thank you letter to the universe...

I started to write this thank you letter on December morning as the year was about to end and a new one ready to begin. I just had a chance to complete this…

It’s a cloudy Saturday morning. The sun seems to be hiding behind the clouds today. I don’t mind. It’s cool and I’m still tucked under the blankets.  In a few hours, I’ll be meeting a friend at Bangsar, for our New Year’s Eve dinner & party! We have decided to have our last meal of the year at Chilis – our all time preferred choice! So before the party starts, I would like to take this time to write you a thank you letter.

God, thank you for this wonderful year! All five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes of it! Thank you for the little and big milestones that have happened in my life. Growing up can sometimes be a painful thing especially when it involves handling our emotional and mental state. But what a year of learning and growing! I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I smile with delight but why are the tears falling down my face, blurring my eyes? Perhaps it’s because I just know that there is so much love and gratitude within and all around me. I thank you for this precious, very precious gift.

A life lived in love is so much different. I know because I too have walked the valleys of darkness. And yet, I have made it through. I am here, alive and free! And everyday has become a celebration for me.

The universe, thank you for all the small miracles that comprised the bigger miracle in my life. The miracle of finding, knowing and loving myself. I was lost but now I am found. As I have experienced your love and grow to love myself, I noticed that I am reaching out more to others. I rejoice every time I am able to respond better to situations. I am becoming a better daughter, friend, colleague and a person.

God, thank you for giving me the heart to receive love from others. The same heart that went under the knife when it was so tiny… the same heart that could have died long long time ago when I was still a baby! Thank you so much for still making it alive and fully-function J - Special thanks for that and your love have touched my life.

CK – You have blessed my life so much when you reached out and shared who you are with me. You are the first person who loved me just the way I am and told me about it. Your honesty, encouragement, openness and perceptiveness encouraged and uplifted me more than you will ever know. Looking forward to be your bridesmaid :)

Anu –. We have known each other for more than a decade now and it seems like a lifetime already. I am glad that I am able to be ME around you. I do not have any masks and pretensions. I look forward to another year of growing and learning with you. You have been the best person for me to journey with in the discovery of myself.

Qaisra – She delights me with her bubbly personality and I enjoyed the friendship that we shared.

Mr Nathan – My Father, teacher, guru and a friend. I have much to learn from you. Thank you for making my dreams comes true.

Ms Z – Thank you for being there…

Mei Ling – Thank you for always being so warm and encouraging and most importantly for believing in me… I enjoyed our exchanges immensely.

Mr Conservative – Because of you I learn the meaning of love, pain and everything that comes along with it.

My Boss (Mr. Real McCoy) - Thank you for teaching me that not all women have to be saved by a prince. I have much to learn from you.

Mom - For being kind and gracious all the time (okay, not all the times mebbe some times). You are my one and only family I have left! 

Hoong Ling - For your kindness... and the lovely apt!

Thank you for all the newborn babies that have come across my path this year… for teaching me how precious life is J

To all my friends (including FB friends) those who have touched and inspired me, thank you so much.

I’ve discovered that when I started writing my thank you letter, I can see and feel love through my experiences and the love I have felt from so many. I feel so abundant and very blessed. I pray now that please god bless all of them tremendously in the coming year - a life filled with love and abundance in all the aspects of their lives.

I am alive. I am free to live a life of love.

Yaay! I’m going to go out and celebrate life with you in the next five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes! And most importantly at Chili’s tonight with Anu & Margaritas… Hahaha

Love – Sirilah Raman

New Year!

Well, this is one holiday that I guess almost everyone celebrates. A start of a brand, spanking new year. And time to make resolutions… that most probably you’ll break the next day J. Well, I've been working on it for weeks now somehow couldn't put my mind on it. Perhaps my mind is still taking time thinking through what I have achieved/done in 2011.

What I have achieved… hmmm lets see! Apparently nothing from my last New Year’s list!

I made a promise to myself that I would make my body look sexier… little did I make effort on this. So yes, in 2012, I will try to put more effort to get a better body.  Carrying it forward!

I also wanted to get better pay at work!! I failed at that too… but I’m not going to take this forward this year because somehow I just lost interest or rather hope! I’ve actually already come to term that we must look and behave the certain way in order to achieve this and I certainly don’t have any of those qualities. Leaving it behind…

Thirdly, I wanted to work on my anger management… hmmm! Just yesterday, I would have strangled my ‘so called’ subordinate at office if she had been around (thank god she was not). And, I came real close (I mean really close) to throwing my housemates' (tenant actually) belongings out for not paying my rental on time… So, big flop there too. And I seriously need to work on it this year. 

I have gained healthy weight throughout the year L mainly because I have discontinued my gym membership since I can’t afford them anymore (they are literally daylight robbers). And my weekend workout at gym was my only mode of exercise for last few years and without that I’m not going anywhere near losing the weight. Carrying it forward… just not sure about the methodology!

Finally, and the hardest part would be to be a good daughter and wonderful friend and bring happiness to other people… well, failed terrible at this one! And I just don’t wanna talk about it. 

At least the one that I have achieved successfully is - I have been somewhat writing whole heartly on this blog lately, especially on my rants and ravings to share with everyone that is willing to read. My offends in those posts are sincere as well `no doubts` I am sorry that it’s not making some of you happy if I am actually talking about you or whatever that’s the opposite of your interest, you can either keep it as a memory or… hate me. It’s all on you!

Happy New Year everyone, love yo’ll!

learning to live

Honestly, the past week has been slowly changing my focus… and it’s helping bring things into a better perspective for my life, helping me learn how to live my life.

Well, mainly two things are occupying my time these days…

1. I’m pondering the concept of life, the universe and everything.
2. I’m also spending some time actually doing stuff – the nits and bolts of changing my habit, my circumstances and my body.

Also, I’d learned something from a very dear boy I met last week...

Andrew! and he is autistic. I tell you that not to make you feel sorry for him or his parents, not to make you think that I am somehow a ‘good’ person for befriending him. I tell you he is autistic because it makes him more alive than the rest of us. Well, I knew him back when his mother enforced him to attend the school holiday workshops back when I was at New Straits Times. But I guess I was too dim back then that I never realize how wonderful he could be. I remember I was in a way afraid of him because of his condition. But when I met him the other day at KLCC when he was enjoying his meal with his brother and mom… It just occured to me that he is indeed such a breathtaking, smart and a sweet boy… or rather a man right now :) and that we could actually have a proper intellectual conversation with him.

Well, between my long hours at work, the dishes at home, to the laundry that can easily pile up into a monster that I want to avoid, to the bathroom that can easily become disgusting if left unattended for too long and the kitchen that I don’t want to be in… I was just trying to find a little bit of solitude for myself so that I could clear my mind and stop worrying for a mere moment. God knows I am learning to be thankful for the time I do have, and the things I do have under my responsibility to take care of… but… Heck, life is stressful! whatever our jobs or obligations there is always more to do, things to learn, and ways to be better. That’s not a bad thing though I do spend awful lot of time worrying about things.

However meeting Andrew the other day was refreshing. Andrew is unfettered by social expectations. He spends no time worrying about whether he has the right friends, or if it will ever be sunny again or is just being annoying. Each moment in life presents itself to him for exactly what it is: that moment. A moment filled with the potential of what it could be. And he grabs it, hold it tight, and squeezes every last bit of unabashed joy from it.

Well, my to do list is still long. My apartment is till in the mess, I’ve got tons to do at work. And I have a fast approaching deadlines as well. But, I can still be like Andrew.... right! I don’t have to stop and set aside time for it. All I have to do is to remember to live.

Thanks Andrew.

friday best… and love list!

It’s Friday! How was your week? Mine was just okay. I felt a little “off” for a few days (a touch of cold) and was a little stessy. On the up site, I met some of my dearest friends in last few days. Anu who has just came back from one of her lifetime adventure. And, also to my other friend and her two-week old baby... Is there anything better than holding a newborn?

Anyway, there are a few lessons I’ve learnt (or am learning) lately…I’m not sure if I’m happy but I’m just very positive today. And when the attitude is positive we entertain pleasant feelings and constructive images right... Perhaps it's because I just know that there is so much love and gratitude within and all-around me. I thank you for this precious, very precious gift. A life lived is I should be… Therefore I’m attributing this post to show some gratitude and love by listing down everything that I love…

I love it when someone makes me laugh. I love being out dancing and hearing the beat drop and watching everyone react to the music. I love holding hands. I love mornings with nowhere to be and a clean house. I love making meals and having someone else appreciates them. I love a spotless house. I love making someone laugh.

I love it when friends share their secrets with me. I love inside jokes. I love watching NCIS and E News. I love going to the movies alone. I love to end a day with a glass of rosé. I love seeing my favorite bands in concert. I love conquering something I’m afraid of.

I love fireworks on new years. I love New Years Eve. I love setting goals for myself. I love quiet mornings. I love my Netbook. I love black dresses and fun jewelry. I love making to-do lists and scheduling things. I love walking through malls. I love getting emails from my friends.

I love a good cry. I love my cat. I love the smell of fresh laundry. I love blogging. I love reading something that inspires me. I love sitting in front of the ocean. I love going out for margaritas with my friends on happy hours. I love getting flowers. I love sending and receiving mail. I love slow dancing. I love a good steak, a glass of margarita and a sinful dessert. I love knowing that I am loved and supported.

I love the denial in me worked out well, as I could secretly love him while not ever confronting the pain of not being able to be with him.

I love those moments when I realize I’m happy.

blueprint for women

So a few weeks ago, I’m sitting at my desk (bored of course because it’s Friday and because it’s FRIDAY) and I came across an article by Penelope Trunk (founder of match.com) entitled Blueprint for a Woman’s Life. 

Let me summarize the story for you. Basically the article talks about what a woman should be doing with her life – personally and professionally – between the ages of 18 and 45. What comes next is bit controversial where the advice starts with not necessarily doing well in school because other things are important too, concentrate on your look, and going to college looking good, consider plastic surgery in your 30’s etc.

The part of the article I want to focus on primarily is the part where she says the 20’s are all about finding a husband who you want to parent with and then your 30’s are for having kids and that your career should come second. Start your career, but don’t focus solely on it. Use your spare time to find a mate and don’t let work get in the way of your relationship.

Before you get your pitchforks out, let me just say that she does make a good point.

Trunk argues that we as women have our whole lives to get a career. We do not, however, have all the time in the world to have children. Trunk says it like it is, “Your career skills will outlast your ovaries.” So focus on your ovaries. Trunk talks more about finding the partner for this, but I think this could pertain just to having children in general.

Let’s face it. The world isn’t fair. As women, we want to have it all. And we want the equality to have it all. But no matter what, if we do have children we have to take time off to do so. And we get a little off track in the process. Reading Trunk’s article made me feel like I could have it all if I followed this blueprint. But honestly, according to this blueprint I’m already wayyyyy behind.

In the beginning, I did really well in school, I mean I was one of those definitely fall under school-wide top 5, straight A student. And, just when I thought everything was going super fine with me, as usual, life has it’s own way to crash right at you… somehow I couldn’t continue to higher education as I planned, so, everything else was either delayed or just passed right through me. I seriously had no time or intuition to find a mate/man in my twenties because I was just busy searching for LIFE! PEACE… trying every bit to survive! So, can’t really I agree with Trunk there? Sometime things go wrong! And I’m in my thirties now and I don’t have a serious boyfriend (let’s be honest, I haven’t had a serious boyfriend since high school) and I don’t think Mr. Right is going to just land in my lap because I have a blueprint to follow! But gotta hand it to you that the part of having kids in your thirties doesn’t really bothers me much cuz for some strange reason I don’t like the little humans. Ok, now I know most of you wanna take that pitchfork out again!

Here’s what I got out of this article and what I think we should all get out of this article. WORK ISN’T THE END ALL TO BE ALL. Yes, having a career is important. Feeling needed and important and getting praise is all-important. But it’s not all there is to life. Do you want love in your life? Then you need to make that a priority. Really, instead of seeing the controversy to this article, I choose to see another kind of advice.

What we really need in life is balance. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s OK to love your career, but it’s also OK to remember that you don’t need to work until 8PM every night and it’s OK to not work at all on the weekends and it’s OK to check your Match.com profile during lunch (what? who me? I would never!) And it’s ok to get a botox in your 40’s.

life is not fair...

Some people are born with great advantages and others are born with major disadvantages. This is a fact of life that we are faced with from birth…

I usually don’t go around publicizing my woes, but this blog has been my way of letting go of things, sometimes I just want to get things off my chest. Also sometimes I want to see people might understand why I’m where I am in my life, that it’s not all my fault, and I’m strong – but I doubt people would believe half these things, and certainly wouldn't fully understand. But sometimes, I there would be at least one soul who can just listen, instead of telling me “ there are other people out there suffering more than you”… sometimes, I just want someone to say “it’s OK” even when I know it’s not. I just want that one moment of sympathy to keep me going.

I often look around people I work with, I grew up, or someone I just know – who didn’t work hard almost all their lives, and they didn’t have to fight or struggle, yet seem to have everything. Lives a very comfortable life, get to visit or even live in exotic countries, good homes, good parents/husbands, high-flying jobs, social-life, children, upward mobility, and have plenty of time and money to look good.

What more most of them had that I couldn’t is… an opportunity to go to university… to enjoy student life like any normal person and had money in their twenties to spend on partying. I had to work hard just to get little pay and find ways to pay through my college. I spend most of my twenties in poverty and hardships, there were days i had no money to eat and there were days i had no place to stay. Nowadays I find it very hard to face my thirties because I feel like I've missed-out so much on my twenties. It hurts so much thinking back how bad it was... It also hurts now seeing… knowing my friends who have had fun in their twenties and now settling down into cozy family lives and moving on gracefully while I’m in a mad rush to catch-up and sometime I feel like I just can’t do this anymore…

It’s be okay if I was seeing other people and their lives but was still happy with my own life – fact is their lives may not suit me, that’s fine – the thing is that I am not happy with my life. I fail to see how I could feel happy with my life or have self-confident, let alone remain happy when comparing myself to them.

I’m finding it really hard not to get upset at how unfair life can be, why did I have to be the one left behind, the failures, the one who misses out on what all others got so easily? How do you avoid feeling useless and worthless compared to others who’ve achieved more than you just because they were grew up with full of love and never misses anything. This is my only life and I’ve missed out on so much, how do I not feel so helpless and numb at that thought?

These things are not self-imposed, there’re facts of life that can’t be magicked away with positive thinking, and working hard can only do so much to repair the damage or work with what dealt to improve my life – I can also say looking back I didn’t make too many regrettable choices, I can’t see how things could have turned out much different.

I just wish things were much easier…

why i hate rich people...

Because rich people are supposed to get luxuries with little effort, while poor people are supposed to get them by working long hours under lousy conditions for little pay. Really, is that so hard to understand?

When you know you've hit a low point...

I normally park my car at a mall next to my office building and have a nice little walk to office from there. During this walk every morning, I always think about all the places I would rather be than on the way to my job. And it wasn’t a, “Oh man, I really wish I was some beach front right about now” or “Wouldn’t it be nice if I had the day off to sit around in my PJs?”

No, this was serious low point shit.

During my walk, I would pass little cafes, shops & bars. And I would say to myself, “Please, you could own a bar. How hard to own a bar? I should open a bar like tomorrow so I don’t have to go to work at X Company anymore.” That would be great!” The kicker…at one point I actually thought, “I would rather work at a laundry shop. Ironing clothes sounds fun!”

Like really, I thought ironing clothes all day in a hot cleaners sounded like a terrific job next to my 9 to 6 so called corporate job where I basically sat at my desk and answer phones and emails. Talk about a cushy job compared to manual hard labor.

But that’s when I know I hit a low point. My low point was thinking I would rather quit my job and get a job at cleaners.

Today (it's 5am - yesterday actually) was another one of those low points for me. I’m chalking it up to changes going at my current company and within my department specifically. I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

But today I would rather have had a job at cleaners.

ghost attack... in dream!

Coupla nights ago I had this violent dream! The most realistic dream/nightmare I have encountered. This whole experience seemed 100% real as it was happening in my mind.

I, what I thought having trouble breathing, as though something has its hands wrapped around my neck, I can feel this thing sitting knees first down on top of my chest choking my throat, with something holding my arms down. I tried screaming for help but unable to mutter much more that a faint murmur, due to the being’s hands wrapped around my throat. I remember where I was able to somewhat fight this thing off my body and forcing myself to wake up/open my eyes. But I realize this being was back the moment I started to doze off again and I could felt a surge of pressure being applied to my body by this being again and again.

After several minutes of trying to fight this being off my body, I started to communicate with this being by asking it the name... (crazy right… I know I do crazy things even in my own dream!?) Anyway, I recall there wasn’t clear answer from it though I remember hearing a female voice. Well then realizing something is seriously not right I recollect an old Hinduism saying that chanting Lord Shiva’s mantra would ward off evil spirits. I, somewhat have been involving myself into some pious activities lately remembered some mantras at that point and I started to recite them continuously. Than what seemed to be 5 or 10 minutes later, I physically woke up, for real, and threw the pillows and quilt off and turned on the lights and headed straight to my prayer alter to light my prayer lamps. Then I realize it was 7.30ish… pm and there was no one else in the apartment. I suppose it was a wrong timing for a nap!

But, all I could put down to this is it was just a dream. Is there a psychological meaning behind it? Or was it a supernatural thing? Naturally I’m a trouble sleeper, I only get to sleep from 2 to 4 hours a day, may be my exhausted body with years of lack of sleep is trying to sent some message to me. But why it has to be violent? Seriously, this is the first time for me with no previous occurrence of any of this kind before. In the past, on coupla occasions I have had what I believe to be a “good” dream with my deceased father. But none of them were the violent kind - they were all good.

Recalling back similar stories I heard from friends & relatives in the past, wonder if it could be more of a sleep paralysis syndrome? I guess, from now on I’ll stop making fun of my friends who actually been through similar experiences. I’ve been reading some stories in the net, there were both psychological & and mythical interpretations for this. However, the interesting pieces were from my mom and uncle. Mom’s interpretation was along with her usual scolding is being coming really late almost every day could have caused this as that “something” might have followed me back… (I know - she is impossible right). And of course my uncle requested me to ask for a 4D number the next time I experience the similar thing.

Anyway, if it’s a paralysis syndrome, I wonder can “ghosts” visit in dreams. I didn’t think it was possible? Nevertheless, this incident has freaked me completely.

cramps cramps cramps... help!

I know that i have to get ready for work in coupla hours, but i'm still tossing and turning in bed. I'm having a friggin awful period pain and I could’ve taken some painkillers except for the fact I have some sorta psychological macho thing against pills. It’s been a long time since I have to endure period pain like what I am experiencing now. Sharp stabbing pains that bring me to tears. It’s like having contractions, but it comes and goes. It is not normal pain; it is excruciating type of pain. and this time around my boobs are hurting really bad as well, i couldn't lean over anything.

If I remembered correctly one gynae told me the pain will reduce significantly with age but it seemed to be getting worst but then again what would I benchmark the pain against since my period is very irregular?Before you suggest, yes, I had seen many doctors and each time was given a hell lot of medication to take to regulate them but none seemed to work.

 

R.I.P - Amy Winehouse

My goodness, Amy Winehouse has died. She was only 27... too young... with wounded soul. I can really feel her!  It's sad, she died broken and alone. Well, perhaps it's better of this way, I think she is happy where she is at now.

Either way, R.I.P Amy Winehouse.  

Rainforest World Music Festival 2011

Unexpectedly, I went to the Borneo Rainforest World Music Festival 2011 @ Kuching last week. An unexpected (all paid for) invitation from a friend’s friend! It was quite an exhausting experience, but it was one I’ll never forget. There’s nothing quite like the atmosphere at the festival ground of Sarawak Cultural Village. The three days packed with magical music-workshops, mini-concerts and action-packed nightly shows. I’ve got to admit this Festival has definitely put Sarawak on the world map. I was quite astonished to see number of tourists congregate this place just for the festival. It is truly a place where people regardless of their ethnicity, cultural backgrounds and music interest come together to have time of their lives. And, seeing people from all walks of lives, different shapes and colors is simply entertaining and gives that feeling of being in my own habitation. And I realize number of things that we all had in common at the festival is the love for music, party, booze and all other foolishness comes along with it.

We had two-day pass with entry into all of the music workshops. The first day we looked around all the craft stalls, into some of the longhouses, attended number of music workshops, watched number of mini-concerts and mostly just walked around the cultural village. In the evening, we sat on the concrete/grass ground overlooking the main stages for the actual performances. Unfortunately, we had to leave early (on both days) and missed out some of the performances especially the Blue Canyon Boys from USA on a first day and Kissmet the Bhangra guys from UK on last day. Well, I was just way too tired.

All in all, I had awesome time at Sarawak. It is a place of mystery, exotic adventures, hornbills, friendly people, orang utans and some fun. I’m definitely coming back next year.

life goes on no matter how...

Don’t even ask. It’s one of those days…

A song, a story… and you end up crying. That’s life!

The flashbacks are running in mind like there is no tomorrow. You really start thinking about everything… and I really mean EVERYTHING. Sometimes I wish I could say my life is perfect. It’s not. It’s not even close to being perfect. It’s somewhere… without a clear definition. If I would suggest that I’m always right and say the right things… I would lie to myself and moreover to the entire universe. I don’t think there’s anyone who is perfect out there. We all make mistakes, every single day. We pretend to not care but inside we’re hurt, deeply. We think we’re over these fights and insults, but we’re not. Every single one of them hurts. Again and again we hurt each other and don’t even realize it. I start to wonder in what kind of world are we living.

I’ve been bad to everyone lately… I know it’s not fair to punish the whole world for my issues. But sometimes you cannot explain things that go through in our head. You can’t even say a word out, or express your feelings. I guess I’m just a screw-up, someone who can never do anything right and lives in my own world of imagination. I’m a person who wants to be a better person, but chooses the wrong path all the time. The sad part is no one understands me, I’m standing alone! Its kinda sadness overwhelms your entire body leaving you feeling weak and tired... and resentful sometime. And you can’t even sleep cause the sadness is in your dreams too.

“So, please don’t judge me because…. You don’t know me well” - no one knows what I’m going through. “So, please don’t punish me because…. You don’t know me all”

Real people aren’t perfect, perfect people aren’t real. And, I’m sorry I’ve hurt some of you… we hurt each other all the time but without the pain we would not know how life without pain is like. But is it worth all the trouble and tears? Maybe… under certain circumstances! Well… somehow. All the pain and all the trouble we go through in our lives teaches us a lesson. A lesson we would not be able to understand that easily otherwise. Naturally we want to fight the cause of the pain; we want to make it better the next time. That’s the lesson life gives us every time we get hurt.

Still, we all got the right to a beautiful life. At the end no one is perfect. We don’t need to be the best; we just need to be our best. That’s what makes us perfect in our own way. It’s not about what we have, it’s about what make out of it. And I hope someone will understand that and accept me the way I am…

  

the eternal wife... dance, drama & dazzle!

Watching an Indian classical dance show isn’t the first time for me, but watching a classical indian tragedy dance drama with the touch of a kama sutra would be the first time experience. What is more incredible is the dancers were consisting of diverse shapes, colours and from various ethnical backgrounds. Also, the startling part is the show starts with a performance of worshiping of the Lord Shiva with the setting of a Shiva temple; In-fact there were many abinayas (gesture) in the performance throughout the show in regards to worshipping of Lord Shiva. Let me tell you this, Lord Shiva is a hindu God… he is like an ultimate form of Hinduism! And, seeing these performers (from various ethnical background) express their movements and techniques of an indian classical dance flawlessly and most importantly without prejudice is something I didn't expect to see... not in this land! The dancers were absolutely remarkable in articulate their abinayas and hastas... in a pure hindu way! The eye movements, the hand gestures and every single step were performed immaculately despite the fact that some of the dancers were not actually trained to perform bharathanatyam originally. And, seeing them dancing seriously made me shed some tears cause I missed the chance of completing my bharathanatyam.

I have to admit that the choreographer, directors and everyone else involves in this production did an amazing job!

And, I also must say that in a way, it’s an eye opener for me too, because... you see, despite the fact that I’ve always been fascinated by Malaysian Art Loving Community, you know, the kind of people that love theatre, music and plays... I have to confess that once or twice I’ve made some fun remarks of these people, perhaps it’s because of their individuality and how they expressed these things. But now I get it… I totally get it! These are group of people who might dress-up or even behave oddly in times but what they all have in common is that they love art... without boundaries (& bigotry). So, thanks anu... for taking me along for these shows. Believe it or not it actually helps me a lot! Because when I’m with these people somehow I feel very relaxed and easy as if I’m at my world with my kinda people who speak my language! And they don’t look at me in a weird way...

escapism or desperate move from reality...

I have fallen down into the addictive world of light romantic fiction (or chick lit)… again. This happens to me every now and then. Since I have disconnected my cable and sick of watching same stuff over and over in my dvd player… I’d picked up my old habit of reading at home. However, no matter how many wonderful other books I have in my book shelves, no matter how many months/years I have waited to read them, all I want to do is curl up with my chick lit featuring a twenty-something heroine, a well-matched hero and a happy ending. I’m not sure if this counts as simple escapism anymore or whether it has spilled over into desperate-move-from-reality territory.

What really surprising is just few years back I was big ridiculous book snob. If it had a pink cover, I would not go near it. If it was on a bestseller list, I would not touch it. If it had the Oprah mark of approval, all it earned from me was a sneer. Oh yes, I was delightful and not at all annoying as an adolescent.

It is strange that these are the books I get the most comfort from these days, be they by Sophie Kinsella, Cecelia Ahern, Melissa Hill or any other light romance writer, are books that I turned my nose up at so violently nowadays. In early days my prejudice against these genre lasted far longer than any of my other snobbish inclinations, right up until the last few years. I had this mental image of the kind of women who read these books as either mindless housewives or desperate old maids, locked up with their books and their cats. And there is nothing I am more afraid of in life than becoming one of those old maids – and not just because I’m not a big fan of cats, which seem to be a required accessory. I read these books because they entertain me and make me happy and because, logically, I know that there is no single ‘type’ of reader for these books, not given their massive popularity. But then my mother spots me with one of these books, reminds me that I am thirty something and alone, and that the only one of those things that is going to change if I keep reading those books is my age, and the image of the old maid and her cats surges back into my mind. But it is a vicious circle: the more my mother chides me for reading, the more I want the comfort and escapism books provide.

I don’t really know how to conclude this. As yet, there clearly is no conclusion for me. I just (just! Ha!) want my life to be a little more novel-esque – any meaningful plot development, any new characters, any romance would be an improvement over its current trajectory – but freeze when it comes to making any changes that would lead to such progress. So, sometimes, I read instead, as a substitute for having new experiences of my own. And I kind of hate that about myself.

cause I've got one hand in my pocket...

Alanis Morissette’s song Hand in My Pocket from her Jagged Little Pill album is playing in my Mp3 player as I write this... I've never been a great interpreter of song lyrics, but I’ve always liked this one for its ambiguity. It seems to be saying to me that there are two sides to everything. One hand is in the pocket and the other one is doing something else... It’s like when things are not going really great, you don’t have to look over your shoulder and that life has a wonderful randomness to it...

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry, baby

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty, baby...

How odd as I just realized that the song seems totally appropriate (word by word) for me (except for the part I’m young and underpaid, well, I am underpaid but not sure ‘bout the young part). The song actually reflects exactly how I feel right now! And, the thing is Alanis is about my age right now and this song was written almost 15 years ago! And I remember, I felt as if it was my theme-song back then when it was newly released and how strangely it's stilllll reflects how I feel right this moment... after 15 years! Was it me... who hasn't been evolving (in a good way) all this time or was it the song that is so incredibly wonderful that it could possibly plays a significant part at any age...

Sirilah Raman... Perplexed!

the notebook... can we live up to it!

What I’ve learnt in recent days is, no matter how independent and self-sufficient we are it is still always nice to be looked after and to be loved unconditionally. It provides a sense of security, similar to that of when we were young and our parents looked after us. For those who have seen the movie “Notebook”, in the film, you can see clearly that Noah the hero loves Ally at her best and at her worst and he stands by her no matter what. The film literally takes the traditional marriage vows and has Noah live by example with them ‘in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health, for better for worse, for richer for poorer’.

To see that he has stood by her like this makes any woman melt at her knees. May be that is why most women (like me) will always love the movie. But the fun part is most men I’ve known dislike the movie because they think that a man like Noah does not really exist. Also, we have to remember that it is just a movie and is romanticized for the purpose of selling the story.

However, keep in mind ladies that your man may not be like Noah, but maybe he can offer you something better… something real. So what if he does not write 365 letters to you? If he makes you laugh, and holds you when you cry, and loves you despite your meltdowns, then he is a wonderful man. Who wants perfection anyway!?   

I'm ready...

Ready to celebrate and cherish the moments…

To go out for what I want without any guarantees…

To leave behind the things that wrong for me…

Ready to forgive…

Ready to face all of life’s unexpected twist…

To pursuit happy ending which may never come…

To let go when it’s too pain to hold on…

Ready to turn the page!

is there more?

Have you ever asked yourself why do bad things happen to good people? I have, and recently find myself across this question more than usual.

The past week has taught me some new lessons and reminded me of ones I learned in the past as well. Over the last few months I’ve been dealing with some personal things. For a starter, my mom’s health has been deteriorating knowing for sure that I’m going to lose her soon. She might not have been a good mother to me though she is one of those really kind hearted, gentle and compassionate person I’ve ever known. The painful part is beneath the serene image of hers I know that she is fighting for her life. Often I find myself deliberately pick a fight with her so that I will not get too attached. Meanwhile, my finances have gone down the drain while struggling to pay my bills and to make ends meet. And, not to mention the medical bill that had sky rocked. With all this, I’m sitting here wondering why bad things always seem to happen to us. Are we bad? Then, why are we the one who suffer, struggle against adversity and facing all this obstacles in life? Life isn’t fair, it’s never been fair to me and something tells me that it never will be.

I am a professional woman who is hard-working, faithfully showed up every day, worked extra hours and took work home at night to complete it when necessary. Take extra initiatives to do things at work, completed all assigned task and additional tasks sometime. I have contributed… and contributed… and contributed… to the company. But that is still not enough for the people with lifelong mission is to make the rich richer, the kinda people who run the world at their own terms.

I have spent all my life being strong, independent and self-sufficient woman, depending on no one but me – yet there was I… stood there sobbing uncontrollably, way out of my character, pleading if he could adjust my salary hoping there would be a ‘human’ in him somewhere deep down in his heart… to no avail! Even a small change in my pay could have made huge difference at my current stage. All I wanted was to be able to pay my mother’s medical bill that had snowballed over the years but he would rather give it to those who don’t even need it. I would have owe my life to him if he would have shown at least little bit of compassion… but he chosed not to! Of course I can’t blame him… it’s the world that filled with cruelty! And It’s all kinda strange, but it seems as if god takes certain people and gives them terrible hardships. I hardly ask for help from anyone! So, you can imagine how devastated I was when I found myself in his room pleading for help. Being poor is not something new to me though this time around it’s different… and it’s involves another person and i have look after my mom, i'm afraid that there might be more bills that to come in future and i have no idea how to handle all by myself. This is when i feel like when bad things keep happening again and again I feel like I’ve being punished in some way by the universe for no reason.

Life may be asking us to experience conditions of hardship to elevate or compassion. It may want to tenderize us or have us stand forth our integrity. It may be that life has a job for us and we need to develop certain qualities to make it work. Or we may need to drop certain other qualities. Anyway, like I said earlier I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week and I’ve looked at my own life and those around me. I looked at people who still manage to love in spite of all the bad things that have happened to them. The thing is, will I be able to do the same? With everything that has been going on, will I ever be able to let that all go… all the hatred and resentment and to give it up to god. Last coupla days, I have been trying very hard to forgive him and keep encouraging myself to allow to-be open to life. But as I’m writing this post while tears keep flowing and flowing I’m keep wondering why he had to do this to me? What did I ever do to him? It’s like the world is made of ocean of cruelty and inhumanity and I don’t think I will ever understand this no matter how many lifetimes I live. It’s times like this I’m trying very hard to renew my faith in god and assure me that may be I can learn to love him again.

I’m kinda nervous to hit “publish” on this one.

good triumphs over evil? i doubt that!

I am curious where people stand on this topic. It seems to be one of those that float around in various subjects such as religion and spirituality. With the common belief that "don't worry because in the end, good always triumphs over evil."

I am of the belief that it is just a fairy tale. I think that a more accurate statement is that most of the time evil triumphs over good and it’s not the other way round. Trust me, I just had a sudden experience meeting a living proof of an evil!

Our world is built on power. The people who run the world have all the power - the same amoral people who will get away with things. And of course the other group - decent, gentle and kind people are pretty much screwed in this world.

I guess we can look at when "good has triumphed over evil". Probably a prime example would be the allies defeating the Nazi's in WWII. Unfortunately though, we are far from some sort of benevolent entity. The history surrounding WWII doesn't show a whole lot of "good" anywhere, just varying degrees of evil. We keep replacing one master with another. The end is still the same. Average people exploited for the benefit of the few.

Sometime I really wish I could believe that in the end good will triumphs over evil, but right now I only think it is something we tell ourselves so we can sleep at night.

sleep tight...

I have to be up in roughly four hours to get ready for work. Why am I not asleep?

Because going to sleep involves turning the music off, disconnecting from the internet, getting in my bed and clearing my head in order to drift off to sleep... Can I clear my head, though? Not at all.

I'll cry if i want to...

Last coupla weeks has been trying and nerve-racking; and there were several moments where I wanted to burst out crying in the office. Yes, I am going to admit it, I am an emotional person. There was even a point in the week when an old friend called to get an update and I just explained I couldn't talk work stuff because I was at work and I didn't want to have a break down. Let me just say this, working in a large organisation has been beyond stressful.

This got me thinking though, how many of you have cried in the workplace? Seen a colleague cry? And how do you handle it?

Stress is my major point of weakness when it comes to wanting to burst out into tears. It may be long hours, some insane and demonically possesed people at work or a pending deadline that goes off track, but crying is a source of release for me. In the beginning of my career, managing this kind of stress was so new to me that it lead to many crying sessions and more than I would care to admit. However over the last several years I have gotten better about managing this stress and have learned how awful it really is to cry in front of my colleagues and bosses. It makes me feel weak and less respected, so now I avoid it all costs.

For me, learning to manage my tears has come with time and I know there are still lots to learn when it comes to stress management. Here are several things that I do:

· Take a short 5-10 min toilet break
· Take a coffee or lunch break
· Do something personal to clear my mind off of work
· Walk outside and make a phone call
· Make a to do list to map out how I am going to get everything done
· Take deep breaths
· Turn on my mp3 player for a little bit

One thing I learned not to do unless I have a friend working with me that I trust, is to go crying to a colleague. If my tears are about to come when I am talking to someone, I quickly end the conversation and head for a private location.

Now reversing roles, what do you do if its someone else who is shedding tears? When this happens to me, my number one thought is get them out of sight of everyone else who might be able to see that they are crying. I usually suggest we get out of the office to continue to address what is going on. Then from there I make sure they know I am there for them and this session will be between us only. If its stress I try to unburden them and see what I can do to take a load from them, otherwise I just listen and try to be a good listener-and that's all.

Maybe god always has a reason for allowing bad things to happen

This is not a political post but I would like to underline few issues that some of us are facing on daily basis in our lives. These are serious issues and sometime I wonder why not many are taking it seriously? Some of us are even have become immune to it. It’s discrimination; in my opinion we all have the right to not be discriminated against based on simple things like gender, race or even size of our waist. And I strongly agreeing to the fact that in life naturally liberals tend to have two sets of rules, one set that applies to all of those who liberals label as ‘victims’, and another set of rules that apply to everyone else.

Most types of discriminations are very subtle. While not legal, these discriminations happen on daily basis and believe it or not almost all of us being discriminated one way or another in our lives. And if you can prove it’s happening you might have legal remedies, but how can you prove it? More often than not, you can’t. For example, one of the worst places for such discrimination is in the workplace. Imagine, you just won’t get that promotion, raise or that special bonus you've been hoping for and you may “know” that it’s because you’re belong to that minority group or you belong to a weaker gender (as if we gonna get PMS and ruin the whole empire) or just because you are an overweight person. Now you tell me, how can we prove this? by complaining it to the authorities? I don’t think any of this going to work… the truth is, there is nothing you can do about it! You just have to accept the faith! Or perhaps look for better place to work; the think is no one can assure that you will not face the similar problem at the other place.

When the news of some colleagues receiving promotions or a higher salary than us certainly creates all sorts of negative feelings among employees. So, when it happens to me, I assume it would be a right timing for me to present my case asking for salary review. I guess one of the biggest taboos at work is to talk about salary; it creates dissatisfaction among both employees & employers. I was just plain curious why some get to climb the ladder much faster than the rest… because they are really better than us or was it because they are prettier & glamour-er than us? Oooooor was it because their hair is much straighter than mine!!?? I must also say that most people are normally not content with their salaries, I know I do sometime I guess it’s a normal human condition. Some even goes to the extend of believing that they are the one working harder that the rest – but in my case, I had pretty acceptable reasons and I said it loud and clearly – in fact I l listed in bullet points that I do deserve this. And, I didn't say that I am better than them, I just said that I’m equally talented and I deserve a chance as well.

It has been a while since I request for this with my work place – I guess it has been deliberately forgotten since there was no whatsoever response from them. Of course then there were all sorts of questions keep popping up in my head… What went wrong here? I'm not saying that I have been discriminated here but I'm keep wondering what is the problem? Why am I not getting any answers? Or perhaps my performance is actually not so good? Maybe my superior is not happy with something I did which I’m not aware of? Or perhaps it is all because of the skin colour… because I’m not one of them! Or even because I’m fat and not fit to work and that I’m a slob… How can I figure this out unless they would have at least tried to acknowledge my request! Why i was not even given a chance?

Seriously, with this kind of treatment I’m getting, how can I not to contemplate the fact that there is a discrimination factor here? … are they are saying that all those people are really better than me? If seriously they are not then why can't they at least consider looking at request and work through my strengths and guide me with my weaknesses so that I’ll have my fair chance in future? Now, it all seems like they not right! It’s more like who I am or rather what colour is my skin rather than what I can do for this organisation :(

I guess it’s normal because believe it or not I am one of those who have been affected in a great length in my whole life - being discriminated in the past and it's still going on... I actually learnt the hard way of being a minority in a society and it was not easy. Discrimination against race, gender and being fat is happening everyday. I also learnt that being me at this point of time - in this country - is certainly not a hip thing. And no one who is not an INDIAN FEMALE & OBESE will ever understands this… As for me, for all the trails I've encountered; I am still far from being humble or patient on things like this. However, the only consolation I have right now is, I just tell myself everyday that maybe god always has a reason for allowing bad things to happen.

all i need is...

A really great kiss!

I can't recall the last time I actually kissed someone....

Well OK, yeah...there was one peck on the cheek with that little Lokesh last week – but that doesn’t count cause he is only two.

And I did kiss my ex once during his visit – that was the goodbye kiss which was actually quite nice and very sweet. But that was nearly coupla years ago! Oh... that OTHER guy in Penang, I forgot his name… and that was like more than a year ago.

I want that anticipation of leaning in...lips inches apart...the sound of a man's racing heart echoing in my own chest.

I want the feeling of his fingers carressing my skin as his lips brush against mine.

I want my toes to tingle.

I want someone to kiss me...and really mean it.

eat, drink & party!

We arrived safe and sound at Langkawi, the second trip to Langkawi with Anu. On our way to our hotel, Awana Porto Malai, we drove along the popular Pantai Chenang and it was full of foreigners/westerners. Once we got into our room, it must have taken us only 3-4 minutes before we set on our journey to explore the island from there. We just felt like driving around and listening to music. So, after a late lunch at “T-Jays”, we decided to go to Kuah town to check out some duty-free stuff.

Our preferred mode of transportation on Langkawi had a little mishap on our 1^st day at the island due to over-excitement & compilation of funny luck, fortunately we all survived the little bad-luck with very little damage to our pockets.

After the mishap turned miracle escape we drove back to Pantai Chenang in our rental and spent rest of the afternoon doing nothing but chilling-out by the beach and watching lot of foreigners and Rastafarian look-alike locals playing volleyball by the beach. It was a great atmosphere with the odd Jet Ski buzzing around despite the place feeling really laid-back. For the first time in ages, I actually felt like I was in a real holiday.

I could say that Langkawi is, in a way, understated – it is beautiful up to the point where it wasn't a huge tourist destination like Ko Samui or Bali. Sometime I wonder the island is so ridiculously beautiful that the rest of the world failed to catch on. Anyway, I like it because of the laid-back, small, friendly people and cheap factors. And, this time around I met some great people too, people were super duper times by hundred nicer than people back here in KL.

On our second day we took a ride on a cable car to the top of a mountain with a great view of the whole island. Anu had some fun there with her cool Heineken hat :). Then, we spend the afternoon back at Pantai Chenang, walking from one end of the beach to other and occasional dip into the warm sea. We felt like we were finally in paradise. There were lots of nice restaurants lined up and down along Pantai Chenang and people fly across the blue sky on their para sail or across the crystal sea on their jet ski. Before long, we were ready for a shower and we head back to our hotel to get ready for the night ahead.

We had our dinner at what calls itself a best Indian restaurant in Langkawi. It’s bordering on south/north Indian cuisine and the service was superb, partly because Anu is somewhat related to the owner.

Leaving the restaurant we went back to Pantai Chenang for our boat trip to take us to the Full-Moon party at Monkey Island. The boat trip was bit frightening though the trip worth every penny. After an evening of dancing and laughing we get into the ‘Rastafarian style’ boat back to the Pantai Chenang and drove back to our hotel and Anu and I are asleep by… oooo… as early as 4 or 5am. It was a fun evening especially we giggling about the whole scenario.

All in all, a whirlwind experience and fabulous 3 days! It went by too quickly, as it always does, but of course it’s nice to be “home” in KL. Sorry it’s taken me bit long to post this, but hopefully it is thoroughly detailed and makes you just a little jealous :).

who started the love/hate relationship?

A recent trip to boss’s office reminded me how easy it is to hate people just because they have authority over you. I went over to him with the intention of clarifying few issues that didn’t go well in the earlier meeting. However, the second discussion turned out worst than the first one as we both ended up saying things that we shouldn’t be saying to each other… well, at least I know I did!

I’ve got to agree that my boss is a no-nonsense kinda guy. If he’s sitting in front of you it can be for one or two reasons. Either you screwed up pretty badly (like the both incidents pertaining to my previous subordinates) or he wants to ask you a question he already has the answers to.

Meeting him face-to-face was a big mistake! Truth be told, he has been quite gracious to me throughout my tenure here. But I have to admit that the distance between me and him is measured in miles! (not literally though cuz on the surface he is kinda close me) what i meant was - he is so close to some of us yet so far away! I guess when you’re far away you tend to make things up in your mind on how people are then what they are in reality.

Nowadays, I find that he is often inconsistent with his approach telling me one thing and expecting another. And as usual me being the big rebel, told him what’s on my mind the other day though what I’ve failed to do is to get my facts straight before shooting my complaints. My mistake! I remember the days when I was totally into him – you know when he hires me and shows some favours...etc. But somehow along the way it all got turned the other way around.

Is he my “parent” now? What am I – a chopped liver?

in a mood...

Rainy days and the impending holiday season...

I don't know what it is about the combination of the two...but they've landed me on my bed snuggled up in blankets, spending the whole day watching every romanctic movie I own, wishing I had someone here to cuddle up to.

Instead, I'm alone.

So I snuggle deeper in the blankets...allowing other men's words to wash over me. And for one brief moment in time, I can pretend they were meant for me.

i'm back... after a breakdown!

Here I am getting ready to go home from work and getting back into the swing of things! It has been a busy day and I am lagging further behind than I like but at least I'm moving. What I would like to share is, I had a wonderful time during the weekend. It was suppose to be the Thanks Giving weekend at some part of the world - its not that I get to celebrate the holiday here but still… thanks giving is one of my most favourite holiday - it’s really awesome). Anyway, on Saturday I went to see my godfather, had long chat with him! And I had forgotten how cool it to be talking to him especially when he’s sober :) and of course some outing with my friend as usual. And then, on Sunday morning after a long needed nap, we all went for lunch... which prolonged till supper :)

The thing nowadays is, maybe age affirming, but I often get stressed out, and sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me. There, I said I! We all have a “thing” right… and “freakingout” is my thing. My mom tells me constantly that I need to learn to face my problems instead of kicking out or trying to run away. But what if I am my own number one problem? How do you run away from yourself?

What worst is lately I’ve felt myself losing the grip. I’ve got a lot going on, but don’t we all? I used to curb my shitty days with food, shopping, vodka or just by taking long drive in my car. But whatever I do is no longer the outlet for my stress and I’m not sure what to do sometime. I can’t eat my way through it... I can’t indulge in retail therapy (I’m kinda broke nowadays to be honest) and my first impulse is to “get away” but I suppose that is my old escapist mentality talking.

So... what I've just did is renewed my gym membership at True Fitness (yes, they are still cut-throat) but I remember I used to enjoy my weekend workouts. Exercising used to help relieve my anxiety a lot and I was probably one of those rare people who likes to workout and still eat like a pig everyday… hehe. So, this is it… I’m going back to Gym!

Wish me luck!

is this normal...

I barely left bed in last few days… feel like I’ve lost most of my abilities! Didn’t eat or wash for two days… Is this normal! I do wanna get back to work tomorrow… I do wanna feel normal, but I don’t know how. The best way I can explain how i feel is: imagine someone has had a stroke and has to learn to walk and talk again… that’s how I feel mentally, as if I’ve just lost my ability to do anything.

someday i'll learn...

I had the brilliant idea to go ice skating. Me...a klutz. A girl with no coordination... A girl that runs into walls. A girl who, (completely sober) would still fail a field test of walking a straight line.

Yes, that girl (me) strapped on a pair of rental skates, threw caution to the wind and eased my way onto the ice.

It took about 2.2 seconds to realize that I had lost my mind.

I was happened to be at Sunway Pyramid on Saturday morning… ok, it was not a co-incident. I had to be there to support my so called bowling team from office… anyway, since the game didn’t turn out as I expected, I left early. Then I remembered the ice skating!

Since there was no elegant gliding, no effortless maneuvering or fancy footwork… No no...those things were replaced with cursing, stumbling, and more cursing. I resorted to clinging to the edge of the rink as if it were my life preserver, maintaining a death grip while cautiously scooting my way around the arena. Moments of panic came at points when other skaters were resting against the edge of the rink, directly ahead of me. Forcing me to let go of safety, say a quick prayer and try to glide past them to the other side.

Most of my efforts were successful. One was not. I was faintly aware of everything moving in slow motion. I felt my foot catch and my body loses balance. I remember thinking, "Oh Damn! No! No no no no no!!! Please no! Everyone's watching!" Then everything went white. Followed by the oddest sensation of feeling that while my butt was terribly cold...my face was burning with fire.

All in all it was good fun, though it's not something I'm in a terrible hurry to try again.

so... it was my birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday!!! I think I handled it pretty well. Thank goodness I have a lot friends and family members to celebrate' it with me!!

We had a really fun day. It started out with midnight wish calls, first one is from 3 years old Teerthan, my darling from Klang.

And, I got to eat out lots this week for my birthday, which is one of my favorite things to do!!! And, I received lots of fun presents. The best being from my friend, she gave me a Charles & Keith purse!!! I LOVE purses so much and have wanted one for a long time now.

I was with group of people who means a lot to me for the whole day, we spent the day driving around, Klang, Banting & Morib. It was such a beautiful day out.

Later in the evening I had fun dinner & chat session at bangsar Chillis with Anu!

Though i was bit disappointed as i didn't hear from that one person that i was expecting to hear from... perhaps he didn't know! But It was still a super fun birthday!!

Thank you to all of you for the birthday wishes throughout the day!!