the eternal wife... dance, drama & dazzle!

Watching an Indian classical dance show isn’t the first time for me, but watching a classical indian tragedy dance drama with the touch of a kama sutra would be the first time experience. What is more incredible is the dancers were consisting of diverse shapes, colours and from various ethnical backgrounds. Also, the startling part is the show starts with a performance of worshiping of the Lord Shiva with the setting of a Shiva temple; In-fact there were many abinayas (gesture) in the performance throughout the show in regards to worshipping of Lord Shiva. Let me tell you this, Lord Shiva is a hindu God… he is like an ultimate form of Hinduism! And, seeing these performers (from various ethnical background) express their movements and techniques of an indian classical dance flawlessly and most importantly without prejudice is something I didn't expect to see... not in this land! The dancers were absolutely remarkable in articulate their abinayas and hastas... in a pure hindu way! The eye movements, the hand gestures and every single step were performed immaculately despite the fact that some of the dancers were not actually trained to perform bharathanatyam originally. And, seeing them dancing seriously made me shed some tears cause I missed the chance of completing my bharathanatyam.

I have to admit that the choreographer, directors and everyone else involves in this production did an amazing job!

And, I also must say that in a way, it’s an eye opener for me too, because... you see, despite the fact that I’ve always been fascinated by Malaysian Art Loving Community, you know, the kind of people that love theatre, music and plays... I have to confess that once or twice I’ve made some fun remarks of these people, perhaps it’s because of their individuality and how they expressed these things. But now I get it… I totally get it! These are group of people who might dress-up or even behave oddly in times but what they all have in common is that they love art... without boundaries (& bigotry). So, thanks anu... for taking me along for these shows. Believe it or not it actually helps me a lot! Because when I’m with these people somehow I feel very relaxed and easy as if I’m at my world with my kinda people who speak my language! And they don’t look at me in a weird way...

escapism or desperate move from reality...

I have fallen down into the addictive world of light romantic fiction (or chick lit)… again. This happens to me every now and then. Since I have disconnected my cable and sick of watching same stuff over and over in my dvd player… I’d picked up my old habit of reading at home. However, no matter how many wonderful other books I have in my book shelves, no matter how many months/years I have waited to read them, all I want to do is curl up with my chick lit featuring a twenty-something heroine, a well-matched hero and a happy ending. I’m not sure if this counts as simple escapism anymore or whether it has spilled over into desperate-move-from-reality territory.

What really surprising is just few years back I was big ridiculous book snob. If it had a pink cover, I would not go near it. If it was on a bestseller list, I would not touch it. If it had the Oprah mark of approval, all it earned from me was a sneer. Oh yes, I was delightful and not at all annoying as an adolescent.

It is strange that these are the books I get the most comfort from these days, be they by Sophie Kinsella, Cecelia Ahern, Melissa Hill or any other light romance writer, are books that I turned my nose up at so violently nowadays. In early days my prejudice against these genre lasted far longer than any of my other snobbish inclinations, right up until the last few years. I had this mental image of the kind of women who read these books as either mindless housewives or desperate old maids, locked up with their books and their cats. And there is nothing I am more afraid of in life than becoming one of those old maids – and not just because I’m not a big fan of cats, which seem to be a required accessory. I read these books because they entertain me and make me happy and because, logically, I know that there is no single ‘type’ of reader for these books, not given their massive popularity. But then my mother spots me with one of these books, reminds me that I am thirty something and alone, and that the only one of those things that is going to change if I keep reading those books is my age, and the image of the old maid and her cats surges back into my mind. But it is a vicious circle: the more my mother chides me for reading, the more I want the comfort and escapism books provide.

I don’t really know how to conclude this. As yet, there clearly is no conclusion for me. I just (just! Ha!) want my life to be a little more novel-esque – any meaningful plot development, any new characters, any romance would be an improvement over its current trajectory – but freeze when it comes to making any changes that would lead to such progress. So, sometimes, I read instead, as a substitute for having new experiences of my own. And I kind of hate that about myself.

cause I've got one hand in my pocket...

Alanis Morissette’s song Hand in My Pocket from her Jagged Little Pill album is playing in my Mp3 player as I write this... I've never been a great interpreter of song lyrics, but I’ve always liked this one for its ambiguity. It seems to be saying to me that there are two sides to everything. One hand is in the pocket and the other one is doing something else... It’s like when things are not going really great, you don’t have to look over your shoulder and that life has a wonderful randomness to it...

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry, baby

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty, baby...

How odd as I just realized that the song seems totally appropriate (word by word) for me (except for the part I’m young and underpaid, well, I am underpaid but not sure ‘bout the young part). The song actually reflects exactly how I feel right now! And, the thing is Alanis is about my age right now and this song was written almost 15 years ago! And I remember, I felt as if it was my theme-song back then when it was newly released and how strangely it's stilllll reflects how I feel right this moment... after 15 years! Was it me... who hasn't been evolving (in a good way) all this time or was it the song that is so incredibly wonderful that it could possibly plays a significant part at any age...

Sirilah Raman... Perplexed!

the notebook... can we live up to it!

What I’ve learnt in recent days is, no matter how independent and self-sufficient we are it is still always nice to be looked after and to be loved unconditionally. It provides a sense of security, similar to that of when we were young and our parents looked after us. For those who have seen the movie “Notebook”, in the film, you can see clearly that Noah the hero loves Ally at her best and at her worst and he stands by her no matter what. The film literally takes the traditional marriage vows and has Noah live by example with them ‘in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health, for better for worse, for richer for poorer’.

To see that he has stood by her like this makes any woman melt at her knees. May be that is why most women (like me) will always love the movie. But the fun part is most men I’ve known dislike the movie because they think that a man like Noah does not really exist. Also, we have to remember that it is just a movie and is romanticized for the purpose of selling the story.

However, keep in mind ladies that your man may not be like Noah, but maybe he can offer you something better… something real. So what if he does not write 365 letters to you? If he makes you laugh, and holds you when you cry, and loves you despite your meltdowns, then he is a wonderful man. Who wants perfection anyway!?   

I'm ready...

Ready to celebrate and cherish the moments…

To go out for what I want without any guarantees…

To leave behind the things that wrong for me…

Ready to forgive…

Ready to face all of life’s unexpected twist…

To pursuit happy ending which may never come…

To let go when it’s too pain to hold on…

Ready to turn the page!

is there more?

Have you ever asked yourself why do bad things happen to good people? I have, and recently find myself across this question more than usual.

The past week has taught me some new lessons and reminded me of ones I learned in the past as well. Over the last few months I’ve been dealing with some personal things. For a starter, my mom’s health has been deteriorating knowing for sure that I’m going to lose her soon. She might not have been a good mother to me though she is one of those really kind hearted, gentle and compassionate person I’ve ever known. The painful part is beneath the serene image of hers I know that she is fighting for her life. Often I find myself deliberately pick a fight with her so that I will not get too attached. Meanwhile, my finances have gone down the drain while struggling to pay my bills and to make ends meet. And, not to mention the medical bill that had sky rocked. With all this, I’m sitting here wondering why bad things always seem to happen to us. Are we bad? Then, why are we the one who suffer, struggle against adversity and facing all this obstacles in life? Life isn’t fair, it’s never been fair to me and something tells me that it never will be.

I am a professional woman who is hard-working, faithfully showed up every day, worked extra hours and took work home at night to complete it when necessary. Take extra initiatives to do things at work, completed all assigned task and additional tasks sometime. I have contributed… and contributed… and contributed… to the company. But that is still not enough for the people with lifelong mission is to make the rich richer, the kinda people who run the world at their own terms.

I have spent all my life being strong, independent and self-sufficient woman, depending on no one but me – yet there was I… stood there sobbing uncontrollably, way out of my character, pleading if he could adjust my salary hoping there would be a ‘human’ in him somewhere deep down in his heart… to no avail! Even a small change in my pay could have made huge difference at my current stage. All I wanted was to be able to pay my mother’s medical bill that had snowballed over the years but he would rather give it to those who don’t even need it. I would have owe my life to him if he would have shown at least little bit of compassion… but he chosed not to! Of course I can’t blame him… it’s the world that filled with cruelty! And It’s all kinda strange, but it seems as if god takes certain people and gives them terrible hardships. I hardly ask for help from anyone! So, you can imagine how devastated I was when I found myself in his room pleading for help. Being poor is not something new to me though this time around it’s different… and it’s involves another person and i have look after my mom, i'm afraid that there might be more bills that to come in future and i have no idea how to handle all by myself. This is when i feel like when bad things keep happening again and again I feel like I’ve being punished in some way by the universe for no reason.

Life may be asking us to experience conditions of hardship to elevate or compassion. It may want to tenderize us or have us stand forth our integrity. It may be that life has a job for us and we need to develop certain qualities to make it work. Or we may need to drop certain other qualities. Anyway, like I said earlier I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week and I’ve looked at my own life and those around me. I looked at people who still manage to love in spite of all the bad things that have happened to them. The thing is, will I be able to do the same? With everything that has been going on, will I ever be able to let that all go… all the hatred and resentment and to give it up to god. Last coupla days, I have been trying very hard to forgive him and keep encouraging myself to allow to-be open to life. But as I’m writing this post while tears keep flowing and flowing I’m keep wondering why he had to do this to me? What did I ever do to him? It’s like the world is made of ocean of cruelty and inhumanity and I don’t think I will ever understand this no matter how many lifetimes I live. It’s times like this I’m trying very hard to renew my faith in god and assure me that may be I can learn to love him again.

I’m kinda nervous to hit “publish” on this one.

good triumphs over evil? i doubt that!

I am curious where people stand on this topic. It seems to be one of those that float around in various subjects such as religion and spirituality. With the common belief that "don't worry because in the end, good always triumphs over evil."

I am of the belief that it is just a fairy tale. I think that a more accurate statement is that most of the time evil triumphs over good and it’s not the other way round. Trust me, I just had a sudden experience meeting a living proof of an evil!

Our world is built on power. The people who run the world have all the power - the same amoral people who will get away with things. And of course the other group - decent, gentle and kind people are pretty much screwed in this world.

I guess we can look at when "good has triumphed over evil". Probably a prime example would be the allies defeating the Nazi's in WWII. Unfortunately though, we are far from some sort of benevolent entity. The history surrounding WWII doesn't show a whole lot of "good" anywhere, just varying degrees of evil. We keep replacing one master with another. The end is still the same. Average people exploited for the benefit of the few.

Sometime I really wish I could believe that in the end good will triumphs over evil, but right now I only think it is something we tell ourselves so we can sleep at night.

sleep tight...

I have to be up in roughly four hours to get ready for work. Why am I not asleep?

Because going to sleep involves turning the music off, disconnecting from the internet, getting in my bed and clearing my head in order to drift off to sleep... Can I clear my head, though? Not at all.

I'll cry if i want to...

Last coupla weeks has been trying and nerve-racking; and there were several moments where I wanted to burst out crying in the office. Yes, I am going to admit it, I am an emotional person. There was even a point in the week when an old friend called to get an update and I just explained I couldn't talk work stuff because I was at work and I didn't want to have a break down. Let me just say this, working in a large organisation has been beyond stressful.

This got me thinking though, how many of you have cried in the workplace? Seen a colleague cry? And how do you handle it?

Stress is my major point of weakness when it comes to wanting to burst out into tears. It may be long hours, some insane and demonically possesed people at work or a pending deadline that goes off track, but crying is a source of release for me. In the beginning of my career, managing this kind of stress was so new to me that it lead to many crying sessions and more than I would care to admit. However over the last several years I have gotten better about managing this stress and have learned how awful it really is to cry in front of my colleagues and bosses. It makes me feel weak and less respected, so now I avoid it all costs.

For me, learning to manage my tears has come with time and I know there are still lots to learn when it comes to stress management. Here are several things that I do:

· Take a short 5-10 min toilet break
· Take a coffee or lunch break
· Do something personal to clear my mind off of work
· Walk outside and make a phone call
· Make a to do list to map out how I am going to get everything done
· Take deep breaths
· Turn on my mp3 player for a little bit

One thing I learned not to do unless I have a friend working with me that I trust, is to go crying to a colleague. If my tears are about to come when I am talking to someone, I quickly end the conversation and head for a private location.

Now reversing roles, what do you do if its someone else who is shedding tears? When this happens to me, my number one thought is get them out of sight of everyone else who might be able to see that they are crying. I usually suggest we get out of the office to continue to address what is going on. Then from there I make sure they know I am there for them and this session will be between us only. If its stress I try to unburden them and see what I can do to take a load from them, otherwise I just listen and try to be a good listener-and that's all.

Maybe god always has a reason for allowing bad things to happen

This is not a political post but I would like to underline few issues that some of us are facing on daily basis in our lives. These are serious issues and sometime I wonder why not many are taking it seriously? Some of us are even have become immune to it. It’s discrimination; in my opinion we all have the right to not be discriminated against based on simple things like gender, race or even size of our waist. And I strongly agreeing to the fact that in life naturally liberals tend to have two sets of rules, one set that applies to all of those who liberals label as ‘victims’, and another set of rules that apply to everyone else.

Most types of discriminations are very subtle. While not legal, these discriminations happen on daily basis and believe it or not almost all of us being discriminated one way or another in our lives. And if you can prove it’s happening you might have legal remedies, but how can you prove it? More often than not, you can’t. For example, one of the worst places for such discrimination is in the workplace. Imagine, you just won’t get that promotion, raise or that special bonus you've been hoping for and you may “know” that it’s because you’re belong to that minority group or you belong to a weaker gender (as if we gonna get PMS and ruin the whole empire) or just because you are an overweight person. Now you tell me, how can we prove this? by complaining it to the authorities? I don’t think any of this going to work… the truth is, there is nothing you can do about it! You just have to accept the faith! Or perhaps look for better place to work; the think is no one can assure that you will not face the similar problem at the other place.

When the news of some colleagues receiving promotions or a higher salary than us certainly creates all sorts of negative feelings among employees. So, when it happens to me, I assume it would be a right timing for me to present my case asking for salary review. I guess one of the biggest taboos at work is to talk about salary; it creates dissatisfaction among both employees & employers. I was just plain curious why some get to climb the ladder much faster than the rest… because they are really better than us or was it because they are prettier & glamour-er than us? Oooooor was it because their hair is much straighter than mine!!?? I must also say that most people are normally not content with their salaries, I know I do sometime I guess it’s a normal human condition. Some even goes to the extend of believing that they are the one working harder that the rest – but in my case, I had pretty acceptable reasons and I said it loud and clearly – in fact I l listed in bullet points that I do deserve this. And, I didn't say that I am better than them, I just said that I’m equally talented and I deserve a chance as well.

It has been a while since I request for this with my work place – I guess it has been deliberately forgotten since there was no whatsoever response from them. Of course then there were all sorts of questions keep popping up in my head… What went wrong here? I'm not saying that I have been discriminated here but I'm keep wondering what is the problem? Why am I not getting any answers? Or perhaps my performance is actually not so good? Maybe my superior is not happy with something I did which I’m not aware of? Or perhaps it is all because of the skin colour… because I’m not one of them! Or even because I’m fat and not fit to work and that I’m a slob… How can I figure this out unless they would have at least tried to acknowledge my request! Why i was not even given a chance?

Seriously, with this kind of treatment I’m getting, how can I not to contemplate the fact that there is a discrimination factor here? … are they are saying that all those people are really better than me? If seriously they are not then why can't they at least consider looking at request and work through my strengths and guide me with my weaknesses so that I’ll have my fair chance in future? Now, it all seems like they not right! It’s more like who I am or rather what colour is my skin rather than what I can do for this organisation :(

I guess it’s normal because believe it or not I am one of those who have been affected in a great length in my whole life - being discriminated in the past and it's still going on... I actually learnt the hard way of being a minority in a society and it was not easy. Discrimination against race, gender and being fat is happening everyday. I also learnt that being me at this point of time - in this country - is certainly not a hip thing. And no one who is not an INDIAN FEMALE & OBESE will ever understands this… As for me, for all the trails I've encountered; I am still far from being humble or patient on things like this. However, the only consolation I have right now is, I just tell myself everyday that maybe god always has a reason for allowing bad things to happen.

all i need is...

A really great kiss!

I can't recall the last time I actually kissed someone....

Well OK, yeah...there was one peck on the cheek with that little Lokesh last week – but that doesn’t count cause he is only two.

And I did kiss my ex once during his visit – that was the goodbye kiss which was actually quite nice and very sweet. But that was nearly coupla years ago! Oh... that OTHER guy in Penang, I forgot his name… and that was like more than a year ago.

I want that anticipation of leaning in...lips inches apart...the sound of a man's racing heart echoing in my own chest.

I want the feeling of his fingers carressing my skin as his lips brush against mine.

I want my toes to tingle.

I want someone to kiss me...and really mean it.

eat, drink & party!

We arrived safe and sound at Langkawi, the second trip to Langkawi with Anu. On our way to our hotel, Awana Porto Malai, we drove along the popular Pantai Chenang and it was full of foreigners/westerners. Once we got into our room, it must have taken us only 3-4 minutes before we set on our journey to explore the island from there. We just felt like driving around and listening to music. So, after a late lunch at “T-Jays”, we decided to go to Kuah town to check out some duty-free stuff.

Our preferred mode of transportation on Langkawi had a little mishap on our 1^st day at the island due to over-excitement & compilation of funny luck, fortunately we all survived the little bad-luck with very little damage to our pockets.

After the mishap turned miracle escape we drove back to Pantai Chenang in our rental and spent rest of the afternoon doing nothing but chilling-out by the beach and watching lot of foreigners and Rastafarian look-alike locals playing volleyball by the beach. It was a great atmosphere with the odd Jet Ski buzzing around despite the place feeling really laid-back. For the first time in ages, I actually felt like I was in a real holiday.

I could say that Langkawi is, in a way, understated – it is beautiful up to the point where it wasn't a huge tourist destination like Ko Samui or Bali. Sometime I wonder the island is so ridiculously beautiful that the rest of the world failed to catch on. Anyway, I like it because of the laid-back, small, friendly people and cheap factors. And, this time around I met some great people too, people were super duper times by hundred nicer than people back here in KL.

On our second day we took a ride on a cable car to the top of a mountain with a great view of the whole island. Anu had some fun there with her cool Heineken hat :). Then, we spend the afternoon back at Pantai Chenang, walking from one end of the beach to other and occasional dip into the warm sea. We felt like we were finally in paradise. There were lots of nice restaurants lined up and down along Pantai Chenang and people fly across the blue sky on their para sail or across the crystal sea on their jet ski. Before long, we were ready for a shower and we head back to our hotel to get ready for the night ahead.

We had our dinner at what calls itself a best Indian restaurant in Langkawi. It’s bordering on south/north Indian cuisine and the service was superb, partly because Anu is somewhat related to the owner.

Leaving the restaurant we went back to Pantai Chenang for our boat trip to take us to the Full-Moon party at Monkey Island. The boat trip was bit frightening though the trip worth every penny. After an evening of dancing and laughing we get into the ‘Rastafarian style’ boat back to the Pantai Chenang and drove back to our hotel and Anu and I are asleep by… oooo… as early as 4 or 5am. It was a fun evening especially we giggling about the whole scenario.

All in all, a whirlwind experience and fabulous 3 days! It went by too quickly, as it always does, but of course it’s nice to be “home” in KL. Sorry it’s taken me bit long to post this, but hopefully it is thoroughly detailed and makes you just a little jealous :).

who started the love/hate relationship?

A recent trip to boss’s office reminded me how easy it is to hate people just because they have authority over you. I went over to him with the intention of clarifying few issues that didn’t go well in the earlier meeting. However, the second discussion turned out worst than the first one as we both ended up saying things that we shouldn’t be saying to each other… well, at least I know I did!

I’ve got to agree that my boss is a no-nonsense kinda guy. If he’s sitting in front of you it can be for one or two reasons. Either you screwed up pretty badly (like the both incidents pertaining to my previous subordinates) or he wants to ask you a question he already has the answers to.

Meeting him face-to-face was a big mistake! Truth be told, he has been quite gracious to me throughout my tenure here. But I have to admit that the distance between me and him is measured in miles! (not literally though cuz on the surface he is kinda close me) what i meant was - he is so close to some of us yet so far away! I guess when you’re far away you tend to make things up in your mind on how people are then what they are in reality.

Nowadays, I find that he is often inconsistent with his approach telling me one thing and expecting another. And as usual me being the big rebel, told him what’s on my mind the other day though what I’ve failed to do is to get my facts straight before shooting my complaints. My mistake! I remember the days when I was totally into him – you know when he hires me and shows some favours...etc. But somehow along the way it all got turned the other way around.

Is he my “parent” now? What am I – a chopped liver?

in a mood...

Rainy days and the impending holiday season...

I don't know what it is about the combination of the two...but they've landed me on my bed snuggled up in blankets, spending the whole day watching every romanctic movie I own, wishing I had someone here to cuddle up to.

Instead, I'm alone.

So I snuggle deeper in the blankets...allowing other men's words to wash over me. And for one brief moment in time, I can pretend they were meant for me.

i'm back... after a breakdown!

Here I am getting ready to go home from work and getting back into the swing of things! It has been a busy day and I am lagging further behind than I like but at least I'm moving. What I would like to share is, I had a wonderful time during the weekend. It was suppose to be the Thanks Giving weekend at some part of the world - its not that I get to celebrate the holiday here but still… thanks giving is one of my most favourite holiday - it’s really awesome). Anyway, on Saturday I went to see my godfather, had long chat with him! And I had forgotten how cool it to be talking to him especially when he’s sober :) and of course some outing with my friend as usual. And then, on Sunday morning after a long needed nap, we all went for lunch... which prolonged till supper :)

The thing nowadays is, maybe age affirming, but I often get stressed out, and sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me. There, I said I! We all have a “thing” right… and “freakingout” is my thing. My mom tells me constantly that I need to learn to face my problems instead of kicking out or trying to run away. But what if I am my own number one problem? How do you run away from yourself?

What worst is lately I’ve felt myself losing the grip. I’ve got a lot going on, but don’t we all? I used to curb my shitty days with food, shopping, vodka or just by taking long drive in my car. But whatever I do is no longer the outlet for my stress and I’m not sure what to do sometime. I can’t eat my way through it... I can’t indulge in retail therapy (I’m kinda broke nowadays to be honest) and my first impulse is to “get away” but I suppose that is my old escapist mentality talking.

So... what I've just did is renewed my gym membership at True Fitness (yes, they are still cut-throat) but I remember I used to enjoy my weekend workouts. Exercising used to help relieve my anxiety a lot and I was probably one of those rare people who likes to workout and still eat like a pig everyday… hehe. So, this is it… I’m going back to Gym!

Wish me luck!

is this normal...

I barely left bed in last few days… feel like I’ve lost most of my abilities! Didn’t eat or wash for two days… Is this normal! I do wanna get back to work tomorrow… I do wanna feel normal, but I don’t know how. The best way I can explain how i feel is: imagine someone has had a stroke and has to learn to walk and talk again… that’s how I feel mentally, as if I’ve just lost my ability to do anything.

someday i'll learn...

I had the brilliant idea to go ice skating. Me...a klutz. A girl with no coordination... A girl that runs into walls. A girl who, (completely sober) would still fail a field test of walking a straight line.

Yes, that girl (me) strapped on a pair of rental skates, threw caution to the wind and eased my way onto the ice.

It took about 2.2 seconds to realize that I had lost my mind.

I was happened to be at Sunway Pyramid on Saturday morning… ok, it was not a co-incident. I had to be there to support my so called bowling team from office… anyway, since the game didn’t turn out as I expected, I left early. Then I remembered the ice skating!

Since there was no elegant gliding, no effortless maneuvering or fancy footwork… No no...those things were replaced with cursing, stumbling, and more cursing. I resorted to clinging to the edge of the rink as if it were my life preserver, maintaining a death grip while cautiously scooting my way around the arena. Moments of panic came at points when other skaters were resting against the edge of the rink, directly ahead of me. Forcing me to let go of safety, say a quick prayer and try to glide past them to the other side.

Most of my efforts were successful. One was not. I was faintly aware of everything moving in slow motion. I felt my foot catch and my body loses balance. I remember thinking, "Oh Damn! No! No no no no no!!! Please no! Everyone's watching!" Then everything went white. Followed by the oddest sensation of feeling that while my butt was terribly cold...my face was burning with fire.

All in all it was good fun, though it's not something I'm in a terrible hurry to try again.

so... it was my birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday!!! I think I handled it pretty well. Thank goodness I have a lot friends and family members to celebrate' it with me!!

We had a really fun day. It started out with midnight wish calls, first one is from 3 years old Teerthan, my darling from Klang.

And, I got to eat out lots this week for my birthday, which is one of my favorite things to do!!! And, I received lots of fun presents. The best being from my friend, she gave me a Charles & Keith purse!!! I LOVE purses so much and have wanted one for a long time now.

I was with group of people who means a lot to me for the whole day, we spent the day driving around, Klang, Banting & Morib. It was such a beautiful day out.

Later in the evening I had fun dinner & chat session at bangsar Chillis with Anu!

Though i was bit disappointed as i didn't hear from that one person that i was expecting to hear from... perhaps he didn't know! But It was still a super fun birthday!!

Thank you to all of you for the birthday wishes throughout the day!!

how do you know if a guy is just admiring you...

How do you know when a guy is just admiring you from afar or is actually interested in you? I'm not conceited or anything but I find some guys... ok... one guy looks at me a lot but never approach me. Well, at least not in that way...

so, I am a bit wary now of forming crushes on guys who do this because they either turn out to be married or already have a girlfriend. Guys only seem to flirt with me when it’s "safe" to do so, i.e they know they’re not going to take it any further.

Sometime I wonder why they don’t even see me as a person!!?

May be that’ s the reason why I’m so guarded nowadays and I’m wary of flirting because I know how easy it is now to lead someone on and I don’t want to look like a fool.

re-run

I wanted to get a different post up...but...I'm drawing a blank. So, I made the decision to republish and old entry. There are only a handful of you who read this the first time around so it's like brand new to everyone else. Score!

I'm fat. For those of you who know me, you're probably thinking 'duh' right now. I'm aware of this...a lot of the time I'm acutely aware of this. The thing is that sometimes (for brief periods of time) I forget. Then I see pictures...or video and become aware that, not only am I fat, I'm much fatter than I thought. The evolved side of me realizes that I should have the " and?" mentality. Who the hell who should care that I'm fat any more than they care that I have beautiful long hair? Yes, there are the health reasons, I have this thing called PCOS syndrome. but let's face it, very few people give a shit enough to think about that when they're looking at you. The evolved side of me watched the F.A.T. pageant the other night at Channel V and was proud of these girls (versus the other part of me who was thinking the smaller chicks were definitely more attractive). The un-evolved, self-conscious part of me is uncomfortable in my body, worries whether I would be able to be hired for the job I want, wonders how I'll ever attract a man. I write all of this because I'm tired of bowing to the evolved side...tired of letting my weak nature and busy schedule win. I want to eat better, exercise more, and not feel like cringing as I see a picture of me.

pluck musical arson

Sometime you just need a fun and comical musical to take you away and that is exactly what I found at PJ Live Arts Ctr last night, PLUCK Musical Arson. The trio bills themselves as “the world’s funniest string trio,” brought along their comedy, classics and… well, indigenous argument – from UK.

You should watch…

PS – Thanks Anu, for the free ticket - it's always good to have friends in the newspaper business :)

i need a hug... part 2

The alarm clock goes off every morning at 7am. It’s the same routine, climb out of bed, shower, get dressed and battle the traffic to get to work. I used to have good and bad days at work, but now everyday is a bad day. Could this be a sign... I’m in the wrong career?

This morning started out really iffy. I literally cried the whole morning and to my annoyance I have no privacy even to cry in this office – I had to hide my sorrows all the way. What a life…

Anyway, I’m looking forward to go out with Anu later. Should be fun to get out for a bit.

i need a hug...

Bad days... we all have them and they downright suck!

Today, I'm having a bad day at work!

Everything about today was royally sucked and I feel like I am being torn to go in 18 million directions.

Really, all I want to do is just go home, lock myself in the washroom and cry.

But I am not going to. I just keep reminding myself that tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a new day. Today - I just need to keep wading my fat arse though this pile of shit life has presented me. Seriously, what do i have to do to get little attention around here???

So, here's the plan for tonight, after this piece of shitty day is over, I am heading to Chillis to inhale the smell of margaritas, then I have to solve some personal issues and then go to sleep and never think about this day again.

Boooo to bad days I say! BOOOO!

after...

I let the tears seep into the ground beneath me.

I let the tension crawl out of my body and slink off into the darkness.

On the cold, stone floor of what had come to feel like my prison...I succombed to the exhaustion enveloping me.

My aching body...weak and motionless until a feeling of warmth persuaded it to stir.

Eyes still heavy with sleep, I raised my head to find sunlight settling over me like a warm blanket...gently brushing my hair back from my tear stained face and murmuring, "Sleep darling, sleep."

kryptonite

Men have powers.

Not the flying kind.

Instead they seem to wield another power...one that influences feelings of great happiness, despair and anger.

They can leave you stewing...frustrated and boiling with so much anger that you want to thump them in the eye.

Then just as quickly there are murmured, "I miss yous" and suddenly you find the anger slipping away.

Blurring the line between Nemesis and Hero...

sirilah raman...

TGIF

Thank god it's friday! I'm tired, my head is hurting and I'm soooo ready for the weekend. However, I’m stuck in the office doing some crappy stuff (they call it DR)… Right now my brain is having a hard time working properly so I decided to write something that is fun and will make me happy thinking about it for the rest of the evening. I decided to list the guys that would be my "free pass" if given the chance.

1. Orlando Bloom-as Legolas, not as the wuss he played in Troy.
2. Colin Farrell-my friend refers to him as a walking petri dish but I don't care, he seems like he'd be good for dirty dirty sex. Bring it on.
3. David Beckham-Did you see his cover of Vanity Fair...enough said.
4. Brad Pitt-Pre Angelina Jolie
5. Viggo Mortensen-only as Aragorn because in real life he looks kind of funny.
6. Matt Damon-I just think he's cute.
7. Matthew McConaughey-his abs his abs his abs
8. James Denton-from Desperate Housewives, he can work on my plumbing anytime.
9. Wil Smith-he's funny as shit.
10. Daniel Radcliff-I know it's pervy but Harry Potter has gotten hot.

Now if I was a guy...here are the women I'd pick: (Interesting, I chose some 'girl next door' types, some 'smokin hot' types & some my type of gals.)

1. Catherine Zeta-Jones
2. Salma Hayek
3. Jennifer Hudson
4. Scarlett Johansson
5. Halle Berry
6. Evangeline Lilly
7. Kate Beckinsale
8. Nicole Kidman
9. Queen Latifah
10. Sienna Miller

flabbergasted...

...and men say we're hard to understand!

Like hell.

If they're not leading you on and then completely ignoring you...

Then you get the other extreme where they're coming on so strong you almost feel suffocated.

WHERE ARE THE NORMAL MEN?????

sorry

I've been such a shitty blogger lately.

Honestly, I've got SO much really good material to write about... But, I can't use any of it!!!!

*bangs head on desk in frustration*

Maybe I should just give up blogging altogether. I've been so slack about it lately anyhow. I don't know... we'll see. Things have been really busy lately and I've been pre-occupied. So we'll see if I have a creative mind at some point or waht...

My Wish List

Another year has gone by.

A year that was not so much meant for me, rather it was a crazy one. And there is still certain lingering sense of dissatisfaction as the New Year started. May be, I could have done a bit more, achieved a bit more. I wish I had gone to new places, tried out some new things. I wish I had an exciting job. I wish I had read more books. But I guess, if wishes were planes, the beggars would fly...

Normally, I don’t make New Year resolutions. I know I am incapable of keeping them. I prefer to make some wishes instead. If they are granted, I feel happy. If not, I know they were never not meant to be fulfilled. After all, there is also something called destiny.

So this year again, I have made some wishes. Who knows whether they will be granted or not, but there is no harm in praying for fulfilment, is there?

So here it is, my wish list for the year 2010.

1. While waiting for the New Year count down at TSB with Anu, I had this strange thought or rather hope crossing my mind. I thought… this is it! This is what exactly I need. This is what I’ve been waiting for. And I’m going to go for it! Of course it’s too private to reveal the details here though I might if it gets fulfilled. I guess. I will need some hand holding for this.

2. I wish there were companies that would employ educated and competent Indian woman who has plenty of experience, talent & skills for a well-paid job. I wish the corporates would understand that we deserve the equal right (and $$) regardless of race and gender.

3.I wish shedding some extra kilos that I have piled up would be as exciting and as easy as eating yummy food.

4. I wish the smaller things in life that annoys me everyday like the bad traffic would get better this year.

5.I wish I could blog about general, mundane things, like the movie that I watched last week or the children playing in the park rather than bickering bout my ever-not-so-perfect life.

6. I wish I would be able to totally conquer my anger. I battle with belligerence and pretty much lose every time. I scream, I use hateful words and I snap back. What's worse, I hang on to my frustrations and never let go. I wish I had more control over my self. I wish I would learn to be calm and serene this new year.

7. I wish I could meet all my friends more often. There is nothing like talking to those people you have grown with, physically as well as mentally. I wish all of them lived near by and I could drop into some one's house unannounced.

8.I wish, I will be able to start saving and reduce some of my unnecessary expenditures.

9. And lastly, I wish I could have a better relationship with my family members.

So that's about it. That was my wish list 2010. Towards the end of the year, I will know how many of them have come true. I wish the year would end soon! And yes, I wish each one of you a very, very happy New Year! Have fun always.

U-N-A-V-A-I-L-A-B-L-E

Let's face it, when I do meet men I have a habit of attracting the ones that are:

U-N-A-V-A-I-L-A-B-L-E.

Be it physically, emotionally or geographically. If they suffer from it, I've probably dated them.

The next step...finding a cure.

oh gee...

My my how quickly time flies by!

I had no idea my little blog was sprouting cobwebs and sheets of dust. Shame on me.

So much for my plan to write more...but in my defense, work has gotten the best of me. Long days, late hours and by the time I get home the only thing I can think about is relaxing.

I should have some time to myself this weekend so I'll see if I can pull it together. Promise!

Tah!

the butterfly effect...

In a time where love can be as puzzling as a complex mathematical equation, it seems necessary for those venturing into the world of dating to be equipped with some sort of quick reference guide.

A 'go to' for the dating impaired.

You know, a translator for those who can't read the signs.

For instance, the question on the table is...butterflies.

With some relationships you feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach turning you topsy turvy and every which way but up. While in others...they sleep quietly without so much as a flutter.

Are those little butterflies indicators for the amount of love and excitement you have for someone?

And can you love the sleepy ones just as much as the ones that have you turned on your head?

This is when cliff notes would be handy.

just a thought... :)

sometimes...

Sometimes you just need to go out with your girlfriends and have a drink. I am far past due and in dire need.

P.S. Work (still) stinks

absolute (ly)...

Long time readers know that my last few years have been filled with something a little less cheery than sunshine.

Tornado? Flood? Tsunami?

I needed a release. A way to let go! A way to look in the eyes of the person(s) that caused said disaster in Sriland and give them the finger.

So what did I do?

I threw myself in a vodka land…

* work stinks

everyone's right cuz it's all about PERCEPTION

I'm dealing with a situation in my life right now where different people feel right about their stance on a scenario due to their perception. Perception is huge... how many friendships have changed due to perception... how many wars have been waged due to perception... how many times have you personally been involved in a situation that you feel is fine and then learn someone else is really upset?

Tolerance and understanding sometimes still don't solve all of our issues... we still feel right while someone may disagree with us. Are they right? are we right? Sometimes its best to just walk away and agree to disagree and hope the fallout isn't to tall to walk over.

Very deep thoughts (by Jack Handy...remember that from SNL?)

a cure for losers..

I was very disappointed. In fact it has been pretty nasty week for me at work. I’m bothered!

This is something associated with my GO AHEAD, TALK ABOUT ME POST and really, it saddened my day or rather week. It made me affected and soul-searched myself. (But I am okay now. I am laughing and I just can’t stop. Poor people! Losers forever. I just cannot believe that this sort of immaturity still happens in my office)

When you judge a person as how you see her is one thing but to discuss it with somebody else and to talk about it at her back is another. I was over the “judging thing”. In fact, I laugh upon remembering, thinking that bitterness and jealousy caused it all. People advised me that instead of having bad feelings towards them, I should pity them for jealousy is such a painful thing that is almost fatal.

I experienced jealousy and so I know how it hurts. I was thinking about them and so I gave in some considerations. I tried to understand. I tried to just ignore. After all, I don’t lose anything. To know that I was stabbed in my back is below the belt. It makes me feel small, yes, but I say that they will never find themselves big when they let others appear small. There is no contentment in that. I got the point that I know myself better than they know me but to see something against you is something that can break my day.

It pissed me more because I tried to be good though I am Little Miss Attitude. I tried to ignore what I heard about and just go on with my life, giving them more things to talk about. I like to tell that the name they are calling me is non-sense. I mean “feeling close” is a compliment to my amicability. It actually shouts about what they don’t have. I am not ashamed of being who I am and trying my best to be close to everybody. Without it, I won’t meet my best friends and other people who made a difference in my life. Is there something wrong with that? If there is, back-stabbing is still worse.

However, I really believe that their talent in making people hate life is rusty. I can actually do better than that but I don’t think they deserve some of my effort, not even a bit of it. I don’t push myself to people who don’t like me. Hell! I have lots of friends and without those haters, my life will still be happy and will still be complete. Actually, they don’t matter and I believe that it will always be that way.

To conclude that I am actually doing everything to make them my friends is a big lie. Don’t assume that much, losers.This is not the right thing to do, yes. A properly-behaved lady should just be shutting up, dealing with other more sensible things. and not letting out her frustration on the blog she owns but I need to unleash this hate. I need to express what I felt after finding out everything. I need to tell the world that I was hurt after I heard those slur pertaining to me. I am still a person. I might have done wrong turns in my life but I don’t think I deserve those insults. There are people whom I've hurt… in the past. There are people whom I took for granted but I never heard them talk about me like that. I never heard their unfair judgments even though they have the right to tell me those things. They never stabbed me in my back. Whenever they have hard feelings on me, they tell me right away. They confront me because they know that back-stabbing is for losers and uneducated. I need to unleash the unfairness I felt. I need to snap back and tell them that the person they are talking about actually knows about their sordid attitude. Somehow, this is a lot better than discussing the issue to someone else and assigning terms and names to them.

BTW, thanks for making me famous and oh, a cure for losers doesn't exists.

if i were a boy...

If one day, I woke up and face the mirror and saw a boy, I’ll know how and why it happened.

For days, I’ve been endlessly singing Beyonce’s If I Were A Boy. Addiction, eh? I prefer to call it my Last Song Syndrome. I just cannot get over such a beautiful song. It’s something that makes me want to say, “Awww” for it hit those lines the way it should be hit. It’s perfect for those women who had a bad experience on love.

I can sooo relate to the song though… I would like to clarify that I have nothing against boys. I don’t have hard feelings towards the other gender. I do not have the anger or sourness. The song is – well, I just find it great and nice, especially the lyrics. I must admit that once in my life, I’ve experienced losing the one I wanted because I was taken for granted like the girl in the song but then that didn’t stop me from seeing the beauty of life. I learned from what happened and now, I’ve come to terms with the other part of life too. And most importantly I do not hate the one who broke my heart. I think that to conclude that I am not bitter or any of the like is very important in this post. I remember reading in a magazine the line, “Boys are taught not to make a girl cry ever since they were young,” I believe that when they do, it’s for a very good reason. Their reasons may sound silly but I know that they did everything they can in order to save everything. It’s just that some things don’t turn out that well.

i'm trying to get to my car so NO i don't want to give you my number!

You know, I've come to see that I must give off some sort of idiot vibe when I've wiped my makeup off for the day.

Case in point.

I went to the gym, washed my face, got hot, sweaty and then proceeded to clean up and head to the grocery store at bangsar village for some toiletries. Went in, got the items and its raining when I came out. I decide that I'm not a sugar, as I won't melt in the rain when cross the street towards my car... what do I hear behind me, but some guy talking about how I'm not even listening to who's talking to me...*blink* and *raised eyebrow*. What follows is some dude trying to pick me up in the rain, in the parking lot of bangsar village.

Him: You sure look pretty, you got a boyfriend?

Me: No (inching toward door of car).

Him: That's good so you can be my girlfriend.

Me: I don't even know you.

Him: *switching tactics* You got kids. (now this ticks me off...yes I am an ample hipped woman, however this should not be the determining factor in me having kids...)

Me: I don't like children.

Him: *shocked* Really!

Me: Yes, I prefer my godchildren...children that I can give back.

Him: *changing tactics again* Can I have your phone number.

Me: Sure *I proceed to give him number... some made up digits...

Him: *smug* Don't get a boyfriend, cause you're going to be my girlfriend.

Me: *condescending smile* Again, I don't know you.

At this point I get into my car *finally* and drive away.

a much delayed tag (amended)

A friend on mine tagged me in facebook… I thought I would pop this onto my blog too! And here are a lot of random things that maybe a lot of you don’t know about me.

1) Never call me early in the morning (before 9). I’ll hang up.

2) I ran away from home once when I was 6. I went down the alley that was near our house and it started to rain so I hid in a box; after what seemed like hours I decided to go home… to my annoyance nobody had even realized I was gone!

3) When I’m sick, I like lots of sympathy.

4) I think I have seasonal mood disorder.

5) I’ll admit it. I’m actually a ‘little’ worried about the economy.

6) I miss some of my closest friends from the past whom I thought would be life-long friends… not that I don’t have many great friends right now… I have some of the best friends a girl could want… but it makes me sad that some people have essentially disappeared from my life.

7) I love to dance.

8) As I get older, I have become very indecisive. I have no idea what I want to do 'when i grow up' and I have pretty degree that is useless to me. And especially last coupla years has been very stressful and i have gained no perspective... I still have no idea what i want to do.

9) I’m a bit narcissistic, I kinda like who I am with all the flaws and the imperfections… it sorta makes me who I am now so I’m in peace with myself.

10) I don’t see why people like kids; I find them annoying and if I ever had any I’ll love them just because they’re mine.

11) I think too much and have hard time sleeping because of it. It is usually really unimportant stuff too.

12) Every now and then I get a really bad crush on someone and then act like a fool about it. This is almost always at least one person I am crushing on to an unhealthy degree... and they usually don't know it. Sometime they don't even know me.

13) Sometime I hate myself for not being great at anything.

14) I can happily re-read books and watch movies that I have seen over and over.

15) I haven’t regretted my relationship, and I love every single one of them dearly.

16) Even after having a broken heart I still belive in Happily Ever After...

17) I am on a anti-social mood right now... so, totally avoing my friends -- especially those happy couples.

18) My ambition when I was in primary school is to be a stewardess. Thank god someone set me straight along the way.

20) When I see someone cry I automatically get teary. It doesn’t matter if it’s a movie or my best friend.

21) I went to 11 different schools.

22) I need lots of pillows to sleep with. I make a fortress around me every night.

23) Hate when people try to tell me what to do.

24) I can handle being apart from people for reasonably long period of time.

25) I joined Facebook so I could stalk people, but then those people have private profiles… LAME!

There you have it… my boring 25.

you're moving like a movie, you still move me.

I'm at the point right now where I can't even decide if I'm happy or sad about the situation. Why is this even a situation where a decision is appropriate? I can't even figure that out. I can't figure anything out.

I want to have a theme for this post, something to focus on but for the life of me I cannot wrap my mind around anything right now. So instead, I am going to go to sleep with hopes of having really nice dreams because lately that is all I can get. And I don't mean slimy dreams, I mean nice dreams.

I think I'm happy, in fact I know I am happy. I'm just one frustrated little camper!

happening endings...

Something's come to my attention over the past few days.

I've discovered that I like happy endings. The girl gets the guy or vice versa, big kiss on the lips, everything is tied up nicely with a bow and the world is a happy shiny place in the end kind of happy endings. Don't know why exactly I just do.

Which probably accounts for why I mostly read romance and stories where I'm pretty much assured that the resolution at the end will be a good one. Books where people have to suffer throughout do not appeal at all.

And which probably accounts for why I place feelings on things, people, places, etc. that don't actually belong there.

and I'm sure I'm going to get it...if I wait long enough...

*taps foot*

Okay, this waiting crap is for the birds, looks like I'm going to have to hack it out on my own... :)

circles and squares

Yesterday I was driving when one of my favorite songs came on. The kind of song with the perfect melody and lyrics that make me swoon and wish for the day that my significant other writes words like that for me. But then I came back to reality and realized that I have never pursued a guy who would ever do that. Then I thought about current and past crushes and how much in common we really had. How necessary is it to enjoy all of the same things? Is a relationship doomed to fail if both people involved don't get excited over the same things?

My answer is no.

I don't want to be with a clone of myself. I want someone who can appreciate my interests and activities and who will participate in them because they like ME. He's going to understand when I want to go stand in line for hours to see my favorite band and how much more it will mean if he offers to stand in line with me.

It is interesting when I apply this to current and past guys I have been interested in. Some have merely been a childish crush, or check box on a list, while others I now realize, would never "get me." I'm multifaceted and have a big interest in so many things, I am not one-dimensional.

To understand passion, you have to have passion... To understand me, and to be with me, you have to "get it." Luckily for me, I think I'm getting better at finding the guys who "get it." :)

snake in disguise

I have been continuing to read the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in last few days, and some very intense stuff has been happening. Within the last chapter I read, Harry went back to visit the place he was born in hopes of finding a Horcrux (a dark magical device), or a clue to fine one. Instead, he came upon Voldemort’s very own snake disguised as famed historian Bathilda Bagshot. Harry was seeking Bathilda’s advice and willingly followed the imposter into her house, but soon enough the great snake, Nagini, shed her cover and attacked Harry. Luckily enough Harry and his friend Hermione escaped and fled the city.

This chapter kinda opened my eyes (and mind) to the idea of nothing being like what it seems. Who knows which people in power of our society are really wolves in sheep’s clothing. Who knows which friend will turn out to be a traitor? Who knows which heroes are actual villains? And who knows the very person I thought I was in love turned out to be a snake in disguise...

lessons

If there is one thing I took from my travel overseas, it was the reminder that being single can be fabulous.

(Leave it to me to have to travel thousands of miles across the ocean in order to remember that.)

I had forgotten how nice it was to be carefree.

To meet new and interesting people and to forget about everything that had been tying you down and just let loose.

I had forgotten how nice it was to flirt and be flirted with.To kiss a boy...or two...or three.

To know that someone thinks your sexy.

To know that someone thought so much of you that they had to build up the courage to come talk to you.

I miss my young days...

the bucket list

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It has been a long time my friends...for that I apologize. There are stories and explanations lingering in the outskirts but for now, let's just ease into things shall we?

This past year has brought to light the importance of 'living' life....not just living my life day to day. So, I started a Bucket List. I've only ticked off a few things so far but that just means I have lots of adventures ahead. Here's what I've got so far, (the stars are next to things I've completed).

Climb a mountain *
Go kayaking
Go sky diving
See a drive-in movie
bonfire by the beach
Ride a horse along the beach
Sleep under the stars *
Whale watching
Have my palm read *
See the pyramids upclose
Go snorkeling
Swim with dolphins
Ride a bike
Take a gondola ride *
Go on a safari trip
Ride in a helicopter
Learn to play guitar
Hitch a ride on a motorcycle *
Shake hands with someone famous
Stay in the best room of a 5 star hotel
Volunteer in a charity show
Run a marathon


Go on then. What's on YOUR bucket list?

a hint of the future i hope

I got to hold hands last night. Well, sort of. I love fingers and hands and forearms and holding them and being in possession of them. There is something so amazing about that kind of extremely innocent human contact that feels so good. It's a connection...it's assurance...it's secure. It's not some drunk guy trying to grope you or get their hands somewhere you don't want them. It's welcome and calm and warm. I love how they fit together...hands, that is.

so what...

I was gonna delete this blog…

filled with stories that i needed to let go...

instead…

I went to gym!

probably had the best workout of my life and I have to thank PINK.

Pink has a new song! this song (and video) is freaking hilarious and has to be the coolest breakup video up to date.

“I'm gonna show your tonight, i'm alrite, i'm just fine”, that’s class.

so... the final verdict is... the blog stays and i may have to mourn a little longer...

bygone...

pear shaped

Sometimes life has a way of going all pear shaped.

One moment you're skipping along in the sunshine and the next you're floundering in a sea of uncertainty and doubt, desperate to keep your head above water and cursing yourself for having never really learned how to swim.

Each day survived was done with a friend's words in my ear. Every day you go in and you pick a task and give it your full attention. When that one's done, you move on to the next and keep going. Focus on the things you can control. And then at 5 when you walk out that door and into the world that's out of control, just keep reminding yourself to breathe.
So that's what I did.
I remembered to breathe.
In and out.
Out and in.
Counting each labored breath until the world righted itself again.

why!!

Why is it that men always seem to know how to push my buttons?

Whether it's someone I used to love, someone I still love or someone I like.

All of them seem to have unearthed a rogue copy of "Sri, the Operator's Manual" and committed it to memory.

a long walk

Until this very moment, I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. I looked at the date of my last post, looked at the calender, looked at my post again. Wow, coupla weeks...

I think somewhere along the way, I just got lost. I stumbled out of the crisp black and whiteness of life and found myself planted face first in a sea of grey.

Now I'm wandering about, try to find the way home.

Wish there was an easier way.

absolutely nothing

I just sat here for like, 10 minutes trying to think of something to write about and I've got to be honest with you: I've got nothing.

There are no prospects at work.

There are no prospects after work.

There are no males at my gym (Seriously. I know, can you believe it?)

I haven't spoken to nice guy, singapore sweetie, or anyone along that line in awhile so there's nothing exciting there. I - no longer work with the mr married guy and no, we never had happy hour.

I'm not even interacting with male friends enough right now to read into things.

THINGS SERIOUSLY NEED TO BE SHAKEN UP! This is ridiculous.

But I'm glad my gal friends have things going on.

dark day

You know, I've spent a lot of my life believing in tales of Karma and living by the rule that in being a good person and doing kind things...good fortune would befall me.

These days I'm beginning to wonder if that was nothing more than just a children's tale.

It seems that just when I found my days filled with sunshine and happiness...a hooded figure drew near and stole the sunshine right out of the sky.

Leaving me to stand alone in the dark.

Leaving me unable to find my way.

walking the line

I'm feeling so lazy today...and tired and unmotivated and slack. Yeah, slack, I think that about sums it up.

I must apologize for being a terrible blogger lately...not writing decent posts, not visiting everyone like I should. I mean well. Promise.

But what is it they say?

...The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

Hmmm. Well, if that's the case, I guarantee that I've paved a good 100 km.

dude... you are so lucky

My friend Mr. Cool and I hooked up at the theater over the weekend to catch a movie and have dinner. Since I was the first to arrive at the theater, I went ahead and bought the tickets and he offered to buy dinner. While we were at the Chillis in Midvalley everything was going along great until the end of dinner when he pulled out his wallet to pay the bill and he discovered that he was without his credit card or any cash. Instantly his face turned silly and sweat began to appear on his brow as he gave me the sad puppy dog eyes. I shook my head, pulled out my wallet and said, "Dude, you are so lucky that this happened with me and not while you were on a date!" He being the nice guy that he is came by and paid me back the next day, but it started us on this whole conversation of stupid or embarrassing things we had done on first dates.

I've only got few embarrassing stories myself and one of it which from many years ago...but it's a painful one. This guy and I were driving home from dinner when he started telling me about his friend Mr ‘A’. "Yeah, ‘A’ a cool dude… he's from Kelantan..." Me being the nervous moron that I was said, "Oh he's from Kelantan? I love Kelantanese food...." The moment the words came out of my mouth I wanted to grab them and shove them back in. I was completely mortified...especially with the uncomfortable silence that followed. I know he was thinking that I was a complete idiot. That was the longest ride home ever...and no, we never went out again but it's ok, he turned out to be a prick anyway.

life can be so cruel...

I am currently experiencing a certain 'loathing' for all happy couples. Not to offend those of you who are currently in happy, healthy relationships... just know that if I pass you on the street... I'm sending you evil, telepathic thoughts. If I have to be single and slightly bitter... so should everyone else. *sigh* Okay... so it's not a perfect world and there is no way everyone is going to spontaneously break-up (at least until I finally get a super power).

Last night when i was at the movie, everyone was sitting at their seats waiting for the movie to start and I couldn't help but notice that all of these really young girls with their partners next to them... what were they doing to achieve that kind of status... where are they meeting these guys and why haven't I found one? Not that I need a huge rock or husband at this point, I'd be happy with just getting someone to hold hand to...

parking space stalkers

Okay what is it with parking space stalkers? You know the kind I'm talking about. The ones that coast behind you when you walk down a parking lot at the malls, so they can see if you have an ideal space for them to steal. For the record, if I realize someone is doing that to me, I purposefully walk past my car or cut across to the next lane. Go stalk someone else because you will NOT get my space.

The worst offenders are the ones that pull up when you're trying to unload your shopping cart and they just sit there, staring at you. I always look at them like, MF, I know you are not sitting there trying to rush ME! Assholes. Now, if someone is immediately getting into their car, sometimes I might slow down but if they've got a cart FULL of groceries...don't stop!!! Go find another space. How rude is that?! Are you so freakin' lazy that you can't stand to walk 5 more feet to the elevator?

When the stalkers do this to me, I have been known to load my bags in the car, return my cart and then walk BACK towards the elevator to the mall. Ahhh yes, I can be a spiteful bitch.

bittersweet...

I've grown accustomed to the fact that things don't always turn out the way I planned and I've become adept at making quick decisions when the road ahead takes a sharp, unexpected turn.

But even now, equipped as I am with all of my hard learned survival skills... I find myself caught off guard, watching my heart override the emotions I had thought were already in line to handle the situation.

There was a time when I wanted certain others to feel the very hurt and despair that they had gifted upon me. I hoped and prayed for it as my body racked with sobs and my heart nearly ceased its beating.

I wanted the revenge and satisfaction in knowing that they were hurting as much as I had.

But that's not how it has happened.

Instead of vindication, my silly heart filled with care and compassion and I find myself desperately seeking a way to fix the hurt and I don't know why…

ho's before bros?

I used to think of myself as a diehard girlfriend. Down for any type of adventure and always up for the new and exciting. Especially, when it came to hanging out with my girls. Lately, however, I've been feeling none to friendly and even less inclined to do the new and tingly things with anyone including my girls. While some of my close friends have been out doing things with each other, I've been doing my thing over here, and trying to jumpstart my non-existent social calendar. This did get me to thinking about friendships and girlfriends and boyfriends.

Where does your friend stand while you're getting into a relationship?

There's no pause button on a friendship. And often times you may want to establish yourself in the relationship with your person before introducing them around to friends and sometimes family. Do you need to vett the new entry into your life to make sure they're capable of handling their own? And while I wish this was my problem its not, I don't have a significant other I'm trying to work into my regular life. I just have a lot of questions about what to do when I do.

perspective

It's amazing how you can waste days, months...even years of your life, living in the past. Stuck on a page...reading the same words over and over...seemingly powerless to take that step...to turn the page to see what happens next.

But at some point you have to take a deep breath and just do it. Quick...like pulling off a band-aid. And once that initial shock wears off....you realize that there are pages and pages of this book left to read and you were only on the first chapter.

Currently I don't have guts to pull my band-aid. I hope there will be someone with me to hold my hand and say, "It's gonna be ok." Someone who can make me understand that there will never be anything in that first chapter worth missing out on. It was just setting the stage for an even better ending...