it's my birthday... and i'll cry if i want to...

Two nights ago (Halloween), was my birthday. Yes, I was born on Halloween. No, I do not do Halloweeny things though it is an awesome, evil, carnivalesque pagan holiday which means on this day I get two bites at the apple.

This year I’d decided to celebrate at Langkawi (on my own). It was very awesome, especially because I never had such a birthday. To look at my past, I never celebrated my birthday till I reach my twenties and started to live on my own. My family members are not so big on birthdays, and mine was a definitely no-fun kinda family. So, now I celebrate birthday unabashedly. It’s nice, if age-affirming.

In actuality I’m not quite so ‘young’ anymore though –used to be precociously young for everything – now I’m just at that right age, or even older than the average. It is all very strange. In many ways though, this is an era for me: I have entered my “thirties” – and the twenties are thankfully past…J I’m entering that stage of life in which I should be pretty well on my way towards all the scary things that comes with adulthood; a career, someplace to eventually settle down, someone to settle down with, a mortgage to pay, a household to build.

However I have to admit to the fact that, the excitement of being in my thirties kinda muted this year. I guess I just figured that my life would be a smidgen different by now. I thought I would have accomplished more. I have expected to have the big steady job, the great steady boyfriend, and you know, an entire complete life. But I guess that’s not realistic. I mean, I’m still pretty young for all that, right? I don’t’ have a swanky crazy-go-nuts paying job, but I’m working towards getting my dream job by doing little bit of homework here and there. I don’t have some steamy boyfriend, but I’m putting myself out there to find one. That’s what counts, right? The bottom line is, I’m not at my dreams yet, but I’m on the right path.

And for now, I’m happy to be who I am – a single girl who lives a fabulous life learning interesting things and new methodologies; just starting to write my thoughts and finding them surprisingly well-received; still having enough free time to figuring things out and still having what kids these days call “fun”.

So to celebrate my birthdayness – I’m going to give you guys a look at beautiful langkawi…

amendments

On the heels of writing a post about being single and fabulous, I feel duty bound to make an amendment here.

While I love the freedom and spontaneity of the single life (as do many of you), deep down I think there will be a point in many of our lives when we will still want someone to share the (fabulousness that is 'us') with. Some are open about this desire... while others treat it like a dirty magazine they don't want their parents to find. They hide it in the back of the closet, tucking it under boxes and behind old clothes, all the while hoping that it never finds the light of day.

I guess some of us were absent that day in school when we were all taught that life isn't always fair, because just when you think you've successfully beaten back the desire for a relationship... there it is, tugging at your sleeve like an impatient child.

While I have no problem whittling away the hours flirting and enjoying the perks of being single... the reality is... I just don't want to be single forever.

My heart longs for someone whose lips know just where to caress the slope of my neck... whose hand fits the curve of my waist...whose heart beats in time with mine.

first kiss

For most people, I think that first kiss is something that's looked forward to with great enthusiasm and anticipation.

I am not most people.

For me, the impending act was more terrifying than the prospect of being caught red-handed in the supply room while you are canoodling with a co-worker.

Maybe it wouldn't have been as scary if I had done more in the way of preparation, like practicing on my hand or something like that. As it was, my only lessons came from watching TV. I'd scrutinize every kissing scene on tv, carefully constructing a mental check list. Okay, you tilt your head like this and close your eyes when he does this...wait, is he supposed to swallow your face like that?

When the big moment came, I was so nervous that I was literally sick to my stomach. We were sitting on his big bike and I had just applied hmmmmmm... lets see, a coat of nothing on my lips when Mr RXZ leaned over and asked if he could kiss me. Being the innocent girl that I was, I preferred the tube which he promptly ignored as he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine.

My first thought was "It's happening, it's really happening!!!".... Oh nooooo! someone help me!

My second thoughts were, "Oh god, what am I supposed to do?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??!!!!"

All that careful note taking had flown right out the window and I was left in a panicked state. "Do I try to match up my bottom lip with his top lip? Oh no, he's pressed up against my nose...I can't breathe, I'm going to die! Wait! What was that? Was that his tongue? Ewwwwww!!! That is absolutely disgusting! Is he even allowed to do that? I am NOT sticking my tongue in his mouth! He can forget that right now."

Well, I am pleased to say that fortunately, like a fine wine... kissing has greatly improved with age.

bright lights, big mouth

Sometimes you feel as if you are walking down a catwalk, bright lights shining in your face, loud music thundering in your ears, flash bulbs erupting like tiny bolts of lightening...and all the while the room is filled with hundreds of non-singles...watching you...looking for flaws, for weaknesses, just waiting for you to trip and fall.

Well, one of those critical faces confronted me directly this week. A co-worker felt the need to inquire as to why, at my thirties, I wasn't married yet (she after all had gotten married when she was 20. She and I are the same age yet she has been married for more than 10 years and has 2 children, whereas I live alone and don't have so much as a parakeet.)

I gritted my teeth and gave the now robotic response, "I just haven't found the right guy yet." And do you KNOW what she said to me?"

You know, you should really think of trying one of those Match.com dating things... that's what I would do if I were in your situation. I mean, because really... you're not going to be able to have kids after too much longer you know."

A few moments of silence followed and instead of punching her between the eyes as was my initial reaction to handling the situation, I took another route. Instead, I calmly picked my jaw up off the floor, closed my eyes and strutted down my catwalk... hips swaying... lights flashing... letting the pounding music drown out the nay-sayers.

My runway, my life.

Let them ogle me...because the plain fact of the matter is, while I'm strutting ahead in life... they're stuck to their seats.

beyonce boleh malaysia!

This isn't a political blog, but I feel the need to point out the fact that I am a liberal woman and I totally totally agree with this statement by another blogger Unspun ...

Beyonce Boleh Malaysia!!!

It’s good to see people standing up for what they believe in. So I was real glad to see that the bootylicious singer Beyonce has cancelled her Malaysian show after the authorities there had ordered her to cover up and wear “conservative clothing”. Fuck that for a laugh. Bloody Nazis. As if a woman in the 21st century can’t wear what she wants! And anyway, what’s the point of going to a Beyonce concert in the first place if you can’t see her perform her outrageous onstage antics? What are the Malaysians actually thinking? That people would go along merely to hear her sing? Hahaha! But Malaysia’s loss is Indonesia’s gain. Cos to make up for the Malaysian show Beyonce’s announced she’ll do a show in Jakarta on 1 November instead! Bootylicious!! Long live Beyonce!!!!!

(read REUTERS news in New York Times)

bitching and moaning... fair warning

Trust me when I say that complaining about my personal life is not a common occurrence. I'm a strong, independent woman with a good job (sort-of), my own place and my own friends. I just think that there are several factors that have been feeding into my being a little uptight lately... holidays... birthday… reunion... lack of love and Friday night rendezvous with boyfriend, etc. So in advance, I'm sorry for complaining.

However, I was strolling through the stores in Bangsar yesterday when I neared coupla guys talking about one's high maintenance girlfriend. He confided that he's been having to put out a lot of money because she prefers to eat at the swanky restaurants in Mont Kiara (ok he didn't use the word swanky or Mont Kiara, that was all me) and she has expensive taste in everything. Apparently there had even been some dissatisfaction with the engagement ring he'd given her... it wasn't good enough. She wanted to exchange it for something a little larger.

Oh come on!!! How come a prissy little bitch like that can land a guy and I'm still single?

Seriously, for the most part I'm a pretty easy going girl. If you want to impress me, don't take me to a fancy restaurant, just do something fun or thoughtful thing. Hell, let's hit the DVD player at home and have beer and hotdogs... Go to a drive in movie... Go to a Carnival (Genting, my fav) and act like kids with all the rides and games.

I'm telling you... it just isn't fair. Maybe I need to move to a different part of the world to find a guy... (Merlina, I might consider Boston) lord knows there's nothing here.

sri's state of the union

Its that time of the year again. My birthday is rolling around (October 31, if you care to know) and I've been going over the past year.

I'm not liking what I see.

So here I propose some changes.

Sri's State of the Union.

I'm not in a relationship, but eventually I will be, until then, stop bitching about not having someone and enjoy what I do have, which is good friends, awesome cooking skills and a crafty mind.

Stop letting the idiots of my past (read Mr Conservative) rule over my future. One man or many will not make or break this chica.

Life is not about what happens to you, its about what you do about it. Repeat this mantra often and whenever confronted by something you think you won't succeed at.

Travel far and often. The world is very small and you should see more of it… but first, finding my passport.

Find something that you are absolutely terrified of doing and do it anyway. And most importantly... Stop avoiding your life, its going to keep going even if you aren't.

blah...

My hormones are running amuck today.

I just feel so... I don't know! Melancholy. I suppose it doesn't help that today is one of those blah, overcast kind of days outside. I've been dwelling over the question of how many of us are actually where we'd thought we'd be 10 years ago. The ideal job, the ideal partner, the ideal life? I think this started when I was watching this show on MTV called Ms. Seventeen. Long story short it's a reality show where these girls are trying to be the next cover model for Seventeen Magazine. And no, before you even ask, my dream was not to be on the cover of a magazine. My dream was to be a writer for a big fashion magazine or at least for ah… well, any magazine. Bits of the show focused on the writer who has a Carrie Bradshaw type role and I found myself being so jealous of her.

When I was young... I had things all planned out. I was going to go to college, get my degree and eventually land that job. Things didn't turn out like that. Instead, my family didn't do well and there was not enough money to send me to college so I had to pay for it myself. However, in order to do that I was working part-time while doing the college and could still only afford to take 1 or 2 classes a semester. Eventually it got to the point where I had to take care of myself financially and school had to wait for a bit... so while many people's parents were paying for their tuition and apartment and car and then giving them money while they did their internships and worked the low paying jobs so they could move up the corporate ladder... I was still working just to be able to support myself while struggle to complete the degree. And I've done ok for myself financially and finally complete my degree but currently I'm not in the profession I want to be. I do not 'enjoy' my current profession by any means but it's tolerable and it pays the bills. It's just at this point I'm financially unable to take a low paying entry level job somewhere. [Now is the time I could use a Sugar Daddy... :0)]

Oh well. I'm sorry for whining. I'm just feeling pretty crappy today... I'm sure I'll feel better soon....

run...

sometimes you just want to run away...

and sometimes you just wish there was someone to run away with...

am i the one who watched it all?

I know I can't be the only one out there who has made it through Sex & the City - the entire series. It was a hit with legions of followers. That's why I get really confused when I read things that talk about how Carrie and the girls would be so disappointed at a single girl saying she wanted a relationship or wanted to settle down.

I've heard this casually dropped in various places, but I was moved to write by reading in Judith Strauss's Unhooked Generation (anu, u have to read this one). Near the start of her book, she's weaving a tale of her single-hood and mentions she eventually reached a point in her life where her career and independent lifestyle just weren't doing it for her. When she paused for a moment she would find she was lonely and unfulfilled.

She went on to say she had been ashamed of this feeling and that the Sex & the City girls would be sneering at her. Huh? Maybe she didn't get obsessed and buy the entire series like I did, but did she at least watch season 6? Agreed...the girls were strong singles who embraced life with fashion and style. However, the girls let their vulnerable sides show throughout the series. They were all on a quest for the right one, going through several "right one for right nows". Even Samantha's revolving door snagged a couple of true loves. That final season saw each of the girls reaching that point, that place of truly knowing where your heart should be.

I cried way too much at the raw humanity in the last few episodes. One thing was clear to me even through my tears. These single women we all adored and some wanted to be... they were just like the rest of us searching for that final piece of the puzzle.

the ride

I've found that relationships are a lot like rollercoasters.

You wait in line for what seems like forever just for the chance to catch a ride. Then before you know it, you're being propelled full throttle along this long, winding track...hanging on for dear life as you take the highs and lows...the twists and turns...the fear and excitement.

Sometimes you even feel a little sick. But when that car finally comes to a grinding halt and the chaos around you dies down... the real question is, in the end, was it really worth the ride?

The hopeful part of me wants to think so...

If you're lucky enough to have found that 'one' person. You'll endure most anything.

It's just that I'm not sure if I'm gripping the rail... or someone's hand.

everybody cares, everybody understands

This site has been filled with so many half truths and incomplete stories for the past few weeks that I want to scream. I'm surprised any of you bother to read it any more. I know I barely do.

Well, stay tuned people. If my predictions come true, things will start to get a bit interesting here as truth comes out.

stillness...

I look in his eyes and lose my breath, my heart swells in my chest, beating rapidly but the blood fails to move through my veins. I lose control of my body for a split second, every inch of me numb except the burning in my chest and the swelling of tears behind my eyes. I'm not sure if the ache in my heart is love or fear / the intense love I have for the man who's gaze I'm lost in, or fear that I might hurt that same man / fear that I might break a heart that deserves nothing less than undying love and devotion.

His eyes sparkle from within, mischievous and spirited, yet calm and soothing / I get lost in them until I feel his hand graze my neck. He runs his long fingers through my hair, breaking his gaze / my eyes don't leave his face as I admire his features. His dark skin from, his adorable nose, those amazing eyes that can tell stories with no words, that grin that can make me laugh forever or aggravate me to no end, his jaw covered in a day's stubble turning his babyface features ruggedly handsome for the night. I long to kiss him, to be in his arms as the woman he loves, the one he can't stop thinking about and will never stop loving...

...But for now I will settle. I will settle with being the girl who he cares dearly and I will be the girl who waits until he realizes I am the woman he will never stop loving.

silly thing

Nothing is easy. This is the message I was continually knocked up side the head with last week. Nothing is easy, especially when it comes to relationships.

This silly thing going on between me and mr conservative has gone into not so favorable turn. The biggest mistake I made was getting him back into my life. It was a big fantasy for me. I should never have brought it up him in a serious way. Yes… things are bit serious now by making the whole situation much complicated that it really should be?

Why is love, along with so many other things in life, so painful? Shouldn't something so grand eventually get easy? For heaven's sake, we spend enough time second guessing ourselves and primping that we deserve something to go smoothly!

To top it off, the two silly people (myself and Ms Vege) took themselves to see The Last Kiss last night at the International Screen in Midvalley. I don't want to give anything away, but holy hell. Is someone trying to send me a message? I was ready to walk out mid movie and drown my sorrows in a nice merlot that i bought from cold storage last week. Instead, I stuck around and saw the light.

The (en)light(enment)? Nothing is easy, especially relationships. If they're worth it, then you fight for it. You sacrifice and maybe even give a little of yourself.

Sigh.

my first accident

Last Thursday, I got into an accident. A minor accident though it came down pretty hard on me… well, physically, my right knee and arm – few bumps and bruises la and mentally… little scare!

I was filtering out left onto another lane, and there I saw the entrance to the parking bay which I was searching for it for quite a while. So I thought I was a good-enough driver to make a quick turn and land directly on the right spot, but, unfortunately i was not a good driver (yet) so, I sorta lost control and got panicked and pressed the accelerator instead of the brake pedal. And that’s it… BANNNNGGG!!! A "STOP" pole!

I pulled myself together and drove the car away from the scene and managed to park' the car at a safer spot. And for the first (at least) 15-minutes I was stuck in the driver’s seat panic stricken (literally trembling) biting my lips and craning my neck to see what’s going on and yet too shaken to get out of the car. Thank god coupla friends came over immediately after my MAY-DAY call and took care of everything, well, almost everything la.

i guess, my first accident! Nothing serious though my precious had to go to the workshop and Im back to be a car-less woman - for another at least coupla weeks. And the funny part is i cant stop thinking about the "STOP" pole... wonder what happened to it?!

Lesson learnt
I am still a beginner (in the driving part) and must learn to be more careful or rather patience on the road.
I have a family (my biological family) and they will always be there for me no matter how badly I've treated them in the past.
I think [now] i have much clearer picture on number of ppl who genuinely care for me (and the other category)

To look on the bright side
It’s a little one
I wasn’t alone
no scoldings
everyone’s fine

i have sucha nice groups of friends. and i love em all.

my first car

it's my car... and i feel like a little kid on Christmas morning. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

after so many years moving here and there, finally i have bought my own car. My Kancil! My Precious!

i have had a lot of firsts this year: my very first apartment, first mortgage, first (mind blowing) love affair with someone i actually like, and the very first car that i purchased with my own money (ok, with some help).

so, far i have only done 150km in the little beauty, but that is bound to go up. i am hoping to have loads of fun - like weekends driving around and even the odd trip to Cherating...:)

note: images - coming soon...

dazed and confused

I feel bad for not posting, but I'm just at such a weird place right now that I don't feel like I have much to say. I'm in the midst of letting my moral and pragmatic sides battle it out. The moral side is winning at the moment, but it's only hanging on to its lead by a smidge. *sigh*

I'm at the point where I can't even decide if I'm happy or sad about the situation. Why is this even a situation where a decision is appropriate? I can't even figure that out. I can't figure anything out. I want to have a theme for this post, something to focus on but for the life of me I cannot wrap my mind around anything right now. So instead, I am going to go to sleep with hopes of having really nice dreams because lately that is all I can get. And I don't mean boyfriend dreams, I mean nice dreams. I think I'm happy, in fact I know I am happy. I'm just one frustrated - little camper!

my type of man...

with his t-shirt showing off underneath his unbuttoned checked shirt with his sleeves rolled up at mid-arm. A flop of hair, slightly scruffy-looking, nice eyebrow, nice nose and a smile that is not really there, but you know hes smiling.

nobody is perfect

nobody is Perfect...
but you have to work it...
my life aint perfect this month, nor last month...
I keep dropping things, making mistakes along the way...
but nobody is perfect...
what I can do is just to work it …

identity crisis

So, I found/remembered and was reading through an old live journal that I kept in 2004, which was pretty embarrassing to go through. Even worse that I was a moron and used pretty much everyone’s real name. But tt is interesting to see how far I’ve come in three years.

I may have similar problems or thoughts right now but i can safely say that I express them and approach them in a much more sophisticated way. I’ve become more independent, more comfortable with myself (for the most part) and just grown up overall.

Anyway, I also came across an interesting little entry, where I questioned my identity. It’s funny, I guess I still have that question. In secondary school I was “so and so’s girlfriend”, in college I was this kinda person, then when i was at NY I was this and this or the “asian girl in NY” or something like that. And, I was thinking… in the future I’ll be someone’s wife, or someone’s mom, or something of that nature.

But right now, in this moment…what am I? I don’t “belong” to anyone or anything… I’m just…me. But, what does that mean? I’m somebody’s friend, I’m somebody’s co-worker or employee, somebody’s relative or somebody’s daughter… but, to me that’s not really an identity. It’s not something that impacts others, or even something that is truly meaningful. Not that being someone’s girlfriend or in a particular sorority was meaningful or descriptive of who I am… but I guess it was something to identify with. Life is all about relationships and networks, so, I guess I’m just struggling with where I fit into that right now.

Just a thought I revisited and decided to throw out there…

just me.

why sri would be a good girlfriend :)

I guess what sparked me to think of this is that I saw this girl I know who is really annoying and I recently found out she's married. Not knowing her husband, I can only hope he is equally annoying because is it fair for an annoying person to take a non-annoying person from the dating pool? No...The answer is no.

Anyway, so I am not annoying. Not annoying would go on the list of "Why Sri Would Be A Good Girlfriend" so, in honor of that, I figured I'd let you know the other things as well.

Why Sri Would Be A Good Girlfriend:

• Not annoying.
• You, as my beau, would not be subjected to a lot of sri’s family functions or general crap and uncomfortableness. I am quite private about my social life when it comes to my family and you would benefit from this.
• I'm not an expensive date. Not only do I pay for myself, but I don't expect my expensive taste to be satisfied. What I'm saying is that I like the best things in life, but if I can't buy them myself then I don't really expect them. Make sense?
• We can make out...a lot.
• I like many different things: music, tv/movies, traveling, sports, sleeping, cars, etc.
• I like my alone time so I'm definitely not a smotherer.
• I'm not a big phone person. If you want to call and talk then I'm a good listener, but I don't expect or like to have big phone conversations every night or anything. That being said, I do appreciate an email or text here and there to know you're alive.
• I don't get sick. That means we can make out more.
• I don't smoke.
• I do drink. But not excessively. Neither lush nor straightedge. And I don't drink those frou frou girly drinks.
• When I like someone, I'm extra generous.
• I can cook and clean.

Of course this is all in good fun. It's fun to make a "Why I Rule" list every once in awhile:) Oh, and I left off things like, "I'm hott" and "I use good smelling shampoo/perfume" because those are things that you can judge for yourself. Oh, and also, I reserve the right to add to this list whenever I want to. Consider it on going.

one year old...

My blog is one year old today... ppl, thanks so much for stopping by my blog, Impetuosity of Sri! exactly one year ago i made my first entry, well, it has been a great one year for me and my blog...:)

creating opportunities for love

A friend of mine has a 2007 goal to fall in love. My first thought was You can't make someone fall in love with you!, but then I thought Why not? It's not about taking over someone's mind and forcing them to have feelings for you, it's about making things happen, which "TA-DA", is one of my things to remember to do this year.

For example, how likely is it to fall in love while sitting at home watching heroes and gray’s anatomy? Hmmmm, not very likely, eh? How likely is it to fall in love while being antisocial at a party? A little more likely only because other people are involved, but how many guys want to talk to the girl in the corner?

I think the 2007 Fall In Love goal is completely feasible if looked at from the mindset of creating the opportunities to fall in love and for others to fall in love with me. I think it's about being out there and being myself and being absolutely fabulous. Who wouldn't want to fall in love with me? I just need to give them the opportunity!

I love 2007 already!

things that make me swoon :)

things that make me swoon :

+ dancing in the car
+ Eye contact that means something...
It either makes me laugh, makes me feel better, or puts me at ease.
+ overhearing a phone call
+ threatening to tickle me, but NOT DOING IT
+ ordering first
+ holding my hand
+ writing good emails. and often
+ playing the guitar for me
+ smiling when you see me even if you're in a bad mood
+ and then letting me help you get out of the bad mood
+ making me mix CDs that fit my mood perfectly
+ kiss me on the forehead
+ play with my hair
+ to accompany me on a walk
+ clean fun on IM
+ a hug that is so warm and comfortable, you mould into the person
and spend almost forever enjoying the company
+ to be loved back
+ when things work out RIGHT for a change
+ random act of kindness
+ frozen margarita at chilli's
+ manjeet playing with his little boys
+ an unexpected gift for no reason
+ someone to like you for who you are
+ a cuddle from sohrab
+ when my cat comes and snuggles with me in the middle of the night
+ waking up in the morning with the thoughts of that special person
+ people that make you smile just by being near you
+ a cool breeze on a balmy night

to be cont...

Happy Birthday!!

It's Monday and more importantly, its Merlina's birthday! Happy Birthday Sweetie! I miss u!!

i'm not ready

This weekend I came to the realization that I'm not ready for a relationship yet. How can I be if I don't like myself enough? This realization hurts on so many different levels. There are still things about me that I can't seem to deal with....why? I'm an intelligent, grown woman; yet if I can't deal with my unappealing side, why should a man want to deal with them and also me dealing with them? Even the whininess of this post is driving me crazy.

cheating on a crush

Is there such a thing as cheating on a crush?

I was talking with some friends and we were just passing the time, trying to decide what constitutes cheating. Since my dating resume has many more Crushes than it has Relationships, I was very intrigued by the questions posed about cheating on a crush. My knee-jerk reaction was to of course think the idea was ludicrous. What exactly would I be cheating on? We aren't committed to each other in any way, shape, or form so how could I be unfaithful to nothing?

A more romantic notion was presented though, which really made my gears start working. If you really like someone and have a profound interest in them, isn't it possible to cheat on the idea of being with them? I think I agree with this (to a certain extent, keep reading).

Some crushes are merely because I am bored while others are more friend crushes and my interests are more sociable. Sometimes though I have a "rip my heart out" type of crush that occupies more of my mind and being than I thought was possible. (like the one im having right now towards mr useless oooppps… conservative) So while my interest lies in this person, yet nothing "real" has come from it, is it possible to cheat on the idea of the crush? Is flirting with others or going on dates with other guys being unfaithful to my feelings? I kinda think it is. Because I’ve literally dump my fifty-something man (rich man) over the conservative guy. If I like someone (him) that much, then how can I not be invested in it and true to it?

However... my next question is... when do you get over a crush? When its enough to not "cheat" on, then how do you move on? At a certain point, either something will come of the crush or it won't, so in the latter scenario, when do you have to move on? A future blog, perhaps.

love... lust... infatuation

As I was heading towards my daily work starting page online, I saw a link for a "How To Tell The Difference Between Love, Infatuation, And Lust". I still, at age of thirty somethin, have not been able to clearly make distinctions between these feelings. Unlike my friend, who says people are too careful with using the big L word (love, for those still half asleep), I probably fall into the camp of saving it for perfect moments and situations. It's not something I guard and I'm not holding onto it like a nun and her virginity, or placing it on a too-high pedestal but, it makes me cringe when it's thrown around. To reference one of my favorite shows, did you hear what George said to Callie on Grey's Anatomy? He wanted to wait to say "I love you" back to her and make sure she knew he meant it. Not the obligatory response to someone else saying it. I loved it when George said that. It's so true.

But anyway, so this article gives a way to make distinctions between these feelings (love, lust, infatuation).

Step 1 is to write down words you associate with the person you feel strongly about such as butterflies, snoring, annoying, holding hands, sex etc.

Step 2 says to circle each feeling with a different color: green for love, yellow for infatuation, and red for lust. (Why doesn't love=red?)

Step 3 then says to see which color stands out. If there is not a clear winner, then move on to the following steps.

Step 4 sucks and says to read scriptures or literature that describes love. Yuck! I don't want to do that because I have enough trouble listening to songs about love and not totally melting.

Step 5 might be good for feedback but will be hard to actually do. Ask friends (or other third party) to give their opinion on what kind of feeling they think it is. Show them your color coded list. I couldn't do this. I would be embarrassed because I wouldn't want to explain to someone the reasons why I may or may not love a person.

Step 6 I could do. Watch a movie that might show the feelings you suspect you have. Cruel Intentions is all about lust, Titanic is about holding onto love forever, The Notebook is about love, etc.

This is an interesting idea, working through complicated feelings by writing them down. Is it possible though to be in lust with someone for years? Or to be infatuated with a person for an extended period of time. Well, yeah, I guess so. I'm thinking of a list of examples…

put into words

Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had. I was on the verge of tears the entire day and almost asked to leave work early because everything was adding to my stress and causing me to want to scream. I know WHY I was in such a horrible mood but it's still stuff I can't even put into words. Not because it's difficult or painful, but because I honestly can not string together the correct verbs and nouns to explain how I was feeling and what sparked my mood. But as I accepted the fact that I couldn't clarify to myself what was going on, it upset me even more that as a result I would not be able to fix the problem. How do you say to someone that you are upset when it can't be that simple and 500 footnotes are needed to explain and clarify. "I miss you" on it's own is both too little and too much.

"Why?" can either open a can of worms or elicit a disappointing and anti-climactic response.

In more lighthearted news, the situation with him (conservative guy) yesterday… I think I smiled more than I had in awhile when I saw him at the function hall. Having all clues point to me was a fun game for the evening but one I had to play with caution. I wouldn't want to come away from the situation with an air of deceitfulness as someone who plays around with matters of the heart. But I think I did a good job and merely filled a role yet kept the flirting to a minimum as to not act interested where I am not.

kick him where it hurts

When I was in primary-4 I had a crush on one of the neighborhood kid, we shall call him chubby cheek, but I was so shy and worried of rejection that I never did anything about it. Sure, it was primary-4 so what all could I have done, but it caused me to miss out a little on that elementary school Boyfriend/Girlfriendness. I tried though, in my little way, to let him know that I did indeed like him back:

I kicked him in the shins while we waited at the bus stop.

I know, it's ridiculous! We would stand there, waiting for the school bus and I would just kick him, over and over in the shins and he would stand there and take it like a "man." Nothing ever came of my weird way of flirting but I think it was because he and his family moved to another town the following year. I kind of missed him for quite awhile and always felt like he would have been my Neighborhood Love had we grown up in the same area. We would have inevitably dated or hooked up or something, I just know it.

But I digress a little because the reason I started writing about kicking the guy I liked is because I'm starting to wonder if I should bring back my elementary way of flirting. I feel like I need to kick some sense into some guys (ok, one in particular) and get em to realize that I'm in like with them.

i've been a bad, bad blogger...

But to be quite honest, i haven't felt like explaining my current situation regarding members of the opposite sex. It would take up pages and really, i don't think you want to read about it ;-) So instead, i will describe to you the difference between men i am attracted to and men that are attracted to me.

Men I am attracted to:

~are quite intelligent. most times a bit more intelligent than me.

~are quite proficient in the usage of english

~have an incredible sense of humor

~have a slight arrogance about them

~are goal-oriented

~like relationships/love but are not complete horn dogs

~are taller than me

~are scruffy

Men that tend to be attracted to me:

~are more street smart than book smart... which leads to them having a

~lack in proficient english grammatical skills

~do not have much of a sense of humor

~are quite narcissistic

~are only after one thing. and you know what that thing is

~complete idiots (literally)

~way too old for me

Now, i'm not saying that the men i am attracted to are not attracted to me. It happens, just not as often as I'd like it to.

This makes it very hard for me. With this list of "pros" and "cons" i head off to the labyrinth of fantasy land. That's right. Perhaps the men will be fruitful and my multiplying need for a good kiss will be satisfied. Wish me luck ladies...

bring it back on

I am not neglecting this blog in fact, I come to it everyday with intentions to post about things going on in my life. But then I stop myself because I need to keep my personal information a little more private at the moment. It is a big exaggeration but I feel like too much has gotten out and it is like trash in outer space-just floating around until someone runs into it. But don't worry, I still have stories or yore.

I'll regale you later.

initiative can be intricate

Speaking with a lady-friend got me thinking about what would move things along in my single life (i.e., obtain boyfriend...check), and I've determined that she's right... initiative would help immensely. That and a natural ability to not make a guy who's acting interested feel like an ass. In my humble opinion, initiative is not so easily attained. In fact, for the deathly shy (like me) initiative is like climbing the Everest in a wheelchair. Probably not impossible, but it would take one brave s.o.b. to attempt it. How can I get brave in that area of my life? Because, really, what have I got to lose? (dignity comes to mind.) I can pick a fight with a man, get a tattoo, fly across the world by myself, eat bugs, teach bunch of spoilt teenagers, speak in front of hundreds of people, and I can't smile and make eyes at a boy? Hmmm. New addition to the "check" list...take some initiative with the boys ; )

cupid call & dating checklist

Today is February 14 – the busiest day for florist and restaurant owners around the world. I’ve never really had a valentine, but also, I’ve never really minded as I usually find the day to be so forced and cheesy. Of course this doesn’t mean I don’t yearn for romance, love and affection, I definitely do (about 23 hours of the day).

Even this year, I will be okay if I don’t have a “Valentine”, but won’t deny a little part of me wishes for a secret admirer or for some advancement with someone else.

You know how sometimes you don't realize how bizarre certain aspects of your life are until someone else points them out to you? Well, I've always known my dating life has been, um, how shall I put this? Ah yes - messy - but after reading the following email from a friend, I realize it's not so much messy as it is disastrous! Read on and have a good laugh (don't worry, it's not at my expense; I'm laughing too!).

You know a guy has potential if the answer to ALL of the following is "No":

did he eat your entire meal, plus his own, and then refuse to let you order dessert?

does he have illegitimate children?

does he sweat profusely and have no problems dousing you with his perspiration?

does he kiss you, then take a phone call from another girl and proceed to spend 45 minutes talking to her (in front of you)?

did his parents hit on you in a bookstore?

does he have stalking tendencies?did your friends nickname him "Crazy"?

Who here thinks I could star in my own reality show? - (I do, I do!)

Clearly, my life is for entertainment purposes only.

And we wonder why I'm still single

moths and butterflies

Love is measured in butterflies.

Lust is measured in... thoughts.


Don't ask me to explain.

addicted...

I have an addictive personality. I'm not even sure if that's an accurate psychological assessment, but in my mind, it accurately describes my tendency to latch on to things I like. For example, I am addicted to Coke. I have written poetry about my love affair with caffeine. For this site, it's probably more relevant to talk about my addiction to the idea of love. You see, before this...I haven't been in love in a long time. So, while not being in love, I've developed an addiction with the idea of love. Movies and TV (hell...even books) simply fuel addictions such as these. As "chick flicks" crowd your local cineplex, you can bet there are millions of girls like me watching and calculating when Richard Gere will ride up and save them from the virtual whoredom that is their lives (hello.... Pretty Woman). How can we break this fascination for wanting what isn't real and start searching and dealing with what is? Maybe this is just me, but all too often I find a small part of me wanting to be more in the movie than in my own life (think love/romance/men, not life in general).

addiction...

Did you ever read those horoscope books that tell that because you were born on such and such day you're destined to be thus and so? Well I have and you know what, being born on the day that's known as "The day of heaven and hell" really doesn't give me much hope for my love life really.

Discovered recently that I'm addicted to my Conservative guy and like all people who are Scorpion, we thrive on love addiction, I'm addicted to him, therefore when I said I was going to spend a quiet evening at home... which I did, for a few hours (I even finished that book I've been drooling over), the moment the conservative guy called and asked if I was up for anime I said "yes" without another thought...*sigh**

*stands up in front of room*

My name is Sri and I'm addicted to Mr Conservative.

"HI Sri"

Soooo, where does that leave me... well luckily for me (to keep my mind away from Mr Conservative), I have a date with my 50-something guy who is not conservative at all, on Saturday (& hopefully Sunday too)... in fact he is one of the very few guys that I would categorized as sane males I found in recent days. He's still into me after what i did [ditched] last weekend. We're going to be doing lunch/tea on Saturday... and hopefully movie and dinner afterwards. I'm planning to make it a perfect afternoon (& evening) for him. He is sucha wonderful guy! He deserves it.

sitting - watching - waiting

I'm a believer in signs so when the following happened, I could barely stop myself from laughing.

We were all busy at work doing our thing, when a sudden horrible howlin of a middle-aged prick who was heard. It was a rolled down saga by the steps with sound effect accompaniment (which was louder than bunch of St Bernards running down the wooden floors). she was rollin rollin & rollin (yea, like that song by limb bizkit).

It was all started when the 40-something-insecure-connubial-bitch slammin the door on my face while I was waiting for her outside the room (more than once) whereas I was there watching and waiting when will I see the day she falls down the lane right on her face while rolling down making somersaults (good enough to win a gold medal, if they’d a category for lumbering). It was THE event of the year. And i was there to witness it all. Today, when I turned on the radio for some music to my ear, it was John Mayor singing, "waitin on the world to change." The world is changing baby…

beyonce rules!!!

~ IRREPLACEABLE ~

(…………….You must not know about me - you must not know me about me
I will have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable
So since I’m not your everything
How about I'll be nothing
Nothing at all to you
Baby I wont shed a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy……………)

on the real, I gotta give it to my girl Beyonce! and I can’t help but to agree with her, because a lot of fellas out there are forgetting, that just cause you got us, don’t mean you won’t lose us, and just cause we shed a tear here and there, doesn’t mean that the crazy feelings of love is what we fear! It’s just that you played yourself and got pushed to the side. On the real though! Beyonce said what a lot of guys need to hear "you must not know bout me, you must not know bout me, I could have another man in a minute” Which is so true!

So if you forget then, replay the track! Yea I said it, and you know who you are!

why i hate being female sometimes

That men equate any irritation at any time as it being during the ‘that time of the month’ it annoys me to the end, that as long as a woman is involved, she is not allowed to be irritated or angry at men without being accused of having her period. It normally goes like, “I’m angry!” “So… that time of the month again huh?” is that so hard to assume that may be, its just you’re a mug-head who should be shot and quartered?!

Furthermore, it is absolutely normal for girls to get little crazy during their menstrual time. Kick aside the hormones responsible, there are many other things contributing to this factor. This is the fact that we retain water and our uterus swells, making us seem slightly pregnant, or as we like to call it, fat. Then the cramps! Men who have never experienced such phenomenon claim the fabled cramps do not exist. Let me tell ya’ this, they do, and they hurt like hell and if we get bad cramps once a month, I think god was fair in giving you guys sensitive balls for us to kick when we hate you. A cramp happens through a horribly painful contraction of the uterus, nerves receptors register the rapid contraction as a DULL PAIN which radiates through our spine and makes us capable of murder.

The most annoying thing about periods, however, is the fact that we have to welcome them otherwise you’d be pregnant, which is the greater of two evils. So, females have to look forward to this horrible, horrible affliction once a month, or be dealt with an even more horrible affliction of being a mother when you’re not ready. So, this is a short excerpt on why I hate being female.

So guys, this would be a right time for ya’ll to stay away cuz I’m really in a mood to kill someone.

perceptions

I can't help but wonder how I am perceived. Do people think I'm a slut? a tease? a prude? normal? shy? embarassed? confident? unsure? bitch? etc... I think I definitely used to be perceived as a tease. I used to be an even bigger flirt than I am now but with pretty much no follow through. I think I just wanted to get to the point of someone wanting me and then I'd backtrack in my flirting. (And no, it wasn't to THAT point or anything. I'm not cruel.) Now I'm not so sure. I'm in one of those moods where I really want to read some people's minds and see what they're thinking about me.

watch ur step!!

We’re literally walking on the cusp of a new year…and I am excited. It’s been quite a year, in more ways than one. Like everyone else, I hit a few rough spots, had some really amazing moments…you know….I lived. And now, I am set to do it all over again. “OPTIMISTIC” all in all, I can’t really complain – it was a great year even with the rough spots (‘for it’s in the valleys that I grow’). I’m looking forward to taking everything that I’ve learned and applying it to my forward momentum.

Gonna hang out with some friends today. Hook up with mr nice-guy and his friends for what promises to be a very “interesting” weekend. I’ve been advised to pack a bag with a mix of things – lounging gear, casual gear, something “flashy” (as if I need anything more than my personality. Ha!) Now you know I had questions (still haven’t quite learned to just go with the flow). I mean really, where are we going? When are we leaving? When are we coming back? Um…we ARE coming back, right? The only hint forthcoming is we’ll probably be in either Genting or PD. *sigh* That’s still a big spread, right? For some reason, I’ve always thought New Year’s Eve was the most romantic time of the year. Don’t ask me why. *shrugs* Anyway, no matter what I do or where I end up, I’m sure it will be just what I need. So, while I’m bit nervous about how all of this will play out, I’m excited too. And that’s how I’m going into 2007 – EXCITED. Ready to receive all that universe has for me. To step boldly and fully into it with both feet. Waist deep. Let it soak into me until it to floods my very bone marrow. I am ready.

Be bold

Be beautiful

Be free

BE!

To those of you who bless me with your unique gift of friendship, I have no words that will convey just how much you mean to me. Thank you for listening, for counseling me, for laughing with me (or at me as the case may be), for pushing me, for prodding me, for letting me cry til I was over it (or could at least catch my breath), for the virtual slaps when I was losing my mind (merlina, tis one is for u). It’s all good. Truly.

Love & kisses from sri!

inner feelings! (unoriginal sin)

this is an intricate post, i can't elaborate the details. try not to ask questions! i’m going to burn in hell! I’ve commit something very serious… something i can't redeem myself from. the apple of unoriginal sin. the sin of "wanting what I can’t have" - i shall burn in hell for what i did... (full stop)

feelings...

I've been havin an incredible mixed feeling these day, I don’t know exactly when it started but I know that I need to sort out these feelings right away otherwise my heart and brain would never rest. Somehow I know that in order to sort these out, I need to write down feelings I felt… but since the mix is really heavy and vary I found my self blank, not knowing what to blurt out first.

Well, I know that I felt highly confuse about what’s the next step for my career, I also know that I felt desperate about taking my life to “the place” I always dreamt of and I know that I felt of missing someone badly and on the other hand know that it’s impossible to go on. I know that I felt irritated about knowing what my goals are but couldn’t find a way to achieve it yet. I know that I felt bothered with how I demand so much to my self without even care about my own limit. I know that I felt so much more than what I have said above but not able to put it into words…. Arrrggghhhh!!!!!!

Oh shoot…. It’s not working….. It’s not happening…. I can’t sort these feelings out, let alone discarded it…. What to do…. dank!!!

work sucks!

It’s 1 pm. I’m at work, and I don’t feel like being here, so I am blogging to waste time.
Work today sucks, not that every day doesnt, but this one seems to suck even more than usual because I had one of those lovely little status meetings with my so called gay-boss about how the work is doing, blah, blah, blah...basically what it is that I am doing wrong and what kind of crap my asshole co-workers have been saying about me.

Work is work. I'm in a position now I don't really love. I am getting discouraged. Very discouraged. Office politics. Office rumors. I heard the person who got the job applied after the deadline. All sorts of stuff like that. Makes me wonder if they see me fitting into this organization.

Fuck it all. I hate these people, I hate this office, I just needed to vent...

sirilah raman

feel good... part 2

That was posted this morning. Now it’s close to 5 PM and I don’t want to hug no tree! I want to chop it down and use it on people in my office especially d one tat I dumped and the person who gave birth to him!

feel good...

This is making me feel good today:

• Snowy & Duchess (my dogs) telling me this morning that they love me (unconditional love).
• I manage to fit into my sexy skirt with front-cut (bit tight though).
• Smelling baby Savaiz’s breath. It has that sweet baby smell.
• All of us watching Thomas the tank engine videos on the main living room.
• Coffee. I so do love my coffee. The entire week I couldn’t find any good coffee and it was the first thing I did when I got up this morning - made myself a good cup of coffee.
• Good music. Totally hooked with John’s Mayers “Waiting on the world to change”.
• Health. The fact that we are all healthy.
• Skype wit Merlina

Go hug your boyfriend, husband, child, dog, cat, a tree…. just go out and spread some love people! The sun is shining (or it might be cold and snowing at some part of d world) but we are experiencing it. For that I am thankful. Being able to experience - good or bad - it is making me feel good today.

all that i cant' say...

I’ve been thinking this week about all the things I don’t say about myself (and for those who know me pretty well that’s saying a lot). The really personal, deep down issues that could make most run screaming into the darkness if they were to see. And then with this thought I had wonder if I were being true to this blog and the reason that I write in it.

*shrug* don’t know.

What do I know is that I can’t bear all of my soul for the universe to sniff at, find lacking and then pee all over; I get enough of that from self introspection.

So, here’s a post about all the things I can’t say, but sometimes I wish I could.

sirilah raman

"be my friend"

I think I get "Be My Friend" crushes. I encounter certain guys and there is something about them that makes me want to have them be a part of my life. I love having a lot of guy friends and I'm not sure if it's the "big brother" aspect of it or just because guys seem to be a lot less petty than girls. I'm not sure sometimes though if I have a real crush or a "Be My Friend" crush and then I don't know how to go about getting that person in my life.

In some cases I find myself going back and forth between making eyes at someone and having a friendly conversation (not that a friendly conversation doesn't go with a romantic prospect). This is on my mind because at the moment I know someone who I want in my friends list. My Mr married-guy. I'm not trying to flirt with him but at times it just happens and then I get confused which kind of crush I'm having.

I hate being confused.

thirty, flirty & thriving

I woke up yesterday to face the world as thirty something chic. Another year older! and more cheekier...:) If I’m being honest, I’ve actually spent the last week dealing with and celebrating the fact that…

• I have changed (evolved the right word), in many aspects of my life, especially the EQ factor.
• Celebrated my birthday without a drop of tears.
• Overcome a crash-boom-bang sorta relatioship halt with the conservative guy and moved on.
• Come to terms with dealing my family (real family) in much politically-correct terms.
• Kissed someone...:) (a memorable birthday kiss)
• I have finished a bottle of rose all by myself (and some gin).
• Joined a fitness (& fancy) gym - Celebrity Fitness.
• Back on the road again being fabulously single...
• Received a bouquet (the big & expensive type) from my fifty-something guy, delivered to my office.
• Had a birthday dinner with the nice-guy and planning my second birthday dinner with my fifty something guy today.
• Also, received RM500.00 in cash as a birthday gift from a father figure and a Sony Cybershot camera (7.2 megapixel) from another father figure.
  

I guess it was an OK birthday. Again, Happy Birthday to me...

Sirilah Raman

no one knew...

My hair was so soft. And my Issey Miyake wafted perfectly. And I had non-tacky pink lip-gloss on that tastes good. And my legs were smooth...But did anyone know but me? No. I was heading home last night and I started thinking in this weird perspective about things. I wasn't upset about anything that would normally make me upset. I didn't care about things not going how I kept imagining them or the weirdness that occurs every once and awhile with certain people. What I kept thinking about was me...and that no one was appreciating ME to the fullest.

I'm not saying this in a self-deprecating way, I am saying it in an "I am totally awesome and people are missing out" kind of way. My friends appreciate me, of course, but they appreciate different kinds of things. I don't think they notice when I change perfume or when I wear lipgloss that tastes good (at least, I hope they don't). I guess I just started thinking about how I want someone to be a little closer to me and to notice the little things. My hair was really soft and no one knew!

blast from the past

I accidentally got really depressed drunk last night. And then, instead of calling who I really wanted to talk to, I called my ex-whatever. I knew if I called who I wanted to call I would end up saying a lot of stuff that just shouldn't be said over the phone or while drunk. So I called the ex... I'm not sure why but I'm so very thankful that it went well. It was kind of weird because I told him about my current situation and he told me about his: He's involved with a married woman. How does someone go from ME to a married woman with a kid? I really do hope things work out for him though and he expressed the same sentiment for me. We reminisced about the first time we made out and we both remembered it exactly the same way. I'm glad though that we didn't remember how things ended.

It's been a long day and a little over 12 hours ago I was heading home unable to hold back the tears. Having the day to myself and spending the night in the past really helped to put things into perspective. I'm not sure how but I'm in really good spirits right now. Optimistic.

And really....really tired!

how i got here...

Have you ever met the man of your dreams? Is he everything you’re always wanted in a soul mate? Well… my married man isn’t exactly the man of my dreams but I guess he’s alrite (someone i can consider into). We have a lot of similarities (in terms of personality). And he is JUST-THE-WAY-I-LIKE-IT kinda guy. I took a tour in his car yesterday only to realize that I had actually opened myself better to him. It was a short ride though it was different from the earlier ones. (YES! I do let him send me home sometime) and it's true! I did open myself in many ways to him… and not to forget this is someone I hate at the outset. I wonder, is this one of those non-crush? I cannot be having crush with a married man! It’s wrong… perhaps it’s not even a crush; it could be some sort of contentment you get when you meet someone you can actually unfasten and just be yourself. I like talking to him, in fact i love talking to him. The raspi-ness in his voice is just too sexy to resist – someone who meets the intellectual power or even exceed mine at times… I love engaging in some sorta radical and stimulating conversation with him (totally non-sexual). Maybe its some sorta brotherly expectation (im sure its something got to do with the fact that, i cant get such connection with my my own brother). No judgment please! I know! Im being ridiculous sometime… I guess, as you get older, your sense of connection with the people is becoming more sensitive.

Sirilah Raman

...and why...

I broke down a bit last night. Feeling upset, and vulnerable, and small. Interesting how now, I lash out and get bitter & mean (as the gals would say) when I am feeling sad and vulnerable and upset. Before, coupla years ago, I would have just cried. Is that me growing up, or me growing into a butch/masculine bitter identity that doesn't cry so easily? I've always been the one that cried. Did I take that on intentionally? Why would I now get angry instead of crying?

promiscuous

by Nelly Furtado

If a category existed of adult-oriented pop music, "Promiscuous" would help define it. This song may set off ongoing debates about appropriateness of highly sexual pop music for younger audiences. However I think, “Promiscuous” does not contain graphic sexual content in the lyrics, and, certainly not in the video clip. There is nothing socially redeeming in the lyrical content of the song, but the hot groove and elegant, sexual tease add up to glittery adult entertainment. Expect to hear this in dance clubs and on hitz.fm (and fly.fm) radio throughout the year.

It remains to be seen exactly how pop music fans will respond to Nelly Furtado as dance diva, but with the sure hand of Timbaland, she has put together one of the hottest pop-dance grooves in recent memory. "Promiscuous," with its sly vocal interplay, grabs the attention from the first time you hear it. Seductive, eighties-styled club moves, with little bit of Shakira’s hip-shaking beats and a gorgeous chorus all add up to an addictive package that suits the airways as much as the dance clubs.

coffee or tea?

Do you want coffee or tea? Why must life be defined by choices? Why can’t us just be friends when we want a friend or to be lovers when we want to be loved? Are you in love or do you just want to be friends?

if shoe fits

I have these situations where I guess I get bored or something and I create a crush. Obviously, since I created it and it’s not really backed up with true feelings, it’s not a big deal. It probably shouldn’t even be called a crush. And before you think it, no, I am not leading people on. It’s more of like a way to pass time while bored or when trying to get over a real crush. It’s a true non-crush. So, I guess I’d have to call it a non-crush.

My 50-something man is my non-crush. Sure, he’s probably really hott to some girls and I bet those same girls would give anything for some attention from him but I have no interest really. Well, when I was doing some re-search on him (so much for no interest!!) I did come across this twenty something malay chick blog ‘bout him. I thought it was tacky… twenty something! Malay chic! Mannnn… apparently she was his intern or something. When r these gals gonna leave our men alone! They’re goin after even the 50-something guys!? And my fifty something guy is aint any guy. He is some-guy, don’t get me wrong, but he is definitely one of those who I sit around daydreaming about. But the question here is do I have a real crush on him? No way. I hardly know him… as for him, I dun think he even remembers the existence of little ms sirilah. And I doubt even in the future he’ll ever EVER notice me. –period-

I had a little chat ‘bout him with Jane, well, Jane is not into him at all. She says tat he has playboy kinda look. Well, mebbe he is! Or not! Who the hell care!

Anyway, I guess one could say my weekend was super unexciting since I have nuthing to write about except for my non-crush.

August is sucha crappy month.

'and this is my adopted daughter'

the poignant story of a child trying to find her identity in the unknown life!

I dont know what happened to my 'no-expectation' theory - how silly! i'm dreadfully down today! all for one reason "expectation". I should have known better...

opposites attract?

This isn't a political post, but I feel the need to point out the fact that I am a liberal woman. At times you could even call me radical. I have extreme views that are definitely left-leaning. Why, then, am I attracted to conservative men? Conservative men make my blood boil in a very negative way. I have known more than a few that I have wanted to bitch slap or send live on the streets for just a week. Despite this, I often find myself attracted to (and even turned on by) these same men! Why is this so?! Do I have an argumentative streak that is always on the lookout for its match? Am I secretly excited by verbal sparring? Really, this same confusion applies to my sometimes attraction to arrogant (overly confident) men. I know part of it probably has to do with the fact that both groups of men likely have a passion for something. I love a man who gets excited and worked up (evidently even if it's about our social welfare system or himself). This is the best I can do in terms of rationalization.

butterflies and steel

My stomach is a mess right now. I am freaking out. I feel like it is a giant knot made out of lead and then there are butterflies flying all around. I need to not psych myself out about this. Not a big deal, right? Stating the obvious, right?

Right.

unwritten

Natasha Bedingfield, seems like escaping her way out of the shadows of her wrong-spined big brother Daniel. But I like her because she’s different; in a good way. She’s original and new.

Things start well with the chart-topping “these words”, which only people live in moon won’t have heard already. And there’s no doubt that this is a finely-crafted number with bold, voluptuous harmonies. And my favorite single, “single”, all about not needing a fella. And “Unwritten isn’t heard much, but when it was played over the radio I was instantly hooked. The lyrics are captivating and everything fits together.

From loved-up-pop to hip-pop to feisty rock, all the genre boxes are ticked in this album. and other singles like “I’m a Bomb” and “if you’re gonna” both embrace the latter, with Natasha going all pink on us, but with feisty style.

So yeah – not exactly album of the year though it is a quality album, lifted by Natasha’s strong voice, immaculate production and some absolutely corking singles with her self-celebrated individuality.

Sirilah Raman (these words are my own)

i have needs and they are innocent

I get antsy when I don't have a crush. Not having someone to lust after, or to coincide my life with, or to imagine my happy future with makes me feel bored. I need a crush like I need LOST. I can live without it but life is so much better with it! But my problem right now, like so many other people, is finding someone. I was excited for this new thing I just started that has put me among a whole new group of people and I was hoping to meet some eligible bastards (ok, that was a typo but too funny to fix. I meant to say "bachelors".) But so far the guys I have encountered are either married, engaged, annoying, or physically unappealing. Oh, or old. I'm not being completely negative about the situation because some of these already attached guys seem pretty cool so I will definitely try to be friendly with them. Maybe i can hef some sorta cool platonic relationship with these guys.

female solidarity pact

I wish there was some sort of universal female solidarity pact. So that what is said won't be used against a person in the future.

the glass is half full...

I am a firm believer in having no expectations. I think that if you go through life not expecting anything then you will rarely be disappointed. This theory has actually worked out very well for me since it I adopted it awhile ago. I have my moments of weakness though when I wish with all my being for something special to happen and so, if it doesn't, I find myself getting down. These are the times when I get a little crazy and decide I am over someone. It's a silly thing though because if true feelings are involved then how can they dissipate so quickly? What gets me out of a funk like that is focusing on the good.It sounds simple because it is. Instead of worrying and feeling crappy because a certain someone didn't call, welcome feelings of elation when he/she does. So your night together ended early-why stress over that when you can think back to the good times you did have? If you don't expect it...you can't be disappointed.

does our perception ever match our reality?

I'm fat. For those of you who know me, you're probably thinking 'duh' right now. I'm aware of this...a lot of the time I'm acutely aware of this. The thing is that sometimes (for brief periods of time) I forget. Then I see pictures...or video and become aware that, not only am I fat, I'm much fatter than I thought. The evolved side of me realizes that I should have the " and?" mentality. Who the hell who should care that I'm fat any more than they care that I have beautiful long hair? Yes, there are the health reasons, but let's face it, very few people give a shit enough to think about that when they're looking at you. The evolved side of me watched the F.A.T. pageant the other night at astro and was proud of these girls (versus the other part of me who was thinking the smaller chicks were definitely more attractive). The unevolved, self-conscious part of me is uncomfortable in my body, worries whether I would be able to be hired for the job I want, wonders how I'll ever attract a man. I write all of this because I'm tired of bowing to the evolved side...tired of letting my weak nature and busy schedule win. I want to eat better, exercise more, and not feel like cringing as I see a picture of me.