Some people are born with great advantages and others are born with major disadvantages. This is a fact of life that we are faced with from birth…
I usually don’t go around publicizing my woes, but this blog has been my way of letting go of things, sometimes I just want to get things off my chest. Also sometimes I want to see people might understand why I’m where I am in my life, that it’s not all my fault, and I’m strong – but I doubt people would believe half these things, and certainly wouldn't fully understand. But sometimes, I there would be at least one soul who can just listen, instead of telling me “ there are other people out there suffering more than you”… sometimes, I just want someone to say “it’s OK” even when I know it’s not. I just want that one moment of sympathy to keep me going.
I often look around people I work with, I grew up, or someone I just know – who didn’t work hard almost all their lives, and they didn’t have to fight or struggle, yet seem to have everything. Lives a very comfortable life, get to visit or even live in exotic countries, good homes, good parents/husbands, high-flying jobs, social-life, children, upward mobility, and have plenty of time and money to look good.
What more most of them had that I couldn’t is… an opportunity to go to university… to enjoy student life like any normal person and had money in their twenties to spend on partying. I had to work hard just to get little pay and find ways to pay through my college. I spend most of my twenties in poverty and hardships, there were days i had no money to eat and there were days i had no place to stay. Nowadays I find it very hard to face my thirties because I feel like I've missed-out so much on my twenties. It hurts so much thinking back how bad it was... It also hurts now seeing… knowing my friends who have had fun in their twenties and now settling down into cozy family lives and moving on gracefully while I’m in a mad rush to catch-up and sometime I feel like I just can’t do this anymore…
It’s be okay if I was seeing other people and their lives but was still happy with my own life – fact is their lives may not suit me, that’s fine – the thing is that I am not happy with my life. I fail to see how I could feel happy with my life or have self-confident, let alone remain happy when comparing myself to them.
I’m finding it really hard not to get upset at how unfair life can be, why did I have to be the one left behind, the failures, the one who misses out on what all others got so easily? How do you avoid feeling useless and worthless compared to others who’ve achieved more than you just because they were grew up with full of love and never misses anything. This is my only life and I’ve missed out on so much, how do I not feel so helpless and numb at that thought?
These things are not self-imposed, there’re facts of life that can’t be magicked away with positive thinking, and working hard can only do so much to repair the damage or work with what dealt to improve my life – I can also say looking back I didn’t make too many regrettable choices, I can’t see how things could have turned out much different.
I just wish things were much easier…
