is there more?

Have you ever asked yourself why do bad things happen to good people? I have, and recently find myself across this question more than usual.

The past week has taught me some new lessons and reminded me of ones I learned in the past as well. Over the last few months I’ve been dealing with some personal things. For a starter, my mom’s health has been deteriorating knowing for sure that I’m going to lose her soon. She might not have been a good mother to me though she is one of those really kind hearted, gentle and compassionate person I’ve ever known. The painful part is beneath the serene image of hers I know that she is fighting for her life. Often I find myself deliberately pick a fight with her so that I will not get too attached. Meanwhile, my finances have gone down the drain while struggling to pay my bills and to make ends meet. And, not to mention the medical bill that had sky rocked. With all this, I’m sitting here wondering why bad things always seem to happen to us. Are we bad? Then, why are we the one who suffer, struggle against adversity and facing all this obstacles in life? Life isn’t fair, it’s never been fair to me and something tells me that it never will be.

I am a professional woman who is hard-working, faithfully showed up every day, worked extra hours and took work home at night to complete it when necessary. Take extra initiatives to do things at work, completed all assigned task and additional tasks sometime. I have contributed… and contributed… and contributed… to the company. But that is still not enough for the people with lifelong mission is to make the rich richer, the kinda people who run the world at their own terms.

I have spent all my life being strong, independent and self-sufficient woman, depending on no one but me – yet there was I… stood there sobbing uncontrollably, way out of my character, pleading if he could adjust my salary hoping there would be a ‘human’ in him somewhere deep down in his heart… to no avail! Even a small change in my pay could have made huge difference at my current stage. All I wanted was to be able to pay my mother’s medical bill that had snowballed over the years but he would rather give it to those who don’t even need it. I would have owe my life to him if he would have shown at least little bit of compassion… but he chosed not to! Of course I can’t blame him… it’s the world that filled with cruelty! And It’s all kinda strange, but it seems as if god takes certain people and gives them terrible hardships. I hardly ask for help from anyone! So, you can imagine how devastated I was when I found myself in his room pleading for help. Being poor is not something new to me though this time around it’s different… and it’s involves another person and i have look after my mom, i'm afraid that there might be more bills that to come in future and i have no idea how to handle all by myself. This is when i feel like when bad things keep happening again and again I feel like I’ve being punished in some way by the universe for no reason.

Life may be asking us to experience conditions of hardship to elevate or compassion. It may want to tenderize us or have us stand forth our integrity. It may be that life has a job for us and we need to develop certain qualities to make it work. Or we may need to drop certain other qualities. Anyway, like I said earlier I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week and I’ve looked at my own life and those around me. I looked at people who still manage to love in spite of all the bad things that have happened to them. The thing is, will I be able to do the same? With everything that has been going on, will I ever be able to let that all go… all the hatred and resentment and to give it up to god. Last coupla days, I have been trying very hard to forgive him and keep encouraging myself to allow to-be open to life. But as I’m writing this post while tears keep flowing and flowing I’m keep wondering why he had to do this to me? What did I ever do to him? It’s like the world is made of ocean of cruelty and inhumanity and I don’t think I will ever understand this no matter how many lifetimes I live. It’s times like this I’m trying very hard to renew my faith in god and assure me that may be I can learn to love him again.

I’m kinda nervous to hit “publish” on this one.