fevered thoughts...

"Still"

I am the harm which you inflict.
I am your brilliance and frustration.
I'm the nuclear bombs if they're to hit.
I am your immaturity and your indignance.
I am your misfits and your praised.
I am your doubt and your conviction.
I am your charity and your rape.
I am your grasping and expectation.

I see you averting your glances.
I see you cheering on the war.
I see you ignoring your children,
And I love you still.
And I love you still.

I am your joy and your regret.
I am your fury and your elation.
I am your yearning and your sweat.
I am your faithless and your religion.

I see you altering history.
I see you abusing the land.
I see you, your selective amnesia,
And I love you still.
And I love you still.

I am your tragedy and your fortune.
I am your crisis and delight.
I am your profits and your prophets.
I am your art, I am your vice.
I am your death and your decisions.
I am your passion and your plight.
I am your sickness and convalescence.
I am your weapons and your light.

I see you holding your grudges.
I see you gunning them down.
I see you silencing your sisters,
And I love you still.
And I love you still.
I see you lie to your country.
I see you forcing them out.
I see you blaming each other,
And I love you still.
And I love you still.

the most difficult part of work... and life!

Hi all,

January, February and now March seems like flying by…

And, I’ve sat down to write this post almost everyday for the past one week and have gone through a million different variations in my mind. In some ways… 
mostly related to life, work etc…

It’s Monday… I slept in on both Saturday & Sunday, went to coffee place and read the papers (yes, the print version) and watched tons of movies… Forest Gump, X-men 2, LOTR the two towers, Angels & demons etc. Also, some reflecting back moments in my life. I love being taken back to moments; some are good, some are not… For example – the day my dad was killed in an accident! January 28^th, 1998, it has been 14 years, still brings tears in my eyes if I reflect back on the thought of it.

Well, this isn’t an easy road… but it’s the road we all find ourselves on. The small victories are milestones along the way just as the losses are around-about life lessons. But thanks to both!

I think it is absolutely amazing how universe often takes us down paths in life, which we never imagined we’d led down. How life tugs us different direction, that we never even seen as an option. Every step we take is a new lesson to be learned.

I’ve notice people are ‘always’ quick to complaint about how miserable they are. I know I do most of the time! But really, what have we done to change that?

I’m keep-hearing remark(s) from my friends that if you’re not happy with your job, leave it. There are tons of jobs that will fit your needs that you can put your god given talents into. So, I’ve made my mind, instead of complaining 'bout it all day long, I’d decided to leave! Find another job where people actually able to value my capability, knowledge and most importantly can hear my voice. Still looking for one though I know I’ll get one sooner or later.

Its feels like I’ve wasted so much time here. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, do things my own, stand up for myself, my beliefs… they call me a bitch, immature and problematic staff. No matter how difficult or confusing the path was… I stayed on all these while here because deep down inside I always believed that the boss is still a good man… a man of his word! I know I’m not perfect and I can’t pretend to be one as well. But for what he has done or rather behaved in last coupla weeks, I seriously wish that I could/should/would have… tell him off… to his face that I’m smart, capable and most importantly I am free in all ways you are not. It’s my right to make few mistakes and if you can’t accept few of my imperfections, that’s your fault. At least I have the courage to speak my own thoughts and be honest about myself. And, I have guts to share my fears, vulnerabilities, tears and insecurities. What do you have? A fake and a life full of pretends and denials?!

Anyway, screw them all… 
I’m not going to let these people to ruin my life!

Last few days, I’ve been thinking a lot on this…. On how to move on! Well, growth… that was my one word universe often takes us down paths in life. And truthfully, only time can reveal the meaning behind each step that we take, and each direction that we walk, in life.

I’ve always been a kind of individual who finds happiness in the simplest of things. But I must admit, the magnitude of happiness is amazing… when you sit back and allow the universe to lead you down most unexpected paths, that one of the most unexpected paths, that he ultimately already knew he’d direct you towards.

So, this is it! I’m moving on… to a new path, towards new direction. But I know there are many hills upfront… 

Does karma really exist?

I used to be a devout believer in it.  But now I'm starting to doubt it's existence.  I see more and more assholes living great lives, while nice people continue to be screwed over by everyone.

I don't know.  I like to think that things happen for a reason, but sometimes it's very hard to justify.  I'm beginning to think that sometimes, for no good reason, we just get a raw deal.  

Some of you wonder why I hate rich, well, why do I hate these people? I do not know…  Well, I don’t really hate them.  I am just frustrated with them.  I am frustrated that sometime they think they’re better than other people.  And I just don't like how they have game the system in their favor.  It makes me wonder why they behave the way they do sometime… is there a karma? Why can’t they get punished for their actions?

Something crop up to me today that perhaps bad people may "prosper" in our eyes, we don't see what they're going through behind closed doors or even internally. People who did bad things to others and who do deserve a bit of bad karma on them may not get their just desserts immediately, or as we see fit anyway. I think people will get what's coming to them EVENTUALLY...it may not be till their deathbed days, but they'll still get what's coming to them. And no, death isn't what's coming to them as a result of their karma...but I do believe they will eventually get it.

As for me, I try not to think of it in terms of deserving something. I just think that wherever I am, whatever I'm going through, that's where I'm supposed to be at that moment. Everything happens for a reason… cliché. I believe that. If I stubbed my toe, maybe God wants me to be more careful when I do things. I was at work today trying to fix something and kept dropping the thing I was holding. I counted. I dropped it twice during a simplified task. Eventually I was like come on!! But then I thought that maybe the world wants me to slow down and be more careful. So I slowed down. Didn't drop it again. 

Whatever the bad luck I’m going through or whoever is causing it, I believe there's a reason. And I guess I just have to learn to deal with it and then try to be better with certain things. I do hope things work out for me soon.