Second Chances...

Second chances! We don’t get many of them in life, do we? And when we do, are we even aware that they’re happening to us? I’m going to have to guess sometimes yes and sometimes no. I’m sure it depends on how important they are to your life and how much that second chance can change you.

I’ve had a few and I’m so thankful they came when they did. I think everyone deserves a few in their lifetime. We all make mistakes. We all have missed opportunities. Maybe the timing was all wrong. May be we weren’t ready. Or may be we were just blind to that chance and let it slip through our fingers…

Since I’ve started to read this book by Monica Murphy, Second Chance Boyfriend, I’ve been thinking a lot about second chances. Luckily enough, Drew and Fable do get their second chance at love. But they also get second chances at a lot of things in their life. It’s subtle running theme throughout the book. And I’ve been asking myself this question all time to myself…

Given a second chance at love, when is it worth the risk?

I know I’m not really fooling anyone. At my core, behind certain walls erected to better protect me, underneath the heartbreaks and bruises, I am an incurable romantic. I believe in the trans-formative power of love; both to the receiver and the giver. And yes, I suppose there is a part of me still believes that true love is worth fighting and waiting for that it reigns supreme in the end. Yet I recently was put in the position to question myself; given a second chance at love, when is it worth the risk?  

My "Ganglion" cyst surgery

The pain started about a year ago thinking that it was a re-occurrence of an old injury. I chose to ignore it first though few months later I found a bone or so I thought it was, “popping” out of my wrist. As time goes by I realize the lump was getting bigger and the sharp pain on my wrist was getting more excruciating. In the end I decided to seek medical help and called the nearest hospital to my office (Prince Court Hospital) for an appointment with the specialist. The hospital recommended Dr Palani, a hand micro-surgeon (later I realized that he is the famed surgeon who attached back the severed hand of an insurance agent who was attacked and robbed in Ampang few months ago).  Well, my diagnosis was - a “ganglion” cyst! Usually these types of cyst are harmless though unfortunately mine was found pressing on my veins and nerves, which causes the immense pain from wrist to the arm and sometime numbness at my fingers. The pain comes and goes but for the most part it was uncomfortable. So, I thought let’s get this taken care of…

Since it’s not the standard type of surgery for ganglion cyst (which is performed normally under outpatient procedure), I was scheduled for a surgery that requires admission; under a General Anesthesia (GA). The plan was to go in, remove the cyst, clean up the bone, and fuse some nerves together. It was not my first surgery though I must admit that I was quite afraid to go under the knife again. I was more nervous about how bad it would hurt after the surgery because the doctor has warned that my ganglion cyst is buried at lunate bone and he may have to dig in to remove the cyst completely.

Anyway, the surgery lasted about 2 hours, longer than what I’ve anticipated though thankfully everything went well.  When I woke up, I was at the observation area. All I know is I couldn’t move my body and was just there laying flat. But I managed to take a peek at my hand which was all wrapped up heavily with bandages. The funny thing is that I also realized that I was actually crying a bit when I woke up. I think my body must have felt the pain and just cried like that. Anyway, since the pain was pretty excruciating I decided to bring my self back to sleep mode to avoid the un-comfortableness… somehow the nurse wanted me to stay awake, apparently, my body oxygen level drops whenever I dozed off. Post op recovering process is pretty damn rough especially for first few hours with the usual side-effects of the GA, scratchy and painful throat caused by the breathing tube that was inserted during the surgery, effects of the anesthesia gases inhaled and of course the nausea and vomiting. And, finally when my breathing and everything else stabilized, they pushed me back to my room/ward. The thing is with all those pain and unpleasant moment, all that I had in my head was WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO SERVE MY FOOD?!

Luckily the nausea and vomiting didn’t last long as how it was in last two occasions. I was able to sip my soup slowly as soon as they deliver the food. About an hour later (after the surgeon’s visit) I felt much better and the pain subsides partly due to the local anesthesia/numbing agent that was injected in the area. The surgeon mentioned that when he open-up, the cyst looked really bad and they had to dig in deeply to clean it and had to fuse some nerves (& tendon) together. And because of this, the pain and swelling will probably last little longer than the usual recovery time-line for ganglion cyst surgeries.

Well, as far as progress since the surgery, I’ve gotten a lot of range of motion back in my left hand though my wrist flexion still sucks. 

As per today, I’m still struggling to

1)      tie my hair

2)      typing

3)      getting dress up (especially hooking the bra)

4)      driving  

5)      Etc.

The obligatory New Year post…

So, it’s reached that stage of proceedings when I feel that I ought to jump on the annual band-wagon and review my year in some meaningful way. There’s a lot that could be said:  It’s been undeniably tough and busy, but ultimately it’s mostly been fun and potentially life-changing.

2012 was the year when I truly decided to pursue my career in earnest. I suppose the highlight would be my career change. I’ve landed in what I may call a dream job. My new job has been equally challenging and fun. Finally after years of drifting, doing odd stuff in the name of career, I'd found a right direction! Also, the career change has lead towards swapping my guilt-free spare time for shelves of new work-related books, journals and exercise books of hurriedly scribbled notes. It’s been a challenge trying to fit the study between full-time job and my other stuff... but I am still genuinely enjoying it. 

Right after a series of turbulence or you may call it a disaster… in my previous work place. It was a total devastation that i thought why on earth the universe is making me to cross the path to hell-hole... but the realization now is, of course it is also the life-altering part... where my new job comes with attractive remuneration package and a whole new perspective of work in a fast lane :) Finally I'm able to clearly see how much I’m worth! My skills, knowledge and what I actually could achieve work-wise is actually being valued and rewarded equally with no bigotry. And most importantly my voice is being heard and my words actually carry some sorta weight around here. Isn’t it wonderful?

Plus, in 2012, I’ve also gained a whole heap of lovely new friends and also managed to get in touch with some child-hood/old friends (thanks to FB & LinkedIn) along the way and have had some amazing opportunities to boot (where does that phrase come from, by the way?).

Anyway, with all this life altering stuff going on in my life, still managed to squeeze in number of fruitful vacation time. Of course the best part would be my two fabulous Langkawi breaks. One with my dear friend @Anu and the other one with… let just say family & friends. And, of course my other fabulous trip would be the one with my new colleagues to Tioman Island. It was equally memorable one though I realized my new found friends/colleagues are rather young and keeping up with their energy level is quite stressful for me. Apart from this, throughout the year my weekend drive-about trips to Malacca city, water-fall lookouts at Pahang, PD getaways and Jalan-Jalan trip to Penang was equally enjoyable.   

Anyway, it has not all been plain sailing by any means, believe me, but ultimately I end the year feeling very grateful for everything and especially all the people in my life (including the ones responsible for making it difficult) and everything I’ve been able to do… I mean, if it’s not because of my certain ex-boss aka Mr Titspervert (yes, he stares at my tits... sometimes) I wouldn’t have landed this great job and able to feel secure both money-wise (after years of financial disability) and mentally (like a boost to my self-esteem and respect). Therefore, no matter how much I would like him to drop dead; I still had to thank him for letting me go. 

Do I have any New Year’s resolutions this year? Nope. Not really. But I’ve decided to spend more time and my hard earn cash in traveling. Venice, Vatican, Verona and of course beautiful Rome, an area with which I think I have fallen irrevocably in love lately! Since I surely can spare some extra cash for traveling purposes this year, I guess, I shall pack my gears for my Italian escapade :) and I am absolutely determined to do this… 

So, thanks to everyone (inclusive of those who have consciously wounded me) – it’s been fun! Happy ending of 2012 to you all and wishing you all the very best for an exciting, fulfilling, peaceful and cheerful 2013!

My body is not meant to be HIDDEN. Deal with it!

As usual, I suppose a rant would be the ultimate motivator to drag me back to my blog. So bare with me on this rant!

I met a friend’s friend during the weekend who started the usual I hate subject/advise on me “Your curvy butt and thighs can make skinny jeans a drag. Instead, choose hip-skimming long dresses/skirts and flashy necklaces that draw the eyes up”.

Now, I personally have an issue with this whole  “slimming” claims, primarily because I find it offensively FALSE, insulting to my intelligence and also… well, lets get to the rest of the whys:

1– I’m a BIG chick, with big curves and that’s that. If you intend to give a fashion advise to curvy plus size women do it right, understand who you are talking to, don’t just slap some half assed quality advise for the sake of just doing it. We’re no longer willing or wanting to wear baggy clothes (no, really!), which means we don’t have issues with been FAT like past generations did. Curvy plus sized women today KNOW that they can look elegant, cute or sexy; we have finally learned to be happy with ourselves, for real! We actually like flaunting our curves, this hiding business is OLD, boring and annoying.

 2–Clothes won’t magically make me look as if I’m 4 sizes smaller, that’s just a fact. I don’t know how many times I have said that out loud; to random people who like to comment on my cloths, to sales ladies at boutiques and departmental stores, at events & family gatherings etc. Yes, I won’t shut up about it, get it together people, seriously!! Sadly I see that some still perceive women to be 1– too dumb to buy these tag lines or 2– so blindly obsessed with looking thin that any of those key words will make them run to the shop and buy those clothes? Hmm, yeah, might be the combo of both… not me though, thanks.

3–Skinny jeans are not a “drag” to any size as long as they FIT right. In fact if you ask me I find that my big ol’ size 18 butt looks just fine on any pair of the denim you may find in my closet and the word DRAG isn’t really one I would use it to describe it,  whether it’s a mini-skirt, dress or jeans… if you’re ought to know dear Lucky-stylists-whoever-you-are.

4-Plus size chicks do look amazing sometime on short skirts! Especially when when we have gorgeous round legs.    

Lastly and most importantly I don’t WANT clothes that promise to”slim” me, I’m very happy with my PLUS SIZED BODY. I find that tag line offensive…yes, I have said that already…maybe if I repeat enough times people will get it, because I know I’m not alone on this one!

What I really want and enjoy is shopping for clothes that look good on the body I have. Although it might sound astonishing for some, looking GOOD doesn’t necessarily equate to looking THIN/SMALLER to a lot of us plus sized women. Curves aren’t an embarrassment that we need to wear pieces to diguise’em or use accessories to divert people’s attention from noticing my wide hips. They are there and I find no reason to disguise them (I probably wouldn’t be able to even if I tried, LOL).

And if I sound sensitive about the subject it’s because I probably am. You only know the real deal of taking things like this offensive when you have lived under the skin of being a fat girl your whole life. When you grow up hearing everyone around you constantly telling you that “you would look so pretty if you lost weight” or “you should do a diet” or ”don’t wear this, it makes you look fatter”, bla, bla, bla,  then you kinda get tired of stuff like this. My body is not meant to be hidden and I just refuse to do it, so deal with it.

Every new beginning is some beginning’s end!

That’s a Bon Jovi quote! “Welcome to wherever you are”. A very awesome underrated song, if you ask me. So many crazy things have happened (and still happening) in my life. Seriously, so many to jump right into it!

First off, after three months of mental recuperation and reorganization of what has happened, I’m feeling more optimistic about taking new challenges and reaching different goals at my new work place. I am now holding a Managerial position at an Investment Bank!  It’s my first management level title and, I guess, all my hard work especially in last few years is finally paying off... The new job came with a whopping salary hike, pleasant office environment, ergonomically friendly furniture/cubicle, in-house paid parking space, very attractive staff benefits and… I get to be in charge sometimes! And most importantly what I’m really relieved about is my new work place and the diversity.  Any individual who is talented, smart and experienced is equally holding decent positions regardless of their gender, ethnicity, age, social status and education background.

Anyway, after experiencing my world come crashing down not so long ago, I’m now feeling better about what I can achieve. I’ve been hurtling through life, always feeling I needed to work harder, be stronger, and push myself to the limit with bigger challenges. My mind never stopped fretting and stressing about whether I was good enough, clever enough, strong enough; whether I could really make big ambitions a reality. I guess I was over ambitious as well! And, I was also cursed with “invincibility of youth’ syndrome, with symptoms including impulsiveness, recklessness, carelessness, idealism and underestimating danger and difficulty. However, after what has happened I can say that I’m feeling more focused and optimistic about taking on new challenges and reaching different goals right now – in a more mellowed down manner. I suppose, I’ve calmed down, slowed my mind a bit and of course having different perspective on life & people.

And that’s how it goes. Life moves on… and rapidly!

It makes me think of Bill Bridges’ work transitions. In it, Bridges says all transitions have an ending, neutral zone, and new beginning. But many people get hung up on the ending and never let go. And, so was I… for last three months! I was grieving the past and was angry, bitter, frightened, sad and confused. Part of me secretly wanted the person(s) who cause this pain to feel the same someday. I guess, the beauty of the transition is to let go of the past. To keep moving… to look at new beginnings! But come to think of it, it wasn’t that hard after all. It was a painful journey though everything fell into right place/way eventually. It was a classic illustration for me, when one door closes, another one opens. And the universe was very gentle with me… for last three months I’ve been wondering how and most importantly what just happened? And why? What can I say, it was just like Charles Dickens words "It was the best of times, it was the worse of times”.   

In other news, I’ve decided to try my luck on opening my own business. I’ve registered a company on my name. I’m very excited about this. It’s nothing big actually just some eCommerce stuff with my brain, knowledge and experiences as a capital, working on it in my spare time whenever possible. It’s something like how to turn what I’ve already know about my work into… $$$. Hope it’ll work out! But I’m just doing it for fun and to keep me occupied. And, I love working actually, and I love doing this for myself.   

This is all crazy life-altering stuff that’s happening to me, in the midst of all this, there’s this person that I can’t get off my mind. So I want to blog about that too, because that’s what you do with stuff on your mind, you write about it. Well that person is super awesome and funny and we get along so well. And I’m excited! It’s a good thing right?

when you need a fresh coat...

I looked at my toes and noticed what’s left of my last langkawi holiday, the navy blue polish… and wondering when was the last time I had a proper pedi.

By now, I’ve repainted them multiple times. Not taking the time to remove the old, I often paint layers upon layers of polish. Whenever I notice a chip or a flake, I paint a new coat right on top. It’s quicker and easier that way.

It works – if you don’t take a close look at how uneven the chips and layers are over my nails.

It’s quick – for the moment. But later when you actually start with a new color, removing multiple levels of polish takes more time.

Unfortunately, I’m guilty of treating most part of my life the same way.

When unkind words are thrown, I close my eyes to the damage and would rather cover the situation with Racy Red or Timely Turquoise than deal with the flaws. So, I’ve come up with some sound advice for dealing with hurtful situations especially at work/love life.

What to do when your life needs a fresh coat:

1. Let it soak. Sometimes it’s less painful to deal with hurts after they’ve soaked a little. Give it some time. Just don’t decide to ignore the matter and later gloss over it. You may not notice a problem at first, but the humps and bumps will surface when you least expect them.

2. Get rid of the old. When you’re ready to address the problem, apologize for hurtful words or actions you may have caused. Then pour forgiveness over the issues and allow it to dissolve them. You can’t move on until you have created a clean slate. Things can never heal if one or both of you refuse to forgive. Remember it’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong; the real goal is reconciliation.

3. Choose a new color. Select a whole new outlook. Don’t focus on the chipped and brokenness of the past. Instead pick a shade like Poppin’ Pink or Orange You Gonna’ Kiss Me, and try something new.

4. Paint a fresh coat. Start anew with your brand new hue. Brush your life with a renewed/new attitude, covering every aspect. Since the old hurts have been removed, the new color will glide on smooth. You won’t believe how your life will shine!

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

fevered thoughts...

"Still"

I am the harm which you inflict.
I am your brilliance and frustration.
I'm the nuclear bombs if they're to hit.
I am your immaturity and your indignance.
I am your misfits and your praised.
I am your doubt and your conviction.
I am your charity and your rape.
I am your grasping and expectation.

I see you averting your glances.
I see you cheering on the war.
I see you ignoring your children,
And I love you still.
And I love you still.

I am your joy and your regret.
I am your fury and your elation.
I am your yearning and your sweat.
I am your faithless and your religion.

I see you altering history.
I see you abusing the land.
I see you, your selective amnesia,
And I love you still.
And I love you still.

I am your tragedy and your fortune.
I am your crisis and delight.
I am your profits and your prophets.
I am your art, I am your vice.
I am your death and your decisions.
I am your passion and your plight.
I am your sickness and convalescence.
I am your weapons and your light.

I see you holding your grudges.
I see you gunning them down.
I see you silencing your sisters,
And I love you still.
And I love you still.
I see you lie to your country.
I see you forcing them out.
I see you blaming each other,
And I love you still.
And I love you still.

the most difficult part of work... and life!

Hi all,

January, February and now March seems like flying by…

And, I’ve sat down to write this post almost everyday for the past one week and have gone through a million different variations in my mind. In some ways… 
mostly related to life, work etc…

It’s Monday… I slept in on both Saturday & Sunday, went to coffee place and read the papers (yes, the print version) and watched tons of movies… Forest Gump, X-men 2, LOTR the two towers, Angels & demons etc. Also, some reflecting back moments in my life. I love being taken back to moments; some are good, some are not… For example – the day my dad was killed in an accident! January 28^th, 1998, it has been 14 years, still brings tears in my eyes if I reflect back on the thought of it.

Well, this isn’t an easy road… but it’s the road we all find ourselves on. The small victories are milestones along the way just as the losses are around-about life lessons. But thanks to both!

I think it is absolutely amazing how universe often takes us down paths in life, which we never imagined we’d led down. How life tugs us different direction, that we never even seen as an option. Every step we take is a new lesson to be learned.

I’ve notice people are ‘always’ quick to complaint about how miserable they are. I know I do most of the time! But really, what have we done to change that?

I’m keep-hearing remark(s) from my friends that if you’re not happy with your job, leave it. There are tons of jobs that will fit your needs that you can put your god given talents into. So, I’ve made my mind, instead of complaining 'bout it all day long, I’d decided to leave! Find another job where people actually able to value my capability, knowledge and most importantly can hear my voice. Still looking for one though I know I’ll get one sooner or later.

Its feels like I’ve wasted so much time here. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, do things my own, stand up for myself, my beliefs… they call me a bitch, immature and problematic staff. No matter how difficult or confusing the path was… I stayed on all these while here because deep down inside I always believed that the boss is still a good man… a man of his word! I know I’m not perfect and I can’t pretend to be one as well. But for what he has done or rather behaved in last coupla weeks, I seriously wish that I could/should/would have… tell him off… to his face that I’m smart, capable and most importantly I am free in all ways you are not. It’s my right to make few mistakes and if you can’t accept few of my imperfections, that’s your fault. At least I have the courage to speak my own thoughts and be honest about myself. And, I have guts to share my fears, vulnerabilities, tears and insecurities. What do you have? A fake and a life full of pretends and denials?!

Anyway, screw them all… 
I’m not going to let these people to ruin my life!

Last few days, I’ve been thinking a lot on this…. On how to move on! Well, growth… that was my one word universe often takes us down paths in life. And truthfully, only time can reveal the meaning behind each step that we take, and each direction that we walk, in life.

I’ve always been a kind of individual who finds happiness in the simplest of things. But I must admit, the magnitude of happiness is amazing… when you sit back and allow the universe to lead you down most unexpected paths, that one of the most unexpected paths, that he ultimately already knew he’d direct you towards.

So, this is it! I’m moving on… to a new path, towards new direction. But I know there are many hills upfront… 

Does karma really exist?

I used to be a devout believer in it.  But now I'm starting to doubt it's existence.  I see more and more assholes living great lives, while nice people continue to be screwed over by everyone.

I don't know.  I like to think that things happen for a reason, but sometimes it's very hard to justify.  I'm beginning to think that sometimes, for no good reason, we just get a raw deal.  

Some of you wonder why I hate rich, well, why do I hate these people? I do not know…  Well, I don’t really hate them.  I am just frustrated with them.  I am frustrated that sometime they think they’re better than other people.  And I just don't like how they have game the system in their favor.  It makes me wonder why they behave the way they do sometime… is there a karma? Why can’t they get punished for their actions?

Something crop up to me today that perhaps bad people may "prosper" in our eyes, we don't see what they're going through behind closed doors or even internally. People who did bad things to others and who do deserve a bit of bad karma on them may not get their just desserts immediately, or as we see fit anyway. I think people will get what's coming to them EVENTUALLY...it may not be till their deathbed days, but they'll still get what's coming to them. And no, death isn't what's coming to them as a result of their karma...but I do believe they will eventually get it.

As for me, I try not to think of it in terms of deserving something. I just think that wherever I am, whatever I'm going through, that's where I'm supposed to be at that moment. Everything happens for a reason… cliché. I believe that. If I stubbed my toe, maybe God wants me to be more careful when I do things. I was at work today trying to fix something and kept dropping the thing I was holding. I counted. I dropped it twice during a simplified task. Eventually I was like come on!! But then I thought that maybe the world wants me to slow down and be more careful. So I slowed down. Didn't drop it again. 

Whatever the bad luck I’m going through or whoever is causing it, I believe there's a reason. And I guess I just have to learn to deal with it and then try to be better with certain things. I do hope things work out for me soon.

Crush on a first sight... part 2

Now, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how awkward is that to meet my ‘sorta’ crush at first sight again yesterday. I thought… I would probably never see him again…. Come on, I just need someone to respond to this and tell me I'm not the strangest person in the world! The guy I met in a elevator… Don’t you think this is awkward? Omg, world is really really small… I seriously believed that I would never talk’ to him again? I mean… I would/could have totally in crush with him for at least coupla months… but after yesterdays’ meeting, I can safely say that he is just not so irresistible anymore! He seems like just another guy! Nothing great! I feel so pathetic!

No crush… 

crush on a first sight...

This topic has been nagging me all for last few hours, nattering at the back of my head in a most annoying manner, suggesting I might want to think of something to write. I did a fine and wonderful job of ignoring it, and now here it is time to go home… yet I’m still at office!
Maybe because it has been quite a while since I had any sort of crush on anyone (OK.... not in last coupla years), and even then I'm not sure the emotion I experienced was worthy of the word "crush." I have had, at times, a special appreciation for number cute guys… the gym guy, my boss etc. I still like them, but I don't feel the need to follow them or do online searches, or even notice them when they are around (OK... i did some online stalking on my sorta cute boss... but that was coupla years ago).

Now, I'm sitting here asking myself this very important question: what exactly constitutes a crush?

So, just for fun, I asked Google for its opinion.

Google directed me to The Urban Dictionary, which tells us that a crush is "a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special." Hmmmm. If we go by this definition, then no - I have never had a crush on any guys. There have been a few guys whom I found very attractive and extremely special but I honestly never had a burning desire to be with any of them. I was always quite contented to worship from afar.

Google images likes Orange Crush a lot, and also gave me this:

While Crush is cute and all, I think he's probably way off topic, unless you're a turtle, or have an obscure turtle obsession. So, moving on.

Google helps us out again by recommending an article on WikiHow which points out, just in case you're not clear on this, how to tell whether you are having a crush or not. 32 points in this little article, including such gems as: Notice if you get a sudden thrill when you hear his name. Notice if you think about him in the most random moments. You can't sleep. Notice how many times you've Googled his name.

Again, by these standards, I fail the crush test.

Google also directs me to a restaurant, a movie, and several bands named Crush.

While all of this is informative and interesting, it isn't all that helpful. And I fear I shall have to include that, since Google is the God of research, I do not now, and have never had in the past, a crush on a guy I met on an elevator. It was just a short conversation, his name is Azrul and I found out that he is the head of operational risk at telecom m’sia, we attended the same seminar thingy and he is just so irresistible… I just can’t stop thinking about him… oh my! 

Alas.

target practice...

I firmly believe that when you are single, you should not be allowed to enter any store within the months of January or February without first being in one of those blinders… like the ones they put on racehorses.

My reasoning for this is simple. With blinders on, you can stay focused on what you are there to get and you can try to avoid the heart shaped boxes of candy, pink candles and sickeningly sweet cards that profess undying love.

For me the worst thing about Valentine's Day is that little window of loneliness that magically appears whenever I see these things… and I hate myself whenever I get back into daydreaming of his warm breath on the back of my neck while listening to his heartbeat against my cheek and how perfectly his hands fit the curves of my waist... just to make myself happy for a little moment. And where I totally forget the times he made my cry at office…

It’s like a friend once said, “Sri… if love is blind… maybe we need a Seeing Eye dog(s).” 

God… I need to let go of him… and move on! Please give me the strength!

letting it go...

Sometimes in life, things that are good for you...can also be painful.

I've decided... to end it!

It came unexpectedly and without prompts. I didn't even realize it was happening...truth be told, I think he is oblivious to my enlightenment. But no matter...

He could've loved me forever. He could've had my heart. He could've done a lot of things.

But he didn't.

So I let go!... OK I'm trying... 

I can feel my heart mourning the loss... but sometimes you have to walk through hell to get to heaven and I know this was just part of the journey . One chapter coming to a close...

thank you letter to the universe...

I started to write this thank you letter on December morning as the year was about to end and a new one ready to begin. I just had a chance to complete this…

It’s a cloudy Saturday morning. The sun seems to be hiding behind the clouds today. I don’t mind. It’s cool and I’m still tucked under the blankets.  In a few hours, I’ll be meeting a friend at Bangsar, for our New Year’s Eve dinner & party! We have decided to have our last meal of the year at Chilis – our all time preferred choice! So before the party starts, I would like to take this time to write you a thank you letter.

God, thank you for this wonderful year! All five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes of it! Thank you for the little and big milestones that have happened in my life. Growing up can sometimes be a painful thing especially when it involves handling our emotional and mental state. But what a year of learning and growing! I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I smile with delight but why are the tears falling down my face, blurring my eyes? Perhaps it’s because I just know that there is so much love and gratitude within and all around me. I thank you for this precious, very precious gift.

A life lived in love is so much different. I know because I too have walked the valleys of darkness. And yet, I have made it through. I am here, alive and free! And everyday has become a celebration for me.

The universe, thank you for all the small miracles that comprised the bigger miracle in my life. The miracle of finding, knowing and loving myself. I was lost but now I am found. As I have experienced your love and grow to love myself, I noticed that I am reaching out more to others. I rejoice every time I am able to respond better to situations. I am becoming a better daughter, friend, colleague and a person.

God, thank you for giving me the heart to receive love from others. The same heart that went under the knife when it was so tiny… the same heart that could have died long long time ago when I was still a baby! Thank you so much for still making it alive and fully-function J - Special thanks for that and your love have touched my life.

CK – You have blessed my life so much when you reached out and shared who you are with me. You are the first person who loved me just the way I am and told me about it. Your honesty, encouragement, openness and perceptiveness encouraged and uplifted me more than you will ever know. Looking forward to be your bridesmaid :)

Anu –. We have known each other for more than a decade now and it seems like a lifetime already. I am glad that I am able to be ME around you. I do not have any masks and pretensions. I look forward to another year of growing and learning with you. You have been the best person for me to journey with in the discovery of myself.

Qaisra – She delights me with her bubbly personality and I enjoyed the friendship that we shared.

Mr Nathan – My Father, teacher, guru and a friend. I have much to learn from you. Thank you for making my dreams comes true.

Ms Z – Thank you for being there…

Mei Ling – Thank you for always being so warm and encouraging and most importantly for believing in me… I enjoyed our exchanges immensely.

Mr Conservative – Because of you I learn the meaning of love, pain and everything that comes along with it.

My Boss (Mr. Real McCoy) - Thank you for teaching me that not all women have to be saved by a prince. I have much to learn from you.

Mom - For being kind and gracious all the time (okay, not all the times mebbe some times). You are my one and only family I have left! 

Hoong Ling - For your kindness... and the lovely apt!

Thank you for all the newborn babies that have come across my path this year… for teaching me how precious life is J

To all my friends (including FB friends) those who have touched and inspired me, thank you so much.

I’ve discovered that when I started writing my thank you letter, I can see and feel love through my experiences and the love I have felt from so many. I feel so abundant and very blessed. I pray now that please god bless all of them tremendously in the coming year - a life filled with love and abundance in all the aspects of their lives.

I am alive. I am free to live a life of love.

Yaay! I’m going to go out and celebrate life with you in the next five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes! And most importantly at Chili’s tonight with Anu & Margaritas… Hahaha

Love – Sirilah Raman

New Year!

Well, this is one holiday that I guess almost everyone celebrates. A start of a brand, spanking new year. And time to make resolutions… that most probably you’ll break the next day J. Well, I've been working on it for weeks now somehow couldn't put my mind on it. Perhaps my mind is still taking time thinking through what I have achieved/done in 2011.

What I have achieved… hmmm lets see! Apparently nothing from my last New Year’s list!

I made a promise to myself that I would make my body look sexier… little did I make effort on this. So yes, in 2012, I will try to put more effort to get a better body.  Carrying it forward!

I also wanted to get better pay at work!! I failed at that too… but I’m not going to take this forward this year because somehow I just lost interest or rather hope! I’ve actually already come to term that we must look and behave the certain way in order to achieve this and I certainly don’t have any of those qualities. Leaving it behind…

Thirdly, I wanted to work on my anger management… hmmm! Just yesterday, I would have strangled my ‘so called’ subordinate at office if she had been around (thank god she was not). And, I came real close (I mean really close) to throwing my housemates' (tenant actually) belongings out for not paying my rental on time… So, big flop there too. And I seriously need to work on it this year. 

I have gained healthy weight throughout the year L mainly because I have discontinued my gym membership since I can’t afford them anymore (they are literally daylight robbers). And my weekend workout at gym was my only mode of exercise for last few years and without that I’m not going anywhere near losing the weight. Carrying it forward… just not sure about the methodology!

Finally, and the hardest part would be to be a good daughter and wonderful friend and bring happiness to other people… well, failed terrible at this one! And I just don’t wanna talk about it. 

At least the one that I have achieved successfully is - I have been somewhat writing whole heartly on this blog lately, especially on my rants and ravings to share with everyone that is willing to read. My offends in those posts are sincere as well `no doubts` I am sorry that it’s not making some of you happy if I am actually talking about you or whatever that’s the opposite of your interest, you can either keep it as a memory or… hate me. It’s all on you!

Happy New Year everyone, love yo’ll!

learning to live

Honestly, the past week has been slowly changing my focus… and it’s helping bring things into a better perspective for my life, helping me learn how to live my life.

Well, mainly two things are occupying my time these days…

1. I’m pondering the concept of life, the universe and everything.
2. I’m also spending some time actually doing stuff – the nits and bolts of changing my habit, my circumstances and my body.

Also, I’d learned something from a very dear boy I met last week...

Andrew! and he is autistic. I tell you that not to make you feel sorry for him or his parents, not to make you think that I am somehow a ‘good’ person for befriending him. I tell you he is autistic because it makes him more alive than the rest of us. Well, I knew him back when his mother enforced him to attend the school holiday workshops back when I was at New Straits Times. But I guess I was too dim back then that I never realize how wonderful he could be. I remember I was in a way afraid of him because of his condition. But when I met him the other day at KLCC when he was enjoying his meal with his brother and mom… It just occured to me that he is indeed such a breathtaking, smart and a sweet boy… or rather a man right now :) and that we could actually have a proper intellectual conversation with him.

Well, between my long hours at work, the dishes at home, to the laundry that can easily pile up into a monster that I want to avoid, to the bathroom that can easily become disgusting if left unattended for too long and the kitchen that I don’t want to be in… I was just trying to find a little bit of solitude for myself so that I could clear my mind and stop worrying for a mere moment. God knows I am learning to be thankful for the time I do have, and the things I do have under my responsibility to take care of… but… Heck, life is stressful! whatever our jobs or obligations there is always more to do, things to learn, and ways to be better. That’s not a bad thing though I do spend awful lot of time worrying about things.

However meeting Andrew the other day was refreshing. Andrew is unfettered by social expectations. He spends no time worrying about whether he has the right friends, or if it will ever be sunny again or is just being annoying. Each moment in life presents itself to him for exactly what it is: that moment. A moment filled with the potential of what it could be. And he grabs it, hold it tight, and squeezes every last bit of unabashed joy from it.

Well, my to do list is still long. My apartment is till in the mess, I’ve got tons to do at work. And I have a fast approaching deadlines as well. But, I can still be like Andrew.... right! I don’t have to stop and set aside time for it. All I have to do is to remember to live.

Thanks Andrew.

friday best… and love list!

It’s Friday! How was your week? Mine was just okay. I felt a little “off” for a few days (a touch of cold) and was a little stessy. On the up site, I met some of my dearest friends in last few days. Anu who has just came back from one of her lifetime adventure. And, also to my other friend and her two-week old baby... Is there anything better than holding a newborn?

Anyway, there are a few lessons I’ve learnt (or am learning) lately…I’m not sure if I’m happy but I’m just very positive today. And when the attitude is positive we entertain pleasant feelings and constructive images right... Perhaps it's because I just know that there is so much love and gratitude within and all-around me. I thank you for this precious, very precious gift. A life lived is I should be… Therefore I’m attributing this post to show some gratitude and love by listing down everything that I love…

I love it when someone makes me laugh. I love being out dancing and hearing the beat drop and watching everyone react to the music. I love holding hands. I love mornings with nowhere to be and a clean house. I love making meals and having someone else appreciates them. I love a spotless house. I love making someone laugh.

I love it when friends share their secrets with me. I love inside jokes. I love watching NCIS and E News. I love going to the movies alone. I love to end a day with a glass of rosé. I love seeing my favorite bands in concert. I love conquering something I’m afraid of.

I love fireworks on new years. I love New Years Eve. I love setting goals for myself. I love quiet mornings. I love my Netbook. I love black dresses and fun jewelry. I love making to-do lists and scheduling things. I love walking through malls. I love getting emails from my friends.

I love a good cry. I love my cat. I love the smell of fresh laundry. I love blogging. I love reading something that inspires me. I love sitting in front of the ocean. I love going out for margaritas with my friends on happy hours. I love getting flowers. I love sending and receiving mail. I love slow dancing. I love a good steak, a glass of margarita and a sinful dessert. I love knowing that I am loved and supported.

I love the denial in me worked out well, as I could secretly love him while not ever confronting the pain of not being able to be with him.

I love those moments when I realize I’m happy.

blueprint for women

So a few weeks ago, I’m sitting at my desk (bored of course because it’s Friday and because it’s FRIDAY) and I came across an article by Penelope Trunk (founder of match.com) entitled Blueprint for a Woman’s Life. 

Let me summarize the story for you. Basically the article talks about what a woman should be doing with her life – personally and professionally – between the ages of 18 and 45. What comes next is bit controversial where the advice starts with not necessarily doing well in school because other things are important too, concentrate on your look, and going to college looking good, consider plastic surgery in your 30’s etc.

The part of the article I want to focus on primarily is the part where she says the 20’s are all about finding a husband who you want to parent with and then your 30’s are for having kids and that your career should come second. Start your career, but don’t focus solely on it. Use your spare time to find a mate and don’t let work get in the way of your relationship.

Before you get your pitchforks out, let me just say that she does make a good point.

Trunk argues that we as women have our whole lives to get a career. We do not, however, have all the time in the world to have children. Trunk says it like it is, “Your career skills will outlast your ovaries.” So focus on your ovaries. Trunk talks more about finding the partner for this, but I think this could pertain just to having children in general.

Let’s face it. The world isn’t fair. As women, we want to have it all. And we want the equality to have it all. But no matter what, if we do have children we have to take time off to do so. And we get a little off track in the process. Reading Trunk’s article made me feel like I could have it all if I followed this blueprint. But honestly, according to this blueprint I’m already wayyyyy behind.

In the beginning, I did really well in school, I mean I was one of those definitely fall under school-wide top 5, straight A student. And, just when I thought everything was going super fine with me, as usual, life has it’s own way to crash right at you… somehow I couldn’t continue to higher education as I planned, so, everything else was either delayed or just passed right through me. I seriously had no time or intuition to find a mate/man in my twenties because I was just busy searching for LIFE! PEACE… trying every bit to survive! So, can’t really I agree with Trunk there? Sometime things go wrong! And I’m in my thirties now and I don’t have a serious boyfriend (let’s be honest, I haven’t had a serious boyfriend since high school) and I don’t think Mr. Right is going to just land in my lap because I have a blueprint to follow! But gotta hand it to you that the part of having kids in your thirties doesn’t really bothers me much cuz for some strange reason I don’t like the little humans. Ok, now I know most of you wanna take that pitchfork out again!

Here’s what I got out of this article and what I think we should all get out of this article. WORK ISN’T THE END ALL TO BE ALL. Yes, having a career is important. Feeling needed and important and getting praise is all-important. But it’s not all there is to life. Do you want love in your life? Then you need to make that a priority. Really, instead of seeing the controversy to this article, I choose to see another kind of advice.

What we really need in life is balance. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s OK to love your career, but it’s also OK to remember that you don’t need to work until 8PM every night and it’s OK to not work at all on the weekends and it’s OK to check your Match.com profile during lunch (what? who me? I would never!) And it’s ok to get a botox in your 40’s.

life is not fair...

Some people are born with great advantages and others are born with major disadvantages. This is a fact of life that we are faced with from birth…

I usually don’t go around publicizing my woes, but this blog has been my way of letting go of things, sometimes I just want to get things off my chest. Also sometimes I want to see people might understand why I’m where I am in my life, that it’s not all my fault, and I’m strong – but I doubt people would believe half these things, and certainly wouldn't fully understand. But sometimes, I there would be at least one soul who can just listen, instead of telling me “ there are other people out there suffering more than you”… sometimes, I just want someone to say “it’s OK” even when I know it’s not. I just want that one moment of sympathy to keep me going.

I often look around people I work with, I grew up, or someone I just know – who didn’t work hard almost all their lives, and they didn’t have to fight or struggle, yet seem to have everything. Lives a very comfortable life, get to visit or even live in exotic countries, good homes, good parents/husbands, high-flying jobs, social-life, children, upward mobility, and have plenty of time and money to look good.

What more most of them had that I couldn’t is… an opportunity to go to university… to enjoy student life like any normal person and had money in their twenties to spend on partying. I had to work hard just to get little pay and find ways to pay through my college. I spend most of my twenties in poverty and hardships, there were days i had no money to eat and there were days i had no place to stay. Nowadays I find it very hard to face my thirties because I feel like I've missed-out so much on my twenties. It hurts so much thinking back how bad it was... It also hurts now seeing… knowing my friends who have had fun in their twenties and now settling down into cozy family lives and moving on gracefully while I’m in a mad rush to catch-up and sometime I feel like I just can’t do this anymore…

It’s be okay if I was seeing other people and their lives but was still happy with my own life – fact is their lives may not suit me, that’s fine – the thing is that I am not happy with my life. I fail to see how I could feel happy with my life or have self-confident, let alone remain happy when comparing myself to them.

I’m finding it really hard not to get upset at how unfair life can be, why did I have to be the one left behind, the failures, the one who misses out on what all others got so easily? How do you avoid feeling useless and worthless compared to others who’ve achieved more than you just because they were grew up with full of love and never misses anything. This is my only life and I’ve missed out on so much, how do I not feel so helpless and numb at that thought?

These things are not self-imposed, there’re facts of life that can’t be magicked away with positive thinking, and working hard can only do so much to repair the damage or work with what dealt to improve my life – I can also say looking back I didn’t make too many regrettable choices, I can’t see how things could have turned out much different.

I just wish things were much easier…

why i hate rich people...

Because rich people are supposed to get luxuries with little effort, while poor people are supposed to get them by working long hours under lousy conditions for little pay. Really, is that so hard to understand?

When you know you've hit a low point...

I normally park my car at a mall next to my office building and have a nice little walk to office from there. During this walk every morning, I always think about all the places I would rather be than on the way to my job. And it wasn’t a, “Oh man, I really wish I was some beach front right about now” or “Wouldn’t it be nice if I had the day off to sit around in my PJs?”

No, this was serious low point shit.

During my walk, I would pass little cafes, shops & bars. And I would say to myself, “Please, you could own a bar. How hard to own a bar? I should open a bar like tomorrow so I don’t have to go to work at X Company anymore.” That would be great!” The kicker…at one point I actually thought, “I would rather work at a laundry shop. Ironing clothes sounds fun!”

Like really, I thought ironing clothes all day in a hot cleaners sounded like a terrific job next to my 9 to 6 so called corporate job where I basically sat at my desk and answer phones and emails. Talk about a cushy job compared to manual hard labor.

But that’s when I know I hit a low point. My low point was thinking I would rather quit my job and get a job at cleaners.

Today (it's 5am - yesterday actually) was another one of those low points for me. I’m chalking it up to changes going at my current company and within my department specifically. I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

But today I would rather have had a job at cleaners.