what if...?

So often I hear the following phrase, "But I don't want to mess up our friendship." and for a long time I was not only someone uttering those same words but I was a firm believer that friendships should be taken care of. But earlier today, it occured to me: Why be miserable maintaining a friendship when there could be so much more? Why live with the words "What if...?"

What if we date and can't get back to being friends?

Well, maybe if a friendship can't withstand a try at love it wasn't the most stable friendship to begin with. But what if...you never tried and you are only friends with Mr/Mrs. Right for the rest of your life?

I'm not even going to try to say I've met someone whom I would consider "Mr. Right" but, I know the frustration and at times, heartache of having an intense desire to know if there could be something more with a friend. They are feelings that have waned over the years so that now I know things worked out how they should have with those people. As I face these same situations at this point in my life, I definitely have a different outlook.

I have not come to a conclusion about potentially ending a friendship for a try at love. This just a theory, but i am also torn over the following questions :

Which is worse...only being friends with someone who might be your "soul mate" (a future blog topic, yes) or losing a friend in a quest of find that "what if"?

at a loss for words

Ok, I’m gonna come straight to the point at today’s post.

So, we all know how boys and their...uhm...well, their 'part' comes in different sizes right? Well, completely unbeknownst to me... so do women!!

Apparently one hooha is not the same as the next!! I am aghast (new word I’ve picked up lately) people!

So, now I've got all these questions... is one size better than the other? Do men have a preference? Does it play a factor in their (u know) sexual satisfaction?

Worst of all, how do you know if you have a right hooha or not? Now I'm all paranoid... worried that I could be walking around with an abnormal hooha. :o(

relationship junkyard

Pat Benetar the 80's rock singer so eloquently once stated, "Love is a battlefield."

That being the case, what happens to the relationship wreckage? Where does all the love you had for that person go and what happens to the broken hearts? I know that there are still a few out there ticking away, precariously held together with bits of tape and glue but what about the ones that are broken beyond repair?

Could it be that all of our old feelings and broken bits are taken to a relationship junkyard...sorted out to see what can be used for parts and what gets thrown into the scrap heap?

I'd like to think that someone would wander in and stumble across my little, wounded heart and say, "I can't believe someone would have thrown this away. All it needs is a little work and it'll be like new again."

i said no...

to having kids, right now and probably ever, and I don't feel bad about it.

*stands on large soapbox*

Now hear this! I don't particularly like children. They're cute when they smile, and they smell like baby powder and holding one for a few minutes is fine, but beyond that...I don't like the little buggers.

*and half of the readers of this blog go running into the dark, screaming words like 'childhater' and 'selfish'*

I remember fondly having the same dream that I imagine lots of other girls who are between the ages of 13 and 18 have about getting married and raising a pack of children. Then reality in the form of high school, college and the real world slapped me around and made me realize that I don't usually want to take care of me let alone some tiny person. And some incident that happened in Bangsar yesterday showed me that I'm not alone. Not that I thought I was, but its not something that people talk about.

I mean you don't see that lone female, guy or couple of a certain age, who are without the typical accoutrements of parenthood (pacifier, bottle, baby wipes, kiddie leash, etc.) and walk up to them and say casually, "no kids... good on you mate!" Its just not done. However, I did have a lady in the elevator walk up to me "if you have kids," to which I responded without a beat, "Oh I don't like children." She was shocked, I wasn't. She quickly recovered with a refreshing, "I've never heard someone actually say that before." And surprisingly enough she wasn't offended at all. More like she was shocked to actually hear someone say it out loud.

I'll be up front about it, I'm selfish. I like my things the way they are, I like my body (sometimes) the way it is, I like having really cool glassware and going on trips (if I can afford them), and drinking a lot (if I want) and not having to worry about if some other soccer mom sees me, or if my kid's teacher sees me doing something else that isn't part of the parent approved behavior. I like being independent.

Having kids, while it brings a certain joy into the lives of some or many, doesn't do the same for me. It holds none of the happy, shiny thoughts it did when I was younger. In fact it has the opposite effect. I've got little ones at my godparents. I haven't seen them in some time and while I take no pride in that, because I do have a heart (somewhere under this thick skin and through the barbed wire), I don't like being made to feel guilty by a society obsessed with procreation and everyone wanting, nay needing to have kids.

Instead, I'm perfectly happy to see my friends with kids, remark on how cute they are (or not remark at all if I don't think they're Gerber material), and move on. In ten years when I'm still childless and jetting off to Fiji or struggling to get pregnant I'll look back on this and either laugh at the irony of the situation or take another sip of my champagne in first class and wonder if I can fit a massage in when I touch down.

it's my birthday... and i'll cry if i want to...

Two nights ago (Halloween), was my birthday. Yes, I was born on Halloween. No, I do not do Halloweeny things though it is an awesome, evil, carnivalesque pagan holiday which means on this day I get two bites at the apple.

This year I’d decided to celebrate at Langkawi (on my own). It was very awesome, especially because I never had such a birthday. To look at my past, I never celebrated my birthday till I reach my twenties and started to live on my own. My family members are not so big on birthdays, and mine was a definitely no-fun kinda family. So, now I celebrate birthday unabashedly. It’s nice, if age-affirming.

In actuality I’m not quite so ‘young’ anymore though –used to be precociously young for everything – now I’m just at that right age, or even older than the average. It is all very strange. In many ways though, this is an era for me: I have entered my “thirties” – and the twenties are thankfully past…J I’m entering that stage of life in which I should be pretty well on my way towards all the scary things that comes with adulthood; a career, someplace to eventually settle down, someone to settle down with, a mortgage to pay, a household to build.

However I have to admit to the fact that, the excitement of being in my thirties kinda muted this year. I guess I just figured that my life would be a smidgen different by now. I thought I would have accomplished more. I have expected to have the big steady job, the great steady boyfriend, and you know, an entire complete life. But I guess that’s not realistic. I mean, I’m still pretty young for all that, right? I don’t’ have a swanky crazy-go-nuts paying job, but I’m working towards getting my dream job by doing little bit of homework here and there. I don’t have some steamy boyfriend, but I’m putting myself out there to find one. That’s what counts, right? The bottom line is, I’m not at my dreams yet, but I’m on the right path.

And for now, I’m happy to be who I am – a single girl who lives a fabulous life learning interesting things and new methodologies; just starting to write my thoughts and finding them surprisingly well-received; still having enough free time to figuring things out and still having what kids these days call “fun”.

So to celebrate my birthdayness – I’m going to give you guys a look at beautiful langkawi…