? Maybe… under certain circumstances! Well… somehow. All the pain and all the trouble we go through in our lives teaches us a lesson. A lesson we would not be able to understand that easily otherwise. Naturally we want to fight the cause of the pain; we want to make it better the next time. That’s the lesson life gives us every time we get hurt.

Still, we all got the right to a beautiful life. At the end no one is perfect. We don’t need to be the best; we just need to be our best. That’s what makes us perfect in our own way. It’s not about what we have, it’s about what make out of it. And I hope someone will understand that and accept me the way I am…

the eternal wife... dance, drama & dazzle!

2011-06-29T23:46:00.000+08:00

Watching an Indian classical dance show isn’t the first time for me, but watching a classical indian tragedy dance drama with the touch of a kama sutra would be the first time experience. What is more incredible is the dancers were consisting of diverse shapes, colours and from various ethnical backgrounds. Also, the startling part is the show starts with a performance of worshiping of the Lord Shiva with the setting of a Shiva temple; In-fact there were many abinayas (gesture) in the performance throughout the show in regards to worshipping of Lord Shiva. Let me tell you this, Lord Shiva is a hindu God… he is like an ultimate form of Hinduism! And, seeing these performers (from various ethnical background) express their movements and techniques of an indian classical dance flawlessly and most importantly without prejudice is something I didn't expect to see... not in this land! The dancers were absolutely remarkable in articulate their abinayas and hastas... in a pure hindu way! The eye movements, the hand gestures and every single step were performed immaculately despite the fact that some of the dancers were not actually trained to perform bharathanatyam originally. And, seeing them dancing seriously made me shed some tears cause I missed the chance of completing my bharathanatyam.

I have to admit that the choreographer, directors and everyone else involves in this production did an amazing job!

And, I also must say that in a way, it’s an eye opener for me too, because... you see, despite the fact that I’ve always been fascinated by Malaysian Art Loving Community, you know, the kind of people that love theatre, music and plays... I have to confess that once or twice I’ve made some fun remarks of these people, perhaps it’s because of their individuality and how they expressed these things. But now I get it… I totally get it! These are group of people who might dress-up or even behave oddly in times but what they all have in common is that they love art... without boundaries (& bigotry). So, thanks anu... for taking me along for these shows. Believe it or not it actually helps me a lot! Because when I’m with these people somehow I feel very relaxed and easy as if I’m at my world with my kinda people who speak my language! And they don’t look at me in a weird way...

escapism or desperate move from reality...

2011-06-23T02:21:00.000+08:00

I have fallen down into the addictive world of light romantic fiction (or chick lit)… again. This happens to me every now and then. Since I have disconnected my cable and sick of watching same stuff over and over in my dvd player… I’d picked up my old habit of reading at home. However, no matter how many wonderful other books I have in my book shelves, no matter how many months/years I have waited to read them, all I want to do is curl up with my chick lit featuring a twenty-something heroine, a well-matched hero and a happy ending. I’m not sure if this counts as simple escapism anymore or whether it has spilled over into desperate-move-from-reality territory.

What really surprising is just few years back I was big ridiculous book snob. If it had a pink cover, I would not go near it. If it was on a bestseller list, I would not touch it. If it had the Oprah mark of approval, all it earned from me was a sneer. Oh yes, I was delightful and not at all annoying as an adolescent.

It is strange that these are the books I get the most comfort from these days, be they by Sophie Kinsella, Cecelia Ahern, Melissa Hill or any other light romance writer, are books that I turned my nose up at so violently nowadays. In early days my prejudice against these genre lasted far longer than any of my other snobbish inclinations, right up until the last few years. I had this mental image of the kind of women who read these books as either mindless housewives or desperate old maids, locked up with their books and their cats. And there is nothing I am more afraid of in life than becoming one of those old maids – and not just because I’m not a big fan of cats, which seem to be a required accessory. I read these books because they entertain me and make me happy and because, logically, I know that there is no single ‘type’ of reader for these books, not given their massive popularity. But then my mother spots me with one of these books, reminds me that I am thirty something and alone, and that the only one of those things that is going to change if I keep reading those books is my age, and the image of the old maid and her cats surges back into my mind. But it is a vicious circle: the more my mother chides me for reading, the more I want the comfort and escapism books provide.

I don’t really know how to conclude this. As yet, there clearly is no conclusion for me. I just (just! Ha!) want my life to be a little more novel-esque – any meaningful plot development, any new characters, any romance would be an improvement over its current trajectory – but freeze when it comes to making any changes that would lead to such progress. So, sometimes, I read instead, as a substitute for having new experiences of my own. And I kind of hate that about myself.

Decisions... Good or Bad!

2011-06-16T20:33:00.005+08:00

Decision. Decision. Decision. We are making it everyday whether we are consciously making it or otherwise. We put our thoughts and weigh the pros and cons. Justification may come in for every action we are going to take. Life without making decision is impossible.

I've been thinking about good decision vs. bad decisions and trying to weigh how many bad decisions I've made vs. good. The problem with this is that you have to really go by your own version of what is good decision and there's a lot of argument on that score.

The paradox we face is that decision that will enhance our life are typically the safer ones, but making every decision a safe one is a quick trip to a meaningless existence. We have to ask what we enjoy more: the living of life or the telling of it. And when I look back on my life, I remember good and bad decisions that I made like a roller coaster, up and down. Bad decisions were meet with trouble and good decision with rewards.

Last year, at work I've made some decisions based on my emotional side of the brain (blame it on the hormones) where I should have made those decisions based on my right side of the brain. But, I didn't! The consequences... were bad. So bad, that I had to mumble about it for a very long time! Terrible! Needless to say, I have learnt my lesson(s). Well, my boss held back in giving bonus and any other prospects that I could possibly think of for the whole year (or more). But it's ok as I am responsible for whatever happens from my decision on, whether good or bad. Keeping this in mind, my decision for the future is becoming clearer. I am the one and only person responsible for my decisions. It's up to me to make those decisions wisely for myself. Nobody else will look after my best interest otherwise. But it's so terrible that most probably I'll hold it against him for a very long time even though it was not so much of his fault.

Anyway, a recent experience at work, an employee, lets just called him Mr. Derivative, slightly elderly man nearing his retirement age holding a relatively senior title has caused quite a mess at office. Not just mess, Earthquakes! Let me put it this way, he has successfully prolonged number of unsuccessful IT projects that has and will cost the company quite a bit of damage. My initial thought was, poor guy perhaps he deserves a 2nd chance, anyone could slip! However, after an undisclosed period of time, there was a decision (or so I heard) in the management to reshuffle... shuffle etc. and somehow they'd decided to put Mr. Derivative in my team... as my boss! Well, the cool kat I am accepted it first on a face value for about 10 seconds but the thought of working under an underdog like him freaked me out. I am at the point in my life that I'm acutely aware of the fact that I have a lot of catching up to do, and must be on a fast track (at least to try to be) that I cannot afford to slow down for any one or for any reason. So, I decided to let my current boss also the big boss, also Mr Derivative's boss, we shall call him Mr. Real McCoy, that I will not be able to do this, as you all know, I myself stumbling around with my project/work trying very hard to work-around all by myself and the idea of having someone slightly disoriented like Mr. Derivative as my boss... not a good idea! So, I decided to tell that to Mr. McCoy... (via email) in a very emotional manner, well, I don't know why I get very emotional with him nowadays.

And somehow after a while and some sort of urging or whatever you call-it and when I finally started to accepting the fact that I could work with Mr Derivative, my colleague, who reports directly to me, confronted that she is seriously not comfortable to work with him. I was puzzled, as I thought I was THE fussy one! However, this probe me into doing some unofficial investigation on Mr. Derivative, you know, asking around, putting the puzzles together etc. only to found out that Mr. Derivative had actually done quite a bit if a damage to the organization than I actually anticipated originally - up to the extend that it has caused the company quite a bit of an embarrassment and $$. And I also learn that he is not so much of a "fatherly" figure that I used to deem because basically a father provides and protects, but he was more of a "Romeo" type that conveniently allowed his personal feelings into influencing his decision. He is also a complete futile who deserted the team, drag them down to the shit hole where he is right now. Well, at this point I realize that one thing that I'm glad happened is... I made a midnight (actually more like 4am) decision to inform Mr. Real McCoy how felt about the whole thing. But the thing is I didn't know the whole situation back then, I only trusted my instinct telling me that something is not right.

Anyhow, after all this experience I went through in last coupla months, I'm bit intrigue... what would be Mr. Real McCoy's decision right now? What is he going to do with Mr. Derivative? Of course, if I were the boss my decision would be to report him officially to the management, HR to be precisely, show-cause letter, file a disciplinary inquiry... well, the whole nine-yard I suppose. And, at the end, make it as the management's decision; to demote him to his old position. Come-on how bad this could be, all he has to do is downgrade his lifestyle. I'm sure he'll survive! There are millions of people are living in poverty and earning just a fraction of what some of us are getting. Beside, this will be an opportunity for "redeem" (my boss fav word) himself.

Now, some may say this is inhuman or even a plain cruelty. Well, the universe will say NO, because this would be the best decision at this point of time. This is how it should be, think about it! Think about all the privileges Mr. Derivatives had enjoyed (still enjoying actually) in a form of position and big fat salary and all other privileges that comes with it. How is it fair to some other staffs that are at same level of experience and qualification and the ones that can do 10 times better job then than Mr. Derivative. The ones that never had THE chance! How is it fair to the people that are stuck with the mess that he'd created and now assigned to clean it? How fair is it to Mr. Real McCoy, that now he has to answer to his superiors? Well, what do we call these people? The unlucky ones? Well, look at the bigger picture; my opinion is Mr. Derivative had his time and privileges. Now it's the phase for him go back to reality, learnt some lessons.

People, look at it, the universe doesn't gives second chance... it's 'us' the ones that give chances. We do that because we're humans! I remember there was a similar situation about couple of years ago with Mr. Derivative where he screwed up pretty badly and Mr. Real McCoy gave him a second chance! Believe it or not since it's was Mr. Real McCoy's decision to give Mr. Derivative the chances back then, now Mr. Derivative manage to screwing things up just a little more to proof the point. Now, I guess Mr. Real McCoy probably had to take full responsibility for this mess and it is a hard learnt lesson for him too. You see it is a normal human condition that we'll never learn our lessons till there is some sorta punishment for our mistakes. Jainism believes the individual is considered to be the sole doer and enjoyer of his karmas and their 'fruits'. Whether Mr. Derivatives or Mr. Real McCoy, they all have their own decisions to make and karma to face here.

Anyway, what it all comes down to right now is certain things in life are beyond our control. Decisions should be made based on fair justification. It may look bad on you right now but for everyone benefit you have to make the decision. We can plan for the best and at the same time; need to prepare for the worst. Nobody likes to intentionally upset others. So do you and me! But if you don't punish the guilty now, indirectly you are punishing the rest of innocent world.

And, knowing all this, I'm wondering, what would be Mr. Real McCoy's next step? Next decision? I'm always captivated by his decisions and judgments on people. Let just wait and see...

cause I've got one hand in my pocket...

2011-06-06T14:55:00.003+08:00

Alanis Morissette’s song Hand in My Pocket from her Jagged Little Pill album is playing in my Mp3 player as I write this... I've never been a great interpreter of song lyrics, but I’ve always liked this one for its ambiguity. It seems to be saying to me that there are two sides to everything. One hand is in the pocket and the other one is doing something else... It’s like when things are not going really great, you don’t have to look over your shoulder and that life has a wonderful randomness to it...

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry, baby

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty, baby...

How odd as I just realized that the song seems totally appropriate (word by word) for me (except for the part I’m young and underpaid, well, I am underpaid but not sure ‘bout the young part). The song actually reflects exactly how I feel right now! And, the thing is Alanis is about my age right now and this song was written almost 15 years ago! And I remember, I felt as if it was my theme-song back then when it was newly released and how strangely it's stilllll reflects how I feel right this moment... after 15 years! Was it me... who hasn't been evolving (in a good way) all this time or was it the song that is so incredibly wonderful that it could possibly plays a significant part at any age...

Sirilah Raman... Perplexed!

the notebook... can we live up to it!

2011-05-20T14:18:00.002+08:00

What I’ve learnt in recent days is, no matter how independent and self-sufficient we are it is still always nice to be looked after and to be loved unconditionally. It provides a sense of security, similar to that of when we were young and our parents looked after us. For those who have seen the movie “Notebook”, in the film, you can see clearly that Noah the hero loves Ally at her best and at her worst and he stands by her no matter what. The film literally takes the traditional marriage vows and has Noah live by example with them ‘in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health, for better for worse, for richer for poorer’.

To see that he has stood by her like this makes any woman melt at her knees. May be that is why most women (like me) will always love the movie. But the fun part is most men I’ve known dislike the movie because they think that a man like Noah does not really exist. Also, we have to remember that it is just a movie and is romanticized for the purpose of selling the story.

However, keep in mind ladies that your man may not be like Noah, but maybe he can offer you something better… something real. So what if he does not write 365 letters to you? If he makes you laugh, and holds you when you cry, and loves you despite your meltdowns, then he is a wonderful man. Who wants perfection anyway!?

I'm ready...

2011-05-15T00:22:00.000+08:00

Ready to celebrate and cherish the moments…

To go out for what I want without any guarantees…

To leave behind the things that wrong for me…

Ready to forgive…

Ready to face all of life’s unexpected twist…

To pursuit happy ending which may never come…

To let go when it’s too pain to hold on…

Ready to turn the page!

good triumphs over evil? i doubt that!

2011-04-28T02:23:00.008+08:00

I am curious where people stand on this topic. It seems to be one of those that float around in various subjects such as religion and spirituality. With the common belief that "don't worry because in the end, good always triumphs over evil."

I am of the belief that it is just a fairy tale. I think that a more accurate statement is that most of the time evil triumphs over good and it’s not the other way round. Trust me, I just had a sudden experience meeting a living proof of an evil!

Our world is built on power. The people who run the world have all the power - the same amoral people who will get away with things. And of course the other group - decent, gentle and kind people are pretty much screwed in this world.

I guess we can look at when "good has triumphed over evil". Probably a prime example would be the allies defeating the Nazi's in WWII. Unfortunately though, we are far from some sort of benevolent entity. The history surrounding WWII doesn't show a whole lot of "good" anywhere, just varying degrees of evil. We keep replacing one master with another. The end is still the same. Average people exploited for the benefit of the few.

Sometime I really wish I could believe that in the end good will triumphs over evil, but right now I only think it is something we tell ourselves so we can sleep at night.

sleep tight...

2011-04-26T02:35:00.002+08:00

I have to be up in roughly four hours to get ready for work. Why am I not asleep?

Because going to sleep involves turning the music off, disconnecting from the internet, getting in my bed and clearing my head in order to drift off to sleep... Can I clear my head, though? Not at all.

I'll cry if i want to...

2011-04-19T13:44:00.003+08:00

Last coupla weeks has been trying and nerve-racking; and there were several moments where I wanted to burst out crying in the office. Yes, I am going to admit it, I am an emotional person. There was even a point in the week when an old friend called to get an update and I just explained I couldn't talk work stuff because I was at work and I didn't want to have a break down. Let me just say this, working in a large organisation has been beyond stressful.

This got me thinking though, how many of you have cried in the workplace? Seen a colleague cry? And how do you handle it?

Stress is my major point of weakness when it comes to wanting to burst out into tears. It may be long hours, some insane and demonically possesed people at work or a pending deadline that goes off track, but crying is a source of release for me. In the beginning of my career, managing this kind of stress was so new to me that it lead to many crying sessions and more than I would care to admit. However over the last several years I have gotten better about managing this stress and have learned how awful it really is to cry in front of my colleagues and bosses. It makes me feel weak and less respected, so now I avoid it all costs.

For me, learning to manage my tears has come with time and I know there are still lots to learn when it comes to stress management. Here are several things that I do:

· Take a short 5-10 min toilet break
· Take a coffee or lunch break
· Do something personal to clear my mind off of work
· Walk outside and make a phone call
· Make a to do list to map out how I am going to get everything done
· Take deep breaths
· Turn on my mp3 player for a little bit

One thing I learned not to do unless I have a friend working with me that I trust, is to go crying to a colleague. If my tears are about to come when I am talking to someone, I quickly end the conversation and head for a private location.

Now reversing roles, what do you do if its someone else who is shedding tears? When this happens to me, my number one thought is get them out of sight of everyone else who might be able to see that they are crying. I usually suggest we get out of the office to continue to address what is going on. Then from there I make sure they know I am there for them and this session will be between us only. If its stress I try to unburden them and see what I can do to take a load from them, otherwise I just listen and try to be a good listener-and that's all.

Maybe god always has a reason for allowing bad things to happen

2011-04-07T17:08:00.008+08:00

This is not a political post but I would like to underline few issues that some of us are facing on daily basis in our lives. These are serious issues and sometime I wonder why not many are taking it seriously? Some of us are even have become immune to it. It’s discrimination; in my opinion we all have the right to not be discriminated against based on simple things like gender, race or even size of our waist. And I strongly agreeing to the fact that in life naturally liberals tend to have two sets of rules, one set that applies to all of those who liberals label as ‘victims’, and another set of rules that apply to everyone else.

Most types of discriminations are very subtle. While not legal, these discriminations happen on daily basis and believe it or not almost all of us being discriminated one way or another in our lives. And if you can prove it’s happening you might have legal remedies, but how can you prove it? More often than not, you can’t. For example, one of the worst places for such discrimination is in the workplace. Imagine, you just won’t get that promotion, raise or that special bonus you've been hoping for and you may “know” that it’s because you’re belong to that minority group or you belong to a weaker gender (as if we gonna get PMS and ruin the whole empire) or just because you are an overweight person. Now you tell me, how can we prove this – base on statistics? Or just by making complaints to the authorities? I don’t think any of this going to work… the truth is, there is nothing you can do about it! You just have to accept the faith! Or perhaps look for better place to work; the think is no one can assure that you will not face the similar problem at the other place.

When the news of some colleagues receiving promotions or a higher salary than us certainly creates all sorts of negative feelings among employees. So, when it happens to me in my organisation, I assume it would be a right timing for me to present my case asking for salary review. I guess one of the biggest taboos at work is to talk about salary; it creates dissatisfaction among both employees & employers. I was just plain curious why some get to climb the ladder much faster than the rest… because they are really better than us or was it because they are prettier & glamor than us? Or was it because their hair is much straighter than mine? I must also say that most people are normally not content with their salaries, I know I do sometime I guess it’s a normal human condition. Some even goes to the extend of believing that they are the one working harder that the rest – but in my case, I had pretty acceptable reasons and I said it loud and clearly – in fact I l listed in bullet points that I do deserve this. And, I didn't say that I am better than them, I just said that I’m equally talented and I deserve a chance as well.

It has been a while since I request for this with my work place – I guess it has been deliberately forgotten since there was no whatsoever response from them. Of course then there were all sorts of questions keep popping up in my head… What went wrong here? I'm not saying that I have been discriminated here but I'm keep wondering what is the problem? Why am I not getting any answers? Or perhaps my performance is actually not so good? Maybe my superior is not happy with something I did which I’m not aware of? Or perhaps it is all because of the skin colour… because I’m not one of them! Or even because I’m fat and not fit to work and that I’m a slob… How can I figure this out unless they would have at least tried to acknowledge my request! Why i was not even given a chance?

Seriously, with this kind of treatment I’m getting, how can I not to contemplate the fact that there is a discrimination factor here? … are they are saying that all those people are really better than me? If seriously they are not then why can't they at least consider looking at request and work through my strengths and guide me with my weaknesses so that I’ll have my fair chance in future? Now, it all seems like they not right! It’s more like who I am or rather what colour is my skin rather than what I can do for this organisation :(

I guess it’s normal because believe it or not I am one of those who have been affected in a great length in my whole life - being discriminated in the past and it's still going on... I actually learnt the hard way of being a minority in a society and it was not easy. Discrimination against race, gender and being fat is happening everyday. I also learnt that being me at this point of time - in this country - is certainly not a hip thing. And no one who is not an INDIAN FEMALE & OBESE will ever understands this… As for me, for all the trails I've encountered; I am still far from being humble or patient on things like this. However, the only consolation I have right now is, I just tell myself everyday that maybe god always has a reason for allowing bad things to happen.

all i need is...

2011-03-30T18:12:00.002+08:00

A really great kiss!

I can't recall the last time I actually kissed someone....

Well OK, yeah...there was one peck on the cheek with that little Lokesh last week – but that doesn’t count cause he is only two.

And I did kiss my ex once during his visit – that was the goodbye kiss which was actually quite nice and very sweet. But that was nearly coupla years ago! Oh... that OTHER guy in Penang, I forgot his name… and that was like more than a year ago.

I want that anticipation of leaning in...lips inches apart...the sound of a man's racing heart echoing in my own chest.

I want the feeling of his fingers carressing my skin as his lips brush against mine.

I want my toes to tingle.

I want someone to kiss me...and really mean it.

eat, drink & party!

2011-02-23T14:31:00.011+08:00

We arrived safe and sound at Langkawi, the second trip to Langkawi with Anu. On our way to our hotel, Awana Porto Malai, we drove along the popular Pantai Chenang and it was full of foreigners/westerners. Once we got into our room, it must have taken us only 3-4 minutes before we set on our journey to explore the island from there. We just felt like driving around and listening to music. So, after a late lunch at “T-Jays”, we decided to go to Kuah town to check out some duty-free stuff.

Our preferred mode of transportation on Langkawi had a little mishap on our 1^st day at the island due to over-excitement & compilation of funny luck, fortunately we all survived the little bad-luck with very little damage to our pockets.

After the mishap turned miracle escape we drove back to Pantai Chenang in our rental and spent rest of the afternoon doing nothing but chilling-out by the beach and watching lot of foreigners and Rastafarian look-alike locals playing volleyball by the beach. It was a great atmosphere with the odd Jet Ski buzzing around despite the place feeling really laid-back. For the first time in ages, I actually felt like I was in a real holiday.

I could say that Langkawi is, in a way, understated – it is beautiful up to the point where it wasn't a huge tourist destination like Ko Samui or Bali. Sometime I wonder the island is so ridiculously beautiful that the rest of the world failed to catch on. Anyway, I like it because of the laid-back, small, friendly people and cheap factors. And, this time around I met some great people too, people were super duper times by hundred nicer than people back here in KL.

On our second day we took a ride on a cable car to the top of a mountain with a great view of the whole island. Anu had some fun there with her cool Heineken hat :). Then, we spend the afternoon back at Pantai Chenang, walking from one end of the beach to other and occasional dip into the warm sea. We felt like we were finally in paradise. There were lots of nice restaurants lined up and down along Pantai Chenang and people fly across the blue sky on their para sail or across the crystal sea on their jet ski. Before long, we were ready for a shower and we head back to our hotel to get ready for the night ahead.

We had our dinner at what calls itself a best Indian restaurant in Langkawi. It’s bordering on south/north Indian cuisine and the service was superb, partly because Anu is somewhat related to the owner.

Leaving the restaurant we went back to Pantai Chenang for our boat trip to take us to the Full-Moon party at Monkey Island. The boat trip was bit frightening though the trip worth every penny. After an evening of dancing and laughing we get into the ‘Rastafarian style’ boat back to the Pantai Chenang and drove back to our hotel and Anu and I are asleep by… oooo… as early as 4 or 5am. It was a fun evening especially we giggling about the whole scenario.

All in all, a whirlwind experience and fabulous 3 days! It went by too quickly, as it always does, but of course it’s nice to be “home” in KL. Sorry it’s taken me bit long to post this, but hopefully it is thoroughly detailed and makes you just a little jealous :).

who started the love/hate relationship?

2011-02-10T18:27:00.001+08:00

A recent trip to boss’s office reminded me how easy it is to hate people just because they have authority over you. I went over to him with the intention of clarifying few issues that didn’t go well in the earlier meeting. However, the second discussion turned out worst than the first one as we both ended up saying things that we shouldn’t be saying to each other… well, at least I know I did!

I’ve got to agree that my boss is a no-nonsense kinda guy. If he’s sitting in front of you it can be for one or two reasons. Either you screwed up pretty badly (like the both incidents pertaining to my previous subordinates) or he wants to ask you a question he already has the answers to.

Meeting him face-to-face was a big mistake! Truth be told, he has been quite gracious to me throughout my tenure here. But I have to admit that the distance between me and him is measured in miles! (not literally though cuz on the surface he is kinda close me) what i meant was - he is so close to some of us yet so far away! I guess when you’re far away you tend to make things up in your mind on how people are then what they are in reality.

Nowadays, I find that he is often inconsistent with his approach telling me one thing and expecting another. And as usual me being the big rebel, told him what’s on my mind the other day though what I’ve failed to do is to get my facts straight before shooting my complaints. My mistake! I remember the days when I was totally into him – you know when he hires me and shows some favours...etc. But somehow along the way it all got turned the other way around.

Is he my “parent” now? What am I – a chopped liver?

in a mood...

2011-02-02T10:15:00.002+08:00

Rainy days and the impending holiday season...

I don't know what it is about the combination of the two...but they've landed me on my bed snuggled up in blankets, spending the whole day watching every romanctic movie I own, wishing I had someone here to cuddle up to.

Instead, I'm alone.

So I snuggle deeper in the blankets...allowing other men's words to wash over me. And for one brief moment in time, I can pretend they were meant for me.

i'm back... after a breakdown!

2010-12-01T18:56:00.000+08:00

Here I am getting ready to go home from work and getting back into the swing of things! It has been a busy day and I am lagging further behind than I like but at least I'm moving. What I would like to share is, I had a wonderful time during the weekend. It was suppose to be the Thanks Giving weekend at some part of the world - its not that I get to celebrate the holiday here but still… thanks giving is one of my most favourite holiday - it’s really awesome). Anyway, on Saturday I went to see my godfather, had long chat with him! And I had forgotten how cool it to be talking to him especially when he’s sober :) and of course some outing with my friend as usual. And then, on Sunday morning after a long needed nap, we all went for lunch... which prolonged till supper :)

The thing nowadays is, maybe age affirming, but I often get stressed out, and sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me. There, I said I! We all have a “thing” right… and “freakingout” is my thing. My mom tells me constantly that I need to learn to face my problems instead of kicking out or trying to run away. But what if I am my own number one problem? How do you run away from yourself?

What worst is lately I’ve felt myself losing the grip. I’ve got a lot going on, but don’t we all? I used to curb my shitty days with food, shopping, vodka or just by taking long drive in my car. But whatever I do is no longer the outlet for my stress and I’m not sure what to do sometime. I can’t eat my way through it... I can’t indulge in retail therapy (I’m kinda broke nowadays to be honest) and my first impulse is to “get away” but I suppose that is my old escapist mentality talking.

So... what I've just did is renewed my gym membership at True Fitness (yes, they are still cut-throat) but I remember I used to enjoy my weekend workouts. Exercising used to help relieve my anxiety a lot and I was probably one of those rare people who likes to workout and still eat like a pig everyday… hehe. So, this is it… I’m going back to Gym!

Wish me luck!

is this normal...

2010-11-22T00:30:00.000+08:00

I barely left bed in last few days… feel like I’ve lost most of my abilities! Didn’t eat or wash for two days… Is this normal! I do wanna get back to work tomorrow… I do wanna feel normal, but I don’t know how. The best way I can explain how i feel is: imagine someone has had a stroke and has to learn to walk and talk again… that’s how I feel mentally, as if I’ve just lost my ability to do anything.

someday i'll learn...

2010-11-15T02:50:00.001+08:00

I had the brilliant idea to go ice skating. Me...a klutz. A girl with no coordination... A girl that runs into walls. A girl who, (completely sober) would still fail a field test of walking a straight line.

Yes, that girl (me) strapped on a pair of rental skates, threw caution to the wind and eased my way onto the ice.

It took about 2.2 seconds to realize that I had lost my mind.

I was happened to be at Sunway Pyramid on Saturday morning… ok, it was not a co-incident. I had to be there to support my so called bowling team from office… anyway, since the game didn’t turn out as I expected, I left early. Then I remembered the ice skating!

Since there was no elegant gliding, no effortless maneuvering or fancy footwork… No no...those things were replaced with cursing, stumbling, and more cursing. I resorted to clinging to the edge of the rink as if it were my life preserver, maintaining a death grip while cautiously scooting my way around the arena. Moments of panic came at points when other skaters were resting against the edge of the rink, directly ahead of me. Forcing me to let go of safety, say a quick prayer and try to glide past them to the other side.

Most of my efforts were successful. One was not. I was faintly aware of everything moving in slow motion. I felt my foot catch and my body loses balance. I remember thinking, "Oh Damn! No! No no no no no!!! Please no! Everyone's watching!" Then everything went white. Followed by the oddest sensation of feeling that while my butt was terribly cold...my face was burning with fire.

All in all it was good fun, though it's not something I'm in a terrible hurry to try again.

so... it was my birthday!

2010-11-01T14:15:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was my birthday!!! I think I handled it pretty well. Thank goodness I have a lot friends and family members to celebrate' it with me!!

We had a really fun day. It started out with midnight wish calls, first one is from 3 years old Teerthan, my darling from Klang.

And, I got to eat out lots this week for my birthday, which is one of my favorite things to do!!! And, I received lots of fun presents. The best being from my friend, she gave me a Charles & Keith purse!!! I LOVE purses so much and have wanted one for a long time now.

I was with group of people who means a lot to me for the whole day, we spent the day driving around, Klang, Banting & Morib. It was such a beautiful day out.

Later in the evening I had fun dinner & chat session at bangsar Chillis with Anu!

Though i was bit disappointed as i didn't hear from that one person that i was expecting to hear from... perhaps he didn't know! But It was still a super fun birthday!!

Thank you to all of you for the birthday wishes throughout the day!!

how do you know if a guy is just admiring you...

2010-10-30T02:13:00.003+08:00

How do you know when a guy is just admiring you from afar or is actually interested in you? I'm not conceited or anything but I find some guys... ok... one guy looks at me a lot but never approach me. Well, at least not in that way...

so, I am a bit wary now of forming crushes on guys who do this because they either turn out to be married or already have a girlfriend. Guys only seem to flirt with me when it’s "safe" to do so, i.e they know they’re not going to take it any further.

Sometime I wonder why they don’t even see me as a person!!?

May be that’ s the reason why I’m so guarded nowadays and I’m wary of flirting because I know how easy it is now to lead someone on and I don’t want to look like a fool.

re-run

2010-10-11T14:23:00.001+08:00

I wanted to get a different post up...but...I'm drawing a blank. So, I made the decision to republish and old entry. There are only a handful of you who read this the first time around so it's like brand new to everyone else. Score!

I'm fat. For those of you who know me, you're probably thinking 'duh' right now. I'm aware of this...a lot of the time I'm acutely aware of this. The thing is that sometimes (for brief periods of time) I forget. Then I see pictures...or video and become aware that, not only am I fat, I'm much fatter than I thought. The evolved side of me realizes that I should have the " and?" mentality. Who the hell who should care that I'm fat any more than they care that I have beautiful long hair? Yes, there are the health reasons, I have this thing called PCOS syndrome. but let's face it, very few people give a shit enough to think about that when they're looking at you. The evolved side of me watched the F.A.T. pageant the other night at Channel V and was proud of these girls (versus the other part of me who was thinking the smaller chicks were definitely more attractive). The un-evolved, self-conscious part of me is uncomfortable in my body, worries whether I would be able to be hired for the job I want, wonders how I'll ever attract a man. I write all of this because I'm tired of bowing to the evolved side...tired of letting my weak nature and busy schedule win. I want to eat better, exercise more, and not feel like cringing as I see a picture of me.

pluck musical arson

2010-10-07T10:00:00.004+08:00

Sometime you just need a fun and comical musical to take you away and that is exactly what I found at PJ Live Arts Ctr last night, PLUCK Musical Arson. The trio bills themselves as “the world’s funniest string trio,” brought along their comedy, classics and… well, indigenous argument – from UK.

You should watch…

PS – Thanks Anu, for the free ticket - it's always good to have friends in the newspaper business :)

i need a hug... part 2

2010-10-06T16:08:00.001+08:00

The alarm clock goes off every morning at 7am. It’s the same routine, climb out of bed, shower, get dressed and battle the traffic to get to work. I used to have good and bad days at work, but now everyday is a bad day. Could this be a sign... I’m in the wrong career?

This morning started out really iffy. I literally cried the whole morning and to my annoyance I have no privacy even to cry in this office – I had to hide my sorrows all the way. What a life…

Anyway, I’m looking forward to go out with Anu later. Should be fun to get out for a bit.

i need a hug...

2010-09-15T17:40:00.008+08:00

Bad days... we all have them and they downright suck!

Today, I'm having a bad day at work!

Everything about today was royally sucked and I feel like I am being torn to go in 18 million directions.

Really, all I want to do is just go home, lock myself in the washroom and cry.

But I am not going to. I just keep reminding myself that tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a new day. Today - I just need to keep wading my fat arse though this pile of shit life has presented me. Seriously, what do i have to do to get little attention around here???

So, here's the plan for tonight, after this piece of shitty day is over, I am heading to Chillis to inhale the smell of margaritas, then I have to solve some personal issues and then go to sleep and never think about this day again.

Boooo to bad days I say! BOOOO!

after...

2010-09-15T11:52:00.000+08:00

I let the tears seep into the ground beneath me.

I let the tension crawl out of my body and slink off into the darkness.

On the cold, stone floor of what had come to feel like my prison...I succombed to the exhaustion enveloping me.

My aching body...weak and motionless until a feeling of warmth persuaded it to stir.

Eyes still heavy with sleep, I raised my head to find sunlight settling over me like a warm blanket...gently brushing my hair back from my tear stained face and murmuring, "Sleep darling, sleep."

kryptonite

2010-08-07T01:51:00.002+08:00

Men have powers.

Not the flying kind.

Instead they seem to wield another power...one that influences feelings of great happiness, despair and anger.

They can leave you stewing...frustrated and boiling with so much anger that you want to thump them in the eye.

Then just as quickly there are murmured, "I miss yous" and suddenly you find the anger slipping away.

Blurring the line between Nemesis and Hero...

sirilah raman...

TGIF

2010-07-17T03:38:00.000+08:00

Thank god it's friday! I'm tired, my head is hurting and I'm soooo ready for the weekend. However, I’m stuck in the office doing some crappy stuff (they call it DR)… Right now my brain is having a hard time working properly so I decided to write something that is fun and will make me happy thinking about it for the rest of the evening. I decided to list the guys that would be my "free pass" if given the chance.

1. Orlando Bloom-as Legolas, not as the wuss he played in Troy.
2. Colin Farrell-my friend refers to him as a walking petri dish but I don't care, he seems like he'd be good for dirty dirty sex. Bring it on.
3. David Beckham-Did you see his cover of Vanity Fair...enough said.
4. Brad Pitt-Pre Angelina Jolie
5. Viggo Mortensen-only as Aragorn because in real life he looks kind of funny.
6. Matt Damon-I just think he's cute.
7. Matthew McConaughey-his abs his abs his abs
8. James Denton-from Desperate Housewives, he can work on my plumbing anytime.
9. Wil Smith-he's funny as shit.
10. Daniel Radcliff-I know it's pervy but Harry Potter has gotten hot.

Now if I was a guy...here are the women I'd pick: (Interesting, I chose some 'girl next door' types, some 'smokin hot' types & some my type of gals.)

1. Catherine Zeta-Jones
2. Salma Hayek
3. Jennifer Hudson
4. Scarlett Johansson
5. Halle Berry
6. Evangeline Lilly
7. Kate Beckinsale
8. Nicole Kidman
9. Queen Latifah
10. Sienna Miller

flabbergasted...

2010-05-10T17:47:00.002+08:00

...and men say we're hard to understand!

Like hell.

If they're not leading you on and then completely ignoring you...

Then you get the other extreme where they're coming on so strong you almost feel suffocated.

WHERE ARE THE NORMAL MEN?????

sorry

2010-02-19T09:51:00.002+08:00

I've been such a shitty blogger lately.

Honestly, I've got SO much really good material to write about... But, I can't use any of it!!!!

*bangs head on desk in frustration*

Maybe I should just give up blogging altogether. I've been so slack about it lately anyhow. I don't know... we'll see. Things have been really busy lately and I've been pre-occupied. So we'll see if I have a creative mind at some point or waht...

My Wish List

2010-01-06T13:44:00.003+08:00

Another year has gone by.

A year that was not so much meant for me, rather it was a crazy one. And there is still certain lingering sense of dissatisfaction as the New Year started. May be, I could have done a bit more, achieved a bit more. I wish I had gone to new places, tried out some new things. I wish I had an exciting job. I wish I had read more books. But I guess, if wishes were planes, the beggars would fly...

Normally, I don’t make New Year resolutions. I know I am incapable of keeping them. I prefer to make some wishes instead. If they are granted, I feel happy. If not, I know they were never not meant to be fulfilled. After all, there is also something called destiny.

So this year again, I have made some wishes. Who knows whether they will be granted or not, but there is no harm in praying for fulfilment, is there?

So here it is, my wish list for the year 2010.

1. While waiting for the New Year count down at TSB with Anu, I had this strange thought or rather hope crossing my mind. I thought… this is it! This is what exactly I need. This is what I’ve been waiting for. And I’m going to go for it! Of course it’s too private to reveal the details here though I might if it gets fulfilled. I guess. I will need some hand holding for this.

2. I wish there were companies that would employ educated and competent Indian woman who has plenty of experience, talent & skills for a well-paid job. I wish the corporates would understand that we deserve the equal right (and $$) regardless of race and gender.

3.I wish shedding some extra kilos that I have piled up would be as exciting and as easy as eating yummy food.

4. I wish the smaller things in life that annoys me everyday like the bad traffic would get better this year.

5.I wish I could blog about general, mundane things, like the movie that I watched last week or the children playing in the park rather than bickering bout my ever-not-so-perfect life.

6. I wish I would be able to totally conquer my anger. I battle with belligerence and pretty much lose every time. I scream, I use hateful words and I snap back. What's worse, I hang on to my frustrations and never let go. I wish I had more control over my self. I wish I would learn to be calm and serene this new year.

7. I wish I could meet all my friends more often. There is nothing like talking to those people you have grown with, physically as well as mentally. I wish all of them lived near by and I could drop into some one's house unannounced.

8.I wish, I will be able to start saving and reduce some of my unnecessary expenditures.

9. And lastly, I wish I could have a better relationship with my family members.

So that's about it. That was my wish list 2010. Towards the end of the year, I will know how many of them have come true. I wish the year would end soon! And yes, I wish each one of you a very, very happy New Year! Have fun always.

U-N-A-V-A-I-L-A-B-L-E

2009-08-24T23:23:00.001+08:00

Let's face it, when I do meet men I have a habit of attracting the ones that are:

U-N-A-V-A-I-L-A-B-L-E.

Be it physically, emotionally or geographically. If they suffer from it, I've probably dated them.

The next step...finding a cure.

oh gee...

2009-07-06T23:50:00.000+08:00

My my how quickly time flies by!

I had no idea my little blog was sprouting cobwebs and sheets of dust. Shame on me.

So much for my plan to write more...but in my defense, work has gotten the best of me. Long days, late hours and by the time I get home the only thing I can think about is relaxing.

I should have some time to myself this weekend so I'll see if I can pull it together. Promise!

Tah!

the butterfly effect...

2009-05-26T23:50:00.001+08:00

In a time where love can be as puzzling as a complex mathematical equation, it seems necessary for those venturing into the world of dating to be equipped with some sort of quick reference guide.

A 'go to' for the dating impaired.

You know, a translator for those who can't read the signs.

For instance, the question on the table is...butterflies.

With some relationships you feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach turning you topsy turvy and every which way but up. While in others...they sleep quietly without so much as a flutter.

Are those little butterflies indicators for the amount of love and excitement you have for someone?

And can you love the sleepy ones just as much as the ones that have you turned on your head?

This is when cliff notes would be handy.

just a thought... :)

sometimes...

2009-04-28T15:17:00.003+08:00

Sometimes you just need to go out with your girlfriends and have a drink. I am far past due and in dire need.

P.S. Work (still) stinks

absolute (ly)...

2009-04-15T16:17:00.002+08:00

Long time readers know that my last few years have been filled with something a little less cheery than sunshine.

Tornado? Flood? Tsunami?

I needed a release. A way to let go! A way to look in the eyes of the person(s) that caused said disaster in Sriland and give them the finger.

So what did I do?

I threw myself in a vodka land…

* work stinks

everyone's right cuz it's all about PERCEPTION

2009-03-25T11:11:00.002+08:00

I'm dealing with a situation in my life right now where different people feel right about their stance on a scenario due to their perception. Perception is huge... how many friendships have changed due to perception... how many wars have been waged due to perception... how many times have you personally been involved in a situation that you feel is fine and then learn someone else is really upset?

Tolerance and understanding sometimes still don't solve all of our issues... we still feel right while someone may disagree with us. Are they right? are we right? Sometimes its best to just walk away and agree to disagree and hope the fallout isn't to tall to walk over.

Very deep thoughts (by Jack Handy...remember that from SNL?)

a cure for losers..

2009-03-18T11:06:00.003+08:00

I was very disappointed. In fact it has been pretty nasty week for me at work. I’m bothered!

This is something associated with my GO AHEAD, TALK ABOUT ME POST and really, it saddened my day or rather week. It made me affected and soul-searched myself. (But I am okay now. I am laughing and I just can’t stop. Poor people! Losers forever. I just cannot believe that this sort of immaturity still happens in my office)

When you judge a person as how you see her is one thing but to discuss it with somebody else and to talk about it at her back is another. I was over the “judging thing”. In fact, I laugh upon remembering, thinking that bitterness and jealousy caused it all. People advised me that instead of having bad feelings towards them, I should pity them for jealousy is such a painful thing that is almost fatal.

I experienced jealousy and so I know how it hurts. I was thinking about them and so I gave in some considerations. I tried to understand. I tried to just ignore. After all, I don’t lose anything. To know that I was stabbed in my back is below the belt. It makes me feel small, yes, but I say that they will never find themselves big when they let others appear small. There is no contentment in that. I got the point that I know myself better than they know me but to see something against you is something that can break my day.

It pissed me more because I tried to be good though I am Little Miss Attitude. I tried to ignore what I heard about and just go on with my life, giving them more things to talk about. I like to tell that the name they are calling me is non-sense. I mean “feeling close” is a compliment to my amicability. It actually shouts about what they don’t have. I am not ashamed of being who I am and trying my best to be close to everybody. Without it, I won’t meet my best friends and other people who made a difference in my life. Is there something wrong with that? If there is, back-stabbing is still worse.

However, I really believe that their talent in making people hate life is rusty. I can actually do better than that but I don’t think they deserve some of my effort, not even a bit of it. I don’t push myself to people who don’t like me. Hell! I have lots of friends and without those haters, my life will still be happy and will still be complete. Actually, they don’t matter and I believe that it will always be that way.

To conclude that I am actually doing everything to make them my friends is a big lie. Don’t assume that much, losers.This is not the right thing to do, yes. A properly-behaved lady should just be shutting up, dealing with other more sensible things. and not letting out her frustration on the blog she owns but I need to unleash this hate. I need to express what I felt after finding out everything. I need to tell the world that I was hurt after I heard those slur pertaining to me. I am still a person. I might have done wrong turns in my life but I don’t think I deserve those insults. There are people whom I've hurt… in the past. There are people whom I took for granted but I never heard them talk about me like that. I never heard their unfair judgments even though they have the right to tell me those things. They never stabbed me in my back. Whenever they have hard feelings on me, they tell me right away. They confront me because they know that back-stabbing is for losers and uneducated. I need to unleash the unfairness I felt. I need to snap back and tell them that the person they are talking about actually knows about their sordid attitude. Somehow, this is a lot better than discussing the issue to someone else and assigning terms and names to them.

BTW, thanks for making me famous and oh, a cure for losers doesn't exists.

if i were a boy...

2009-03-13T10:44:00.003+08:00

If one day, I woke up and face the mirror and saw a boy, I’ll know how and why it happened.

For days, I’ve been endlessly singing Beyonce’s If I Were A Boy. Addiction, eh? I prefer to call it my Last Song Syndrome. I just cannot get over such a beautiful song. It’s something that makes me want to say, “Awww” for it hit those lines the way it should be hit. It’s perfect for those women who had a bad experience on love.

I can sooo relate to the song though… I would like to clarify that I have nothing against boys. I don’t have hard feelings towards the other gender. I do not have the anger or sourness. The song is – well, I just find it great and nice, especially the lyrics. I must admit that once in my life, I’ve experienced losing the one I wanted because I was taken for granted like the girl in the song but then that didn’t stop me from seeing the beauty of life. I learned from what happened and now, I’ve come to terms with the other part of life too. And most importantly I do not hate the one who broke my heart. I think that to conclude that I am not bitter or any of the like is very important in this post. I remember reading in a magazine the line, “Boys are taught not to make a girl cry ever since they were young,” I believe that when they do, it’s for a very good reason. Their reasons may sound silly but I know that they did everything they can in order to save everything. It’s just that some things don’t turn out that well.

i'm trying to get to my car so NO i don't want to give you my number!

2009-02-15T22:45:00.003+08:00

You know, I've come to see that I must give off some sort of idiot vibe when I've wiped my makeup off for the day.

Case in point.

I went to the gym, washed my face, got hot, sweaty and then proceeded to clean up and head to the grocery store at bangsar village for some toiletries. Went in, got the items and its raining when I came out. I decide that I'm not a sugar, as I won't melt in the rain when cross the street towards my car... what do I hear behind me, but some guy talking about how I'm not even listening to who's talking to me...*blink* and *raised eyebrow*. What follows is some dude trying to pick me up in the rain, in the parking lot of bangsar village.

Him: You sure look pretty, you got a boyfriend?

Me: No (inching toward door of car).

Him: That's good so you can be my girlfriend.

Me: I don't even know you.

Him: *switching tactics* You got kids. (now this ticks me off...yes I am an ample hipped woman, however this should not be the determining factor in me having kids...)

Me: I don't like children.

Him: *shocked* Really!

Me: Yes, I prefer my godchildren...children that I can give back.

Him: *changing tactics again* Can I have your phone number.

Me: Sure *I proceed to give him number... some made up digits...

Him: *smug* Don't get a boyfriend, cause you're going to be my girlfriend.

Me: *condescending smile* Again, I don't know you.

At this point I get into my car *finally* and drive away.

a much delayed tag (amended)

2009-02-11T20:25:00.003+08:00

A friend on mine tagged me in facebook… I thought I would pop this onto my blog too! And here are a lot of random things that maybe a lot of you don’t know about me.

1) Never call me early in the morning (before 9). I’ll hang up.

2) I ran away from home once when I was 6. I went down the alley that was near our house and it started to rain so I hid in a box; after what seemed like hours I decided to go home… to my annoyance nobody had even realized I was gone!

3) When I’m sick, I like lots of sympathy.

4) I think I have seasonal mood disorder.

5) I’ll admit it. I’m actually a ‘little’ worried about the economy.

6) I miss some of my closest friends from the past whom I thought would be life-long friends… not that I don’t have many great friends right now… I have some of the best friends a girl could want… but it makes me sad that some people have essentially disappeared from my life.

7) I love to dance.

8) As I get older, I have become very indecisive. I have no idea what I want to do 'when i grow up' and I have pretty degree that is useless to me. And especially last coupla years has been very stressful and i have gained no perspective... I still have no idea what i want to do.

9) I’m a bit narcissistic, I kinda like who I am with all the flaws and the imperfections… it sorta makes me who I am now so I’m in peace with myself.

10) I don’t see why people like kids; I find them annoying and if I ever had any I’ll love them just because they’re mine.

11) I think too much and have hard time sleeping because of it. It is usually really unimportant stuff too.

12) Every now and then I get a really bad crush on someone and then act like a fool about it. This is almost always at least one person I am crushing on to an unhealthy degree... and they usually don't know it. Sometime they don't even know me.

13) Sometime I hate myself for not being great at anything.

14) I can happily re-read books and watch movies that I have seen over and over.

15) I haven’t regretted my relationship, and I love every single one of them dearly.

16) Even after having a broken heart I still belive in Happily Ever After...

17) I am on a anti-social mood right now... so, totally avoing my friends -- especially those happy couples.

18) My ambition when I was in primary school is to be a stewardess. Thank god someone set me straight along the way.

20) When I see someone cry I automatically get teary. It doesn’t matter if it’s a movie or my best friend.

21) I went to 11 different schools.

22) I need lots of pillows to sleep with. I make a fortress around me every night.

23) Hate when people try to tell me what to do.

24) I can handle being apart from people for reasonably long period of time.

25) I joined Facebook so I could stalk people, but then those people have private profiles… LAME!

There you have it… my boring 25.

you're moving like a movie, you still move me.

2009-02-03T10:25:00.003+08:00

I'm at the point right now where I can't even decide if I'm happy or sad about the situation. Why is this even a situation where a decision is appropriate? I can't even figure that out. I can't figure anything out.

I want to have a theme for this post, something to focus on but for the life of me I cannot wrap my mind around anything right now. So instead, I am going to go to sleep with hopes of having really nice dreams because lately that is all I can get. And I don't mean slimy dreams, I mean nice dreams.

I think I'm happy, in fact I know I am happy. I'm just one frustrated little camper!

happening endings...

2009-01-18T22:56:00.003+08:00

Something's come to my attention over the past few days.

I've discovered that I like happy endings. The girl gets the guy or vice versa, big kiss on the lips, everything is tied up nicely with a bow and the world is a happy shiny place in the end kind of happy endings. Don't know why exactly I just do.

Which probably accounts for why I mostly read romance and stories where I'm pretty much assured that the resolution at the end will be a good one. Books where people have to suffer throughout do not appeal at all.

And which probably accounts for why I place feelings on things, people, places, etc. that don't actually belong there.

and I'm sure I'm going to get it...if I wait long enough...

*taps foot*

Okay, this waiting crap is for the birds, looks like I'm going to have to hack it out on my own... :)

circles and squares

2008-12-27T11:27:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I was driving when one of my favorite songs came on. The kind of song with the perfect melody and lyrics that make me swoon and wish for the day that my significant other writes words like that for me. But then I came back to reality and realized that I have never pursued a guy who would ever do that. Then I thought about current and past crushes and how much in common we really had. How necessary is it to enjoy all of the same things? Is a relationship doomed to fail if both people involved don't get excited over the same things?

My answer is no.

I don't want to be with a clone of myself. I want someone who can appreciate my interests and activities and who will participate in them because they like ME. He's going to understand when I want to go stand in line for hours to see my favorite band and how much more it will mean if he offers to stand in line with me.

It is interesting when I apply this to current and past guys I have been interested in. Some have merely been a childish crush, or check box on a list, while others I now realize, would never "get me." I'm multifaceted and have a big interest in so many things, I am not one-dimensional.

To understand passion, you have to have passion... To understand me, and to be with me, you have to "get it." Luckily for me, I think I'm getting better at finding the guys who "get it." :)

snake in disguise

2008-12-17T11:10:00.003+08:00

I have been continuing to read the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in last few days, and some very intense stuff has been happening. Within the last chapter I read, Harry went back to visit the place he was born in hopes of finding a Horcrux (a dark magical device), or a clue to fine one. Instead, he came upon Voldemort’s very own snake disguised as famed historian Bathilda Bagshot. Harry was seeking Bathilda’s advice and willingly followed the imposter into her house, but soon enough the great snake, Nagini, shed her cover and attacked Harry. Luckily enough Harry and his friend Hermione escaped and fled the city.

This chapter kinda opened my eyes (and mind) to the idea of nothing being like what it seems. Who knows which people in power of our society are really wolves in sheep’s clothing. Who knows which friend will turn out to be a traitor? Who knows which heroes are actual villains? And who knows the very person I thought I was in love turned out to be a snake in disguise...

lessons

2008-12-16T14:50:00.001+08:00

If there is one thing I took from my travel overseas, it was the reminder that being single can be fabulous.

(Leave it to me to have to travel thousands of miles across the ocean in order to remember that.)

I had forgotten how nice it was to be carefree.

To meet new and interesting people and to forget about everything that had been tying you down and just let loose.

I had forgotten how nice it was to flirt and be flirted with.To kiss a boy...or two...or three.

To know that someone thinks your sexy.

To know that someone thought so much of you that they had to build up the courage to come talk to you.

I miss my young days...

the bucket list

2008-11-02T15:10:00.004+08:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It has been a long time my friends...for that I apologize. There are stories and explanations lingering in the outskirts but for now, let's just ease into things shall we?

This past year has brought to light the importance of 'living' life....not just living my life day to day. So, I started a Bucket List. I've only ticked off a few things so far but that just means I have lots of adventures ahead. Here's what I've got so far, (the stars are next to things I've completed).

Climb a mountain *
Go kayaking
Go sky diving
See a drive-in movie
bonfire by the beach
Ride a horse along the beach
Sleep under the stars *
Whale watching
Have my palm read *
See the pyramids upclose
Go snorkeling
Swim with dolphins
Ride a bike
Take a gondola ride *
Go on a safari trip
Ride in a helicopter
Learn to play guitar
Hitch a ride on a motorcycle *
Shake hands with someone famous
Stay in the best room of a 5 star hotel
Volunteer in a charity show
Run a marathon

Go on then. What's on YOUR bucket list?

a hint of the future i hope

2008-10-18T11:12:00.003+08:00

I got to hold hands last night. Well, sort of. I love fingers and hands and forearms and holding them and being in possession of them. There is something so amazing about that kind of extremely innocent human contact that feels so good. It's a connection...it's assurance...it's secure. It's not some drunk guy trying to grope you or get their hands somewhere you don't want them. It's welcome and calm and warm. I love how they fit together...hands, that is.

so what...

2008-10-10T11:16:00.006+08:00

I was gonna delete this blog…

filled with stories that i needed to let go...

instead…

I went to gym!

probably had the best workout of my life and I have to thank PINK.

Pink has a new song! this song (and video) is freaking hilarious and has to be the coolest breakup video up to date.

“I'm gonna show your tonight, i'm alrite, i'm just fine”, that’s class.

so... the final verdict is... the blog stays and i may have to mourn a little longer...

bygone...

pear shaped

2008-10-06T13:17:00.000+08:00

Sometimes life has a way of going all pear shaped.

One moment you're skipping along in the sunshine and the next you're floundering in a sea of uncertainty and doubt, desperate to keep your head above water and cursing yourself for having never really learned how to swim.

Each day survived was done with a friend's words in my ear. Every day you go in and you pick a task and give it your full attention. When that one's done, you move on to the next and keep going. Focus on the things you can control. And then at 5 when you walk out that door and into the world that's out of control, just keep reminding yourself to breathe.
So that's what I did.
I remembered to breathe.
In and out.
Out and in.
Counting each labored breath until the world righted itself again.

why!!

2008-10-03T18:47:00.000+08:00

Why is it that men always seem to know how to push my buttons?

Whether it's someone I used to love, someone I still love or someone I like.

All of them seem to have unearthed a rogue copy of "Sri, the Operator's Manual" and committed it to memory.

a long walk

2008-09-04T15:43:00.001+08:00

Until this very moment, I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. I looked at the date of my last post, looked at the calender, looked at my post again. Wow, coupla weeks...

I think somewhere along the way, I just got lost. I stumbled out of the crisp black and whiteness of life and found myself planted face first in a sea of grey.

Now I'm wandering about, try to find the way home.

Wish there was an easier way.

absolutely nothing

2008-07-31T19:58:00.001+08:00

I just sat here for like, 10 minutes trying to think of something to write about and I've got to be honest with you: I've got nothing.

There are no prospects at work.

There are no prospects after work.

There are no males at my gym (Seriously. I know, can you believe it?)

I haven't spoken to nice guy, singapore sweetie, or anyone along that line in awhile so there's nothing exciting there. I - no longer work with the mr married guy and no, we never had happy hour.

I'm not even interacting with male friends enough right now to read into things.

THINGS SERIOUSLY NEED TO BE SHAKEN UP! This is ridiculous.

But I'm glad my gal friends have things going on.

dark day

2008-07-18T14:10:00.002+08:00

You know, I've spent a lot of my life believing in tales of Karma and living by the rule that in being a good person and doing kind things...good fortune would befall me.

These days I'm beginning to wonder if that was nothing more than just a children's tale.

It seems that just when I found my days filled with sunshine and happiness...a hooded figure drew near and stole the sunshine right out of the sky.

Leaving me to stand alone in the dark.

Leaving me unable to find my way.

walking the line

2008-07-11T10:07:00.001+08:00

I'm feeling so lazy today...and tired and unmotivated and slack. Yeah, slack, I think that about sums it up.

I must apologize for being a terrible blogger lately...not writing decent posts, not visiting everyone like I should. I mean well. Promise.

But what is it they say?

...The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

Hmmm. Well, if that's the case, I guarantee that I've paved a good 100 km.

dude... you are so lucky

2008-06-30T16:41:00.002+08:00

My friend Mr. Cool and I hooked up at the theater over the weekend to catch a movie and have dinner. Since I was the first to arrive at the theater, I went ahead and bought the tickets and he offered to buy dinner. While we were at the Chillis in Midvalley everything was going along great until the end of dinner when he pulled out his wallet to pay the bill and he discovered that he was without his credit card or any cash. Instantly his face turned silly and sweat began to appear on his brow as he gave me the sad puppy dog eyes. I shook my head, pulled out my wallet and said, "Dude, you are so lucky that this happened with me and not while you were on a date!" He being the nice guy that he is came by and paid me back the next day, but it started us on this whole conversation of stupid or embarrassing things we had done on first dates.

I've only got few embarrassing stories myself and one of it which from many years ago...but it's a painful one. This guy and I were driving home from dinner when he started telling me about his friend Mr ‘A’. "Yeah, ‘A’ a cool dude… he's from Kelantan..." Me being the nervous moron that I was said, "Oh he's from Kelantan? I love Kelantanese food...." The moment the words came out of my mouth I wanted to grab them and shove them back in. I was completely mortified...especially with the uncomfortable silence that followed. I know he was thinking that I was a complete idiot. That was the longest ride home ever...and no, we never went out again but it's ok, he turned out to be a prick anyway.

life can be so cruel...

2008-06-19T16:55:00.002+08:00

I am currently experiencing a certain 'loathing' for all happy couples. Not to offend those of you who are currently in happy, healthy relationships... just know that if I pass you on the street... I'm sending you evil, telepathic thoughts. If I have to be single and slightly bitter... so should everyone else. *sigh* Okay... so it's not a perfect world and there is no way everyone is going to spontaneously break-up (at least until I finally get a super power).

Last night when i was at the movie, everyone was sitting at their seats waiting for the movie to start and I couldn't help but notice that all of these really young girls with their partners next to them... what were they doing to achieve that kind of status... where are they meeting these guys and why haven't I found one? Not that I need a huge rock or husband at this point, I'd be happy with just getting someone to hold hand to...

parking space stalkers

2008-06-12T16:04:00.004+08:00

Okay what is it with parking space stalkers? You know the kind I'm talking about. The ones that coast behind you when you walk down a parking lot at the malls, so they can see if you have an ideal space for them to steal. For the record, if I realize someone is doing that to me, I purposefully walk past my car or cut across to the next lane. Go stalk someone else because you will NOT get my space.

The worst offenders are the ones that pull up when you're trying to unload your shopping cart and they just sit there, staring at you. I always look at them like, MF, I know you are not sitting there trying to rush ME! Assholes. Now, if someone is immediately getting into their car, sometimes I might slow down but if they've got a cart FULL of groceries...don't stop!!! Go find another space. How rude is that?! Are you so freakin' lazy that you can't stand to walk 5 more feet to the elevator?

When the stalkers do this to me, I have been known to load my bags in the car, return my cart and then walk BACK towards the elevator to the mall. Ahhh yes, I can be a spiteful bitch.

bittersweet...

2008-05-21T16:48:00.001+08:00

I've grown accustomed to the fact that things don't always turn out the way I planned and I've become adept at making quick decisions when the road ahead takes a sharp, unexpected turn.

But even now, equipped as I am with all of my hard learned survival skills... I find myself caught off guard, watching my heart override the emotions I had thought were already in line to handle the situation.

There was a time when I wanted certain others to feel the very hurt and despair that they had gifted upon me. I hoped and prayed for it as my body racked with sobs and my heart nearly ceased its beating.

I wanted the revenge and satisfaction in knowing that they were hurting as much as I had.

But that's not how it has happened.

Instead of vindication, my silly heart filled with care and compassion and I find myself desperately seeking a way to fix the hurt and I don't know why…

ho's before bros?

2008-05-12T21:07:00.003+08:00

I used to think of myself as a diehard girlfriend. Down for any type of adventure and always up for the new and exciting. Especially, when it came to hanging out with my girls. Lately, however, I've been feeling none to friendly and even less inclined to do the new and tingly things with anyone including my girls. While some of my close friends have been out doing things with each other, I've been doing my thing over here, and trying to jumpstart my non-existent social calendar. This did get me to thinking about friendships and girlfriends and boyfriends.

Where does your friend stand while you're getting into a relationship?

There's no pause button on a friendship. And often times you may want to establish yourself in the relationship with your person before introducing them around to friends and sometimes family. Do you need to vett the new entry into your life to make sure they're capable of handling their own? And while I wish this was my problem its not, I don't have a significant other I'm trying to work into my regular life. I just have a lot of questions about what to do when I do.

perspective

2008-04-24T18:08:00.004+08:00

It's amazing how you can waste days, months...even years of your life, living in the past. Stuck on a page...reading the same words over and over...seemingly powerless to take that step...to turn the page to see what happens next.

But at some point you have to take a deep breath and just do it. Quick...like pulling off a band-aid. And once that initial shock wears off....you realize that there are pages and pages of this book left to read and you were only on the first chapter.

Currently I don't have guts to pull my band-aid. I hope there will be someone with me to hold my hand and say, "It's gonna be ok." Someone who can make me understand that there will never be anything in that first chapter worth missing out on. It was just setting the stage for an even better ending...

langkawi

2008-04-18T11:50:00.012+08:00

There is something great about spending a holiday... just girls and relaxing on the beach...

First of all, the weather was GORGEOUS, we couldn't have asked for better.

We ate, drank, witnessed animal sex and talked boys.

I'd love to tell you more...but like they say, what happens at the beach, stays at the beach.

the request

2008-04-16T12:13:00.002+08:00

Dear Universal Powers That Be,

I've come to accept that you are incapable of minding your own business when it comes to my personal life. If you insist on sticking your nose where it doesn't belong, I ask that you at least use the following as a guideline for your misguided (though well intentioned) hints and nudges.

Before you drop anymore eligible men on my doorstep, it would be wise for you to update your screening process and refrain from sending me anymore...: married men, gay men, men old enough to be my father, assholes or losers.

The preferred qualities a man must posses (aside from actually being straight and single) are: intelligence, kindness, thoughtfulness, humor and a fondness for children (though not in a perverse way.)

Finally, if it is within your power, someone who is masculine and yet a gentleman would be nice. I think deep down we all want someone who will make us feel protected and treated like a lady.

Thank you for your good intentions.

sri

P.S. Broad shoulders and strong hands are a plus!

at a loss of topics...

2008-04-10T16:09:00.001+08:00

I just sat here for at least 10 minutes trying to think of a topic to expound upon.

I was unsuccessful.

I'm distracted and can't remember the past and am keeping quiet on the present. I suppose that leaves the future but that's even more amiguous...

the light-switch

2008-03-24T17:32:00.003+08:00

Men claim to be simple creatures.

I believe this to be highly suspect.

I have found that they are just as confusing and complex as any woman...sometimes even more so.

For instance...men are masters of the 'Light-switch.' A dark and evil trait which I have yet to fully understand but have nonetheless fallen victim to. It is the uncanny ability to change behavior or turn feelings on and off at the flick of a switch without ever batting an eye.

One day they want to marry you, the next day they deliver the most insulting and painful blow...you cease to exist.

It's as if they permanently erased you from their memories...while you are left wondering how it is that you are so easily forgettable.

I'm telling you people.... it's c-o-m-p-l-i-c-a-t-e-d.

finally...

2008-03-18T15:08:00.004+08:00

i've been a fan of Fergie since she came out with her solo album 'the dutchess'. last night her new single from the same album 'finally...' played on the radio while i was on my way home after a long day at work... i started crying... it was the first time really that cried for joy... from a song. today, i am listening to it over and over again and it gives shivers everytime i hear it...

Ever since I was a baby girl I had a dream
Cinderella theme
Crazy as it seems
Always knew that deep inside that there would come that day
That I would have to wait
Make so many mistakes I couldn't comprehend
As I watched it unfold
This classic story told I left it in the cold
Walking through an open door that led me back to you
Each one unlocking more of the truth

I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally got lost inside of you
I finally know I needed to grow
And finally my mate has met my soul

i'm inked! are u?

2008-03-14T09:12:00.012+08:00

The consequences of break-ups are not necessarily ugly all the time… mine is kinda pretty actually…:) that’s right… I’m inked! And it came out better than I imagined…:)

Last coupla years have been fabulous years – things have changed, I have changed - for better, not so much worse. I’ve met so many wonderful people, some who have changed the way I look at life.

And if you wonder why ladybug… well, most people say ladybug is a clichéd design. But when I read about them, it occurred to me how beautifully perfect it was for me, right now, at this moment. The more you learn about this small but powerful creature, the more you understand that it is not merely a testimony to beauty, but also strength and most importantly, change.

and here is a little story i found in the net bout these pretty little things...

In Europe, during the middle ages, insects were destroying the crops, so the Catholic farmers prayed to the virgin mary for help. Soon the ladybugs came, ate the plant-destroying pests and saved the crops! The farmers began calling the ladybugs “the beetles of our lady”, and they eventually became known as ‘lady beetles’! their red wings represents virgin mary’s clock and the black spots represents her joys and sorrows.

As for me... forever, i shall look over my left shoulder and remember...

like graffiti... i've been tagged

2008-03-12T12:37:00.004+08:00

I was tagged by Anna who wants to know weird/interesting/odd/random facts about me so here goes! and anna, instead of 8... only 3 things k...

three things i love
1) my freedom
2) my car
3) ...stil thinking

three things i want to do before i die
1) live in europe
2) have kids
3) write a screenplay

three things i miss right now...
1) my doggies duchess & snowy
2) my ex - conservative cum useless fella
3) sohrab

three guilty pleasures
1) things that i fried
2) secret recipe chocolate brownie with ice-cream
3) cheese

three [innocent] crushes
1) one of my gym member
2) a friend i haven't seen in years
3) george clooney

three people who make me laugh
1) jane
2) mr nice Guy
3) my bro

three people who make/made me feel like everything will turn out ok in the end
1) my dad
2) merlina
3) mr nice guy

three things i'd like to learn
1) how to cook fish
2) how to make money by being cool
3) how to let go

three songs i could listen to over and over again
1) rascal flatt - what hurts the most
2) five for fighting - it's not easy
3) nickelback - photograph

three jobs i'd love to try out
1) photographer
2) actress
3) ... still thinking

useless... crushes

2008-03-06T21:06:00.002+08:00

One thing March has made clear is that I am utterly useless during this coupla months. I haul my butt out of bed very reluctantly every morning and sit in front of my computer (both at home and office) dreaming of more creative pursuits. Some days I'll daydream of the possibility of frolicking with cute men and other days I'm thinking of lying in the sun by a large body of water. So, next month I'm going to feed the demon and head down to Langkawi Beach for coupla days of Sun Sand & Sea...waves...cute guys. Sounds like a nice way to waste time.

Just thoughts....

At the risk of sounding conceited, have you ever wondered who has a crush on you? Do you ever wonder if there is someone out there, possibly someone you have never met, who has intense feelings about you? Or even a friend, maybe a close friend, who longs to have something more with you but you have no idea!

Think about it: How many people have you lusted after or been "in like with" and you never told them. Maybe you never even spoke with them but always had a desire to.

Examples:

I had the biggest crush EVER on Mr russell crowe look alike from my senior year at secondary school. I went to the library he stationed during recess at way too often and stalked him quite frequently too. I was convinced he was God's gift until one day I heard him talk and all feelings I had for him were lost. The magic was gone. The point is, he never knew I was in like with him.

I've had countless crushes on friends...sometimes they had to have known but others probably didn't have the foggiest idea. So some of my friends must have developed feelings for me, right? A few told me after the fact and it was so weird to think back to their behavior or the different things we did together.

It just makes me wonder...is there someone out there, right now, thinking about me all the time. Trying to coincide daily tasks so they see me??

These type of things can't be one-sided. I know I'm not the only one.

learning to be alone...

2008-02-28T18:38:00.002+08:00

Well Mr Conservative made an official announcement on his other woman and his so called wedding plans… Woopdefrickin do...

So, nowadays I spent my time while he is on a date with THE other woman, on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor, and the two bathroom floors and then wiping down and reorganizing the book shelves, counter tops and then taking countless showers and moping the floor and … running out my apartment to the most furtherest mall to get my groceries... bla bla bla - so here's my dilemma... I've forgotten how to be alone. I’ve forgotten how to let go…

its not that we were together most of the time – but I always knew he was there… in my mind - all the time. Now, I'm totally totally incapable of being alone... that thoughts… he, not being there is killing me. The worse part is he is there… with another woman.

I read somewhere that the worst thing could ever happen to a person is - knowing someone they love… is in love with another person… I don’t know, life is unfair most of the time *correction all the time.

i wish i may, i wish i might, have the wish i wished tonight

2008-02-14T11:58:00.002+08:00

I had planned to boycott today.

I had planned to hide.

Instead, I closed my eyes and made a wish - upon a star.

Here is to wishing that I find passion. Passion in a kind, caring romantic man.

Here is to wishing for strong arms wrapped around me, secret smiles shared across a crowded room and quiet nights snuggled beneath a blanket.

Here is to wishing for "I Love You's" whispered in my ear, an arm around my waist and finger tips brushing against my cheek.

Here is to wishing that I had a Valentine...

haunted

2008-02-07T22:06:00.000+08:00

Some people are haunted by ghosts.

I am haunted by words. Words from my past. Words from my present.

Words that won't go away.

"I think it's about that time. I may regret this tomorrow...but right now, I'm just not happy." "I'm not sure why I've said those things." "I love you more than you'll ever know. I just wish I had told you sooner." "At this age, it's important that you learn self control."

I don't know what it is about the last few of days but there they are...running through my head on repeat. Different voices, different memories...stealing any moments of silence that I have.

Here's to hoping they'll get bored and wander away...

and how would you like yours prepared sir?

2008-01-27T18:14:00.000+08:00

I hate dealing with the craziness of shopping on weekend especially early of the month...the lines, the people. I get annoyed! However, to pass the time I found myself observing all the different types of people that were forcing themselves in front of me, shoving me from behind and running into my trolley. There was a never ending of size, shapes and colors... some lovely... some grumpy and all sorta moods.

I know this a totally individual taste sort of thing but I was curious as to what type of women most men seemed physically attracted to. For instance... do you go for the voluptuous curves of someone like Jennifer Hudson or Queen Latifah? Or do you prefer your women to be cute and petite like Eva Longoria (from Desperate Housewives)? If I had to choose, I would prefer curvy to skinny... primarily because I am curvy (& chubby). I once had a guy friend tell me that the difference between my being chubby and the other girls being teenie tiny was the difference between being a 'woman' and being a 'girl.' I kissed him!

Where men are concerned... I really don't care for thin men except I prefer My man NOT be any shorter than me or really really skinny. Now, don't think I'm being choosey and I'm not saying that I want my men to be extra tall or really big, but I do like them to have a size meat on their bones... tall are nice too. Naturally I like to cuddle my man and I want to feel that secure feeling thingy when I’m cuddling him – it’s like I want something to hold on to.

2008-01-17T20:58:00.000+08:00

Do I feel like writing?

No, not particularly. But at the urge to keep the blog alive....I'm here.

A little dazed and out of focus...but here nonetheless.

I guess no one ever said that life was going to be easy but what they failed to mention was that it was going to be filled with bumps and bruises, stubbed toes, paper cuts, headaches, sleepless-nights, curse words and water retention.

Not to mention worthless ex-boyfriends, former friends, clinically insane housemates, and demonically possessed co-workers. I guess it's just one of those minor details that parents forget to let us in on. Advice that should have been sandwiched in sometime between the "adult talk" and the "proper use of credit cards.”

sleep face

2008-01-09T19:01:00.001+08:00

I can't breathe. No, really. If I ever get kidnapped and they put tape over my mouth, I am going to pass out and/or die. Also, as a result, I sometimes snore, too. I like to think it's endearing, but to a light sleeper, it might not be. In addition to that, I do not have one of those pleasant 'sleep faces' as I call them. Some people, when they sleep, look just like they do when awake. They look peaceful, and calm, and not weird at all. I, on the other hand, feel like I look like...well, let's not get descriptive.

Usually when I sleep in the midst of another person, I sleep very lightly so as not to fall into this unattractive* state I have. Sometimes, though, a girl is tired and light sleeping is just not an option. I know my Sleep Face is not going to be a deal breaker or anything, but at some point, I'm going to fall asleep first, and on my back or something, and then all bets will be off. Like I said, I hope it's endearing.

ZZZZZZZZZZZ

P.S. And just to clarify, I don't look like monster after a long night or anything. Heavens no! I just look like I'm sleeping.

P.P.S. I can only speak for myself, but I'm probably not going to talk through differences on this blog. If they were blog related, then maybe, but there's really no point on so many levels.

*Relatively unattractive. I could never really be so;)

she is still alive

2007-12-31T14:30:00.001+08:00

Call off the search! Bring the hounds back!!

We found her!

Yes folks… I am alive and mostly sane… I think… that’s what the voices in my head been saying anyways. I’ve just been a busy bee with (u know) things.

Let’s talk bout this year – the year has been a whirlwind.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost. And I’ve learned to let go.

But most importantly, I’m looking forward to the New Year and all of the grand things it holds for me.

I suppose I should also confess that I’ve got a little secret. But for right now it’s cradles in my hand, next to my heart for protection - when the time is right I will tell you about it, and no worries, I won keep you waiting too long.

As for my blog, for over a year I have poured my heart and soul into this blog. I have shared my happiest moments and the moments I was at an absolute low. This ‘impetuosity of sri’ has been my ‘safe place’. A place where I knew I could be honest about what I was feeling and not fear judgment or persecution. Thank yo’ll for listening to me.

Have a super fantastic New Years!!!

an "I need a HUG" day

2007-12-19T16:44:00.000+08:00

It can be difficult when, after getting used to physical contact, you go a day without any. And I'm just talking hugs here. I could have used one today. My day just went on too long and began in a hurry that set me on edge for the rest of the day.

fallin...

2007-12-19T10:29:00.000+08:00

Alicia Keys said it best when she sang, "I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you." But have you ever wondered why they call it 'falling' in love when it can make you feel so high? Perhaps it's that feeling of inevitability that you are being sucked deep down into that person. Or maybe it's that feeling that you've just stepped off a cliff.

And I started pondering about this song after having a drink last night…

I keep on fallin in love with you
Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Loving you darling
Makes me so confused

I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure and cause me so much pain
Just when I think I've taken more than would a fool I start fallin back in love with you

I keep on fallin in and out of love with you
I never loved someone way that I loved you...

Maybe that’s how I feel nowadays and I seriously don’t know how to deal with this feeling.

breaking the habit

2007-12-07T15:09:00.000+08:00

So I was thinking…that dieting and eating right are so easy in theory…so why is it so hard?

It’s kind of like quitting smoking, only not because you can’t REALLY ever quit eating. Smoking is an example of something that is bad for you, and you know it is…but eating, that’s something you have to do, but it can turn into the enemy.

Everybody knows what to do to lose weight. Eat less overall calories, eat more fruits and vegetables, fill up on “good” foods and proteins, maybe even cut carbs or start eating whole wheat carbs. Sleep more, drink more water, try to do cardio for at least 30 minutes 3 days a week, avoid processed foods…the list goes on. But you know what, it’s hard. Anybody who says dieting and losing weight is easy is wrong. Mostly because in the end, you have to find out what works for you. Atkins may be amazing for you, or you could not be able to give up carbs. Weight Watchers could be wonderful, but you don’t have time to count points and plan meals. Jenny Craig can be great, but you don’t have the money (or time) to purchase the meals to stay on it. It’s a personal decision, and what may have worked for one person may not for another. And honestly, it’s a full time JOB to do it right. I don’t have time, energy or money to sit and plan out my meals, grocery shop, and make healthy food all the time. The best I can do is eating the kinda food ‘less fattening’ and hope for the best. It’s hard to be at work and not grab lunch with coworkers. And it’s hard to know what your schedule is going to be like and if you’ll have time to come home and make something good for you.

The funny thing is, that even when people lose weight, it doesn’t completely change who they are. Sure, they may become more confident, more aggressive, more desirable…but it’s not a cure-all. Just the same as gaining weight doesn’t totally change a person. If you lose or gain weight, it doesn’t mean that your debt will go away, that your relationships will be any better or worse, or that your career will be any different. It all comes down to how you feel inside, and how you present yourself. I admit, that slimmer, more attractive (and taller) people are scientifically shown to get more of a “break” in the professional world…but that doesn’t mean that the more average or overweight people are living unsatisfactory and unfulfilling lives. I know just as many unhappy, single, boring skinny people as I know amazing, married and exciting people who don’t have “perfect” bodies. It’s not a black and white issue.

I mean, in the end, it’s horrible that I spend so much of my time, energy and conversation thinking about and talking about this. If the biggest problem I have in my life is struggling with my weight (which has only been for last ten years), then I’m pretty lucky. Overall I’m a happy person and I enjoy my life, so maybe that’s why it’s harder for me to obsess and restrict myself, I enjoy good food and I enjoy social interaction (that usually involves food to me). Being somewhat overweight doesn’t make or break me as a person. And you know, if I died tomorrow, I doubt anybody would be like, “it’s too bad she never lost that weight” or “so sad she never got skinny and hot like she wanted.” So, why do I worry about it so much?

into the night...

2007-12-01T11:48:00.000+08:00

One of my favorite songs by Santana since ‘why don't you & i’, (which is still my favorite) but man oh man Chad Kroeger and Santana when work together, magic happens!! And just when you thought you had seen the last best of…

The first time I heard the opening track “Into the Night”, I stumped, as to who it was? Once Santana’s guitar solo came in, though, I knew right away. Chad wrote the song himself, he never shields from affairs of the heart, and I would call this is his most romantic lyrical endeavor yet.

Like a gift from the heavens
It was easy to tell
It was love from above
That could save me from hell
She had fire in her soul
It was easy to see
How the devil himself
Could be pulled out of me
There were drums in the air
As she started to dance
Every soul in the room
Keeping time with their hands

Coupled with his raspy voice, it makes for an intriguing contrast of a cool rocker singing a valentine about love at first sight. Chad is not the biggest rock guy, but I love anything Chad Kroeger does either with Nickelback or Santana. His voice sends chills up my spine! And as for Santana, you know why he doesn’t sing at all? Cuz he doesn’t have to… His guitar does it for him.

what if...?

2007-11-27T21:22:00.000+08:00

So often I hear the following phrase, "But I don't want to mess up our friendship." and for a long time I was not only someone uttering those same words but I was a firm believer that friendships should be taken care of. But earlier today, it occured to me: Why be miserable maintaining a friendship when there could be so much more? Why live with the words "What if...?"

What if we date and can't get back to being friends?

Well, maybe if a friendship can't withstand a try at love it wasn't the most stable friendship to begin with. But what if...you never tried and you are only friends with Mr/Mrs. Right for the rest of your life?

I'm not even going to try to say I've met someone whom I would consider "Mr. Right" but, I know the frustration and at times, heartache of having an intense desire to know if there could be something more with a friend. They are feelings that have waned over the years so that now I know things worked out how they should have with those people. As I face these same situations at this point in my life, I definitely have a different outlook.

I have not come to a conclusion about potentially ending a friendship for a try at love. This just a theory, but i am also torn over the following questions :

Which is worse...only being friends with someone who might be your "soul mate" (a future blog topic, yes) or losing a friend in a quest of find that "what if"?

at a loss for words

2007-11-23T10:01:00.000+08:00

Ok, I’m gonna come straight to the point at today’s post.

So, we all know how boys and their...uhm...well, their 'part' comes in different sizes right? Well, completely unbeknownst to me... so do women!!

Apparently one hooha is not the same as the next!! I am aghast (new word I’ve picked up lately) people!

So, now I've got all these questions... is one size better than the other? Do men have a preference? Does it play a factor in their (u know) sexual satisfaction?

Worst of all, how do you know if you have a right hooha or not? Now I'm all paranoid... worried that I could be walking around with an abnormal hooha. :o(

relationship junkyard

2007-11-18T22:57:00.000+08:00

Pat Benetar the 80's rock singer so eloquently once stated, "Love is a battlefield."

That being the case, what happens to the relationship wreckage? Where does all the love you had for that person go and what happens to the broken hearts? I know that there are still a few out there ticking away, precariously held together with bits of tape and glue but what about the ones that are broken beyond repair?

Could it be that all of our old feelings and broken bits are taken to a relationship junkyard...sorted out to see what can be used for parts and what gets thrown into the scrap heap?

I'd like to think that someone would wander in and stumble across my little, wounded heart and say, "I can't believe someone would have thrown this away. All it needs is a little work and it'll be like new again."

i said no...

2007-11-15T12:23:00.000+08:00

to having kids, right now and probably ever, and I don't feel bad about it.

*stands on large soapbox*

Now hear this! I don't particularly like children. They're cute when they smile, and they smell like baby powder and holding one for a few minutes is fine, but beyond that...I don't like the little buggers.

*and half of the readers of this blog go running into the dark, screaming words like 'childhater' and 'selfish'*

I remember fondly having the same dream that I imagine lots of other girls who are between the ages of 13 and 18 have about getting married and raising a pack of children. Then reality in the form of high school, college and the real world slapped me around and made me realize that I don't usually want to take care of me let alone some tiny person. And some incident that happened in Bangsar yesterday showed me that I'm not alone. Not that I thought I was, but its not something that people talk about.

I mean you don't see that lone female, guy or couple of a certain age, who are without the typical accoutrements of parenthood (pacifier, bottle, baby wipes, kiddie leash, etc.) and walk up to them and say casually, "no kids... good on you mate!" Its just not done. However, I did have a lady in the elevator walk up to me "if you have kids," to which I responded without a beat, "Oh I don't like children." She was shocked, I wasn't. She quickly recovered with a refreshing, "I've never heard someone actually say that before." And surprisingly enough she wasn't offended at all. More like she was shocked to actually hear someone say it out loud.

I'll be up front about it, I'm selfish. I like my things the way they are, I like my body (sometimes) the way it is, I like having really cool glassware and going on trips (if I can afford them), and drinking a lot (if I want) and not having to worry about if some other soccer mom sees me, or if my kid's teacher sees me doing something else that isn't part of the parent approved behavior. I like being independent.

Having kids, while it brings a certain joy into the lives of some or many, doesn't do the same for me. It holds none of the happy, shiny thoughts it did when I was younger. In fact it has the opposite effect. I've got little ones at my godparents. I haven't seen them in some time and while I take no pride in that, because I do have a heart (somewhere under this thick skin and through the barbed wire), I don't like being made to feel guilty by a society obsessed with procreation and everyone wanting, nay needing to have kids.

Instead, I'm perfectly happy to see my friends with kids, remark on how cute they are (or not remark at all if I don't think they're Gerber material), and move on. In ten years when I'm still childless and jetting off to Fiji or struggling to get pregnant I'll look back on this and either laugh at the irony of the situation or take another sip of my champagne in first class and wonder if I can fit a massage in when I touch down.

it's my birthday... and i'll cry if i want to...

2007-11-02T23:45:00.000+08:00

Two nights ago (Halloween), was my birthday. Yes, I was born on Halloween. No, I do not do Halloweeny things though it is an awesome, evil, carnivalesque pagan holiday which means on this day I get two bites at the apple.

This year I’d decided to celebrate at Langkawi (on my own). It was very awesome, especially because I never had such a birthday. To look at my past, I never celebrated my birthday till I reach my twenties and started to live on my own. My family members are not so big on birthdays, and mine was a definitely no-fun kinda family. So, now I celebrate birthday unabashedly. It’s nice, if age-affirming.

In actuality I’m not quite so ‘young’ anymore though –used to be precociously young for everything – now I’m just at that right age, or even older than the average. It is all very strange. In many ways though, this is an era for me: I have entered my “thirties” – and the twenties are thankfully past…J I’m entering that stage of life in which I should be pretty well on my way towards all the scary things that comes with adulthood; a career, someplace to eventually settle down, someone to settle down with, a mortgage to pay, a household to build.

However I have to admit to the fact that, the excitement of being in my thirties kinda muted this year. I guess I just figured that my life would be a smidgen different by now. I thought I would have accomplished more. I have expected to have the big steady job, the great steady boyfriend, and you know, an entire complete life. But I guess that’s not realistic. I mean, I’m still pretty young for all that, right? I don’t’ have a swanky crazy-go-nuts paying job, but I’m working towards getting my dream job by doing little bit of homework here and there. I don’t have some steamy boyfriend, but I’m putting myself out there to find one. That’s what counts, right? The bottom line is, I’m not at my dreams yet, but I’m on the right path.

And for now, I’m happy to be who I am – a single girl who lives a fabulous life learning interesting things and new methodologies; just starting to write my thoughts and finding them surprisingly well-received; still having enough free time to figuring things out and still having what kids these days call “fun”.

So to celebrate my birthdayness – I’m going to give you guys a look at beautiful langkawi…

amendments

2007-10-12T14:55:00.000+08:00

On the heels of writing a post about being single and fabulous, I feel duty bound to make an amendment here.

While I love the freedom and spontaneity of the single life (as do many of you), deep down I think there will be a point in many of our lives when we will still want someone to share the (fabulousness that is 'us') with. Some are open about this desire... while others treat it like a dirty magazine they don't want their parents to find. They hide it in the back of the closet, tucking it under boxes and behind old clothes, all the while hoping that it never finds the light of day.

I guess some of us were absent that day in school when we were all taught that life isn't always fair, because just when you think you've successfully beaten back the desire for a relationship... there it is, tugging at your sleeve like an impatient child.

While I have no problem whittling away the hours flirting and enjoying the perks of being single... the reality is... I just don't want to be single forever.

My heart longs for someone whose lips know just where to caress the slope of my neck... whose hand fits the curve of my waist...whose heart beats in time with mine.

first kiss

2007-10-10T13:27:00.000+08:00

For most people, I think that first kiss is something that's looked forward to with great enthusiasm and anticipation.

I am not most people.

For me, the impending act was more terrifying than the prospect of being caught red-handed in the supply room while you are canoodling with a co-worker.

Maybe it wouldn't have been as scary if I had done more in the way of preparation, like practicing on my hand or something like that. As it was, my only lessons came from watching TV. I'd scrutinize every kissing scene on tv, carefully constructing a mental check list. Okay, you tilt your head like this and close your eyes when he does this...wait, is he supposed to swallow your face like that?

When the big moment came, I was so nervous that I was literally sick to my stomach. We were sitting on his big bike and I had just applied hmmmmmm... lets see, a coat of nothing on my lips when Mr RXZ leaned over and asked if he could kiss me. Being the innocent girl that I was, I preferred the tube which he promptly ignored as he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine.

My first thought was "It's happening, it's really happening!!!".... Oh nooooo! someone help me!

My second thoughts were, "Oh god, what am I supposed to do?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??!!!!"

All that careful note taking had flown right out the window and I was left in a panicked state. "Do I try to match up my bottom lip with his top lip? Oh no, he's pressed up against my nose...I can't breathe, I'm going to die! Wait! What was that? Was that his tongue? Ewwwwww!!! That is absolutely disgusting! Is he even allowed to do that? I am NOT sticking my tongue in his mouth! He can forget that right now."

Well, I am pleased to say that fortunately, like a fine wine... kissing has greatly improved with age.

bright lights, big mouth

2007-10-08T14:42:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you feel as if you are walking down a catwalk, bright lights shining in your face, loud music thundering in your ears, flash bulbs erupting like tiny bolts of lightening...and all the while the room is filled with hundreds of non-singles...watching you...looking for flaws, for weaknesses, just waiting for you to trip and fall.

Well, one of those critical faces confronted me directly this week. A co-worker felt the need to inquire as to why, at my thirties, I wasn't married yet (she after all had gotten married when she was 20. She and I are the same age yet she has been married for more than 10 years and has 2 children, whereas I live alone and don't have so much as a parakeet.)

I gritted my teeth and gave the now robotic response, "I just haven't found the right guy yet." And do you KNOW what she said to me?"

You know, you should really think of trying one of those Match.com dating things... that's what I would do if I were in your situation. I mean, because really... you're not going to be able to have kids after too much longer you know."

A few moments of silence followed and instead of punching her between the eyes as was my initial reaction to handling the situation, I took another route. Instead, I calmly picked my jaw up off the floor, closed my eyes and strutted down my catwalk... hips swaying... lights flashing... letting the pounding music drown out the nay-sayers.

My runway, my life.

Let them ogle me...because the plain fact of the matter is, while I'm strutting ahead in life... they're stuck to their seats.

beyonce boleh malaysia!

2007-10-03T15:04:00.000+08:00

This isn't a political blog, but I feel the need to point out the fact that I am a liberal woman and I totally totally agree with this statement by another blogger Unspun ...

Beyonce Boleh Malaysia!!!

It’s good to see people standing up for what they believe in. So I was real glad to see that the bootylicious singer Beyonce has cancelled her Malaysian show after the authorities there had ordered her to cover up and wear “conservative clothing”. Fuck that for a laugh. Bloody Nazis. As if a woman in the 21st century can’t wear what she wants! And anyway, what’s the point of going to a Beyonce concert in the first place if you can’t see her perform her outrageous onstage antics? What are the Malaysians actually thinking? That people would go along merely to hear her sing? Hahaha! But Malaysia’s loss is Indonesia’s gain. Cos to make up for the Malaysian show Beyonce’s announced she’ll do a show in Jakarta on 1 November instead! Bootylicious!! Long live Beyonce!!!!!

(read REUTERS news in New York Times)