i'm back... after a breakdown!

Here I am getting ready to go home from work and getting back into the swing of things! It has been a busy day and I am lagging further behind than I like but at least I'm moving. What I would like to share is, I had a wonderful time during the weekend. It was suppose to be the Thanks Giving weekend at some part of the world - its not that I get to celebrate the holiday here but still… thanks giving is one of my most favourite holiday - it’s really awesome). Anyway, on Saturday I went to see my godfather, had long chat with him! And I had forgotten how cool it to be talking to him especially when he’s sober :) and of course some outing with my friend as usual. And then, on Sunday morning after a long needed nap, we all went for lunch... which prolonged till supper :)

The thing nowadays is, maybe age affirming, but I often get stressed out, and sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me. There, I said I! We all have a “thing” right… and “freakingout” is my thing. My mom tells me constantly that I need to learn to face my problems instead of kicking out or trying to run away. But what if I am my own number one problem? How do you run away from yourself?

What worst is lately I’ve felt myself losing the grip. I’ve got a lot going on, but don’t we all? I used to curb my shitty days with food, shopping, vodka or just by taking long drive in my car. But whatever I do is no longer the outlet for my stress and I’m not sure what to do sometime. I can’t eat my way through it... I can’t indulge in retail therapy (I’m kinda broke nowadays to be honest) and my first impulse is to “get away” but I suppose that is my old escapist mentality talking.

So... what I've just did is renewed my gym membership at True Fitness (yes, they are still cut-throat) but I remember I used to enjoy my weekend workouts. Exercising used to help relieve my anxiety a lot and I was probably one of those rare people who likes to workout and still eat like a pig everyday… hehe. So, this is it… I’m going back to Gym!

Wish me luck!

is this normal...

I barely left bed in last few days… feel like I’ve lost most of my abilities! Didn’t eat or wash for two days… Is this normal! I do wanna get back to work tomorrow… I do wanna feel normal, but I don’t know how. The best way I can explain how i feel is: imagine someone has had a stroke and has to learn to walk and talk again… that’s how I feel mentally, as if I’ve just lost my ability to do anything.

someday i'll learn...

I had the brilliant idea to go ice skating. Me...a klutz. A girl with no coordination... A girl that runs into walls. A girl who, (completely sober) would still fail a field test of walking a straight line.

Yes, that girl (me) strapped on a pair of rental skates, threw caution to the wind and eased my way onto the ice.

It took about 2.2 seconds to realize that I had lost my mind.

I was happened to be at Sunway Pyramid on Saturday morning… ok, it was not a co-incident. I had to be there to support my so called bowling team from office… anyway, since the game didn’t turn out as I expected, I left early. Then I remembered the ice skating!

Since there was no elegant gliding, no effortless maneuvering or fancy footwork… No no...those things were replaced with cursing, stumbling, and more cursing. I resorted to clinging to the edge of the rink as if it were my life preserver, maintaining a death grip while cautiously scooting my way around the arena. Moments of panic came at points when other skaters were resting against the edge of the rink, directly ahead of me. Forcing me to let go of safety, say a quick prayer and try to glide past them to the other side.

Most of my efforts were successful. One was not. I was faintly aware of everything moving in slow motion. I felt my foot catch and my body loses balance. I remember thinking, "Oh Damn! No! No no no no no!!! Please no! Everyone's watching!" Then everything went white. Followed by the oddest sensation of feeling that while my butt was terribly cold...my face was burning with fire.

All in all it was good fun, though it's not something I'm in a terrible hurry to try again.

so... it was my birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday!!! I think I handled it pretty well. Thank goodness I have a lot friends and family members to celebrate' it with me!!

We had a really fun day. It started out with midnight wish calls, first one is from 3 years old Teerthan, my darling from Klang.

And, I got to eat out lots this week for my birthday, which is one of my favorite things to do!!! And, I received lots of fun presents. The best being from my friend, she gave me a Charles & Keith purse!!! I LOVE purses so much and have wanted one for a long time now.

I was with group of people who means a lot to me for the whole day, we spent the day driving around, Klang, Banting & Morib. It was such a beautiful day out.

Later in the evening I had fun dinner & chat session at bangsar Chillis with Anu!

Though i was bit disappointed as i didn't hear from that one person that i was expecting to hear from... perhaps he didn't know! But It was still a super fun birthday!!

Thank you to all of you for the birthday wishes throughout the day!!

how do you know if a guy is just admiring you...

How do you know when a guy is just admiring you from afar or is actually interested in you? I'm not conceited or anything but I find some guys... ok... one guy looks at me a lot but never approach me. Well, at least not in that way...

so, I am a bit wary now of forming crushes on guys who do this because they either turn out to be married or already have a girlfriend. Guys only seem to flirt with me when it’s "safe" to do so, i.e they know they’re not going to take it any further.

Sometime I wonder why they don’t even see me as a person!!?

May be that’ s the reason why I’m so guarded nowadays and I’m wary of flirting because I know how easy it is now to lead someone on and I don’t want to look like a fool.

re-run

I wanted to get a different post up...but...I'm drawing a blank. So, I made the decision to republish and old entry. There are only a handful of you who read this the first time around so it's like brand new to everyone else. Score!

I'm fat. For those of you who know me, you're probably thinking 'duh' right now. I'm aware of this...a lot of the time I'm acutely aware of this. The thing is that sometimes (for brief periods of time) I forget. Then I see pictures...or video and become aware that, not only am I fat, I'm much fatter than I thought. The evolved side of me realizes that I should have the " and?" mentality. Who the hell who should care that I'm fat any more than they care that I have beautiful long hair? Yes, there are the health reasons, I have this thing called PCOS syndrome. but let's face it, very few people give a shit enough to think about that when they're looking at you. The evolved side of me watched the F.A.T. pageant the other night at Channel V and was proud of these girls (versus the other part of me who was thinking the smaller chicks were definitely more attractive). The un-evolved, self-conscious part of me is uncomfortable in my body, worries whether I would be able to be hired for the job I want, wonders how I'll ever attract a man. I write all of this because I'm tired of bowing to the evolved side...tired of letting my weak nature and busy schedule win. I want to eat better, exercise more, and not feel like cringing as I see a picture of me.

pluck musical arson

Sometime you just need a fun and comical musical to take you away and that is exactly what I found at PJ Live Arts Ctr last night, PLUCK Musical Arson. The trio bills themselves as “the world’s funniest string trio,” brought along their comedy, classics and… well, indigenous argument – from UK.

You should watch…

PS – Thanks Anu, for the free ticket - it's always good to have friends in the newspaper business :)

i need a hug... part 2

The alarm clock goes off every morning at 7am. It’s the same routine, climb out of bed, shower, get dressed and battle the traffic to get to work. I used to have good and bad days at work, but now everyday is a bad day. Could this be a sign... I’m in the wrong career?

This morning started out really iffy. I literally cried the whole morning and to my annoyance I have no privacy even to cry in this office – I had to hide my sorrows all the way. What a life…

Anyway, I’m looking forward to go out with Anu later. Should be fun to get out for a bit.

i need a hug...

Bad days... we all have them and they downright suck!

Today, I'm having a bad day at work!

Everything about today was royally sucked and I feel like I am being torn to go in 18 million directions.

Really, all I want to do is just go home, lock myself in the washroom and cry.

But I am not going to. I just keep reminding myself that tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a new day. Today - I just need to keep wading my fat arse though this pile of shit life has presented me. Seriously, what do i have to do to get little attention around here???

So, here's the plan for tonight, after this piece of shitty day is over, I am heading to Chillis to inhale the smell of margaritas, then I have to solve some personal issues and then go to sleep and never think about this day again.

Boooo to bad days I say! BOOOO!

after...

I let the tears seep into the ground beneath me.

I let the tension crawl out of my body and slink off into the darkness.

On the cold, stone floor of what had come to feel like my prison...I succombed to the exhaustion enveloping me.

My aching body...weak and motionless until a feeling of warmth persuaded it to stir.

Eyes still heavy with sleep, I raised my head to find sunlight settling over me like a warm blanket...gently brushing my hair back from my tear stained face and murmuring, "Sleep darling, sleep."

kryptonite

Men have powers.

Not the flying kind.

Instead they seem to wield another power...one that influences feelings of great happiness, despair and anger.

They can leave you stewing...frustrated and boiling with so much anger that you want to thump them in the eye.

Then just as quickly there are murmured, "I miss yous" and suddenly you find the anger slipping away.

Blurring the line between Nemesis and Hero...

sirilah raman...

TGIF

Thank god it's friday! I'm tired, my head is hurting and I'm soooo ready for the weekend. However, I’m stuck in the office doing some crappy stuff (they call it DR)… Right now my brain is having a hard time working properly so I decided to write something that is fun and will make me happy thinking about it for the rest of the evening. I decided to list the guys that would be my "free pass" if given the chance.

1. Orlando Bloom-as Legolas, not as the wuss he played in Troy.
2. Colin Farrell-my friend refers to him as a walking petri dish but I don't care, he seems like he'd be good for dirty dirty sex. Bring it on.
3. David Beckham-Did you see his cover of Vanity Fair...enough said.
4. Brad Pitt-Pre Angelina Jolie
5. Viggo Mortensen-only as Aragorn because in real life he looks kind of funny.
6. Matt Damon-I just think he's cute.
7. Matthew McConaughey-his abs his abs his abs
8. James Denton-from Desperate Housewives, he can work on my plumbing anytime.
9. Wil Smith-he's funny as shit.
10. Daniel Radcliff-I know it's pervy but Harry Potter has gotten hot.

Now if I was a guy...here are the women I'd pick: (Interesting, I chose some 'girl next door' types, some 'smokin hot' types & some my type of gals.)

1. Catherine Zeta-Jones
2. Salma Hayek
3. Jennifer Hudson
4. Scarlett Johansson
5. Halle Berry
6. Evangeline Lilly
7. Kate Beckinsale
8. Nicole Kidman
9. Queen Latifah
10. Sienna Miller

flabbergasted...

...and men say we're hard to understand!

Like hell.

If they're not leading you on and then completely ignoring you...

Then you get the other extreme where they're coming on so strong you almost feel suffocated.

WHERE ARE THE NORMAL MEN?????

sorry

I've been such a shitty blogger lately.

Honestly, I've got SO much really good material to write about... But, I can't use any of it!!!!

*bangs head on desk in frustration*

Maybe I should just give up blogging altogether. I've been so slack about it lately anyhow. I don't know... we'll see. Things have been really busy lately and I've been pre-occupied. So we'll see if I have a creative mind at some point or waht...

My Wish List

Another year has gone by.

A year that was not so much meant for me, rather it was a crazy one. And there is still certain lingering sense of dissatisfaction as the New Year started. May be, I could have done a bit more, achieved a bit more. I wish I had gone to new places, tried out some new things. I wish I had an exciting job. I wish I had read more books. But I guess, if wishes were planes, the beggars would fly...

Normally, I don’t make New Year resolutions. I know I am incapable of keeping them. I prefer to make some wishes instead. If they are granted, I feel happy. If not, I know they were never not meant to be fulfilled. After all, there is also something called destiny.

So this year again, I have made some wishes. Who knows whether they will be granted or not, but there is no harm in praying for fulfilment, is there?

So here it is, my wish list for the year 2010.

1. While waiting for the New Year count down at TSB with Anu, I had this strange thought or rather hope crossing my mind. I thought… this is it! This is what exactly I need. This is what I’ve been waiting for. And I’m going to go for it! Of course it’s too private to reveal the details here though I might if it gets fulfilled. I guess. I will need some hand holding for this.

2. I wish there were companies that would employ educated and competent Indian woman who has plenty of experience, talent & skills for a well-paid job. I wish the corporates would understand that we deserve the equal right (and $$) regardless of race and gender.

3.I wish shedding some extra kilos that I have piled up would be as exciting and as easy as eating yummy food.

4. I wish the smaller things in life that annoys me everyday like the bad traffic would get better this year.

5.I wish I could blog about general, mundane things, like the movie that I watched last week or the children playing in the park rather than bickering bout my ever-not-so-perfect life.

6. I wish I would be able to totally conquer my anger. I battle with belligerence and pretty much lose every time. I scream, I use hateful words and I snap back. What's worse, I hang on to my frustrations and never let go. I wish I had more control over my self. I wish I would learn to be calm and serene this new year.

7. I wish I could meet all my friends more often. There is nothing like talking to those people you have grown with, physically as well as mentally. I wish all of them lived near by and I could drop into some one's house unannounced.

8.I wish, I will be able to start saving and reduce some of my unnecessary expenditures.

9. And lastly, I wish I could have a better relationship with my family members.

So that's about it. That was my wish list 2010. Towards the end of the year, I will know how many of them have come true. I wish the year would end soon! And yes, I wish each one of you a very, very happy New Year! Have fun always.

U-N-A-V-A-I-L-A-B-L-E

Let's face it, when I do meet men I have a habit of attracting the ones that are:

U-N-A-V-A-I-L-A-B-L-E.

Be it physically, emotionally or geographically. If they suffer from it, I've probably dated them.

The next step...finding a cure.

oh gee...

My my how quickly time flies by!

I had no idea my little blog was sprouting cobwebs and sheets of dust. Shame on me.

So much for my plan to write more...but in my defense, work has gotten the best of me. Long days, late hours and by the time I get home the only thing I can think about is relaxing.

I should have some time to myself this weekend so I'll see if I can pull it together. Promise!

Tah!

the butterfly effect...

In a time where love can be as puzzling as a complex mathematical equation, it seems necessary for those venturing into the world of dating to be equipped with some sort of quick reference guide.

A 'go to' for the dating impaired.

You know, a translator for those who can't read the signs.

For instance, the question on the table is...butterflies.

With some relationships you feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach turning you topsy turvy and every which way but up. While in others...they sleep quietly without so much as a flutter.

Are those little butterflies indicators for the amount of love and excitement you have for someone?

And can you love the sleepy ones just as much as the ones that have you turned on your head?

This is when cliff notes would be handy.

just a thought... :)

sometimes...

Sometimes you just need to go out with your girlfriends and have a drink. I am far past due and in dire need.

P.S. Work (still) stinks

absolute (ly)...

Long time readers know that my last few years have been filled with something a little less cheery than sunshine.

Tornado? Flood? Tsunami?

I needed a release. A way to let go! A way to look in the eyes of the person(s) that caused said disaster in Sriland and give them the finger.

So what did I do?

I threw myself in a vodka land…

* work stinks

everyone's right cuz it's all about PERCEPTION

I'm dealing with a situation in my life right now where different people feel right about their stance on a scenario due to their perception. Perception is huge... how many friendships have changed due to perception... how many wars have been waged due to perception... how many times have you personally been involved in a situation that you feel is fine and then learn someone else is really upset?

Tolerance and understanding sometimes still don't solve all of our issues... we still feel right while someone may disagree with us. Are they right? are we right? Sometimes its best to just walk away and agree to disagree and hope the fallout isn't to tall to walk over.

Very deep thoughts (by Jack Handy...remember that from SNL?)

a cure for losers..

I was very disappointed. In fact it has been pretty nasty week for me at work. I’m bothered!

This is something associated with my GO AHEAD, TALK ABOUT ME POST and really, it saddened my day or rather week. It made me affected and soul-searched myself. (But I am okay now. I am laughing and I just can’t stop. Poor people! Losers forever. I just cannot believe that this sort of immaturity still happens in my office)

When you judge a person as how you see her is one thing but to discuss it with somebody else and to talk about it at her back is another. I was over the “judging thing”. In fact, I laugh upon remembering, thinking that bitterness and jealousy caused it all. People advised me that instead of having bad feelings towards them, I should pity them for jealousy is such a painful thing that is almost fatal.

I experienced jealousy and so I know how it hurts. I was thinking about them and so I gave in some considerations. I tried to understand. I tried to just ignore. After all, I don’t lose anything. To know that I was stabbed in my back is below the belt. It makes me feel small, yes, but I say that they will never find themselves big when they let others appear small. There is no contentment in that. I got the point that I know myself better than they know me but to see something against you is something that can break my day.

It pissed me more because I tried to be good though I am Little Miss Attitude. I tried to ignore what I heard about and just go on with my life, giving them more things to talk about. I like to tell that the name they are calling me is non-sense. I mean “feeling close” is a compliment to my amicability. It actually shouts about what they don’t have. I am not ashamed of being who I am and trying my best to be close to everybody. Without it, I won’t meet my best friends and other people who made a difference in my life. Is there something wrong with that? If there is, back-stabbing is still worse.

However, I really believe that their talent in making people hate life is rusty. I can actually do better than that but I don’t think they deserve some of my effort, not even a bit of it. I don’t push myself to people who don’t like me. Hell! I have lots of friends and without those haters, my life will still be happy and will still be complete. Actually, they don’t matter and I believe that it will always be that way.

To conclude that I am actually doing everything to make them my friends is a big lie. Don’t assume that much, losers.This is not the right thing to do, yes. A properly-behaved lady should just be shutting up, dealing with other more sensible things. and not letting out her frustration on the blog she owns but I need to unleash this hate. I need to express what I felt after finding out everything. I need to tell the world that I was hurt after I heard those slur pertaining to me. I am still a person. I might have done wrong turns in my life but I don’t think I deserve those insults. There are people whom I've hurt… in the past. There are people whom I took for granted but I never heard them talk about me like that. I never heard their unfair judgments even though they have the right to tell me those things. They never stabbed me in my back. Whenever they have hard feelings on me, they tell me right away. They confront me because they know that back-stabbing is for losers and uneducated. I need to unleash the unfairness I felt. I need to snap back and tell them that the person they are talking about actually knows about their sordid attitude. Somehow, this is a lot better than discussing the issue to someone else and assigning terms and names to them.

BTW, thanks for making me famous and oh, a cure for losers doesn't exists.

if i were a boy...

If one day, I woke up and face the mirror and saw a boy, I’ll know how and why it happened.

For days, I’ve been endlessly singing Beyonce’s If I Were A Boy. Addiction, eh? I prefer to call it my Last Song Syndrome. I just cannot get over such a beautiful song. It’s something that makes me want to say, “Awww” for it hit those lines the way it should be hit. It’s perfect for those women who had a bad experience on love.

I can sooo relate to the song though… I would like to clarify that I have nothing against boys. I don’t have hard feelings towards the other gender. I do not have the anger or sourness. The song is – well, I just find it great and nice, especially the lyrics. I must admit that once in my life, I’ve experienced losing the one I wanted because I was taken for granted like the girl in the song but then that didn’t stop me from seeing the beauty of life. I learned from what happened and now, I’ve come to terms with the other part of life too. And most importantly I do not hate the one who broke my heart. I think that to conclude that I am not bitter or any of the like is very important in this post. I remember reading in a magazine the line, “Boys are taught not to make a girl cry ever since they were young,” I believe that when they do, it’s for a very good reason. Their reasons may sound silly but I know that they did everything they can in order to save everything. It’s just that some things don’t turn out that well.

i'm trying to get to my car so NO i don't want to give you my number!

You know, I've come to see that I must give off some sort of idiot vibe when I've wiped my makeup off for the day.

Case in point.

I went to the gym, washed my face, got hot, sweaty and then proceeded to clean up and head to the grocery store at bangsar village for some toiletries. Went in, got the items and its raining when I came out. I decide that I'm not a sugar, as I won't melt in the rain when cross the street towards my car... what do I hear behind me, but some guy talking about how I'm not even listening to who's talking to me...*blink* and *raised eyebrow*. What follows is some dude trying to pick me up in the rain, in the parking lot of bangsar village.

Him: You sure look pretty, you got a boyfriend?

Me: No (inching toward door of car).

Him: That's good so you can be my girlfriend.

Me: I don't even know you.

Him: *switching tactics* You got kids. (now this ticks me off...yes I am an ample hipped woman, however this should not be the determining factor in me having kids...)

Me: I don't like children.

Him: *shocked* Really!

Me: Yes, I prefer my godchildren...children that I can give back.

Him: *changing tactics again* Can I have your phone number.

Me: Sure *I proceed to give him number... some made up digits...

Him: *smug* Don't get a boyfriend, cause you're going to be my girlfriend.

Me: *condescending smile* Again, I don't know you.

At this point I get into my car *finally* and drive away.

a much delayed tag (amended)

A friend on mine tagged me in facebook… I thought I would pop this onto my blog too! And here are a lot of random things that maybe a lot of you don’t know about me.

1) Never call me early in the morning (before 9). I’ll hang up.

2) I ran away from home once when I was 6. I went down the alley that was near our house and it started to rain so I hid in a box; after what seemed like hours I decided to go home… to my annoyance nobody had even realized I was gone!

3) When I’m sick, I like lots of sympathy.

4) I think I have seasonal mood disorder.

5) I’ll admit it. I’m actually a ‘little’ worried about the economy.

6) I miss some of my closest friends from the past whom I thought would be life-long friends… not that I don’t have many great friends right now… I have some of the best friends a girl could want… but it makes me sad that some people have essentially disappeared from my life.

7) I love to dance.

8) As I get older, I have become very indecisive. I have no idea what I want to do 'when i grow up' and I have pretty degree that is useless to me. And especially last coupla years has been very stressful and i have gained no perspective... I still have no idea what i want to do.

9) I’m a bit narcissistic, I kinda like who I am with all the flaws and the imperfections… it sorta makes me who I am now so I’m in peace with myself.

10) I don’t see why people like kids; I find them annoying and if I ever had any I’ll love them just because they’re mine.

11) I think too much and have hard time sleeping because of it. It is usually really unimportant stuff too.

12) Every now and then I get a really bad crush on someone and then act like a fool about it. This is almost always at least one person I am crushing on to an unhealthy degree... and they usually don't know it. Sometime they don't even know me.

13) Sometime I hate myself for not being great at anything.

14) I can happily re-read books and watch movies that I have seen over and over.

15) I haven’t regretted my relationship, and I love every single one of them dearly.

16) Even after having a broken heart I still belive in Happily Ever After...

17) I am on a anti-social mood right now... so, totally avoing my friends -- especially those happy couples.

18) My ambition when I was in primary school is to be a stewardess. Thank god someone set me straight along the way.

20) When I see someone cry I automatically get teary. It doesn’t matter if it’s a movie or my best friend.

21) I went to 11 different schools.

22) I need lots of pillows to sleep with. I make a fortress around me every night.

23) Hate when people try to tell me what to do.

24) I can handle being apart from people for reasonably long period of time.

25) I joined Facebook so I could stalk people, but then those people have private profiles… LAME!

There you have it… my boring 25.

you're moving like a movie, you still move me.

I'm at the point right now where I can't even decide if I'm happy or sad about the situation. Why is this even a situation where a decision is appropriate? I can't even figure that out. I can't figure anything out.

I want to have a theme for this post, something to focus on but for the life of me I cannot wrap my mind around anything right now. So instead, I am going to go to sleep with hopes of having really nice dreams because lately that is all I can get. And I don't mean slimy dreams, I mean nice dreams.

I think I'm happy, in fact I know I am happy. I'm just one frustrated little camper!

happening endings...

Something's come to my attention over the past few days.

I've discovered that I like happy endings. The girl gets the guy or vice versa, big kiss on the lips, everything is tied up nicely with a bow and the world is a happy shiny place in the end kind of happy endings. Don't know why exactly I just do.

Which probably accounts for why I mostly read romance and stories where I'm pretty much assured that the resolution at the end will be a good one. Books where people have to suffer throughout do not appeal at all.

And which probably accounts for why I place feelings on things, people, places, etc. that don't actually belong there.

and I'm sure I'm going to get it...if I wait long enough...

*taps foot*

Okay, this waiting crap is for the birds, looks like I'm going to have to hack it out on my own... :)

circles and squares

Yesterday I was driving when one of my favorite songs came on. The kind of song with the perfect melody and lyrics that make me swoon and wish for the day that my significant other writes words like that for me. But then I came back to reality and realized that I have never pursued a guy who would ever do that. Then I thought about current and past crushes and how much in common we really had. How necessary is it to enjoy all of the same things? Is a relationship doomed to fail if both people involved don't get excited over the same things?

My answer is no.

I don't want to be with a clone of myself. I want someone who can appreciate my interests and activities and who will participate in them because they like ME. He's going to understand when I want to go stand in line for hours to see my favorite band and how much more it will mean if he offers to stand in line with me.

It is interesting when I apply this to current and past guys I have been interested in. Some have merely been a childish crush, or check box on a list, while others I now realize, would never "get me." I'm multifaceted and have a big interest in so many things, I am not one-dimensional.

To understand passion, you have to have passion... To understand me, and to be with me, you have to "get it." Luckily for me, I think I'm getting better at finding the guys who "get it." :)

snake in disguise

I have been continuing to read the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in last few days, and some very intense stuff has been happening. Within the last chapter I read, Harry went back to visit the place he was born in hopes of finding a Horcrux (a dark magical device), or a clue to fine one. Instead, he came upon Voldemort’s very own snake disguised as famed historian Bathilda Bagshot. Harry was seeking Bathilda’s advice and willingly followed the imposter into her house, but soon enough the great snake, Nagini, shed her cover and attacked Harry. Luckily enough Harry and his friend Hermione escaped and fled the city.

This chapter kinda opened my eyes (and mind) to the idea of nothing being like what it seems. Who knows which people in power of our society are really wolves in sheep’s clothing. Who knows which friend will turn out to be a traitor? Who knows which heroes are actual villains? And who knows the very person I thought I was in love turned out to be a snake in disguise...

lessons

If there is one thing I took from my travel overseas, it was the reminder that being single can be fabulous.

(Leave it to me to have to travel thousands of miles across the ocean in order to remember that.)

I had forgotten how nice it was to be carefree.

To meet new and interesting people and to forget about everything that had been tying you down and just let loose.

I had forgotten how nice it was to flirt and be flirted with.To kiss a boy...or two...or three.

To know that someone thinks your sexy.

To know that someone thought so much of you that they had to build up the courage to come talk to you.

I miss my young days...

the bucket list

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It has been a long time my friends...for that I apologize. There are stories and explanations lingering in the outskirts but for now, let's just ease into things shall we?

This past year has brought to light the importance of 'living' life....not just living my life day to day. So, I started a Bucket List. I've only ticked off a few things so far but that just means I have lots of adventures ahead. Here's what I've got so far, (the stars are next to things I've completed).

Climb a mountain *
Go kayaking
Go sky diving
See a drive-in movie
bonfire by the beach
Ride a horse along the beach
Sleep under the stars *
Whale watching
Have my palm read *
See the pyramids upclose
Go snorkeling
Swim with dolphins
Ride a bike
Take a gondola ride *
Go on a safari trip
Ride in a helicopter
Learn to play guitar
Hitch a ride on a motorcycle *
Shake hands with someone famous
Stay in the best room of a 5 star hotel
Volunteer in a charity show
Run a marathon


Go on then. What's on YOUR bucket list?

a hint of the future i hope

I got to hold hands last night. Well, sort of. I love fingers and hands and forearms and holding them and being in possession of them. There is something so amazing about that kind of extremely innocent human contact that feels so good. It's a connection...it's assurance...it's secure. It's not some drunk guy trying to grope you or get their hands somewhere you don't want them. It's welcome and calm and warm. I love how they fit together...hands, that is.

so what...

I was gonna delete this blog…

filled with stories that i needed to let go...

instead…

I went to gym!

probably had the best workout of my life and I have to thank PINK.

Pink has a new song! this song (and video) is freaking hilarious and has to be the coolest breakup video up to date.

“I'm gonna show your tonight, i'm alrite, i'm just fine”, that’s class.

so... the final verdict is... the blog stays and i may have to mourn a little longer...

bygone...

pear shaped

Sometimes life has a way of going all pear shaped.

One moment you're skipping along in the sunshine and the next you're floundering in a sea of uncertainty and doubt, desperate to keep your head above water and cursing yourself for having never really learned how to swim.

Each day survived was done with a friend's words in my ear. Every day you go in and you pick a task and give it your full attention. When that one's done, you move on to the next and keep going. Focus on the things you can control. And then at 5 when you walk out that door and into the world that's out of control, just keep reminding yourself to breathe.
So that's what I did.
I remembered to breathe.
In and out.
Out and in.
Counting each labored breath until the world righted itself again.

why!!

Why is it that men always seem to know how to push my buttons?

Whether it's someone I used to love, someone I still love or someone I like.

All of them seem to have unearthed a rogue copy of "Sri, the Operator's Manual" and committed it to memory.

a long walk

Until this very moment, I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. I looked at the date of my last post, looked at the calender, looked at my post again. Wow, coupla weeks...

I think somewhere along the way, I just got lost. I stumbled out of the crisp black and whiteness of life and found myself planted face first in a sea of grey.

Now I'm wandering about, try to find the way home.

Wish there was an easier way.

absolutely nothing

I just sat here for like, 10 minutes trying to think of something to write about and I've got to be honest with you: I've got nothing.

There are no prospects at work.

There are no prospects after work.

There are no males at my gym (Seriously. I know, can you believe it?)

I haven't spoken to nice guy, singapore sweetie, or anyone along that line in awhile so there's nothing exciting there. I - no longer work with the mr married guy and no, we never had happy hour.

I'm not even interacting with male friends enough right now to read into things.

THINGS SERIOUSLY NEED TO BE SHAKEN UP! This is ridiculous.

But I'm glad my gal friends have things going on.

dark day

You know, I've spent a lot of my life believing in tales of Karma and living by the rule that in being a good person and doing kind things...good fortune would befall me.

These days I'm beginning to wonder if that was nothing more than just a children's tale.

It seems that just when I found my days filled with sunshine and happiness...a hooded figure drew near and stole the sunshine right out of the sky.

Leaving me to stand alone in the dark.

Leaving me unable to find my way.

walking the line

I'm feeling so lazy today...and tired and unmotivated and slack. Yeah, slack, I think that about sums it up.

I must apologize for being a terrible blogger lately...not writing decent posts, not visiting everyone like I should. I mean well. Promise.

But what is it they say?

...The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

Hmmm. Well, if that's the case, I guarantee that I've paved a good 100 km.

dude... you are so lucky

My friend Mr. Cool and I hooked up at the theater over the weekend to catch a movie and have dinner. Since I was the first to arrive at the theater, I went ahead and bought the tickets and he offered to buy dinner. While we were at the Chillis in Midvalley everything was going along great until the end of dinner when he pulled out his wallet to pay the bill and he discovered that he was without his credit card or any cash. Instantly his face turned silly and sweat began to appear on his brow as he gave me the sad puppy dog eyes. I shook my head, pulled out my wallet and said, "Dude, you are so lucky that this happened with me and not while you were on a date!" He being the nice guy that he is came by and paid me back the next day, but it started us on this whole conversation of stupid or embarrassing things we had done on first dates.

I've only got few embarrassing stories myself and one of it which from many years ago...but it's a painful one. This guy and I were driving home from dinner when he started telling me about his friend Mr ‘A’. "Yeah, ‘A’ a cool dude… he's from Kelantan..." Me being the nervous moron that I was said, "Oh he's from Kelantan? I love Kelantanese food...." The moment the words came out of my mouth I wanted to grab them and shove them back in. I was completely mortified...especially with the uncomfortable silence that followed. I know he was thinking that I was a complete idiot. That was the longest ride home ever...and no, we never went out again but it's ok, he turned out to be a prick anyway.

life can be so cruel...

I am currently experiencing a certain 'loathing' for all happy couples. Not to offend those of you who are currently in happy, healthy relationships... just know that if I pass you on the street... I'm sending you evil, telepathic thoughts. If I have to be single and slightly bitter... so should everyone else. *sigh* Okay... so it's not a perfect world and there is no way everyone is going to spontaneously break-up (at least until I finally get a super power).

Last night when i was at the movie, everyone was sitting at their seats waiting for the movie to start and I couldn't help but notice that all of these really young girls with their partners next to them... what were they doing to achieve that kind of status... where are they meeting these guys and why haven't I found one? Not that I need a huge rock or husband at this point, I'd be happy with just getting someone to hold hand to...

parking space stalkers

Okay what is it with parking space stalkers? You know the kind I'm talking about. The ones that coast behind you when you walk down a parking lot at the malls, so they can see if you have an ideal space for them to steal. For the record, if I realize someone is doing that to me, I purposefully walk past my car or cut across to the next lane. Go stalk someone else because you will NOT get my space.

The worst offenders are the ones that pull up when you're trying to unload your shopping cart and they just sit there, staring at you. I always look at them like, MF, I know you are not sitting there trying to rush ME! Assholes. Now, if someone is immediately getting into their car, sometimes I might slow down but if they've got a cart FULL of groceries...don't stop!!! Go find another space. How rude is that?! Are you so freakin' lazy that you can't stand to walk 5 more feet to the elevator?

When the stalkers do this to me, I have been known to load my bags in the car, return my cart and then walk BACK towards the elevator to the mall. Ahhh yes, I can be a spiteful bitch.

bittersweet...

I've grown accustomed to the fact that things don't always turn out the way I planned and I've become adept at making quick decisions when the road ahead takes a sharp, unexpected turn.

But even now, equipped as I am with all of my hard learned survival skills... I find myself caught off guard, watching my heart override the emotions I had thought were already in line to handle the situation.

There was a time when I wanted certain others to feel the very hurt and despair that they had gifted upon me. I hoped and prayed for it as my body racked with sobs and my heart nearly ceased its beating.

I wanted the revenge and satisfaction in knowing that they were hurting as much as I had.

But that's not how it has happened.

Instead of vindication, my silly heart filled with care and compassion and I find myself desperately seeking a way to fix the hurt and I don't know why…

ho's before bros?

I used to think of myself as a diehard girlfriend. Down for any type of adventure and always up for the new and exciting. Especially, when it came to hanging out with my girls. Lately, however, I've been feeling none to friendly and even less inclined to do the new and tingly things with anyone including my girls. While some of my close friends have been out doing things with each other, I've been doing my thing over here, and trying to jumpstart my non-existent social calendar. This did get me to thinking about friendships and girlfriends and boyfriends.

Where does your friend stand while you're getting into a relationship?

There's no pause button on a friendship. And often times you may want to establish yourself in the relationship with your person before introducing them around to friends and sometimes family. Do you need to vett the new entry into your life to make sure they're capable of handling their own? And while I wish this was my problem its not, I don't have a significant other I'm trying to work into my regular life. I just have a lot of questions about what to do when I do.

perspective

It's amazing how you can waste days, months...even years of your life, living in the past. Stuck on a page...reading the same words over and over...seemingly powerless to take that step...to turn the page to see what happens next.

But at some point you have to take a deep breath and just do it. Quick...like pulling off a band-aid. And once that initial shock wears off....you realize that there are pages and pages of this book left to read and you were only on the first chapter.

Currently I don't have guts to pull my band-aid. I hope there will be someone with me to hold my hand and say, "It's gonna be ok." Someone who can make me understand that there will never be anything in that first chapter worth missing out on. It was just setting the stage for an even better ending...

langkawi

There is something great about spending a holiday... just girls and relaxing on the beach...

First of all, the weather was GORGEOUS, we couldn't have asked for better.

We ate, drank, witnessed animal sex and talked boys.

I'd love to tell you more...but like they say, what happens at the beach, stays at the beach.

the request

Dear Universal Powers That Be,

I've come to accept that you are incapable of minding your own business when it comes to my personal life. If you insist on sticking your nose where it doesn't belong, I ask that you at least use the following as a guideline for your misguided (though well intentioned) hints and nudges.

Before you drop anymore eligible men on my doorstep, it would be wise for you to update your screening process and refrain from sending me anymore...: married men, gay men, men old enough to be my father, assholes or losers.

The preferred qualities a man must posses (aside from actually being straight and single) are: intelligence, kindness, thoughtfulness, humor and a fondness for children (though not in a perverse way.)

Finally, if it is within your power, someone who is masculine and yet a gentleman would be nice. I think deep down we all want someone who will make us feel protected and treated like a lady.

Thank you for your good intentions.

sri

P.S. Broad shoulders and strong hands are a plus!

at a loss of topics...

I just sat here for at least 10 minutes trying to think of a topic to expound upon.

I was unsuccessful.

I'm distracted and can't remember the past and am keeping quiet on the present. I suppose that leaves the future but that's even more amiguous...

the light-switch

Men claim to be simple creatures.

I believe this to be highly suspect.

I have found that they are just as confusing and complex as any woman...sometimes even more so.

For instance...men are masters of the 'Light-switch.' A dark and evil trait which I have yet to fully understand but have nonetheless fallen victim to. It is the uncanny ability to change behavior or turn feelings on and off at the flick of a switch without ever batting an eye.

One day they want to marry you, the next day they deliver the most insulting and painful blow...you cease to exist.

It's as if they permanently erased you from their memories...while you are left wondering how it is that you are so easily forgettable.

I'm telling you people.... it's c-o-m-p-l-i-c-a-t-e-d.

finally...

i've been a fan of Fergie since she came out with her solo album 'the dutchess'. last night her new single from the same album 'finally...' played on the radio while i was on my way home after a long day at work... i started crying... it was the first time really that cried for joy... from a song. today, i am listening to it over and over again and it gives shivers everytime i hear it...

Ever since I was a baby girl I had a dream
Cinderella theme
Crazy as it seems
Always knew that deep inside that there would come that day
That I would have to wait
Make so many mistakes I couldn't comprehend
As I watched it unfold
This classic story told I left it in the cold
Walking through an open door that led me back to you
Each one unlocking more of the truth

I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally got lost inside of you
I finally know I needed to grow
And finally my mate has met my soul

i'm inked! are u?

The consequences of break-ups are not necessarily ugly all the time… mine is kinda pretty actually…:) that’s right… I’m inked! And it came out better than I imagined…:)

Last coupla years have been fabulous years – things have changed, I have changed - for better, not so much worse. I’ve met so many wonderful people, some who have changed the way I look at life.

And if you wonder why ladybug… well, most people say ladybug is a clichéd design. But when I read about them, it occurred to me how beautifully perfect it was for me, right now, at this moment. The more you learn about this small but powerful creature, the more you understand that it is not merely a testimony to beauty, but also strength and most importantly, change.

and here is a little story i found in the net bout these pretty little things...

In Europe, during the middle ages, insects were destroying the crops, so the Catholic farmers prayed to the virgin mary for help. Soon the ladybugs came, ate the plant-destroying pests and saved the crops! The farmers began calling the ladybugs “the beetles of our lady”, and they eventually became known as ‘lady beetles’! their red wings represents virgin mary’s clock and the black spots represents her joys and sorrows.

As for me... forever, i shall look over my left shoulder and remember...

like graffiti... i've been tagged

I was tagged by Anna who wants to know weird/interesting/odd/random facts about me so here goes! and anna, instead of 8... only 3 things k...

three things i love
1) my freedom
2) my car
3) ...stil thinking

three things i want to do before i die
1) live in europe
2) have kids
3) write a screenplay

three things i miss right now...
1) my doggies duchess & snowy
2) my ex - conservative cum useless fella
3) sohrab

three guilty pleasures
1) things that i fried
2) secret recipe chocolate brownie with ice-cream
3) cheese

three [innocent] crushes
1) one of my gym member
2) a friend i haven't seen in years
3) george clooney

three people who make me laugh
1) jane
2) mr nice Guy
3) my bro

three people who make/made me feel like everything will turn out ok in the end
1) my dad
2) merlina
3) mr nice guy

three things i'd like to learn
1) how to cook fish
2) how to make money by being cool
3) how to let go

three songs i could listen to over and over again
1) rascal flatt - what hurts the most
2) five for fighting - it's not easy
3) nickelback - photograph

three jobs i'd love to try out
1) photographer
2) actress
3) ... still thinking

useless... crushes

One thing March has made clear is that I am utterly useless during this coupla months. I haul my butt out of bed very reluctantly every morning and sit in front of my computer (both at home and office) dreaming of more creative pursuits. Some days I'll daydream of the possibility of frolicking with cute men and other days I'm thinking of lying in the sun by a large body of water. So, next month I'm going to feed the demon and head down to Langkawi Beach for coupla days of Sun Sand & Sea...waves...cute guys. Sounds like a nice way to waste time.

Just thoughts....

At the risk of sounding conceited, have you ever wondered who has a crush on you? Do you ever wonder if there is someone out there, possibly someone you have never met, who has intense feelings about you? Or even a friend, maybe a close friend, who longs to have something more with you but you have no idea!

Think about it: How many people have you lusted after or been "in like with" and you never told them. Maybe you never even spoke with them but always had a desire to.

Examples:

I had the biggest crush EVER on Mr russell crowe look alike from my senior year at secondary school. I went to the library he stationed during recess at way too often and stalked him quite frequently too. I was convinced he was God's gift until one day I heard him talk and all feelings I had for him were lost. The magic was gone. The point is, he never knew I was in like with him.

I've had countless crushes on friends...sometimes they had to have known but others probably didn't have the foggiest idea. So some of my friends must have developed feelings for me, right? A few told me after the fact and it was so weird to think back to their behavior or the different things we did together.

It just makes me wonder...is there someone out there, right now, thinking about me all the time. Trying to coincide daily tasks so they see me??

These type of things can't be one-sided. I know I'm not the only one.

learning to be alone...

Well Mr Conservative made an official announcement on his other woman and his so called wedding plans… Woopdefrickin do...

So, nowadays I spent my time while he is on a date with THE other woman, on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor, and the two bathroom floors and then wiping down and reorganizing the book shelves, counter tops and then taking countless showers and moping the floor and … running out my apartment to the most furtherest mall to get my groceries... bla bla bla - so here's my dilemma... I've forgotten how to be alone. I’ve forgotten how to let go…

its not that we were together most of the time – but I always knew he was there… in my mind - all the time. Now, I'm totally totally incapable of being alone... that thoughts… he, not being there is killing me. The worse part is he is there… with another woman.

I read somewhere that the worst thing could ever happen to a person is - knowing someone they love… is in love with another person… I don’t know, life is unfair most of the time *correction all the time.

i wish i may, i wish i might, have the wish i wished tonight

I had planned to boycott today.

I had planned to hide.

Instead, I closed my eyes and made a wish - upon a star.

Here is to wishing that I find passion. Passion in a kind, caring romantic man.

Here is to wishing for strong arms wrapped around me, secret smiles shared across a crowded room and quiet nights snuggled beneath a blanket.

Here is to wishing for "I Love You's" whispered in my ear, an arm around my waist and finger tips brushing against my cheek.

Here is to wishing that I had a Valentine...

haunted

Some people are haunted by ghosts.

I am haunted by words. Words from my past. Words from my present.

Words that won't go away.

"I think it's about that time. I may regret this tomorrow...but right now, I'm just not happy." "I'm not sure why I've said those things." "I love you more than you'll ever know. I just wish I had told you sooner." "At this age, it's important that you learn self control."

I don't know what it is about the last few of days but there they are...running through my head on repeat. Different voices, different memories...stealing any moments of silence that I have.

Here's to hoping they'll get bored and wander away...

and how would you like yours prepared sir?

I hate dealing with the craziness of shopping on weekend especially early of the month...the lines, the people. I get annoyed! However, to pass the time I found myself observing all the different types of people that were forcing themselves in front of me, shoving me from behind and running into my trolley. There was a never ending of size, shapes and colors... some lovely... some grumpy and all sorta moods.

I know this a totally individual taste sort of thing but I was curious as to what type of women most men seemed physically attracted to. For instance... do you go for the voluptuous curves of someone like Jennifer Hudson or Queen Latifah? Or do you prefer your women to be cute and petite like Eva Longoria (from Desperate Housewives)? If I had to choose, I would prefer curvy to skinny... primarily because I am curvy (& chubby). I once had a guy friend tell me that the difference between my being chubby and the other girls being teenie tiny was the difference between being a 'woman' and being a 'girl.' I kissed him!

Where men are concerned... I really don't care for thin men except I prefer My man NOT be any shorter than me or really really skinny. Now, don't think I'm being choosey and I'm not saying that I want my men to be extra tall or really big, but I do like them to have a size meat on their bones... tall are nice too. Naturally I like to cuddle my man and I want to feel that secure feeling thingy when I’m cuddling him – it’s like I want something to hold on to.

Do I feel like writing?

No, not particularly. But at the urge to keep the blog alive....I'm here.

A little dazed and out of focus...but here nonetheless.

I guess no one ever said that life was going to be easy but what they failed to mention was that it was going to be filled with bumps and bruises, stubbed toes, paper cuts, headaches, sleepless-nights, curse words and water retention.

Not to mention worthless ex-boyfriends, former friends, clinically insane housemates, and demonically possessed co-workers. I guess it's just one of those minor details that parents forget to let us in on. Advice that should have been sandwiched in sometime between the "adult talk" and the "proper use of credit cards.”

sleep face

I can't breathe. No, really. If I ever get kidnapped and they put tape over my mouth, I am going to pass out and/or die. Also, as a result, I sometimes snore, too. I like to think it's endearing, but to a light sleeper, it might not be. In addition to that, I do not have one of those pleasant 'sleep faces' as I call them. Some people, when they sleep, look just like they do when awake. They look peaceful, and calm, and not weird at all. I, on the other hand, feel like I look like...well, let's not get descriptive.

Usually when I sleep in the midst of another person, I sleep very lightly so as not to fall into this unattractive* state I have. Sometimes, though, a girl is tired and light sleeping is just not an option. I know my Sleep Face is not going to be a deal breaker or anything, but at some point, I'm going to fall asleep first, and on my back or something, and then all bets will be off. Like I said, I hope it's endearing.

ZZZZZZZZZZZ

P.S. And just to clarify, I don't look like monster after a long night or anything. Heavens no! I just look like I'm sleeping.

P.P.S. I can only speak for myself, but I'm probably not going to talk through differences on this blog. If they were blog related, then maybe, but there's really no point on so many levels.

*Relatively unattractive. I could never really be so;)

she is still alive

Call off the search! Bring the hounds back!!

We found her!

Yes folks… I am alive and mostly sane… I think… that’s what the voices in my head been saying anyways. I’ve just been a busy bee with (u know) things.

Let’s talk bout this year – the year has been a whirlwind.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost. And I’ve learned to let go.

But most importantly, I’m looking forward to the New Year and all of the grand things it holds for me.

I suppose I should also confess that I’ve got a little secret. But for right now it’s cradles in my hand, next to my heart for protection - when the time is right I will tell you about it, and no worries, I won keep you waiting too long.

As for my blog, for over a year I have poured my heart and soul into this blog. I have shared my happiest moments and the moments I was at an absolute low. This ‘impetuosity of sri’ has been my ‘safe place’. A place where I knew I could be honest about what I was feeling and not fear judgment or persecution. Thank yo’ll for listening to me.

Have a super fantastic New Years!!!

an "I need a HUG" day

It can be difficult when, after getting used to physical contact, you go a day without any. And I'm just talking hugs here. I could have used one today. My day just went on too long and began in a hurry that set me on edge for the rest of the day.

fallin...

Alicia Keys said it best when she sang, "I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you." But have you ever wondered why they call it 'falling' in love when it can make you feel so high? Perhaps it's that feeling of inevitability that you are being sucked deep down into that person. Or maybe it's that feeling that you've just stepped off a cliff.

And I started pondering about this song after having a drink last night…

I keep on fallin in love with you
Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Loving you darling
Makes me so confused

I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure and cause me so much pain
Just when I think I've taken more than would a fool I start fallin back in love with you

I keep on fallin in and out of love with you
I never loved someone way that I loved you...

Maybe that’s how I feel nowadays and I seriously don’t know how to deal with this feeling.

breaking the habit

So I was thinking…that dieting and eating right are so easy in theory…so why is it so hard?

It’s kind of like quitting smoking, only not because you can’t REALLY ever quit eating. Smoking is an example of something that is bad for you, and you know it is…but eating, that’s something you have to do, but it can turn into the enemy.

Everybody knows what to do to lose weight. Eat less overall calories, eat more fruits and vegetables, fill up on “good” foods and proteins, maybe even cut carbs or start eating whole wheat carbs. Sleep more, drink more water, try to do cardio for at least 30 minutes 3 days a week, avoid processed foods…the list goes on. But you know what, it’s hard. Anybody who says dieting and losing weight is easy is wrong. Mostly because in the end, you have to find out what works for you. Atkins may be amazing for you, or you could not be able to give up carbs. Weight Watchers could be wonderful, but you don’t have time to count points and plan meals. Jenny Craig can be great, but you don’t have the money (or time) to purchase the meals to stay on it. It’s a personal decision, and what may have worked for one person may not for another. And honestly, it’s a full time JOB to do it right. I don’t have time, energy or money to sit and plan out my meals, grocery shop, and make healthy food all the time. The best I can do is eating the kinda food ‘less fattening’ and hope for the best. It’s hard to be at work and not grab lunch with coworkers. And it’s hard to know what your schedule is going to be like and if you’ll have time to come home and make something good for you.

The funny thing is, that even when people lose weight, it doesn’t completely change who they are. Sure, they may become more confident, more aggressive, more desirable…but it’s not a cure-all. Just the same as gaining weight doesn’t totally change a person. If you lose or gain weight, it doesn’t mean that your debt will go away, that your relationships will be any better or worse, or that your career will be any different. It all comes down to how you feel inside, and how you present yourself. I admit, that slimmer, more attractive (and taller) people are scientifically shown to get more of a “break” in the professional world…but that doesn’t mean that the more average or overweight people are living unsatisfactory and unfulfilling lives. I know just as many unhappy, single, boring skinny people as I know amazing, married and exciting people who don’t have “perfect” bodies. It’s not a black and white issue.

I mean, in the end, it’s horrible that I spend so much of my time, energy and conversation thinking about and talking about this. If the biggest problem I have in my life is struggling with my weight (which has only been for last ten years), then I’m pretty lucky. Overall I’m a happy person and I enjoy my life, so maybe that’s why it’s harder for me to obsess and restrict myself, I enjoy good food and I enjoy social interaction (that usually involves food to me). Being somewhat overweight doesn’t make or break me as a person. And you know, if I died tomorrow, I doubt anybody would be like, “it’s too bad she never lost that weight” or “so sad she never got skinny and hot like she wanted.” So, why do I worry about it so much?

into the night...

One of my favorite songs by Santana since ‘why don't you & i’, (which is still my favorite) but man oh man Chad Kroeger and Santana when work together, magic happens!! And just when you thought you had seen the last best of…

The first time I heard the opening track “Into the Night”, I stumped, as to who it was? Once Santana’s guitar solo came in, though, I knew right away. Chad wrote the song himself, he never shields from affairs of the heart, and I would call this is his most romantic lyrical endeavor yet.

Like a gift from the heavens
It was easy to tell
It was love from above
That could save me from hell
She had fire in her soul
It was easy to see
How the devil himself
Could be pulled out of me
There were drums in the air
As she started to dance
Every soul in the room
Keeping time with their hands

Coupled with his raspy voice, it makes for an intriguing contrast of a cool rocker singing a valentine about love at first sight. Chad is not the biggest rock guy, but I love anything Chad Kroeger does either with Nickelback or Santana. His voice sends chills up my spine! And as for Santana, you know why he doesn’t sing at all? Cuz he doesn’t have to… His guitar does it for him.

what if...?

So often I hear the following phrase, "But I don't want to mess up our friendship." and for a long time I was not only someone uttering those same words but I was a firm believer that friendships should be taken care of. But earlier today, it occured to me: Why be miserable maintaining a friendship when there could be so much more? Why live with the words "What if...?"

What if we date and can't get back to being friends?

Well, maybe if a friendship can't withstand a try at love it wasn't the most stable friendship to begin with. But what if...you never tried and you are only friends with Mr/Mrs. Right for the rest of your life?

I'm not even going to try to say I've met someone whom I would consider "Mr. Right" but, I know the frustration and at times, heartache of having an intense desire to know if there could be something more with a friend. They are feelings that have waned over the years so that now I know things worked out how they should have with those people. As I face these same situations at this point in my life, I definitely have a different outlook.

I have not come to a conclusion about potentially ending a friendship for a try at love. This just a theory, but i am also torn over the following questions :

Which is worse...only being friends with someone who might be your "soul mate" (a future blog topic, yes) or losing a friend in a quest of find that "what if"?

at a loss for words

Ok, I’m gonna come straight to the point at today’s post.

So, we all know how boys and their...uhm...well, their 'part' comes in different sizes right? Well, completely unbeknownst to me... so do women!!

Apparently one hooha is not the same as the next!! I am aghast (new word I’ve picked up lately) people!

So, now I've got all these questions... is one size better than the other? Do men have a preference? Does it play a factor in their (u know) sexual satisfaction?

Worst of all, how do you know if you have a right hooha or not? Now I'm all paranoid... worried that I could be walking around with an abnormal hooha. :o(

relationship junkyard

Pat Benetar the 80's rock singer so eloquently once stated, "Love is a battlefield."

That being the case, what happens to the relationship wreckage? Where does all the love you had for that person go and what happens to the broken hearts? I know that there are still a few out there ticking away, precariously held together with bits of tape and glue but what about the ones that are broken beyond repair?

Could it be that all of our old feelings and broken bits are taken to a relationship junkyard...sorted out to see what can be used for parts and what gets thrown into the scrap heap?

I'd like to think that someone would wander in and stumble across my little, wounded heart and say, "I can't believe someone would have thrown this away. All it needs is a little work and it'll be like new again."

i said no...

to having kids, right now and probably ever, and I don't feel bad about it.

*stands on large soapbox*

Now hear this! I don't particularly like children. They're cute when they smile, and they smell like baby powder and holding one for a few minutes is fine, but beyond that...I don't like the little buggers.

*and half of the readers of this blog go running into the dark, screaming words like 'childhater' and 'selfish'*

I remember fondly having the same dream that I imagine lots of other girls who are between the ages of 13 and 18 have about getting married and raising a pack of children. Then reality in the form of high school, college and the real world slapped me around and made me realize that I don't usually want to take care of me let alone some tiny person. And some incident that happened in Bangsar yesterday showed me that I'm not alone. Not that I thought I was, but its not something that people talk about.

I mean you don't see that lone female, guy or couple of a certain age, who are without the typical accoutrements of parenthood (pacifier, bottle, baby wipes, kiddie leash, etc.) and walk up to them and say casually, "no kids... good on you mate!" Its just not done. However, I did have a lady in the elevator walk up to me "if you have kids," to which I responded without a beat, "Oh I don't like children." She was shocked, I wasn't. She quickly recovered with a refreshing, "I've never heard someone actually say that before." And surprisingly enough she wasn't offended at all. More like she was shocked to actually hear someone say it out loud.

I'll be up front about it, I'm selfish. I like my things the way they are, I like my body (sometimes) the way it is, I like having really cool glassware and going on trips (if I can afford them), and drinking a lot (if I want) and not having to worry about if some other soccer mom sees me, or if my kid's teacher sees me doing something else that isn't part of the parent approved behavior. I like being independent.

Having kids, while it brings a certain joy into the lives of some or many, doesn't do the same for me. It holds none of the happy, shiny thoughts it did when I was younger. In fact it has the opposite effect. I've got little ones at my godparents. I haven't seen them in some time and while I take no pride in that, because I do have a heart (somewhere under this thick skin and through the barbed wire), I don't like being made to feel guilty by a society obsessed with procreation and everyone wanting, nay needing to have kids.

Instead, I'm perfectly happy to see my friends with kids, remark on how cute they are (or not remark at all if I don't think they're Gerber material), and move on. In ten years when I'm still childless and jetting off to Fiji or struggling to get pregnant I'll look back on this and either laugh at the irony of the situation or take another sip of my champagne in first class and wonder if I can fit a massage in when I touch down.