U-N-A-V-A-I-L-A-B-L-E

Let's face it, when I do meet men I have a habit of attracting the ones that are:

U-N-A-V-A-I-L-A-B-L-E.

Be it physically, emotionally or geographically. If they suffer from it, I've probably dated them.

The next step...finding a cure.

oh gee...

My my how quickly time flies by!

I had no idea my little blog was sprouting cobwebs and sheets of dust. Shame on me.

So much for my plan to write more...but in my defense, work has gotten the best of me. Long days, late hours and by the time I get home the only thing I can think about is relaxing.

I should have some time to myself this weekend so I'll see if I can pull it together. Promise!

Tah!

the butterfly effect...

In a time where love can be as puzzling as a complex mathematical equation, it seems necessary for those venturing into the world of dating to be equipped with some sort of quick reference guide.

A 'go to' for the dating impaired.

You know, a translator for those who can't read the signs.

For instance, the question on the table is...butterflies.

With some relationships you feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach turning you topsy turvy and every which way but up. While in others...they sleep quietly without so much as a flutter.

Are those little butterflies indicators for the amount of love and excitement you have for someone?

And can you love the sleepy ones just as much as the ones that have you turned on your head?

This is when cliff notes would be handy.

just a thought... :)

sometimes...

Sometimes you just need to go out with your girlfriends and have a drink. I am far past due and in dire need.

P.S. Work (still) stinks

absolute (ly)...

Long time readers know that my last few years have been filled with something a little less cheery than sunshine.

Tornado? Flood? Tsunami?

I needed a release. A way to let go! A way to look in the eyes of the person(s) that caused said disaster in Sriland and give them the finger.

So what did I do?

I threw myself in a vodka land…

* work stinks

everyone's right cuz it's all about PERCEPTION

I'm dealing with a situation in my life right now where different people feel right about their stance on a scenario due to their perception. Perception is huge... how many friendships have changed due to perception... how many wars have been waged due to perception... how many times have you personally been involved in a situation that you feel is fine and then learn someone else is really upset?

Tolerance and understanding sometimes still don't solve all of our issues... we still feel right while someone may disagree with us. Are they right? are we right? Sometimes its best to just walk away and agree to disagree and hope the fallout isn't to tall to walk over.

Very deep thoughts (by Jack Handy...remember that from SNL?)

a cure for losers..

I was very disappointed. In fact it has been pretty nasty week for me at work. I’m bothered!

This is something associated with my GO AHEAD, TALK ABOUT ME POST and really, it saddened my day or rather week. It made me affected and soul-searched myself. (But I am okay now. I am laughing and I just can’t stop. Poor people! Losers forever. I just cannot believe that this sort of immaturity still happens in my office)

When you judge a person as how you see her is one thing but to discuss it with somebody else and to talk about it at her back is another. I was over the “judging thing”. In fact, I laugh upon remembering, thinking that bitterness and jealousy caused it all. People advised me that instead of having bad feelings towards them, I should pity them for jealousy is such a painful thing that is almost fatal.

I experienced jealousy and so I know how it hurts. I was thinking about them and so I gave in some considerations. I tried to understand. I tried to just ignore. After all, I don’t lose anything. To know that I was stabbed in my back is below the belt. It makes me feel small, yes, but I say that they will never find themselves big when they let others appear small. There is no contentment in that. I got the point that I know myself better than they know me but to see something against you is something that can break my day.

It pissed me more because I tried to be good though I am Little Miss Attitude. I tried to ignore what I heard about and just go on with my life, giving them more things to talk about. I like to tell that the name they are calling me is non-sense. I mean “feeling close” is a compliment to my amicability. It actually shouts about what they don’t have. I am not ashamed of being who I am and trying my best to be close to everybody. Without it, I won’t meet my best friends and other people who made a difference in my life. Is there something wrong with that? If there is, back-stabbing is still worse.

However, I really believe that their talent in making people hate life is rusty. I can actually do better than that but I don’t think they deserve some of my effort, not even a bit of it. I don’t push myself to people who don’t like me. Hell! I have lots of friends and without those haters, my life will still be happy and will still be complete. Actually, they don’t matter and I believe that it will always be that way.

To conclude that I am actually doing everything to make them my friends is a big lie. Don’t assume that much, losers.This is not the right thing to do, yes. A properly-behaved lady should just be shutting up, dealing with other more sensible things. and not letting out her frustration on the blog she owns but I need to unleash this hate. I need to express what I felt after finding out everything. I need to tell the world that I was hurt after I heard those slur pertaining to me. I am still a person. I might have done wrong turns in my life but I don’t think I deserve those insults. There are people whom I've hurt… in the past. There are people whom I took for granted but I never heard them talk about me like that. I never heard their unfair judgments even though they have the right to tell me those things. They never stabbed me in my back. Whenever they have hard feelings on me, they tell me right away. They confront me because they know that back-stabbing is for losers and uneducated. I need to unleash the unfairness I felt. I need to snap back and tell them that the person they are talking about actually knows about their sordid attitude. Somehow, this is a lot better than discussing the issue to someone else and assigning terms and names to them.

BTW, thanks for making me famous and oh, a cure for losers doesn't exists.

if i were a boy...

If one day, I woke up and face the mirror and saw a boy, I’ll know how and why it happened.

For days, I’ve been endlessly singing Beyonce’s If I Were A Boy. Addiction, eh? I prefer to call it my Last Song Syndrome. I just cannot get over such a beautiful song. It’s something that makes me want to say, “Awww” for it hit those lines the way it should be hit. It’s perfect for those women who had a bad experience on love.

I can sooo relate to the song though… I would like to clarify that I have nothing against boys. I don’t have hard feelings towards the other gender. I do not have the anger or sourness. The song is – well, I just find it great and nice, especially the lyrics. I must admit that once in my life, I’ve experienced losing the one I wanted because I was taken for granted like the girl in the song but then that didn’t stop me from seeing the beauty of life. I learned from what happened and now, I’ve come to terms with the other part of life too. And most importantly I do not hate the one who broke my heart. I think that to conclude that I am not bitter or any of the like is very important in this post. I remember reading in a magazine the line, “Boys are taught not to make a girl cry ever since they were young,” I believe that when they do, it’s for a very good reason. Their reasons may sound silly but I know that they did everything they can in order to save everything. It’s just that some things don’t turn out that well.

i'm trying to get to my car so NO i don't want to give you my number!

You know, I've come to see that I must give off some sort of idiot vibe when I've wiped my makeup off for the day.

Case in point.

I went to the gym, washed my face, got hot, sweaty and then proceeded to clean up and head to the grocery store at bangsar village for some toiletries. Went in, got the items and its raining when I came out. I decide that I'm not a sugar, as I won't melt in the rain when cross the street towards my car... what do I hear behind me, but some guy talking about how I'm not even listening to who's talking to me...*blink* and *raised eyebrow*. What follows is some dude trying to pick me up in the rain, in the parking lot of bangsar village.

Him: You sure look pretty, you got a boyfriend?

Me: No (inching toward door of car).

Him: That's good so you can be my girlfriend.

Me: I don't even know you.

Him: *switching tactics* You got kids. (now this ticks me off...yes I am an ample hipped woman, however this should not be the determining factor in me having kids...)

Me: I don't like children.

Him: *shocked* Really!

Me: Yes, I prefer my godchildren...children that I can give back.

Him: *changing tactics again* Can I have your phone number.

Me: Sure *I proceed to give him number... some made up digits...

Him: *smug* Don't get a boyfriend, cause you're going to be my girlfriend.

Me: *condescending smile* Again, I don't know you.

At this point I get into my car *finally* and drive away.

a much delayed tag (amended)

A friend on mine tagged me in facebook… I thought I would pop this onto my blog too! And here are a lot of random things that maybe a lot of you don’t know about me.

1) Never call me early in the morning (before 9). I’ll hang up.

2) I ran away from home once when I was 6. I went down the alley that was near our house and it started to rain so I hid in a box; after what seemed like hours I decided to go home… to my annoyance nobody had even realized I was gone!

3) When I’m sick, I like lots of sympathy.

4) I think I have seasonal mood disorder.

5) I’ll admit it. I’m actually a ‘little’ worried about the economy.

6) I miss some of my closest friends from the past whom I thought would be life-long friends… not that I don’t have many great friends right now… I have some of the best friends a girl could want… but it makes me sad that some people have essentially disappeared from my life.

7) I love to dance. I’ve done live bharathanatyam (Indian classical dance) performances both on stage and television (once upon a time).

8) As I get older, I have become very indecisive. I have no idea what I want to do 'when i grow up' and I have pretty degree that is useless to me. And especially last coupla years has been very stressful and i have gained no perspective... I still have no idea what i want to do.

9) I’m a bit narcissistic, I kinda like who I am with all the flaws and the imperfections… it sorta makes me who I am now so I’m in peace with myself.

10) I don’t see why people like kids; I find them annoying and if I ever had any I’ll love them just because they’re mine.

11) I think too much and have hard time sleeping because of it. It is usually really unimportant stuff too.

12) Every now and then I get a really bad crush on someone and then act like a fool about it. This is almost always at least one person I am crushing on to an unhealthy degree... and they usually don't know it. Sometime they don't even know me.

13) Sometime I hate myself for not being great at anything.

14) I can happily re-read books and watch movies that I have seen over and over.

15) I haven’t regretted my relationship, and I love every single one of them dearly.

16) Even after having a broken heart I still belive in Happily Ever After...

17) I am on a anti-social mood right now... so, totally avoing my friends -- especially those happy couples.

18) My ambition when I was in primary school is to be a stewardess. Thank god someone set me straight along the way.

19) I hate myself for thinking that the one thing the makes me saddest is that I would like to get married and I don’t think I ever will.

20) When I see someone cry I automatically get teary. It doesn’t matter if it’s a movie or my best friend.

21) I went to 11 different schools.

22) I need lots of pillows to sleep with. I make a fortress around me every night.

23) Hate when people try to tell me what to do.

24) I can handle being apart from people for reasonably long period of time.

25) I joined Facebook so I could stalk people, but then those people have private profiles… LAME!

There you have it… my boring 25.

you're moving like a movie, you still move me.

I'm at the point right now where I can't even decide if I'm happy or sad about the situation. Why is this even a situation where a decision is appropriate? I can't even figure that out. I can't figure anything out.

I want to have a theme for this post, something to focus on but for the life of me I cannot wrap my mind around anything right now. So instead, I am going to go to sleep with hopes of having really nice dreams because lately that is all I can get. And I don't mean slimy dreams, I mean nice dreams.

I think I'm happy, in fact I know I am happy. I'm just one frustrated little camper!

happening endings...

Something's come to my attention over the past few days.

I've discovered that I like happy endings. The girl gets the guy or vice versa, big kiss on the lips, everything is tied up nicely with a bow and the world is a happy shiny place in the end kind of happy endings. Don't know why exactly I just do.

Which probably accounts for why I mostly read romance and stories where I'm pretty much assured that the resolution at the end will be a good one. Books where people have to suffer throughout do not appeal at all.

And which probably accounts for why I place feelings on things, people, places, etc. that don't actually belong there.

I'm still waiting for my happy ending...

and I'm sure I'm going to get it...if I wait long enough...

*taps foot*

Okay, this waiting crap is for the birds, looks like I'm going to have to hack it out on my own... :)

circles and squares

Yesterday I was driving when one of my favorite songs came on. The kind of song with the perfect melody and lyrics that make me swoon and wish for the day that my significant other writes words like that for me. But then I came back to reality and realized that I have never pursued a guy who would ever do that. Then I thought about current and past crushes and how much in common we really had. How necessary is it to enjoy all of the same things? Is a relationship doomed to fail if both people involved don't get excited over the same things?

My answer is no.

I don't want to be with a clone of myself. I want someone who can appreciate my interests and activities and who will participate in them because they like ME. He's going to understand when I want to go stand in line for hours to see my favorite band and how much more it will mean if he offers to stand in line with me.

It is interesting when I apply this to current and past guys I have been interested in. Some have merely been a childish crush, or check box on a list, while others I now realize, would never "get me." I'm multifaceted and have a big interest in so many things, I am not one-dimensional.

To understand passion, you have to have passion... To understand me, and to be with me, you have to "get it." Luckily for me, I think I'm getting better at finding the guys who "get it." :)

snake in disguise

I have been continuing to read the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in last few days, and some very intense stuff has been happening. Within the last chapter I read, Harry went back to visit the place he was born in hopes of finding a Horcrux (a dark magical device), or a clue to fine one. Instead, he came upon Voldemort’s very own snake disguised as famed historian Bathilda Bagshot. Harry was seeking Bathilda’s advice and willingly followed the imposter into her house, but soon enough the great snake, Nagini, shed her cover and attacked Harry. Luckily enough Harry and his friend Hermione escaped and fled the city.

This chapter kinda opened my eyes (and mind) to the idea of nothing being like what it seems. Who knows which people in power of our society are really wolves in sheep’s clothing. Who knows which friend will turn out to be a traitor? Who knows which heroes are actual villains? And who knows the very person I thought I was in love turned out to be a snake in disguise...

lessons

If there is one thing I took from my travel overseas, it was the reminder that being single can be fabulous.

(Leave it to me to have to travel thousands of miles across the ocean in order to remember that.)

I had forgotten how nice it was to be carefree.

To meet new and interesting people and to forget about everything that had been tying you down and just let loose.

I had forgotten how nice it was to flirt and be flirted with.To kiss a boy...or two...or three.

To know that someone thinks your sexy.

To know that someone thought so much of you that they had to build up the courage to come talk to you.

I miss my young days...

the bucket list

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It has been a long time my friends...for that I apologize. There are stories and explanations lingering in the outskirts but for now, let's just ease into things shall we?

This past year has brought to light the importance of 'living' life....not just living my life day to day. So, I started a Bucket List. I've only ticked off a few things so far but that just means I have lots of adventures ahead. Here's what I've got so far, (the stars are next to things I've completed).

Climb a mountain *
Go kayaking
Go sky diving
See a drive-in movie
bonfire by the beach
Ride a horse along the beach
Sleep under the stars *
Whale watching
Have my palm read
See the Statue of Liberty up close
See the pyramids
Go snorkeling
Swim with dolphins
Ride a bike
Take a gondola ride *
Go on a safari trip
Ride in a helicopter
Learn to play guitar
Hitch a ride on a motorcycle *
See a Broadway show
Shake hands with someone famous
Stay in the best room of a 5 star hotel
Volunteer in a charity show
Run a marathon


Go on then. What's on YOUR bucket list?

a hint of the future i hope

I got to hold hands last night. Well, sort of. I love fingers and hands and forearms and holding them and being in possession of them. There is something so amazing about that kind of extremely innocent human contact that feels so good. It's a connection...it's assurance...it's secure. It's not some drunk guy trying to grope you or get their hands somewhere you don't want them. It's welcome and calm and warm. I love how they fit together...hands, that is.

so what...

I was gonna delete this blog…

filled with stories that i needed to let go...

instead…

I went to gym!

probably had the best workout of my life and I have to thank PINK.

Pink has a new song! this song (and video) is freaking hilarious and has to be the coolest breakup video up to date.

“I'm gonna show your tonight, i'm alrite, i'm just fine”, that’s class.

so... the final verdict is... the blog stays and i may have to mourn a little longer...

bygone...

pear shaped

Sometimes life has a way of going all pear shaped.

One moment you're skipping along in the sunshine and the next you're floundering in a sea of uncertainty and doubt, desperate to keep your head above water and cursing yourself for having never really learned how to swim.

Each day survived was done with a friend's words in my ear. Every day you go in and you pick a task and give it your full attention. When that one's done, you move on to the next and keep going. Focus on the things you can control. And then at 5 when you walk out that door and into the world that's out of control, just keep reminding yourself to breathe.
So that's what I did.
I remembered to breathe.
In and out.
Out and in.
Counting each labored breath until the world righted itself again.

why!!

Why is it that men always seem to know how to push my buttons?

Whether it's someone I used to love, someone I still love or someone I like.

All of them seem to have unearthed a rogue copy of "Sri, the Operator's Manual" and committed it to memory.

*sigh*

I get swoony (my new word) thinking about it, but I got to see the cowboy (cum conservative fella) again yesterday. You know how sometimes you see someone again after not seeing/avoiding them for awhile and you kind of wonder what you saw in them the first time?

unfortunately... in my case, it wasn't like that at all. I still felt that connection to him. He was still impossibly cute, and I'm still impossiblly in love. He's somewhat different than I originally thought he was. But he's still a man! a rugged "throw you down on the ground" kind of man, can't believe I just said that, but oh well...

Plotting next move even though my natural inclination is to turn bright red, bury my face, and scream giddily.

i know most of u kinda max'ed out with my stories and my never ending saga with him... damn!! im blind! and addicted... to him... correction... to pain!

i know... go ahead and have a good laugh.

a long walk

Until this very moment, I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. I looked at the date of my last post, looked at the calender, looked at my post again. Wow, coupla weeks...

I think somewhere along the way, I just got lost. I stumbled out of the crisp black and whiteness of life and found myself planted face first in a sea of grey.

Now I'm wandering about, try to find the way home.

Wish there was an easier way.

when one door closes...

Sometimes in life, things that are good for you...can also be painful.

I finally have closure... (again!)

But this time it's the final... It came unexpectedly and without prompts. I didn't even realize it was happening...truth be told, I think he is oblivious to my enlightenment. But no matter...

He could've loved me forever. He could've had my heart. He could've done a lot of things.

But he didn't.

So I let go.

I can feel my heart mourning the loss... but sometimes you have to walk through hell to get to heaven and I know this was just part of the journey to my happy ending. One chapter coming to a close and a new one still wet with ink.

meaningfuls...

I think that by now, most of you know that I've actually grown to enjoy the freedom of being single, (at least when I'm not recovering from having my heart smashed to bits). You can flirt with whomever you like, you can kiss as many boys as you like... you can do whatever your little heart desires.

BUT, I'd be lying if I didn't say that there are some things that I miss about being with him. You know... for me, it's those little meaningful things that my heart yearns for.

Secret smooches...

His warm hands brushing the hair out of my face.

Secret smiles shared across a crowded room.

Having his hand wrapped around mine.

Feeling his warm breath on the back of my neck. .

Resting my head against his chest.

While I whittle away the hours enjoying my freedom... a little piece of my heart holds out for those moments, silently hoping that the wait won't be too long.

absolutely nothing

I just sat here for like, 10 minutes trying to think of something to write about and I've got to be honest with you: I've got nothing.

There are no prospects at work.

There are no prospects after work.

There are no males at my gym (Seriously. I know, can you believe it?)

I haven't spoken to nice guy, singapore sweetie, or anyone along that line in awhile so there's nothing exciting there. I - no longer work with the mr married guy and no, we never had happy hour.

I'm not even interacting with male friends enough right now to read into things.

THINGS SERIOUSLY NEED TO BE SHAKEN UP! This is ridiculous.

But I'm glad my gal friends have things going on.

dark day

You know, I've spent a lot of my life believing in tales of Karma and living by the rule that in being a good person and doing kind things...good fortune would befall me.

These days I'm beginning to wonder if that was nothing more than just a children's tale.

It seems that just when I found my days filled with sunshine and happiness...a hooded figure drew near and stole the sunshine right out of the sky.

Leaving me to stand alone in the dark.

Leaving me unable to find my way.

walking the line

I'm feeling so lazy today...and tired and unmotivated and slack. Yeah, slack, I think that about sums it up.

I must apologize for being a terrible blogger lately...not writing decent posts, not visiting everyone like I should. I mean well. Promise.

But what is it they say?

...The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

Hmmm. Well, if that's the case, I guarantee that I've paved a good 100 km.

dude... you are so lucky

My friend Mr. Cool and I hooked up at the theater over the weekend to catch a movie and have dinner. Since I was the first to arrive at the theater, I went ahead and bought the tickets and he offered to buy dinner. While we were at the Chillis in Midvalley everything was going along great until the end of dinner when he pulled out his wallet to pay the bill and he discovered that he was without his credit card or any cash. Instantly his face turned silly and sweat began to appear on his brow as he gave me the sad puppy dog eyes. I shook my head, pulled out my wallet and said, "Dude, you are so lucky that this happened with me and not while you were on a date!" He being the nice guy that he is came by and paid me back the next day, but it started us on this whole conversation of stupid or embarrassing things we had done on first dates.

I've only got few embarrassing stories myself and one of it which from many years ago...but it's a painful one. This guy and I were driving home from dinner when he started telling me about his friend Mr ‘A’. "Yeah, ‘A’ a cool dude… he's from Kelantan..." Me being the nervous moron that I was said, "Oh he's from Kelantan? I love Kelantanese food...." The moment the words came out of my mouth I wanted to grab them and shove them back in. I was completely mortified...especially with the uncomfortable silence that followed. I know he was thinking that I was a complete idiot. That was the longest ride home ever...and no, we never went out again but it's ok, he turned out to be a prick anyway.

life can be so cruel...

I am currently experiencing a certain 'loathing' for all happy couples. Not to offend those of you who are currently in happy, healthy relationships... just know that if I pass you on the street... I'm sending you evil, telepathic thoughts. If I have to be single and slightly bitter... so should everyone else. *sigh* Okay... so it's not a perfect world and there is no way everyone is going to spontaneously break-up (at least until I finally get a super power).

Last night when i was at the movie, everyone was sitting at their seats waiting for the movie to start and I couldn't help but notice that all of these really young girls with their partners next to them... what were they doing to achieve that kind of status... where are they meeting these guys and why haven't I found one? Not that I need a huge rock or husband at this point, I'd be happy with just getting someone to hold hand to...

parking space stalkers

Okay what is it with parking space stalkers? You know the kind I'm talking about. The ones that coast behind you when you walk down a parking lot at the malls, so they can see if you have an ideal space for them to steal. For the record, if I realize someone is doing that to me, I purposefully walk past my car or cut across to the next lane. Go stalk someone else because you will NOT get my space.

The worst offenders are the ones that pull up when you're trying to unload your shopping cart and they just sit there, staring at you. I always look at them like, MF, I know you are not sitting there trying to rush ME! Assholes. Now, if someone is immediately getting into their car, sometimes I might slow down but if they've got a cart FULL of groceries...don't stop!!! Go find another space. How rude is that?! Are you so freakin' lazy that you can't stand to walk 5 more feet to the elevator?

When the stalkers do this to me, I have been known to load my bags in the car, return my cart and then walk BACK towards the elevator to the mall. Ahhh yes, I can be a spiteful bitch.

the inevitable

An 'Inevitable' is one ex in your life that no matter what, you always seem to find yourself being drawn back to.

It's an inevitable fact. You can be apart for years at a time, date other people, move away...and yet, without fail...you end up finding each other again. It's almost like we have these super powerful magnets implanted somewhere that keep pulling us together instead of pushing us apart. You can only run so far in the other direction before you run out of strength and the magnetic pull whizzes you backwards to it's other half.

The downside is that in the end, no matter how many times you find each other... you always end up wandering alone again.

bittersweet...

I've grown accustomed to the fact that things don't always turn out the way I planned and I've become adept at making quick decisions when the road ahead takes a sharp, unexpected turn.

But even now, equipped as I am with all of my hard learned survival skills... I find myself caught off guard, watching my heart override the emotions I had thought were already in line to handle the situation.

There was a time when I wanted certain others to feel the very hurt and despair that they had gifted upon me. I hoped and prayed for it as my body racked with sobs and my heart nearly ceased its beating.

I wanted the revenge and satisfaction in knowing that they were hurting as much as I had.

But that's not how it has happened.

Instead of vindication, my silly heart filled with care and compassion and I find myself desperately seeking a way to fix the hurt and I don't know why…

ho's before bros?

I used to think of myself as a diehard girlfriend. Down for any type of adventure and always up for the new and exciting. Especially, when it came to hanging out with my girls. Lately, however, I've been feeling none to friendly and even less inclined to do the new and tingly things with anyone including my girls. While some of my close friends have been out doing things with each other, I've been doing my thing over here, and trying to jumpstart my non-existent social calendar. This did get me to thinking about friendships and girlfriends and boyfriends.

Where does your friend stand while you're getting into a relationship?

There's no pause button on a friendship. And often times you may want to establish yourself in the relationship with your person before introducing them around to friends and sometimes family. Do you need to vett the new entry into your life to make sure they're capable of handling their own? And while I wish this was my problem its not, I don't have a significant other I'm trying to work into my regular life. I just have a lot of questions about what to do when I do.

perspective

It's amazing how you can waste days, months...even years of your life, living in the past. Stuck on a page...reading the same words over and over...seemingly powerless to take that step...to turn the page to see what happens next.

But at some point you have to take a deep breath and just do it. Quick...like pulling off a band-aid. And once that initial shock wears off....you realize that there are pages and pages of this book left to read and you were only on the first chapter.

Currently I don't have guts to pull my band-aid. I hope there will be someone with me to hold my hand and say, "It's gonna be ok." Someone who can make me understand that there will never be anything in that first chapter worth missing out on. It was just setting the stage for an even better ending...

langkawi

There is something great about spending a holiday... just girls and relaxing on the beach...

First of all, the weather was GORGEOUS, we couldn't have asked for better.

We ate, drank, witness some animal sex and talked boys.

I'd love to tell you more...but like they say, what happens at the beach, stays at the beach.

the request

Dear Universal Powers That Be,

I've come to accept that you are incapable of minding your own business when it comes to my personal life. If you insist on sticking your nose where it doesn't belong, I ask that you at least use the following as a guideline for your misguided (though well intentioned) hints and nudges.

Before you drop anymore eligible men on my doorstep, it would be wise for you to update your screening process and refrain from sending me anymore...: married men, gay men, men old enough to be my father, assholes or losers.

The preferred qualities a man must posses (aside from actually being straight and single) are: intelligence, kindness, thoughtfulness, humor and a fondness for children (though not in a perverse way.)

Finally, if it is within your power, someone who is masculine and yet a gentleman would be nice. I think deep down we all want someone who will make us feel protected and treated like a lady.

Thank you for your good intentions.

sri

P.S. Broad shoulders and strong hands are a plus!

at a loss of topics...

I just sat here for at least 10 minutes trying to think of a topic to expound upon.

I was unsuccessful.

I'm distracted and can't remember the past and am keeping quiet on the present. I suppose that leaves the future but that's even more amiguous...

the light-switch

Men claim to be simple creatures.

I believe this to be highly suspect.

I have found that they are just as confusing and complex as any woman...sometimes even more so.

For instance...men are masters of the 'Light-switch.' A dark and evil trait which I have yet to fully understand but have nonetheless fallen victim to. It is the uncanny ability to change behavior or turn feelings on and off at the flick of a switch without ever batting an eye.

One day they want to marry you, the next day they deliver the most insulting and painful blow...you cease to exist.

It's as if they permanently erased you from their memories...while you are left wondering how it is that you are so easily forgettable.

I'm telling you people.... it's c-o-m-p-l-i-c-a-t-e-d.

finally...

i've been a fan of Fergie since she came out with her solo album 'the dutchess'. last night her new single from the same album 'finally...' played on the radio while i was on my way home after a long day at work... i started crying... it was the first time really that cried for joy... from a song. today, i am listening to it over and over again and it gives shivers everytime i hear it...

Ever since I was a baby girl I had a dream
Cinderella theme
Crazy as it seems
Always knew that deep inside that there would come that day
That I would have to wait
Make so many mistakes I couldn't comprehend
As I watched it unfold
This classic story told I left it in the cold
Walking through an open door that led me back to you
Each one unlocking more of the truth

I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally got lost inside of you
I finally know I needed to grow
And finally my mate has met my soul

i'm inked! are u?

The consequences of break-ups are not necessarily ugly all the time… mine is kinda pretty actually…:) that’s right… I’m inked! And it came out better than I imagined…:)

Last coupla years have been fabulous years – things have changed, I have changed - for better, not so much worse. I’ve met so many wonderful people, some who have changed the way I look at life.

And if you wonder why ladybug… well, most people say ladybug is a clichéd design. But when I read about them, it occurred to me how beautifully perfect it was for me, right now, at this moment. The more you learn about this small but powerful creature, the more you understand that it is not merely a testimony to beauty, but also strength and most importantly, change.

and here is a little story i found in the net bout these pretty little things...

In Europe, during the middle ages, insects were destroying the crops, so the Catholic farmers prayed to the virgin mary for help. Soon the ladybugs came, ate the plant-destroying pests and saved the crops! The farmers began calling the ladybugs “the beetles of our lady”, and they eventually became known as ‘lady beetles’! their red wings represents virgin mary’s clock and the black spots represents her joys and sorrows.

As for me... forever, i shall look over my left shoulder and remember...

like graffiti... i've been tagged

I was tagged by Anna who wants to know weird/interesting/odd/random facts about me so here goes! and anna, instead of 8... only 3 things k...

three things i love
1) my freedom
2) my car
3) ...stil thinking

three things i want to do before i die
1) live in europe
2) have kids
3) write a screenplay

three things i miss right now...
1) my doggies duchess & snowy
2) my ex - conservative cum useless fella
3) sohrab

three guilty pleasures
1) things that i fried
2) secret recipe chocolate brownie with ice-cream
3) cheese

three [innocent] crushes
1) one of my gym member
2) a friend i haven't seen in years
3) george clooney

three people who make me laugh
1) jane
2) mr nice Guy
3) my bro

three people who make/made me feel like everything will turn out ok in the end
1) my dad
2) merlina
3) mr nice guy

three things i'd like to learn
1) how to cook fish
2) how to make money by being cool
3) how to let go

three songs i could listen to over and over again
1) rascal flatt - what hurts the most
2) five for fighting - it's not easy
3) nickelback - photograph

three jobs i'd love to try out
1) photographer
2) actress
3) ... still thinking

useless... crushes

One thing March has made clear is that I am utterly useless during this coupla months. I haul my butt out of bed very reluctantly every morning and sit in front of my computer (both at home and office) dreaming of more creative pursuits. Some days I'll daydream of the possibility of frolicking with cute men and other days I'm thinking of lying in the sun by a large body of water. So, next month I'm going to feed the demon and head down to Langkawi Beach for coupla days of Sun Sand & Sea...waves...cute guys. Sounds like a nice way to waste time.

Just thoughts....

At the risk of sounding conceited, have you ever wondered who has a crush on you? Do you ever wonder if there is someone out there, possibly someone you have never met, who has intense feelings about you? Or even a friend, maybe a close friend, who longs to have something more with you but you have no idea!

Think about it: How many people have you lusted after or been "in like with" and you never told them. Maybe you never even spoke with them but always had a desire to.

Examples:

I had the biggest crush EVER on Mr russell crowe look alike from my senior year at secondary school. I went to the library he stationed during recess at way too often and stalked him quite frequently too. I was convinced he was God's gift until one day I heard him talk and all feelings I had for him were lost. The magic was gone. The point is, he never knew I was in like with him.

I've had countless crushes on friends...sometimes they had to have known but others probably didn't have the foggiest idea. So some of my friends must have developed feelings for me, right? A few told me after the fact and it was so weird to think back to their behavior or the different things we did together.

It just makes me wonder...is there someone out there, right now, thinking about me all the time. Trying to coincide daily tasks so they see me??

These type of things can't be one-sided. I know I'm not the only one.

back at the old den of sin...

Saturday night, post-boring-week adventure, found me needing male attention. Packing up a couple of supplies, I headed to PD where I knew certain someone is there on a tour of duty. Of course the usual chit-chat, dinner, wine and a certain someone would provide me with the distraction I needed. I’ll skip the part about actually having fun and drinking wine. Let’s face it…we’re all here for what happened next.

We were kinda little tipsy, and as the evening had progressed, certain someone and I had been making minor suggestive comments back and forth. I’m not sure if I was purposefully testing the waters, but when we were outside chatting I leaned back, saying I was cold and he was so warm. I think after he slipped his arm around my waist I knew things were going to get interesting.

Around 3am, I looked up and realized that what the heck i was doing here...

Since I’m not penning a romance novel here, I will spare you most of the details, but I have to tell you about my lips. I just can’t not. Something like this has never happened before. The certain someone is a guy’s guy. I do like aggressive men but... (cont) The next morning I woke up, and my left side of lips was really sore. Really, really sore! As I was showering I noticed skin was missing and was reminded of this all throughout the day as I would get shots of pain when moving wrong. Less than 24 hours later and my lips had actually scabbed. Scabbed! I like aggressive men, but this has never happened before. Ever!

I’m intrigued…horrified…and am trying to figure out how he’ll have to repay me :)

learning to be alone...

Well Mr Conservative made an official announcement on his other woman and his so called wedding plans… Woopdefrickin do...

So, nowadays I spent my time while he is on a date with THE other woman, on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor, and the two bathroom floors and then wiping down and reorganizing the book shelves, counter tops and then taking countless showers and moping the floor and … running out my apartment to the most furtherest mall to get my groceries... bla bla bla - so here's my dilemma... I've forgotten how to be alone. I’ve forgotten how to let go…

its not that we were together most of the time – but I always knew he was there… in my mind - all the time. Now, I'm totally totally incapable of being alone... that thoughts… he, not being there is killing me. The worse part is he is there… with another woman.

I read somewhere that the worst thing could ever happen to a person is - knowing someone they love… is in love with another person… I don’t know, life is unfair most of the time *correction all the time.

Simple Plan says it better than I ever could... My Life

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like

To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

Welcome to my life

(This song, describes how i'm feeling right now... perfectly! Actually, this is how I've felt for a while. There's no need to elaborate, but this song explains it better than I ever could. And seeing as how I've been feeling lately, I've been listening to this song over and over, and it's basically like listening to my thoughts.)

i wish i may, i wish i might, have the wish i wished tonight

I had planned to boycott today.

I had planned to hide.

Instead, I closed my eyes and made a wish - upon a star.

Here is to wishing that I find passion. Passion in a kind, caring romantic man.

Here is to wishing for strong arms wrapped around me, secret smiles shared across a crowded room and quiet nights snuggled beneath a blanket.

Here is to wishing for "I Love You's" whispered in my ear, an arm around my waist and finger tips brushing against my cheek.

Here is to wishing that I had a Valentine...

haunted

Some people are haunted by ghosts.

I am haunted by words. Words from my past. Words from my present.

Words that won't go away.

"I think it's about that time. I may regret this tomorrow...but right now, I'm just not happy." "I'm not sure why I've said those things." "I love you more than you'll ever know. I just wish I had told you sooner." "At this age, it's important that you learn self control."

I don't know what it is about the last few of days but there they are...running through my head on repeat. Different voices, different memories...stealing any moments of silence that I have.

Here's to hoping they'll get bored and wander away...

and how would you like yours prepared sir?

I hate dealing with the craziness of shopping on weekend especially early of the month...the lines, the people. I get annoyed! However, to pass the time I found myself observing all the different types of people that were forcing themselves in front of me, shoving me from behind and running into my trolley. There was a never ending of size, shapes and colors... some lovely... some grumpy and all sorta moods.

I know this a totally individual taste sort of thing but I was curious as to what type of women most men seemed physically attracted to. For instance... do you go for the voluptuous curves of someone like Jennifer Hudson or Queen Latifah? Or do you prefer your women to be cute and petite like Eva Longoria (from Desperate Housewives)? If I had to choose, I would prefer curvy to skinny... primarily because I am curvy (& chubby). I once had a guy friend tell me that the difference between my being chubby and the other girls being teenie tiny was the difference between being a 'woman' and being a 'girl.' I kissed him!

Where men are concerned... I really don't care for thin men except I prefer My man NOT be any shorter than me or really really skinny. Now, don't think I'm being choosey and I'm not saying that I want my men to be extra tall or really big, but I do like them to have a size meat on their bones... tall are nice too. Naturally I like to cuddle my man and I want to feel that secure feeling thingy when I’m cuddling him – it’s like I want something to hold on to.

Do I feel like writing?

No, not particularly. But at the urge to keep the blog alive....I'm here.

A little dazed and out of focus...but here nonetheless.

I guess no one ever said that life was going to be easy but what they failed to mention was that it was going to be filled with bumps and bruises, stubbed toes, paper cuts, headaches, sleepless-nights, curse words and water retention.

Not to mention worthless ex-boyfriends, former friends, clinically insane housemates, and demonically possessed co-workers. I guess it's just one of those minor details that parents forget to let us in on. Advice that should have been sandwiched in sometime between the "adult talk" and the "proper use of credit cards.”

sleep face

I can't breathe. No, really. If I ever get kidnapped and they put tape over my mouth, I am going to pass out and/or die. Also, as a result, I sometimes snore, too. I like to think it's endearing, but to a light sleeper, it might not be. In addition to that, I do not have one of those pleasant 'sleep faces' as I call them. Some people, when they sleep, look just like they do when awake. They look peaceful, and calm, and not weird at all. I, on the other hand, feel like I look like...well, let's not get descriptive.

Usually when I sleep in the midst of another person, I sleep very lightly so as not to fall into this unattractive* state I have. Sometimes, though, a girl is tired and light sleeping is just not an option. I know my Sleep Face is not going to be a deal breaker or anything, but at some point, I'm going to fall asleep first, and on my back or something, and then all bets will be off. Like I said, I hope it's endearing.

ZZZZZZZZZZZ

P.S. And just to clarify, I don't look like monster after a long night or anything. Heavens no! I just look like I'm sleeping.

P.P.S. I can only speak for myself, but I'm probably not going to talk through differences on this blog. If they were blog related, then maybe, but there's really no point on so many levels.

*Relatively unattractive. I could never really be so;)

she is still alive

Call off the search! Bring the hounds back!!

We found her!

Yes folks… I am alive and mostly sane… I think… that’s what the voices in my head been saying anyways. I’ve just been a busy bee with (u know) things.

Let’s talk bout this year – the year has been a whirlwind.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost. And I’ve learned to let go.

But most importantly, I’m looking forward to the New Year and all of the grand things it holds for me.

I suppose I should also confess that I’ve got a little secret. But for right now it’s cradles in my hand, next to my heart for protection - when the time is right I will tell you about it, and no worries, I won keep you waiting too long.

As for my blog, for over a year I have poured my heart and soul into this blog. I have shared my happiest moments and the moments I was at an absolute low. This ‘impetuosity of sri’ has been my ‘safe place’. A place where I knew I could be honest about what I was feeling and not fear judgment or persecution. Thank yo’ll for listening to me.

Have a super fantastic New Years!!!

an "I need a HUG" day

It can be difficult when, after getting used to physical contact, you go a day without any. And I'm just talking hugs here. I could have used one today. My day just went on too long and began in a hurry that set me on edge for the rest of the day.

fallin...

Alicia Keys said it best when she sang, "I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you." But have you ever wondered why they call it 'falling' in love when it can make you feel so high? Perhaps it's that feeling of inevitability that you are being sucked deep down into that person. Or maybe it's that feeling that you've just stepped off a cliff.

And I started pondering about this song after having a drink last night…

I keep on fallin in love with you
Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Loving you darling
Makes me so confused

I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure and cause me so much pain
Just when I think I've taken more than would a fool I start fallin back in love with you

I keep on fallin in and out of love with you
I never loved someone way that I loved you...

Maybe that’s how I feel nowadays and I seriously don’t know how to deal with this feeling.

breaking the habit

So I was thinking…that dieting and eating right are so easy in theory…so why is it so hard?

It’s kind of like quitting smoking, only not because you can’t REALLY ever quit eating. Smoking is an example of something that is bad for you, and you know it is…but eating, that’s something you have to do, but it can turn into the enemy.

Everybody knows what to do to lose weight. Eat less overall calories, eat more fruits and vegetables, fill up on “good” foods and proteins, maybe even cut carbs or start eating whole wheat carbs. Sleep more, drink more water, try to do cardio for at least 30 minutes 3 days a week, avoid processed foods…the list goes on. But you know what, it’s hard. Anybody who says dieting and losing weight is easy is wrong. Mostly because in the end, you have to find out what works for you. Atkins may be amazing for you, or you could not be able to give up carbs. Weight Watchers could be wonderful, but you don’t have time to count points and plan meals. Jenny Craig can be great, but you don’t have the money (or time) to purchase the meals to stay on it. It’s a personal decision, and what may have worked for one person may not for another. And honestly, it’s a full time JOB to do it right. I don’t have time, energy or money to sit and plan out my meals, grocery shop, and make healthy food all the time. The best I can do is eating the kinda food ‘less fattening’ and hope for the best. It’s hard to be at work and not grab lunch with coworkers. And it’s hard to know what your schedule is going to be like and if you’ll have time to come home and make something good for you.

The funny thing is, that even when people lose weight, it doesn’t completely change who they are. Sure, they may become more confident, more aggressive, more desirable…but it’s not a cure-all. Just the same as gaining weight doesn’t totally change a person. If you lose or gain weight, it doesn’t mean that your debt will go away, that your relationships will be any better or worse, or that your career will be any different. It all comes down to how you feel inside, and how you present yourself. I admit, that slimmer, more attractive (and taller) people are scientifically shown to get more of a “break” in the professional world…but that doesn’t mean that the more average or overweight people are living unsatisfactory and unfulfilling lives. I know just as many unhappy, single, boring skinny people as I know amazing, married and exciting people who don’t have “perfect” bodies. It’s not a black and white issue.

I mean, in the end, it’s horrible that I spend so much of my time, energy and conversation thinking about and talking about this. If the biggest problem I have in my life is struggling with my weight (which has only been for last ten years), then I’m pretty lucky. Overall I’m a happy person and I enjoy my life, so maybe that’s why it’s harder for me to obsess and restrict myself, I enjoy good food and I enjoy social interaction (that usually involves food to me). Being somewhat overweight doesn’t make or break me as a person. And you know, if I died tomorrow, I doubt anybody would be like, “it’s too bad she never lost that weight” or “so sad she never got skinny and hot like she wanted.” So, why do I worry about it so much?

into the night...

One of my favorite songs by Santana since ‘why don't you & i’, (which is still my favorite) but man oh man Chad Kroeger and Santana when work together, magic happens!! And just when you thought you had seen the last best of…

The first time I heard the opening track “Into the Night”, I stumped, as to who it was? Once Santana’s guitar solo came in, though, I knew right away. Chad wrote the song himself, he never shields from affairs of the heart, and I would call this is his most romantic lyrical endeavor yet.

Like a gift from the heavens
It was easy to tell
It was love from above
That could save me from hell
She had fire in her soul
It was easy to see
How the devil himself
Could be pulled out of me
There were drums in the air
As she started to dance
Every soul in the room
Keeping time with their hands

Coupled with his raspy voice, it makes for an intriguing contrast of a cool rocker singing a valentine about love at first sight. Chad is not the biggest rock guy, but I love anything Chad Kroeger does either with Nickelback or Santana. His voice sends chills up my spine! And as for Santana, you know why he doesn’t sing at all? Cuz he doesn’t have to… His guitar does it for him.

what if...?

So often I hear the following phrase, "But I don't want to mess up our friendship." and for a long time I was not only someone uttering those same words but I was a firm believer that friendships should be taken care of. But earlier today, it occured to me: Why be miserable maintaining a friendship when there could be so much more? Why live with the words "What if...?"

What if we date and can't get back to being friends?

Well, maybe if a friendship can't withstand a try at love it wasn't the most stable friendship to begin with. But what if...you never tried and you are only friends with Mr/Mrs. Right for the rest of your life?

I'm not even going to try to say I've met someone whom I would consider "Mr. Right" but, I know the frustration and at times, heartache of having an intense desire to know if there could be something more with a friend. They are feelings that have waned over the years so that now I know things worked out how they should have with those people. As I face these same situations at this point in my life, I definitely have a different outlook.

I have not come to a conclusion about potentially ending a friendship for a try at love. This just a theory, but i am also torn over the following questions :

Which is worse...only being friends with someone who might be your "soul mate" (a future blog topic, yes) or losing a friend in a quest of find that "what if"?

at a loss for words

Ok, I’m gonna come straight to the point at today’s post.

So, we all know how boys and their...uhm...well, their 'part' comes in different sizes right? Well, completely unbeknownst to me... so do women!!

Apparently one hooha is not the same as the next!! I am aghast (new word I’ve picked up lately) people!

So, now I've got all these questions... is one size better than the other? Do men have a preference? Does it play a factor in their (u know) sexual satisfaction?

Worst of all, how do you know if you have a right hooha or not? Now I'm all paranoid... worried that I could be walking around with an abnormal hooha. :o(

relationship junkyard

Pat Benetar the 80's rock singer so eloquently once stated, "Love is a battlefield."

That being the case, what happens to the relationship wreckage? Where does all the love you had for that person go and what happens to the broken hearts? I know that there are still a few out there ticking away, precariously held together with bits of tape and glue but what about the ones that are broken beyond repair?

Could it be that all of our old feelings and broken bits are taken to a relationship junkyard...sorted out to see what can be used for parts and what gets thrown into the scrap heap?

I'd like to think that someone would wander in and stumble across my little, wounded heart and say, "I can't believe someone would have thrown this away. All it needs is a little work and it'll be like new again."

i said no...

to having kids, right now and probably ever, and I don't feel bad about it.

*stands on large soapbox*

Now hear this! I don't particularly like children. They're cute when they smile, and they smell like baby powder and holding one for a few minutes is fine, but beyond that...I don't like the little buggers.

*and half of the readers of this blog go running into the dark, screaming words like 'childhater' and 'selfish'*

I remember fondly having the same dream that I imagine lots of other girls who are between the ages of 13 and 18 have about getting married and raising a pack of children. Then reality in the form of high school, college and the real world slapped me around and made me realize that I don't usually want to take care of me let alone some tiny person. And some incident that happened in Bangsar yesterday showed me that I'm not alone. Not that I thought I was, but its not something that people talk about.

I mean you don't see that lone female, guy or couple of a certain age, who are without the typical accoutrements of parenthood (pacifier, bottle, baby wipes, kiddie leash, etc.) and walk up to them and say casually, "no kids... good on you mate!" Its just not done. However, I did have a lady in the elevator walk up to me "if you have kids," to which I responded without a beat, "Oh I don't like children." She was shocked, I wasn't. She quickly recovered with a refreshing, "I've never heard someone actually say that before." And surprisingly enough she wasn't offended at all. More like she was shocked to actually hear someone say it out loud.

I'll be up front about it, I'm selfish. I like my things the way they are, I like my body (sometimes) the way it is, I like having really cool glassware and going on trips (if I can afford them), and drinking a lot (if I want) and not having to worry about if some other soccer mom sees me, or if my kid's teacher sees me doing something else that isn't part of the parent approved behavior. I like being independent.

Having kids, while it brings a certain joy into the lives of some or many, doesn't do the same for me. It holds none of the happy, shiny thoughts it did when I was younger. In fact it has the opposite effect. I've got little ones at my godparents. I haven't seen them in some time and while I take no pride in that, because I do have a heart (somewhere under this thick skin and through the barbed wire), I don't like being made to feel guilty by a society obsessed with procreation and everyone wanting, nay needing to have kids.

Instead, I'm perfectly happy to see my friends with kids, remark on how cute they are (or not remark at all if I don't think they're Gerber material), and move on. In ten years when I'm still childless and jetting off to Fiji or struggling to get pregnant I'll look back on this and either laugh at the irony of the situation or take another sip of my champagne in first class and wonder if I can fit a massage in when I touch down.

it's my birthday... and i'll cry if i want to...

Two nights ago (Halloween), was my birthday. Yes, I was born on Halloween. No, I do not do Halloweeny things though it is an awesome, evil, carnivalesque pagan holiday which means on this day I get two bites at the apple.

This year I’d decided to celebrate at Langkawi (on my own). It was very awesome, especially because I never had such a birthday. To look at my past, I never celebrated my birthday till I reach my twenties and started to live on my own. My family members are not so big on birthdays, and mine was a definitely no-fun kinda family. So, now I celebrate birthday unabashedly. It’s nice, if age-affirming.

In actuality I’m not quite so ‘young’ anymore though –used to be precociously young for everything – now I’m just at that right age, or even older than the average. It is all very strange. In many ways though, this is an era for me: I have entered my “thirties” – and the twenties are thankfully past…J I’m entering that stage of life in which I should be pretty well on my way towards all the scary things that comes with adulthood; a career, someplace to eventually settle down, someone to settle down with, a mortgage to pay, a household to build.

However I have to admit to the fact that, the excitement of being in my thirties kinda muted this year. I guess I just figured that my life would be a smidgen different by now. I thought I would have accomplished more. I have expected to have the big steady job, the great steady boyfriend, and you know, an entire complete life. But I guess that’s not realistic. I mean, I’m still pretty young for all that, right? I don’t’ have a swanky crazy-go-nuts paying job, but I’m working towards getting my dream job by doing little bit of homework here and there. I don’t have some steamy boyfriend, but I’m putting myself out there to find one. That’s what counts, right? The bottom line is, I’m not at my dreams yet, but I’m on the right path.

And for now, I’m happy to be who I am – a single girl who lives a fabulous life learning interesting things and new methodologies; just starting to write my thoughts and finding them surprisingly well-received; still having enough free time to figuring things out and still having what kids these days call “fun”.

So to celebrate my birthdayness – I’m going to give you guys a look at beautiful langkawi…

break-ups totally sucks...

Break-ups are one of the worst things in life to experience. It’s like getting soaked with two, make it three buckets of cold water and then, left there to dry off. Yet, you could never be completely dry because tears will continue to soak in.

Well, bottom-line is break-ups are sad and the lessons are priceless.

This is one part of my life I have been doing the most lately as many individuals do when they look back at their life. It isn’t easy to find closure when some of your history has bitter and often no return like moments where no matter what you can do, there is no way to make it better. The phrase “cleaning out the skeleton in the closet” takes on the meaning when it comes to closure, especially among ex lovers who you left in the past and choose to keep them there until they start to haunt you.

But in the long run, this can often make you a stronger and wiser person even when that individual you want closure from will never get the point of it and forever stay the way they are in their life. As old as I am (which isn’t much), I'm still learning to let things go and move on with my life even with those who never want anything to do with me is still in existence.

From my experience I would say break-ups aren’t pretty and never has been easy to deal with but if you work in and out and stay strong, it will make you better person in the long run and to make you more ready for the world no mater how friendly or cruel it can be.

Well, its been a month now and I am slowly rebuilding my life. Don’t get me wrong I am still completely miserable. Its funny how you don’t realize what you have until you have lost it. He was my life for the whole year, and he is gone now. I wish I could go back in time and just hold his hand once more… well, I can still do it now but my evolved side (or rather ego side) is holding me back… I cant talk anymore… TOO DEPRESSED… im gonna listen to… OVER YOU by Daughtry and cry a lot tonight.

amendments

On the heels of writing a post about being single and fabulous, I feel duty bound to make an amendment here.

While I love the freedom and spontaneity of the single life (as do many of you), deep down I think there will be a point in many of our lives when we will still want someone to share the (fabulousness that is 'us') with. Some are open about this desire... while others treat it like a dirty magazine they don't want their parents to find. They hide it in the back of the closet, tucking it under boxes and behind old clothes, all the while hoping that it never finds the light of day.

I guess some of us were absent that day in school when we were all taught that life isn't always fair, because just when you think you've successfully beaten back the desire for a relationship... there it is, tugging at your sleeve like an impatient child.

While I have no problem whittling away the hours flirting and enjoying the perks of being single... the reality is... I just don't want to be single forever.

My heart longs for someone whose lips know just where to caress the slope of my neck... whose hand fits the curve of my waist...whose heart beats in time with mine.

first kiss

For most people, I think that first kiss is something that's looked forward to with great enthusiasm and anticipation.

I am not most people.

For me, the impending act was more terrifying than the prospect of being caught red-handed in the supply room while you are canoodling with a co-worker.

Maybe it wouldn't have been as scary if I had done more in the way of preparation, like practicing on my hand or something like that. As it was, my only lessons came from watching TV. I'd scrutinize every kissing scene on tv, carefully constructing a mental check list. Okay, you tilt your head like this and close your eyes when he does this...wait, is he supposed to swallow your face like that?

When the big moment came, I was so nervous that I was literally sick to my stomach. We were sitting on his big bike and I had just applied hmmmmmm... lets see, a coat of nothing on my lips when Mr RXZ leaned over and asked if he could kiss me. Being the innocent girl that I was, I preferred the tube which he promptly ignored as he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine.

My first thought was "It's happening, it's really happening!!!".... Oh nooooo! someone help me!

My second thoughts were, "Oh god, what am I supposed to do?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??!!!!"

All that careful note taking had flown right out the window and I was left in a panicked state. "Do I try to match up my bottom lip with his top lip? Oh no, he's pressed up against my nose...I can't breathe, I'm going to die! Wait! What was that? Was that his tongue? Ewwwwww!!! That is absolutely disgusting! Is he even allowed to do that? I am NOT sticking my tongue in his mouth! He can forget that right now."

Well, I am pleased to say that fortunately, like a fine wine... kissing has greatly improved with age.

bright lights, big mouth

Sometimes you feel as if you are walking down a catwalk, bright lights shining in your face, loud music thundering in your ears, flash bulbs erupting like tiny bolts of lightening...and all the while the room is filled with hundreds of non-singles...watching you...looking for flaws, for weaknesses, just waiting for you to trip and fall.

Well, one of those critical faces confronted me directly this week. A co-worker felt the need to inquire as to why, at my thirties, I wasn't married yet (she after all had gotten married when she was 20. She and I are the same age yet she has been married for more than 10 years and has 2 children, whereas I live alone and don't have so much as a parakeet.)

I gritted my teeth and gave the now robotic response, "I just haven't found the right guy yet." And do you KNOW what she said to me?"

You know, you should really think of trying one of those Match.com dating things... that's what I would do if I were in your situation. I mean, because really... you're not going to be able to have kids after too much longer you know."

A few moments of silence followed and instead of punching her between the eyes as was my initial reaction to handling the situation, I took another route. Instead, I calmly picked my jaw up off the floor, closed my eyes and strutted down my catwalk... hips swaying... lights flashing... letting the pounding music drown out the nay-sayers.

My runway, my life.

Let them ogle me...because the plain fact of the matter is, while I'm strutting ahead in life... they're stuck to their seats.

beyonce boleh malaysia!

This isn't a political blog, but I feel the need to point out the fact that I am a liberal woman and I totally totally agree with this statement by another blogger Unspun ...

Beyonce Boleh Malaysia!!!

It’s good to see people standing up for what they believe in. So I was real glad to see that the bootylicious singer Beyonce has cancelled her Malaysian show after the authorities there had ordered her to cover up and wear “conservative clothing”. Fuck that for a laugh. Bloody Nazis. As if a woman in the 21st century can’t wear what she wants! And anyway, what’s the point of going to a Beyonce concert in the first place if you can’t see her perform her outrageous onstage antics? What are the Malaysians actually thinking? That people would go along merely to hear her sing? Hahaha! But Malaysia’s loss is Indonesia’s gain. Cos to make up for the Malaysian show Beyonce’s announced she’ll do a show in Jakarta on 1 November instead! Bootylicious!! Long live Beyonce!!!!!

(read REUTERS news in New York Times)

bitching and moaning... fair warning

Trust me when I say that complaining about my personal life is not a common occurrence. I'm a strong, independent woman with a good job (sort-of), my own place and my own friends. I just think that there are several factors that have been feeding into my being a little uptight lately... holidays... birthday… reunion... lack of love and Friday night rendezvous with boyfriend, etc. So in advance, I'm sorry for complaining.

However, I was strolling through the stores in Bangsar yesterday when I neared coupla guys talking about one's high maintenance girlfriend. He confided that he's been having to put out a lot of money because she prefers to eat at the swanky restaurants in Mont Kiara (ok he didn't use the word swanky or Mont Kiara, that was all me) and she has expensive taste in everything. Apparently there had even been some dissatisfaction with the engagement ring he'd given her... it wasn't good enough. She wanted to exchange it for something a little larger.

Oh come on!!! How come a prissy little bitch like that can land a guy and I'm still single?

Seriously, for the most part I'm a pretty easy going girl. If you want to impress me, don't take me to a fancy restaurant, just do something fun or thoughtful thing. Hell, let's hit the DVD player at home and have beer and hotdogs... Go to a drive in movie... Go to a Carnival (Genting, my fav) and act like kids with all the rides and games.

I'm telling you... it just isn't fair. Maybe I need to move to a different part of the world to find a guy... (Merlina, I might consider Boston) lord knows there's nothing here.

sri's state of the union

Its that time of the year again. My birthday is rolling around (October 31, if you care to know) and I've been going over the past year.

I'm not liking what I see.

So here I propose some changes.

Sri's State of the Union.

I'm not in a relationship, but eventually I will be, until then, stop bitching about not having someone and enjoy what I do have, which is good friends, awesome cooking skills and a crafty mind.

Stop letting the idiots of my past (read Mr Conservative) rule over my future. One man or many will not make or break this chica.

Life is not about what happens to you, its about what you do about it. Repeat this mantra often and whenever confronted by something you think you won't succeed at.

Travel far and often. The world is very small and you should see more of it… but first, finding my passport.

Find something that you are absolutely terrified of doing and do it anyway. And most importantly... Stop avoiding your life, its going to keep going even if you aren't.

blah...

My hormones are running amuck today.

I just feel so... I don't know! Melancholy. I suppose it doesn't help that today is one of those blah, overcast kind of days outside. I've been dwelling over the question of how many of us are actually where we'd thought we'd be 10 years ago. The ideal job, the ideal partner, the ideal life? I think this started when I was watching this show on MTV called Ms. Seventeen. Long story short it's a reality show where these girls are trying to be the next cover model for Seventeen Magazine. And no, before you even ask, my dream was not to be on the cover of a magazine. My dream was to be a writer for a big fashion magazine or at least for ah… well, any magazine. Bits of the show focused on the writer who has a Carrie Bradshaw type role and I found myself being so jealous of her.

When I was young... I had things all planned out. I was going to go to college, get my degree and eventually land that job. Things didn't turn out like that. Instead, my family didn't do well and there was not enough money to send me to college so I had to pay for it myself. However, in order to do that I was working part-time while doing the college and could still only afford to take 1 or 2 classes a semester. Eventually it got to the point where I had to take care of myself financially and school had to wait for a bit... so while many people's parents were paying for their tuition and apartment and car and then giving them money while they did their internships and worked the low paying jobs so they could move up the corporate ladder... I was still working just to be able to support myself while struggle to complete the degree. And I've done ok for myself financially and finally complete my degree but currently I'm not in the profession I want to be. I do not 'enjoy' my current profession by any means but it's tolerable and it pays the bills. It's just at this point I'm financially unable to take a low paying entry level job somewhere. [Now is the time I could use a Sugar Daddy... :0)]

Oh well. I'm sorry for whining. I'm just feeling pretty crappy today... I'm sure I'll feel better soon....

run...

sometimes you just want to run away...

and sometimes you just wish there was someone to run away with...

strikes (again) !!!

He (Mr Conservative) called me on the way home from wherever he was - inebriated. He explained to me that he needed to hear my voice tonight. *sigh* I am not really sure how to feel about that.

He is at a turning point in his life or at least I believe he is right now. Things need to change for him. As he put it he is a ticking time bomb. So - I am not really sure where I fit into all of that. Is he hanging on to a lost cause? “She’s in love with me, so what a heck…" or is it - "I miss her and want her back... lets mess with her head some more!!"

am i the one who watched it all?

I know I can't be the only one out there who has made it through Sex & the City - the entire series. It was a hit with legions of followers. That's why I get really confused when I read things that talk about how Carrie and the girls would be so disappointed at a single girl saying she wanted a relationship or wanted to settle down.

I've heard this casually dropped in various places, but I was moved to write by reading in Judith Strauss's Unhooked Generation (anu, u have to read this one). Near the start of her book, she's weaving a tale of her single-hood and mentions she eventually reached a point in her life where her career and independent lifestyle just weren't doing it for her. When she paused for a moment she would find she was lonely and unfulfilled.

She went on to say she had been ashamed of this feeling and that the Sex & the City girls would be sneering at her. Huh? Maybe she didn't get obsessed and buy the entire series like I did, but did she at least watch season 6? Agreed...the girls were strong singles who embraced life with fashion and style. However, the girls let their vulnerable sides show throughout the series. They were all on a quest for the right one, going through several "right one for right nows". Even Samantha's revolving door snagged a couple of true loves. That final season saw each of the girls reaching that point, that place of truly knowing where your heart should be.

I cried way too much at the raw humanity in the last few episodes. One thing was clear to me even through my tears. These single women we all adored and some wanted to be... they were just like the rest of us searching for that final piece of the puzzle.

we'll show each other where it hurts

i want to talk about this Friday, but am afraid to jinx any hopes that i hold tightly in my love-lacking body. so instead i will consider the thoughts that have been running in my head as of late.

i want random passion. Out of nowhere, i want someone to tell me they want me. I haven't had that in... well, since last week. Here’s the part where i start talking about my ex Mr Conservative.

what i miss most about those 12 months of confusion, cuddling and chicken fingers is the closeness. i miss him coming over to my place after everybody close-shop and watching mtv until 3. i miss how i fit into his arms and i never needed a blanket because he was so warm. i missed his soft questions asking me if i needed anything before he turned out the light and we got even deeper into the moment. i miss his whispers into my ear, slightly brushing his lips against them so i can feel his words. i miss the tangle of our bodies as i tried to get up to leave, finally, and how he wouldn't let me go. i miss the look on his face when he'd make the first move.

god, i miss that. it's funny how i miss only the good things...:) but that's the usual, isn't it? now when i see him i still think "damn, he looks so good" and i wonder if he thinks the same thing…hmmm maybe not.

when i see certain shows or hear certain songs, especially "our song," a horrid pop song that made us laugh because we always seemed to hear it whenever we were together.

i stopped listening to the radio because it reminded me of him. OK that’s a lie… but I do switch channels whenever they play the song.

i miss being able to run to where he is for a quick hug when no-one is around and him coming to visit me in my room. i miss our secret rendevous in the little supply room that no one ever found out about.

god, writing all of this out makes me want to love him again. but i don't feel desperate for that. i feel comforted in the fact that i experienced that whole whirlwind of emotion and i'm better for it. i've matured so much since that chunk of time in my life and given the choice, i would re-live it. heartbreak and all.

the ride

I've found that relationships are a lot like rollercoasters.

You wait in line for what seems like forever just for the chance to catch a ride. Then before you know it, you're being propelled full throttle along this long, winding track...hanging on for dear life as you take the highs and lows...the twists and turns...the fear and excitement.

Sometimes you even feel a little sick. But when that car finally comes to a grinding halt and the chaos around you dies down... the real question is, in the end, was it really worth the ride?

The hopeful part of me wants to think so...

If you're lucky enough to have found that 'one' person. You'll endure most anything.

It's just that I'm not sure if I'm gripping the rail... or someone's hand.

death knell...

Last night I sounded the death knell of my relationship with my mr conservative. Point blank I decided that I just couldn't do it anymore. We could be "just friends" and that would have to be it.

I will not ask him to come over on Fridays anymore.
I will be taking better care of me.
I won't be asking him to go with me to everything I do.
I will be making sure that I spend more time with my other friends.
I won't be look out for him in the office.
I will be keeping to myself for a bit and rediscover me.

And that's that. I'm tired of trying to rationalize what he wants versus what he tells me. I'm also tired of reading in between the lines and trying to figure out if what he says is really what he means.

I'm worth more, and if he doesn't want me, then too bad for him.

I don’t know how to describe how im feeling right now but at this point i just want someone's arms around me, telling me it would be ok.

everybody cares, everybody understands

This site has been filled with so many half truths and incomplete stories for the past few weeks that I want to scream. I'm surprised any of you bother to read it any more. I know I barely do.

Well, stay tuned people. If my predictions come true, things will start to get a bit interesting here as truth comes out.

stillness...

I look in his eyes and lose my breath, my heart swells in my chest, beating rapidly but the blood fails to move through my veins. I lose control of my body for a split second, every inch of me numb except the burning in my chest and the swelling of tears behind my eyes. I'm not sure if the ache in my heart is love or fear / the intense love I have for the man who's gaze I'm lost in, or fear that I might hurt that same man / fear that I might break a heart that deserves nothing less than undying love and devotion.

His eyes sparkle from within, mischievous and spirited, yet calm and soothing / I get lost in them until I feel his hand graze my neck. He runs his long fingers through my hair, breaking his gaze / my eyes don't leave his face as I admire his features. His dark skin from, his adorable nose, those amazing eyes that can tell stories with no words, that grin that can make me laugh forever or aggravate me to no end, his jaw covered in a day's stubble turning his babyface features ruggedly handsome for the night. I long to kiss him, to be in his arms as the woman he loves, the one he can't stop thinking about and will never stop loving...

...But for now I will settle. I will settle with being the girl who he cares dearly and I will be the girl who waits until he realizes I am the woman he will never stop loving.

big girls dont cry...

I could probably say that i am a big girl now even though i keep crying all the time, someday i guess i can sing this song to everyone...:) the song actually somehow an eye opener that i should be strong in every trials im facing or may face in future...

who knows she had sucha sweet voice, it tells the story of growing up and dealing with it. A straightforward song about the end of a relationship...

~ may be the universal telling me to do the same thing - leave the bad relationship and move on ~

Anyway, the song is great and it proves that FERGIE needs nothing but her voice and emotion to deliver an appealing song. i love it.

silly thing

Nothing is easy. This is the message I was continually knocked up side the head with last week. Nothing is easy, especially when it comes to relationships.

This silly thing going on between me and mr conservative has gone into not so favorable turn. The biggest mistake I made was getting him back into my life. It was a big fantasy for me. I should never have brought it up him in a serious way. Yes… things are bit serious now by making the whole situation much complicated that it really should be?

Why is love, along with so many other things in life, so painful? Shouldn't something so grand eventually get easy? For heaven's sake, we spend enough time second guessing ourselves and primping that we deserve something to go smoothly!

To top it off, the two silly people (myself and Ms Vege) took themselves to see The Last Kiss last night at the International Screen in Midvalley. I don't want to give anything away, but holy hell. Is someone trying to send me a message? I was ready to walk out mid movie and drown my sorrows in a nice merlot that i bought from cold storage last week. Instead, I stuck around and saw the light.

The (en)light(enment)? Nothing is easy, especially relationships. If they're worth it, then you fight for it. You sacrifice and maybe even give a little of yourself.

Sigh.

my first accident

Last Thursday, I got into an accident. A minor accident though it came down pretty hard on me… well, physically, my right knee and arm – few bumps and bruises la and mentally… little scare!

I was filtering out left onto another lane, and there I saw the entrance to the parking bay which I was searching for it for quite a while. So I thought I was a good-enough driver to make a quick turn and land directly on the right spot, but, unfortunately i was not a good driver (yet) so, I sorta lost control and got panicked and pressed the accelerator instead of the brake pedal. And that’s it… BANNNNGGG!!! A "STOP" pole!

I pulled myself together and drove the car away from the scene and managed to park' the car at a safer spot. And for the first (at least) 15-minutes I was stuck in the driver’s seat panic stricken (literally trembling) biting my lips and craning my neck to see what’s going on and yet too shaken to get out of the car. Thank god coupla friends came over immediately after my MAY-DAY call and took care of everything, well, almost everything la.

i guess, my first accident! Nothing serious though my precious had to go to the workshop and Im back to be a car-less woman - for another at least coupla weeks. And the funny part is i cant stop thinking about the "STOP" pole... wonder what happened to it?!

Lesson learnt
I am still a beginner (in the driving part) and must learn to be more careful or rather patience on the road.
I have a family (my biological family) and they will always be there for me no matter how badly I've treated them in the past.
I think [now] i have much clearer picture on number of ppl who genuinely care for me (and the other category)

To look on the bright side
It’s a little one
I wasn’t alone
no scoldings
everyone’s fine

i have sucha nice groups of friends. and i love em all.

my first car

it's my car... and i feel like a little kid on Christmas morning. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

after so many years moving here and there, finally i have bought my own car. My Kancil! My Precious!

i have had a lot of firsts this year: my very first apartment, first mortgage, first (mind blowing) love affair with someone i actually like, and the very first car that i purchased with my own money (ok, with some help).

so, far i have only done 150km in the little beauty, but that is bound to go up. i am hoping to have loads of fun - like weekends driving around and even the odd trip to Cherating...:)

note: images - coming soon...

dazed and confused

I feel bad for not posting, but I'm just at such a weird place right now that I don't feel like I have much to say. I'm in the midst of letting my moral and pragmatic sides battle it out. The moral side is winning at the moment, but it's only hanging on to its lead by a smidge. *sigh*

I'm at the point where I can't even decide if I'm happy or sad about the situation. Why is this even a situation where a decision is appropriate? I can't even figure that out. I can't figure anything out. I want to have a theme for this post, something to focus on but for the life of me I cannot wrap my mind around anything right now. So instead, I am going to go to sleep with hopes of having really nice dreams because lately that is all I can get. And I don't mean boyfriend dreams, I mean nice dreams. I think I'm happy, in fact I know I am happy. I'm just one frustrated - little camper!

love and some verses

I've been sick this whole week, which has given me a lot of time to think about things. I've thought about weakening friendships, past loves, current crushes, goals for the future, etc. but my mind keeps coming back to one person in my life that I have conveniently forgotten to talk about. I don't think I've even told the three people who regularly read' this blog about him. Mr Alpha. I met him when I was in my high school. For my entire college days I had the biggest crush on him. We would talk for hours about nothing. He would get on me for asking him so many questions, and I would get on him for being an asshole. This was our daily routine; we never got tired of it.

I was young and not settled… running around. By end of my second year in college, I decided to go away. One fine day I packed my things and left the country (fled would be appropriate term). That was such a long time ago, we lost in touch for quite awhile after that.

But every time I would start to forget about him, he would appear out of nowhere and we would chat for hours at a time, catching up on our lives. Same kind of smartass remarks from both of us, but it was normal. I look forward to it every time.

Now with all of the public blogs and everything out there, it's easier to keep tabs on each other. I just realize that I have Mr Alpha would like to be your friend" tab awaiting my response in my friendster.

The more I learn about him over the years, the more I realize the fascination I have towards him, I had developed some sorta special thing for him. I always have said that he will be the one I marry, as stupid as it seems (merlina, i know u gonna raise ur eyebrow at this point...) And i have to admit that he is still an asshole. but he is my asshole...

Just to know that he thinks about me once in awhile is enough to keep me going until we finally run into each other again.

(ps - i havent add' him into my friendster's list-yet)

my type of man...

with his t-shirt showing off underneath his unbuttoned checked shirt with his sleeves rolled up at mid-arm. A flop of hair, slightly scruffy-looking, nice eyebrow, nice nose and a smile that is not really there, but you know hes smiling.

nobody is perfect

nobody is Perfect...
but you have to work it...
my life aint perfect this month, nor last month...
I keep dropping things, making mistakes along the way...
but nobody is perfect...
what I can do is just to work it …

identity crisis

So, I found/remembered and was reading through an old live journal that I kept in 2004, which was pretty embarrassing to go through. Even worse that I was a moron and used pretty much everyone’s real name. But tt is interesting to see how far I’ve come in three years.

I may have similar problems or thoughts right now but i can safely say that I express them and approach them in a much more sophisticated way. I’ve become more independent, more comfortable with myself (for the most part) and just grown up overall.

Anyway, I also came across an interesting little entry, where I questioned my identity. It’s funny, I guess I still have that question. In secondary school I was “so and so’s girlfriend”, in college I was this kinda person, then when i was at NY I was this and this or the “asian girl in NY” or something like that. And, I was thinking… in the future I’ll be someone’s wife, or someone’s mom, or something of that nature.

But right now, in this moment…what am I? I don’t “belong” to anyone or anything… I’m just…me. But, what does that mean? I’m somebody’s friend, I’m somebody’s co-worker or employee, somebody’s relative or somebody’s daughter… but, to me that’s not really an identity. It’s not something that impacts others, or even something that is truly meaningful. Not that being someone’s girlfriend or in a particular sorority was meaningful or descriptive of who I am… but I guess it was something to identify with. Life is all about relationships and networks, so, I guess I’m just struggling with where I fit into that right now.

Just a thought I revisited and decided to throw out there…

just me.

why sri would be a good girlfriend :)

I guess what sparked me to think of this is that I saw this girl I know who is really annoying and I recently found out she's married. Not knowing her husband, I can only hope he is equally annoying because is it fair for an annoying person to take a non-annoying person from the dating pool? No...The answer is no.

Anyway, so I am not annoying. Not annoying would go on the list of "Why Sri Would Be A Good Girlfriend" so, in honor of that, I figured I'd let you know the other things as well.

Why Sri Would Be A Good Girlfriend:

• Not annoying.
• You, as my beau, would not be subjected to a lot of sri’s family functions or general crap and uncomfortableness. I am quite private about my social life when it comes to my family and you would benefit from this.
• I'm not an expensive date. Not only do I pay for myself, but I don't expect my expensive taste to be satisfied. What I'm saying is that I like the best things in life, but if I can't buy them myself then I don't really expect them. Make sense?
• We can make out...a lot.
• I like many different things: music, tv/movies, traveling, sports, sleeping, cars, etc.
• I like my alone time so I'm definitely not a smotherer.
• I'm not a big phone person. If you want to call and talk then I'm a good listener, but I don't expect or like to have big phone conversations every night or anything. That being said, I do appreciate an email or text here and there to know you're alive.
• I don't get sick. That means we can make out more.
• I don't smoke.
• I do drink. But not excessively. Neither lush nor straightedge. And I don't drink those frou frou girly drinks.
• When I like someone, I'm extra generous.
• I can cook and clean.

Of course this is all in good fun. It's fun to make a "Why I Rule" list every once in awhile:) Oh, and I left off things like, "I'm hott" and "I use good smelling shampoo/perfume" because those are things that you can judge for yourself. Oh, and also, I reserve the right to add to this list whenever I want to. Consider it on going.

one year old...

My blog is one year old today... ppl, thanks so much for stopping by my blog, Impetuosity of Sri! exactly one year ago i made my first entry, well, it has been a great one year for me and my blog...:)

creating opportunities for love

A friend of mine has a 2007 goal to fall in love. My first thought was You can't make someone fall in love with you!, but then I thought Why not? It's not about taking over someone's mind and forcing them to have feelings for you, it's about making things happen, which "TA-DA", is one of my things to remember to do this year.

For example, how likely is it to fall in love while sitting at home watching heroes and gray’s anatomy? Hmmmm, not very likely, eh? How likely is it to fall in love while being antisocial at a party? A little more likely only because other people are involved, but how many guys want to talk to the girl in the corner?

I think the 2007 Fall In Love goal is completely feasible if looked at from the mindset of creating the opportunities to fall in love and for others to fall in love with me. I think it's about being out there and being myself and being absolutely fabulous. Who wouldn't want to fall in love with me? I just need to give them the opportunity!

I love 2007 already!

things that make me swoon :)

things that make me swoon :

+ dancing in the car
+ Eye contact that means something...
It either makes me laugh, makes me feel better, or puts me at ease.
+ overhearing a phone call
+ threatening to tickle me, but NOT DOING IT
+ ordering first
+ holding my hand
+ writing good emails. and often
+ playing the guitar for me
+ smiling when you see me even if you're in a bad mood
+ and then letting me help you get out of the bad mood
+ making me mix CDs that fit my mood perfectly
+ kiss me on the forehead
+ play with my hair
+ to accompany me on a walk
+ clean fun on IM
+ a hug that is so warm and comfortable, you mould into the person
and spend almost forever enjoying the company
+ to be loved back
+ when things work out RIGHT for a change
+ random act of kindness
+ frozen margarita at chilli's
+ manjeet playing with his little boys
+ an unexpected gift for no reason
+ someone to like you for who you are
+ a cuddle from sohrab
+ when my cat comes and snuggles with me in the middle of the night
+ waking up in the morning with the thoughts of that special person
+ people that make you smile just by being near you
+ a cool breeze on a balmy night

to be cont...

mixed up all over again...

There is something bothering me – complete mixed feelings, I don’t know exactly when it started but I know that I need to sort out these feelings right away otherwise my heart and brain would never rest.

I want to start with this feeling I felt regarding my career, the thing is I don’t reckon that the place where I work currently is the best choice for me. I’m not learning anything new, I don’t’ get to face with any challenges, and my network didn’t expand (which is really important in a pr work)… the only thing I experienced here is old-school bureaucracy, I began to regret my decision in joining this local company whilst my heart strongly told me to move to a consultancy firm or multinational company. But one thing that made feel confuse is somehow there’s a little voice inside me beg to differ, this little voice tells me to stay put in this company. Am not big in following little voices inside me but somehow this time, this little voice made it, it made me think and made me all confuse… I want to stop being confused instantly because I need to take serious action in determining what the best next step for my career is…

About this desperation I’m feeling… I really want to take my life to this place I craved for since long. Why I felt the desperation? Because it’s friggin’ hard to make it come true. I know one easy way to made it true but it will cost me a fortune, a fortune that I don’t possessed. I tried to cast these craving away but I can’t, I can’t get this crave out of my mind and my heart. May it is because I really need to get out of this place. Anyway, the bottom-line is I want to go to that “place”. I’m dying to go and live there… I’m dying to leave this place.

I also felt that I miss someone for no particular reason… well! there is a reason but it just not making any sense. That’s why I totally aware that it is impossible to go on to next step, but I miss him… I miss him because I can’t communicate to him normally… I miss him badly… yet again, it doesn’t make any sense and it’s too complicated for me to even talk to anyone ‘bout this… and I’m still missing him…

richard gere types...

They said, that dating different personality types is the most effective way to find out likes, dislikes and deal breakers. I’ve into dating scene long enough to see many of them. I was going out with this fifty-something guy at one point, and let me break down the details of dating these types of men…

* He's old enough to have settled into his skin and has been involved with enough women to know that you require much more than dinner and a few glasses of wine to get into the mood. Best of all, he never makes you late for dinner because he's playing Xbox or hunting boars in the jungle.

* What He'll Teach You: He's got a lifetime of experience to share (in and out of the bedroom), which will likely keep you on your toes (and curling them, too!). Plus, he'll show you how to see life in a different way. No matter how long it lasts or how it ends, you'll walk away worldlier — and will never settle for a measly five minutes of foreplay again.

* Financially – he is much settled in life and money does not play a big role. He’ll most willingly spend bomb on simple things just to make your happy.

* Emotionally – he was there for the difficult times… he was there for the best of times.

* The Catch – Despite the saying age is more than a number… there are questions on the long term compatibility. I was in a total spoilt at one point that he took care of everything for me… but there were questions like how will I feel in ten years down the line? What if he - will not be able to look after me the way he is doing it right now?

The Catch: Despite what Demi and Ashton might say, age is more than a number. If you are just starting to get comfortable in your skin and he's shed his several times, there is a good chance you'll have issues with long-term compatibility. Sure, he's hot now, but how will you feel in 10 years? Give one another a thrill, and then move onto someone you both can relate to.

Happy Birthday!!

It's Monday and more importantly, its Merlina's birthday! Happy Birthday Sweetie! I miss u!!

i'm not ready

This weekend I came to the realization that I'm not ready for a relationship yet. How can I be if I don't like myself enough? This realization hurts on so many different levels. There are still things about me that I can't seem to deal with....why? I'm an intelligent, grown woman; yet if I can't deal with my unappealing side, why should a man want to deal with them and also me dealing with them? Even the whininess of this post is driving me crazy.

cheating on a crush

Is there such a thing as cheating on a crush?

I was talking with some friends and we were just passing the time, trying to decide what constitutes cheating. Since my dating resume has many more Crushes than it has Relationships, I was very intrigued by the questions posed about cheating on a crush. My knee-jerk reaction was to of course think the idea was ludicrous. What exactly would I be cheating on? We aren't committed to each other in any way, shape, or form so how could I be unfaithful to nothing?

A more romantic notion was presented though, which really made my gears start working. If you really like someone and have a profound interest in them, isn't it possible to cheat on the idea of being with them? I think I agree with this (to a certain extent, keep reading).

Some crushes are merely because I am bored while others are more friend crushes and my interests are more sociable. Sometimes though I have a "rip my heart out" type of crush that occupies more of my mind and being than I thought was possible. (like the one im having right now towards mr useless oooppps… conservative) So while my interest lies in this person, yet nothing "real" has come from it, is it possible to cheat on the idea of the crush? Is flirting with others or going on dates with other guys being unfaithful to my feelings? I kinda think it is. Because I’ve literally dump my fifty-something man (rich man) over the conservative guy. If I like someone (him) that much, then how can I not be invested in it and true to it?

However... my next question is... when do you get over a crush? When its enough to not "cheat" on, then how do you move on? At a certain point, either something will come of the crush or it won't, so in the latter scenario, when do you have to move on? A future blog, perhaps.

its been way too long

Dearest blog,

I apologize for neglecting you as of late. I know the world has missed me!!! Lately, I've been so busy living life (fighting some of those inner demons) and preparing to check things off the list that I can't find time to think of something to write.

So to update yo'll, on what has gone (on) in my crazy little life?

1. Not-so-perfect vacation -- OMG that was one hell of a trip. Though Langkawi is the place i love the most in the world, it was sucha depressin vacation of all time. (lesson : never ever plan a "perfect vacation", cuz when it turned out to be a not-so-perfect, it sorta ruin the whole purpose of going on a vacation) -- i'm soooo not planning a perfect vacation.

2. My sweetie from Singapore proposed me last night over a text message. I know what you are thinking...WRONG. He is in hospital in a verge of a depression!!!. So, noooo im not getting married. Although, I might seriously consider the “proposal”.

3. An old flame got married. The bad part is we hooked up last year (right before my birthday) --- guess you can call it a "going away present".

4. I am sorta kicking ass - well at least I think I am - at work.

5. I get the courage to be bold and say how I feel to someone. Only to feel like it was most stupid, dumbest thing that I could have ever done -- I am so out there now and that is so not cool or sexy. I am my own worst enemy.

6. I went to party -- only to walk in and see my old boss. She sat beside me so I had to talk to her.

7. I've been really conflicted lately…

8. I am still wearing my sexy shoes and occasionally dancing in the mirror in lingerie... just for the hell of it.

9. A school friend that I have not spoken with in 10 years called me out of the blue. She was actually my bully... but I had a better looking boyfriend than hers and I guess that made me a little cooler. When I asked about her brother (who I always thought kinda cute) she responded "Girl, ***** say hello!!! You know he is a gay. And…… I just didn't know how to respond.

10. [still thinking]

love... lust... infatuation

As I was heading towards my daily work starting page online, I saw a link for a "How To Tell The Difference Between Love, Infatuation, And Lust". I still, at age of thirty somethin, have not been able to clearly make distinctions between these feelings. Unlike my friend, who says people are too careful with using the big L word (love, for those still half asleep), I probably fall into the camp of saving it for perfect moments and situations. It's not something I guard and I'm not holding onto it like a nun and her virginity, or placing it on a too-high pedestal but, it makes me cringe when it's thrown around. To reference one of my favorite shows, did you hear what George said to Callie on Grey's Anatomy? He wanted to wait to say "I love you" back to her and make sure she knew he meant it. Not the obligatory response to someone else saying it. I loved it when George said that. It's so true.

But anyway, so this article gives a way to make distinctions between these feelings (love, lust, infatuation).

Step 1 is to write down words you associate with the person you feel strongly about such as butterflies, snoring, annoying, holding hands, sex etc.

Step 2 says to circle each feeling with a different color: green for love, yellow for infatuation, and red for lust. (Why doesn't love=red?)

Step 3 then says to see which color stands out. If there is not a clear winner, then move on to the following steps.

Step 4 sucks and says to read scriptures or literature that describes love. Yuck! I don't want to do that because I have enough trouble listening to songs about love and not totally melting.

Step 5 might be good for feedback but will be hard to actually do. Ask friends (or other third party) to give their opinion on what kind of feeling they think it is. Show them your color coded list. I couldn't do this. I would be embarrassed because I wouldn't want to explain to someone the reasons why I may or may not love a person.

Step 6 I could do. Watch a movie that might show the feelings you suspect you have. Cruel Intentions is all about lust, Titanic is about holding onto love forever, The Notebook is about love, etc.

This is an interesting idea, working through complicated feelings by writing them down. Is it possible though to be in lust with someone for years? Or to be infatuated with a person for an extended period of time. Well, yeah, I guess so. I'm thinking of a list of examples…

put into words

Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had. I was on the verge of tears the entire day and almost asked to leave work early because everything was adding to my stress and causing me to want to scream. I know WHY I was in such a horrible mood but it's still stuff I can't even put into words. Not because it's difficult or painful, but because I honestly can not string together the correct verbs and nouns to explain how I was feeling and what sparked my mood. But as I accepted the fact that I couldn't clarify to myself what was going on, it upset me even more that as a result I would not be able to fix the problem. How do you say to someone that you are upset when it can't be that simple and 500 footnotes are needed to explain and clarify. "I miss you" on it's own is both too little and too much.

"Why?" can either open a can of worms or elicit a disappointing and anti-climactic response.

In more lighthearted news, the situation with him (conservative guy) yesterday… I think I smiled more than I had in awhile when I saw him at the function hall. Having all clues point to me was a fun game for the evening but one I had to play with caution. I wouldn't want to come away from the situation with an air of deceitfulness as someone who plays around with matters of the heart. But I think I did a good job and merely filled a role yet kept the flirting to a minimum as to not act interested where I am not.

kick him where it hurts

When I was in primary-4 I had a crush on one of the neighborhood kid, we shall call him chubby cheek, but I was so shy and worried of rejection that I never did anything about it. Sure, it was primary-4 so what all could I have done, but it caused me to miss out a little on that elementary school Boyfriend/Girlfriendness. I tried though, in my little way, to let him know that I did indeed like him back:

I kicked him in the shins while we waited at the bus stop.

I know, it's ridiculous! We would stand there, waiting for the school bus and I would just kick him, over and over in the shins and he would stand there and take it like a "man." Nothing ever came of my weird way of flirting but I think it was because he and his family moved to another town the following year. I kind of missed him for quite awhile and always felt like he would have been my Neighborhood Love had we grown up in the same area. We would have inevitably dated or hooked up or something, I just know it.

But I digress a little because the reason I started writing about kicking the guy I liked is because I'm starting to wonder if I should bring back my elementary way of flirting. I feel like I need to kick some sense into some guys (ok, one in particular) and get em to realize that I'm in like with them.

march - a good month?

Another month has arrived. This month actually is turning my thoughts to what I have achieved in the past coupla months and what I haven’t. I have gotten little more perspective in terms of what I want and what I can do at work. I have obtained my (long due) driving license. I’ve grown up considerably, even though I still have moments of panic, like the thing with me and conservative guy.

Dating.

Oh, have I dated.

Still…

I was actually hoping this year would be THE year. You know, the year where I fell blissfully in love over romantic candlelit dinners, afternoon picnics and evenings at home cooking and had a date for dinners and parties and Saturday nights and got flowers on my birthday and had someone other than nice-guy to go out to.

Not so much!

I did, however, had few wonderful moments with the conservative guy in last coupla months . But it’s not working. It turned out to be “he’s a jack-ass”. And as much as I complain about it, I guess I still do have some sorta feeling towards the jack-ass. I will probably continue on for a few more months at least and take advantage of the whole weird thing that has been happening between us right now.

Maybe!

And I did learn a lot of about how you can be happy even when you’re alone and how you at times have to buy those flowers from bangsar night-market for yourself and not rely on other people – especially men – to make you feel sexy and loved and special and beautiful and charming and irresistible.

Sometimes.

That was the case on the New Year’s Eve, as I seem to have alienated my chance at a midnight kiss (or after hours fun) for the glorious celebration of the changing year. The whole detailed mess is probably best left between the two of us. I can’t decide if, in the end, I owe him an apology or if he owes me one or if the whole thing is being blown royally out of proportion.

Suffice it to say that the correct response to my fifty something guy du Jour when he tells a story that ends with, “And that’s the main reason why I’m not married,” is NOT “Well I know one person who is very glad that you’re not married,” followed by a soft kiss on the lips.

No matter how cute you are.

No matter how drunk you are.

No matter how low-cut your dress is.

No matter how sexy you look in those shoes.

Certain things are meant to be…

i've been a bad, bad blogger...

But to be quite honest, i haven't felt like explaining my current situation regarding members of the opposite sex. It would take up pages and really, i don't think you want to read about it ;-) So instead, i will describe to you the difference between men i am attracted to and men that are attracted to me.

Men I am attracted to:

~are quite intelligent. most times a bit more intelligent than me.

~are quite proficient in the usage of english

~have an incredible sense of humor

~have a slight arrogance about them

~are goal-oriented

~like relationships/love but are not complete horn dogs

~are taller than me

~are scruffy

Men that tend to be attracted to me:

~are more street smart than book smart... which leads to them having a

~lack in proficient english grammatical skills

~do not have much of a sense of humor

~are quite narcissistic

~are only after one thing. and you know what that thing is

~complete idiots (literally)

~way too old for me

Now, i'm not saying that the men i am attracted to are not attracted to me. It happens, just not as often as I'd like it to.

This makes it very hard for me. With this list of "pros" and "cons" i head off to the labyrinth of fantasy land. That's right. Perhaps the men will be fruitful and my multiplying need for a good kiss will be satisfied. Wish me luck ladies...